LE VÉTÉRINAIRE MALGRÉ LUI
_Outside the Stables at Wyvern._ TIME--_About_ 10 P.M.
_Undershell_ (_to himself, as he follows_ ADAMS). Now is my time to
arrange about getting away from here. (_To_ ADAMS.) By the bye, I
suppose you can let me have a conveyance of some sort--after I've seen
the horse? I--I'm rather in a hurry.
_Adams._ You'd better speak to Mr. Checkley about that, sir; it ain't
in _my_ department, you see. I'll fetch him round, if you'll wait here
a minute; he'd like to hear what you think about the 'orse.
[_He goes off to the coachman's quarters._
_Undershell_ (_alone_). A very civil fellow this; he seems quite
anxious to show me this animal! There must be _something_ very
remarkable about it.
[ADAMS _returns with_ CHECKLEY.
_Adams._ Mr. Checkley, our 'ed coachman, Mr. Undershell. He's coming
in along with us to 'ear what you say, if you've no objections.
_Undershell_ (_to himself_). I must make a friend of this coachman, or
else---- (_Aloud._) I shall be charmed, Mr. Checkley. I've only a very
few minutes to spare; but I'm most curious to see this horse of yours.
_Checkley._ He ain't one o' _my_ 'orses, sir. If he _'ad_ been---- But
there, I'd better say nothing about it.
_Adams_ (_as he leads the way into the stables, and turns up the
gas_). There, sir, that's Deerfoot over there in the loose box.
_Undershell_ (_to himself_). He seems to me much like any _other_
horse! However, I can't be wrong in admiring. (_Aloud, as he inspects
him, through the rails._) Ah, indeed? he _is_ worth seeing! A
magnificent creature!
_Adams_ (_stripping off_ Deerfoot's _clothing_). He's a good 'orse,
sir. Her ladyship won't trust herself on no other animal, not since
she 'ad the influenzy so bad. She'd take on dreadful if I 'ad to tell
her he wouldn't be fit for no more work, she would!
_Undershell_ (_sympathetically_). I can quite imagine so. Not that he
seems in any danger of _that_!
_Checkley_ (_triumphantly_). There, you 'ear that, Adams? The minute
he set eyes on the 'orse!
_Adams._ Wait till Mr. Undershell has seen him move a bit, and see
what he says _then_.
_Checkley._ If it was what _you_ think, he'd never be standing like he
is now, depend upon it.
_Adams._ You _can't_ depend upon it. He 'eard us coming, and he's
quite artful enough to draw his foot back for fear o' getting a knock.
(_To_ UNDERSHELL.) I've noticed him very fidgety-like on his forelegs
this last day or two.
_Undershell._ _Have_ you, though? (_To himself._) I hope he won't be
fidgety with his _hind_-legs. I shall stay outside.
_Adams._ I cooled him down with a rubub and aloes ball, and kep 'im on
low diet; but he don't seem no better.
_Undershell_ (_to himself_). I didn't gather the horse was unwell.
(_Aloud._) Dear me! no better? You don't say so!
_Checkley._ If you'd rubbed a little embrocation into the shoulder,
you'd ha' done more good, in _my_ opinion, and it's my belief as Mr.
Undershell here will tell you I'm right.
_Undershell_ (_to himself_). Can't afford to offend the coachman!
(_Aloud._) Well, I dare say--er--embrocation _would_ have been better.
_Adams._ Ah, that's where me and Mr. Checkley differ. According to
me, it ain't to do with the shoulder at all--it's a deal lower
down.... I'll 'ave him out of the box and you'll soon see what I mean.
_Undershell_ (_hastily_). Pray don't trouble on my account. I--I can
see him capitally from where I am, thanks.
_Adams._ You know best, sir. Only I thought you'd be better able to
form a judgment after you'd seen the way he stepped across. But if you
was to come in and examine the frog?-- I don't like the look of it
myself.
