CROSS PURPOSES
_In a First-class Compartment._
_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). Poets don't seem to have much
self-possession. He seems perfectly overcome by hearing my name like
that. If only he doesn't lose his head completely and say something
about my wretched letter!
_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). I'd better tell 'em before they find out
for themselves. (_Aloud; desperately._) My lady, I--I feel I ought to
explain at once how I come to be going down to Wyvern like this.
[Lady MAISIE _only just suppresses a terrified protest_.
_Lady Cantire_ (_benignly amused_). My good sir, there's not the
slightest necessity; I am perfectly aware of who you are, and
everything about you!
_Spurrell_ (_incredulously_). But really I don't see _how_ your
ladyship---- Why, I haven't said a _word_ that----
_Lady Cantire_ (_with a solemn waggishness_.) Celebrities who mean to
preserve their _incognito_ shouldn't allow their friends to see them
off. I happened to hear a certain _Andromeda_ mentioned, and that was
quite enough for Me!
_Spurrell_ (_to himself, relieved_). She knows; seen the sketch of me
in the _Dog Fancier_, I expect; goes in for breeding bulls herself,
very likely. Well, that's a load off my mind! (_Aloud._) You don't say
so, my lady. I'd no idea your ladyship would have any taste that way;
most agreeable surprise to me, I can assure you!
_Lady Cantire._ I see no reason for _surprise_ in the matter. I have
always endeavoured to cultivate my taste in all directions; to keep in
touch with every modern development. I make it a rule to read and see
_everything_. Of course, I have no time to give more than a rapid
glance at most things; but I hope some day to be able to have another
look at your _Andromeda_. I hear the most glowing accounts from all
the judges.
_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). She knows all the judges! She _must_ be in
the fancy! (_Aloud._) Any time your ladyship likes to name I shall be
proud and happy to bring her round for your inspection.
_Lady Cantire_ (_with condescension_). If you are kind enough to offer
me a copy of _Andromeda_, I shall be _most_ pleased to possess one.
_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). Sharp old customer, this; trying to rush me
for a pup. _I_ never offered her one! (_Aloud._) Well, as to _that_,
my lady, I've promised so many already, that really I don't--but
there--I'll see what I can _do_ for you. I'll make a note of it; you
mustn't mind having to _wait_ a bit.
_Lady Cantire_ (_raising her eyebrows_). I will make an effort to
support existence in the meantime.
_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). I couldn't have believed that the man
who could write such lovely verses should be so--well, not _exactly_ a
gentleman! How _petty_ of me to have such thoughts. Perhaps geniuses
never _are_. And as if it _mattered_! And I'm sure he's very natural
and simple, and I shall like him when I know him better.
[_The train slackens._
_Lady Cantire._ What station is this? Oh, it _is_ Shuntingbridge.
(_To_ SPURRELL, _as they get out_.) Now, if you'll kindly take charge
of these bags, and go and see whether there's anything from Wyvern to
meet us--you will find us here when you come back.
_On the Platform at Shuntingbridge._
_Lady Cantire._ Ah, _there_ you are, Phillipson! Yes, you can take the
jewel-case; and now you had better go and see after the trunks.
(PHILLIPSON _hurries back to the luggage-van_; SPURRELL _returns_.)
Well, Mr.--I always forget names, so I shall call you "Andromeda"--have
you found out---- The omnibus, is it? Very well, take us to it, and
we'll get in.
[_They go outside._
_Undershell_ (_at another part of the platform--to himself_). Where
has Miss Mull disappeared to? Oh, there she is, pointing out her
luggage. What a quantity she travels with! Can't be such a _very_ poor
relation. How graceful and collected she is, and how she orders the
porters about! I really believe I shall enjoy this visit. (_To a
porter._) That's mine--the brown one with a white star. I want it to
go to Wyvern Court--Sir Rupert Culverin's.
_Porter_ (_shouldering it_). Right, sir. Follow me, if you please.
[_He disappears with it._
_Undershell_ (_to himself_). I mustn't leave Miss Mull alone.
(_Advancing to her._) Can I be of any assistance?
_Phillipson._ It's all done now. But you might try and find out how
we're to get to the Court.
[UNDERSHELL _departs; is requested to produce his ticket,
and spends several minutes in searching every pocket
but the right one_.
[Illustration: SEARCHING EVERY POCKET BUT THE RIGHT ONE.]
_In the Station Yard at Shuntingbridge._
_Lady Cantire_ (_from the interior of the Wyvern omnibus, testily, to_
Footman). What are we waiting for _now_? Is my maid coming with us--or
how?
_Footman._ There's a fly ordered to take her, my lady.
_Lady Cantire_ (_to_ SPURRELL, _who is standing below_). Then it's
_you_ who are keeping us!
_Spurrell._ If your ladyship will excuse me. I'll just go and see if
they've put out my bag.
_Lady Cantire_ (_impatiently_). Never mind about your bag. (_To_
Footman.) What have you done with this gentleman's luggage?
_Footman._ Everything for the Court is on top now, my lady.
[_He opens the door for_ SPURRELL.
_Lady Cantire_ (_to_ SPURRELL, _who is still irresolute_). For
goodness' sake don't hop about on that step! Come in, and let us
start.
_Lady Maisie._ _Please_ get in--there's _plenty_ of room!
_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). They _are_ chummy, and no mistake! (_Aloud,
as he gets in._) I do hope it won't be considered any intrusion--my
coming up along with your ladyships, I mean!
