(A FARCICAL TRAGEDY, IN TWO SCENES--NOT LICENSED FOR
REPRESENTATION.)
SCENE I.--THE BARRACK SQUARE. PRESENT--NO. 1 COMPANY, AWAITING
INSPECTION.
_Captain_ (_to Subaltern_). Have you proved them?
_Subaltern_. Sorry, Sir, but the men say they know their places, and
it is useless labour.
_Capt._ Very well--I daresay they are right. You know we have been
told to be conciliatory. Open order! March! For inspection--port arms!
[Illustration]
_Sergeant_ (_stepping forward, and saluting_). Beg pardon, Sir,
but the men are under the impression that you wish to examine their
rifles?
_Capt._ Certainly. (_To Subaltern_). Take the rear rank, while I look
after the front.
_Serg._ Beg pardon, Sir, but the men haven't taken open order yet.
They say that they are responsible for their rifles when they have to
use them before the enemy, and you may rely upon it that they will be
all right then.
_Capt._ Very well--then we will dispense with inspection of arms.
Buttons bright, and straps in their proper places?
_Serg._ (_doubtfully_). So they say, Sir.
_Capt._ Well, then, read the orders.
_Serg._ Beg pardon, Sir, but the men say they know their duty, and
don't want to listen to no orders.
_Capt._ Well, well, I am glad to hear that they are so patriotic. Hope
that the Commanding Officer will dispense (under the circumstances)
with the formality. Anything more?
_Serg._ Privates BROWN, JONES, and ROBINSON are told off for duty on
guard, Sir.
_Capt._ March them off, then.
_Serg._ Please, Sir, they say they want to speak to you.
_Capt._ Very well--bring them up. (Sergeant _obeys_.) Now, men, what
is it?
_Private Brown_. Please, Sir, I have got a tooth-ache.
_Capt._ Very well--fall out, and go to the doctor.
_Private B._ Please, Sir, I don't want to see no doctor. I can cure
myself.
_Capt._ Very well--cure yourself. (Private _salutes, and retires._)
And now, JONES and ROBINSON, what do you want?
_Private Jones_. Please, Sir, me and ROBINSON were told off for
guard six months ago, and we think it's too much to expect us to do
sentry-go so soon.
_Capt._ Well, you know your orders.
_Private J._ Oh, that'll be all right, Sir! We'll explain to the War
Office if there's any row about it!
[The Privates salute, and retire.
_Capt._ Anything else, Sergeant?
_Sergt._ Well, no, Sir--you see the men won't do anything.
_Capt._ Under those circumstances, I suppose I have only to give the
usual words of command. Company, attention! Right turn--dismiss!
[They dismiss.
SCENE II.--BEFORE THE ENEMY. PRESENT--NO. 1 COMPANY AWAITING ORDERS
TO ADVANCE.
_Captain_.--Now, my men, all you have to do is to keep your heads, and
obey orders. Attention! Fix Bayonets!
_Subaltern_. Sorry to say, Sir, they have paraded without bayonets.
_Capt._ Well, that's to be regretted; although they are small enough
nowadays, in all conscience! Fire a volley! At a thousand yards!
Ready!
_Sub._ Very sorry. Sir, but the men forgot to bring their ammunition.
_Capt._--Come, this is getting serious! Here's the Cavalry preparing
to charge, and we are useless! Must move 'em off! Right turn!
_Sergeant_. Please, Sir, the Company's a bit rusty, and don't know
their right hands from their left.
_Capt._ (_losing his temper_). Confound it! They don't, don't
they! Well, hang it all, I suppose they will understand this? (_To
Company._) Here, you pampered useless idiots--bolt!
[They bolt.
* * * * *
A CUTTING (transplanted from the advertisements in the _Belfast
News-Letter_):--
WANTED, A PARROT: one brought up in a respectable family, and
that has not been taught naughty words or bigoted expressions,
preferred.--Apply by letter, stating price, &c.
"Preferred!" What sort of a Parrot had they been previously accustomed
to at that house?
* * * * *
NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
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