_Undershell_ (_to himself_). I'm sure _I_ don't. I've a horror of
reptiles. (_Aloud._) You're very good. I--I think I won't come in. The
place must be rather _damp_, mustn't it--for that?
_Adams._ It's dry enough in 'ere, sir, as you may see; nor yet he
ain't been standing about in no wet. Still, there it _is_, you see!
_Undershell_ (_to himself_). What a fool he must be not to drive it
out! Of course it must annoy the horse. (_Aloud._) I don't see it; but
I'm quite willing to take your word for it.
_Adams._ I don't know how you can _expect_ to see it, sir, without you
look inside of the 'oof for it.
_Undershell_ (_to himself_). It's not alive--it's something _inside_
the hoof. I suppose I ought to have known that. (_Aloud._) Just so;
but I see no necessity for looking inside the hoof.
_Checkley._ In course he don't, or he'd ha' looked the very fust
thing, with all his experience. I 'ope you're satisfied _now_, Adams?
_Adams._ I can't say as I am. I say as no man can examine a 'orse
thoroughly at that distance, be he who he may. And whether I'm right
or wrong, it 'ud be more of a satisfaction to me if Mr. Undershell was
to step in and see the 'oof for himself.
_Checkley._ Well, there's sense in that, and I dessay Mr. Undershell
won't object to obliging you that far.
_Undershell_ (_with reluctance_). Oh, with pleasure, if you make a
point of it.
[_He enters the loose box delicately._
_Adams_ (_picking up one of the horse's feet_). Now, tell me how this
'ere 'oof strikes you.
_Undershell_ (_to himself_). That hoof _can't_; but I'm not so sure
about the others. (_Aloud, as he inspects it._) Well--er--it seems to
me a very _nice_ hoof.
_Adams_ (_grimly_). I was not arsking your opinion of it as a work of
_art_, sir. Do you see any narrering coming on, or do you not? That's
what I should like to get out of _you_!
_Undershell_ (_to himself_). Does this man suppose I _collect_ hoofs!
However, I'm not going to commit myself. (_Aloud._) H'm--well, I--I
rather agree with Mr. Checkley.
_Checkley._ I knew he would! Now you've _got_ it, Adams! _I_ can see
Mr. Undershell knows what he's about.
_Adams_ (_persistently_). But look at this 'ere pastern. You can't
deny there's puffiness there. How do you get over _that_?
_Undershell._ If the horse is puffy, it's _his_ business to get over
it--not mine.
_Adams_ (_aggrieved_). You may think proper to treat it light, sir;
but if you put your 'and down 'ere, above the coronet, you'll feel a
throbbing as plain as----
_Undershell._ Very likely. But I don't know, really, that it would
afford me any particular gratification if I _did_!
_Adams._ Well, if you don't take _my_ view, I should ha' thought as
you'd want to feel the 'orse's pulse.
_Undershell._ You are quite mistaken. I don't. (_To himself._)
Particularly as I shouldn't know where to find it. What a bore this
fellow is with his horse!
_Checkley._ In course, sir, _you_ see what's running in Mr. Adams's
'ed all this time, what he's a-driving at, eh?
_Undershell_ (_to himself_). I only wish I did! This will require
tact. (_Aloud._) I--I could hardly avoid seeing _that_--could I?
_Checkley._ _I_ should think not. And it stands to reason as a vet
like yourself'd spot a thing like navickler fust go off.
_Undershell_ (_to himself_). A vet! They've been taking me for a vet
all this time! I can't have been so ignorant as I thought. I really
don't like to undeceive them--they might feel annoyed. (_Aloud,
knowingly._) To be sure, I--I spotted it at once.
_Adams._ He _does_ make it out navicular after all! What did I tell
you, Checkley? Now p'raps you'll believe _me_!
_Checkley._ I'll be shot if that 'orse has navickler, whoever says
so--there!
_Adams_ (_gloomily_). It's the 'orse 'll 'ave to be shot; worse luck!
