UNEARNED INCREMENT
_Sir Rupert_ (_to_ TREDWELL). Well, what is it?
_Tredwell_ (_in an undertone_). With reference to the party, Sir
Rupert, as represents himself to have come down to see the 'orse,
I----
_Sir Rupert_ (_aloud_). You mean Mr. Spurrell? It's all right. Mr.
Spurrell will see the horse to-morrow. (TREDWELL _disguises his utter
bewilderment_.) By the way, we expected a Mr. ---- What did you say
the name was, my dear?... Undershell? To be sure, a Mr. Undershell, to
have been here in time for dinner. Do you know why he has been unable
to come before this?
_Tredwell_ (_to himself_). Do I know? Oh, Lor! (_Aloud._) I--I believe
he _have_ arrived, Sir Rupert.
_Sir Rupert._ So I understand from Mr. Spurrell. Is he here still?
_Tredwell._ He is, Sir Rupert. I--I considered it my dooty not to
allow him to leave the house, not feeling----
_Sir Rupert._ Quite right, Tredwell. I should have been most seriously
annoyed if I had found that a guest we were all anxiously expecting
had left the Court, owing to some fancied---- Where is he now?
_Tredwell_ (_faintly_). In--in the Verney Chamber. Leastways----
_Sir Rupert._ Ah. (_He glances at_ SPURRELL.) Then where----? But that
can be arranged. Go up and explain to Mr. Undershell that we have only
this moment heard of his arrival; say we understand that he has been
obliged to come by a later train, and that we shall be delighted to
see him, just as he is.
_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). He was worth looking at just as he _was_,
when _I_ saw him!
_Pilliner_ (_to himself_). By a later train? Then, how the deuce did
his clothes----? Oh, well, however it was, it don't concern _me_.
_Tredwell._ Very good, Sir Rupert. (_To himself, as he departs._) If
I'm not precious careful over this job, it may cost me my situation!
_Spurrell._ Sir Rupert, I've been thinking that, after what's
occurred, it would probably be more satisfactory to all parties if I
shifted my quarters, and--took my meals in the housekeeper's room.
[Lady MAISIE _and_ Lady RHODA _utter inarticulate protests_.
_Sir Rupert._ My _dear_ sir, not on any account--couldn't _hear_ of
it! My wife, I'm sure, will say the same.
_Lady Culverin_ (_with an effort_). I hope Mr. Spurrell will continue
to be our guest precisely as before--that is, if he will forgive us
for putting him into another room.
_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). It's no use; I _can't_ get rid of 'em; they
stick to me like a lot of blooming burrs! (_Aloud, in despair._) Your
ladyship is very good, but---- Well, the fact is, I've only just found
out that a young lady I've long been deeply attached to is in this
very house. She's a Miss Emma Phillipson--maid, so I understand, to
Lady Maisie--and, without for one moment wishing to draw any
comparisons, or to seem ungrateful for all the friendliness I've
received, I really and truly would feel myself more comfortable in a
circle where I could enjoy rather more of my Emma's society than I can
here!
_Sir Rupert_ (_immensely relieved_). Perfectly natural!
and--hum--sorry as we are to lose you, Mr. Spurrell, we--ah--mustn't
be inconsiderate enough to keep you here a moment longer. I've no
doubt you will find the young lady in the housekeeper's room--any one
will tell you where it is.... Good night to you, then; and, remember,
we shall expect to see you in the field on Tuesday.
_Lady Maisie._ Good night, Mr. Spurrell, and--and I'm so very
glad--about Emma, you know. I hope you will both be very happy.
[_She shakes hands warmly._
[Illustration: "I'M SO VERY GLAD--ABOUT EMMA, YOU KNOW."]
_Lady Rhoda._ So do I. And mind you don't forget about that liniment,
you know.
_Captain Thicknesse_ (_to himself_). Maisie don't care a hang! And I
was ass enough to fancy---- But there, that's all over now!
_In the Verney Chamber._
_Undershell_ (_in the dressing-room, to himself_). I wonder how long
I've been locked up here--it seems hours! I almost hope they've
forgotten me altogether.... Some one has come in.... If it should be
Sir Rupert!! Great heavens, what a situation to be found in by one's
host!... Perhaps it's only that fellow Spurrell; if so, there's a
chance. (_The door is unlocked by_ TREDWELL, _who has lighted the
candles on the dressing table_.) It's the butler again. Well, I shall
soon know the worst! (_He steps out, blinking, with as much dignity as
possible._) Perhaps you will kindly inform me why I have been
subjected to this indignity?
_Tredwell_ (_in perturbation_). I think, Mr. Undershell, sir, in
common fairness, you'll admit as you've mainly yourself to thank for
any mistakes that have occurred; for which I 'asten to express my
pussonal regret.
_Undershell._ So long as you realise that you have made a mistake, I
am willing to overlook it, on condition that you help me to get away
from this place without your master and mistress's knowledge.
_Tredwell._ It's too late, sir. They know you're 'ere!
_Undershell._ They know! Then there's no time to be lost. I must leave
this moment!
_Tredwell._ No, sir, excuse me; but you can't hardly do that _now_. I
was to say that Sir Rupert and the ladies would be glad to see you in
the droring-room himmediate.
_Undershell._ Man alive! do you imagine anything would induce me to
meet them now, after the humiliations I have been compelled to suffer
under this roof?