_Lady Cantire_ (_snappishly_). Intrusion! I never heard such nonsense!
Did you expect to be asked to run behind? You really mustn't be so
ridiculously modest. As if your _Andromeda_ hadn't procured you the
_entrée_ everywhere!
[_The omnibus starts._
_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). Good old Drummy! No idea I was such a
swell. I'll keep my tail up. Shyness ain't one of _my_ failings.
(_Aloud, to an indistinct mass at the further end of the omnibus,
which is unlighted._) Er--hum--pitch dark night, my lady, don't get
much idea of the country! (_The mass makes no response._) I was
saying, my lady, it's too dark to---- (_The mass snores peacefully._)
Her ladyship seems to be taking a snooze on the quiet, my lady. (_To_
Lady MAISIE.) (_To himself._) Not that _that's_ the term for it!
_Lady Maisie_ (_distantly_). My mother gets tired rather easily. (_To
herself._) It's really too dreadful; he makes me hot all over! If he's
going to do this kind of thing at Wyvern! And I'm more or less
_responsible_ for him, too! I _must_ see if I can't---- It will be only
kind. (_Aloud, nervously._) Mr.--Mr. Blair!
_Spurrell._ Excuse me, my lady, not _Blair_--Spurrell.
_Lady Maisie._ Of course, _how_ stupid of me. I knew it wasn't
_really_ your name. Mr. _Spurrell_, then, you--you won't mind if I
give you just one little hint, _will_ you?
_Spurrell._ I shall take it kindly of your ladyship, whatever it is.
_Lady Maisie_ (_more nervously still_). It's really such a trifle,
but--but, in speaking to mamma or me, it isn't at all necessary to say
"my lady" or "your ladyship." I--I mean, it sounds rather,
well--_formal_, don't you know!
_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). _She's_ going to be chummy now! (_Aloud._)
I thought, on a first acquaintance, it was only manners.
_Lady Maisie._ Oh--manners? yes, I--I dare say--but still--but
still--_not_ at Wyvern, don't you know. If you like, you can call
mamma "Lady Cantire," and me "Lady Maisie," now and then, and, of
course, my aunt will be "Lady Culverin," but--but if there are other
people staying in the house, you needn't call them _anything_, do you
see?
_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). I'm not likely to have the chance!
(_Aloud._) Well, if you're sure they won't _mind_ it, because I'm not
used to this sort of thing, so I put myself entirely in your
hands,--for, of course, _you_ know what brought me down here?
_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). He means my foolish letter! Oh, I must
put a stop to _that_ at once! (_In a hurried undertone._) Yes--yes;
I--I think I do I mean, I _do_ know--but--but _please_ forget
it--_indeed_, you must!
_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). Forget I've come down as a vet? The
Culverins will take care I don't forget that! (_Aloud._) But, I say,
it's all very well; but how _can_ I? Why, look here; I was told I was
to come down here on purpose to----
_Lady Maisie_ (_on thorns_). I know--you needn't tell me! And _don't_
speak so loud! _Mamma_ might hear!
_Spurrell_ (_puzzled_). What if she did? Why, I thought her la--your
mother _knew_!
_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). He actually thinks I should tell mamma!
Oh, how _dense_ he is! (_Aloud._) Yes--yes--of _course_ she
knows--but--but you might _wake_ her! And--and please don't allude to
it again--to me or--or any one. (_To herself._) That I should have to
beg him to be silent like this! But what can I _do_? Goodness only
knows _what_ he mightn't say, if I don't warn him!
_Spurrell_ (_nettled_). I don't mind _who_ knows. _I'm_ not ashamed
of it, Lady Maisie--whatever you may be!
_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself, exasperated_). He dares to imply that
_I_'ve done something to be ashamed of! (_Aloud, haughtily._) I'm
_not_ ashamed--why _should_ I be? Only--oh, can't you _really_
understand that--that one may do things which one wouldn't care to be
reminded of publicly? I don't _wish_ it--isn't _that_ enough?
_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). I see what she's at now--doesn't want it to
come out that she's travelled down here with a vet! (_Aloud,
stiffly._) A lady's wish is enough for _me_ at any time. If you're
sorry for having gone out of your way to be friendly, why, I'm not the
person to take advantage of it. I hope I know how to behave.
[_He takes refuge in offended silence._
_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). Why did I say anything at all! I've only
made things worse--I've let him see that he _has_ an advantage. And
he's certain to use it sooner or later--unless I am civil to him. I've
offended him now--and I shall _have_ to make it up with him!
_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). I thought all along she didn't seem as
chummy as her mother--but to turn round on me like this!
_Lady Cantire_ (_waking up_). Well, Mr. Andromeda, I should have
thought you and my daughter might have found _some_ subject in common;
but I haven't heard a word from either of you since we left the
station.
_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). That's _some_ comfort! (_Aloud._) You
must have had a nap, mamma. We--we _have_ been talking.
_Spurrell._ Oh yes, we _have_ been talking, I can assure you, Lady
Cantire!
_Lady Cantire._ Dear me. Well, Maisie, I hope the conversation was
entertaining?
_Lady Maisie._ M--most entertaining, mamma!
_Lady Cantire._ I'm quite sorry I missed it. (_The omnibus stops._)
Wyvern at last! But _what_ a journey it's been, to be sure!
_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). I should just think it had. I've never been
so taken up and put down in all my life! But it's over now; and, thank
goodness, I'm not likely to see any more of 'em!
[_He gets out with alacrity._