I'd ha' give something if Mr. Undershell could ha' shown I was wrong;
but there was very little doubt in _my_ mind what it was all along.
_Undershell_ (_to himself, horrified_). I've been pronouncing this
unhappy animal's doom without knowing it! I must tone it down.
(_Aloud._) No--no, I never said he must be shot. There's no reason to
despair. It--it's quite a mild form of er--clavicular--not at all
infectious at present. And the horse has a splendid constitution.
I--I really think he'll soon be himself again, if we only--er--leave
Nature to do her work, you know.
_Adams_ (_after a prolonged whistle_). Well, if Nature ain't better up
in her work than you seem to be, it's 'igh time she chucked it, and
took to something else. You've a lot to learn about navicular, _you_
'ave, if you can talk such rot as that!
[Illustration: "YOU'VE A LOT TO LEARN ABOUT NAVICULAR, YOU
'AVE, IF YOU CAN TALK SUCH ROT AS THAT!"]
_Checkley._ Ah, I've 'ad to do with a vet or two in my time, but I'm
blest if I ever come across the likes o' _you_ afore!
_Undershell_ (_to himself_). I _knew_ they'd find me out! I must
pacify them. (_Aloud._) But, look here, I'm _not_ a vet. I never said
I _was_. It was your mistake entirely. The fact is, my--my good men, I
came down here because--well, it's unnecessary to explain now _why_ I
came. But I'm most anxious to get away, and if you, my dear Mr.
Checkley, could let me have a trap to take me to Shuntingbridge
to-night, I should feel extremely obliged.
[CHECKLEY _stares, deprived of speech_.
_Adams_ (_with a private wink to_ CHECKLEY). Certainly he will, sir.
I'm sure Checkley 'll feel proud to turn out, late as it is, to oblige
a gentleman with your remarkable knowledge of 'orseflesh. Drive you
over hisself in the broom and pair, _I_ shouldn't wonder!
_Undershell._ _One_ horse will be quite sufficient. Very well, then.
I'll just run up and get my portmanteau, and--and one or two things of
mine, and if you will be round at the back entrance--don't trouble to
drive up to the _front_ door--as soon as possible, I won't keep you
waiting longer than I can help. Good evening, Mr. Adams, and many
thanks. (_To himself, as he hurries back to the house._) I've got out
of that rather well. Now, I've only to find my way to the Verney
Chamber, see this fellow Spurrell, and get my clothes back, and then I
can retreat with comfort, and even dignity! These Culverins shall
learn that there is at least _one_ poet who will not put up with their
insolent patronage!
_Checkley_ (_to_ ADAMS). He _has_ got a cool cheek, and no mistake!
But if he waits to be druv over to Shuntingbridge till _I_ come round
for him, he'll 'ave to set on that portmanteau of his a goodish time!
_Adams._ He did you pretty brown, I must say. To 'ear you crowing over
me when he was on your side. I could 'ardly keep from larfing!
_Checkley._ I see he warn't no vet long afore you, but I let it go on
for the joke of it. It was rich to see you a-wanting him to feel the
'oof, and give it out navickler. Well, you got his opinion for what it
was wuth, so _you're_ all right!
_Adams._ You think nobody knows anything about 'orses but yourself,
you do; but if you're meanin' to make a story out o' this against me,
why, I shall tell it _my_ way, that's all!
_Checkley._ It was you he made a fool of, not me--and I can prove
it--there!
[_They dispute the point, with rising warmth, for some
time._
_Adams_ (_calming down_). Well, see 'ere, Checkley, I dunno, come to
think of it, as either on us 'll show up partickler smart over this
'ere job; and it strikes me we'd better both agree to keep quiet about
it, eh? (CHECKLEY _acquiesces, not unwillingly_.) And I think I'll
take a look in at the 'ousekeeper's-room presently, and try if I can't
drop a hint to old Tredwell about that smooth-tongued chap, for it's
my belief he ain't down 'ere for no good!