_Tredwell._ If you would prefer anything that has taken place in the
room, sir, or in the stables to be 'ushed up----
_Undershell._ Prefer it! If it were only possible! But they know--they
_know_! What's the use of talking like that?
_Tredwell_ (_to himself_). I know where I am now! (_Aloud._) They know
nothink up to the present, Mr. Undershell, nor yet I see no occasion
why they should--leastwise from any of _Us_.
_Undershell._ But they know I'm here; how am I to account for all the
time----?
_Tredwell._ Excuse me, sir. I thought of that, and it occurred to me
as it might be more agreeable to your feelings, sir, if I conveyed an
impression that you had only just arrived--'aving missed your train,
sir.
_Undershell_ (_overjoyed_). How am I to thank you? that was really
most discreet of you--most considerate!
_Tredwell._ I am truly rejoiced to hear you say so, sir. And I'll take
care nothing leaks out. And if you'll be kind enough to follow me to
the droring-room, the ladies are waiting to see you.
_Undershell_ (_to himself_). I may actually meet Lady Maisie Mull
after all! (_Aloud, recollecting his condition._) But I can't go down
like this. I'm in such a horrible mess!
_Tredwell._ I reelly don't perceive it, sir; except a little white on
your coat-collar behind. Allow me--there it's off now. (_He gives him
a hand-glass_) If you'd like to see for yourself.
_Undershell_ (_to himself as he looks_). A slight pallor, that's all.
I am more presentable than I could have hoped. (_Aloud._) Have the
kindness to take me to Lady Culverin at once.
_In the Chinese Drawing-room. A few minutes later._
_Sir Rupert_ (_to_ UNDERSHELL, _after the introductions have been gone
through_). And so you missed the 4.55 and had to come on by the 7.30
which stops everywhere, eh?
_Undershell._ It--it certainly does stop at most stations.
_Sir Rupert._ And how did you get on to Wyvern--been here long?
_Undershell._ N--not _particularly_ long.
_Sir Rupert._ Fact is, you see, we made a mistake. Very ridiculous,
but we've been taking that young fellow, Mr. Spurrell, for _you_ all
this time; so we never thought of inquiring whether you'd come or not.
It was only just now he told us how he'd met you in the Verney
Chamber, and the very handsome way, if you will allow me to say so, in
which you had tried to efface yourself.
_Undershell_ (_to himself_). I didn't expect him to take _that_ view
of it! (_Aloud._) I--I felt I had no alternative.
[Lady MAISIE _regards him with admiration_.
_Sir Rupert._ You did an uncommon fine thing, sir, and I'm afraid you
received treatment on your arrival which you had every right to
resent.
_Undershell_ (_to himself_). I hoped he didn't know about the
housekeeper's room! (_Aloud._) Please say no more about it, Sir
Rupert. I know now that you were entirely innocent of any----
_Sir Rupert_ (_horrified_). Good Gad! you didn't suppose _I_ had any
hand in fixing up that booby-trap, or whatever it was, did you? Young
fellows will get bear-fighting and playing idiotic tricks on one
another, and you seem to have been the victim--that's how it was. Have
you had anything to eat since you came? If not----
_Undershell_ (_hastily_). Thank you, I--I _have_ dined. (_To
himself._) So he _doesn't_ know where, after all! I will spare him
_that_.
_Sir Rupert._ Got some food at Shuntingbridge, eh? Afraid they gave
you a wretched dinner?
_Undershell._ Quite the reverse, I assure you. (_To himself._)
Considering that it came from his own table!
_Pilliner_ (_to himself_). I _still_ don't understand how his
clothes---- (_Aloud._) Did you send your portmanteau on ahead, then, or
what?
_Undershell_ (_blankly_). Send my port--? I don't understand.
_Pilliner._ Oh, I only asked, because the other man said he was
wearing your things.
_Sir Rupert_ (_as_ UNDERSHELL _remains speechless_). I see how it
was--perfectly simple--rush for the train--porter put your luggage
in--you got left behind, wasn't that it?
_Undershell._ I--I certainly _did_ get separated from my portmanteau,
somehow, and I suppose it must have arrived before me. (_To himself._)
Considering the pace of the fly-horse, I think I am justified in
assuming _that_!
_Pilliner_ (_to himself_). Ass I was not to hold my tongue!
_Lady Maisie_ (_in an undertone, to_ Captain THICKNESSE). Gerald, you
remember what I said some time ago--about poetry and poets?
_Captain Thicknesse._ Perfectly. And I thought you were quite right.
_Lady Maisie._ I was quite _wrong_. I didn't know what I was talking
about. I do now. Good night. (_She crosses to_ UNDERSHELL.) Good
night, Mr. Blair, I'm so very glad we have met--at last!
[_She goes._
_Undershell_ (_to himself, rapturously_). She's _not_ freckled; she's
not even sandy. She's lovely! And, by some unhoped-for good fortune,
all this has only raised me in her eyes. I am more than compensated!
_Captain Thicknesse_ (_to himself_). I may just as well get back to
Aldershot to-morrow--_now_. I'll go and prepare Lady C.'s mind, in
case. It's hard luck; just when everything seemed goin' right! I'd
give somethin' to have the other bard back, I know. It's no earthly
use my tryin' to stand against _this_ one!