[All applications in answer to be addressed to the office
of this journal, accompanied by handsome P.O.O, and lots of
shilling stamps, which will in every case be retained, without
acknowledgment, as a guarantee of good faith.]
URGENT CASE.--WANTED, by a little Boy, aged 10, of thoroughly
disagreeable temper, selfish, greedy, ill-mannered, and thoroughly
spoilt at home, a good sound Whipping, weekly, if possible. Great care
will be necessary on the part of applicant in fulfilling requirements,
parents of youth in question, being firmly convinced that he is a
noble little fellow, with a fine manly spirit, just what his dear
Papa was at his age (as is very probably the case) and only requiring
peculiarly gentle and considerate treatment.--Apply (in first
instance, by letter) to Godfather, care of _Mr. Punch_.
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TO PARENTS AND GUARDIANS,--affectionate but practical-minded, and
anxious to find economical homes (somewhere else) for young gentlemen
who cannot get on without expensive assistance at starting in Mother
country, owing to excessive competition in laborious and over-crowded
professions. A firm of enterprising Agents offer bracing and
profitable occupation (coupled with the use _gratis_, of two broken
spades, an old manure-cart, and an axe without a handle) in a
peculiarly romantic and unhealthy district in the backwoods of
West-Torrida. Photograph, if desired, of Agent's residence (distant
several hundred miles away.) Excellent opening for young men fresh
from first-class public school or college-life: who should, of course,
be prepared to "rough it" a little before making competence or
large fortune, by delightful pursuit of agriculture. No restrictive
civilisation. No drains. Excellent supply of water and heavy floods as
a rule, during three months of year, bringing on Spring crops without
expense of irrigation. Very low death-rate, most of population
having recently cleared out. Small village and (horse)-doctor within
twenty-five miles' ride. Wild and beautiful country. Every incentive
to work. Rare poisonous reptiles, and tarantula spiders, most
interesting to young observant naturalist. Capital prospect--great
saving offered to careful parents anxious to set up brougham, or
increase private expenses. Five boys (reduction on taking a quantity)
disposed of for about £250 and outfit, with probably, no further
trouble.--Address, Messrs. SHARKEY AND CRIMPIN, Colonial and
Emigration Agents. &c.
* * * * *
CONCERTS! CONCERTS!--Amateur Comic Vocalist and impromptu "Vamper"
(gentleman born) of several years' experience in best London Society,
is anxious to meet with bold and speculative Manager who will offer
him a first engagement. Can sing--omitting a few high notes--various
popular melodies, comprising, "_Aunt Sarah's Back-hair," "The Twopenny
Toff of 'Ighgate 'Ill_," and "_Tommy Robinson's Last Cigar_," and also
play piano if required, with one finger, but prefers to be accompanied
by indefatigable friend, who plays entirely by ear, and if allowed to
smoke freely, can "pick up" any tune in a quarter of an hour. Seldom
breaks down or forgets words, except before large or unsympathetic
audience. Fetching comic "biz," and superlative Music-hall "chic."
Would have no objection to black face and appear at evening parties,
or in fashionable streets, with banjo (if provided with small police
escort.) Testimonials from several highly respectable relatives, now
in asylum, or under treatment at seaside.--Address, with terms, the
Hon. ALGERNON BRASSLEIGH CHEEKINGTON (or at Chimpanzee Chambers in
Piccadilly, W.)
* * * * *
SUGGESTION FOR REFORM IN PUBLIC SCHOOLS' SYSTEM.--"_Absence_" should
be called immediately after dinner, and then each boy, instead
of saying, "Here, Sir!" could reply, classically and correctly,
"_Adsum!_" Yours truly, AN OVER-ETON BOY.
* * * * *
[Illustration: LAT. 60° 8' N. LONG. 4° 30' E.
_Mr. Punch en route for the Midnight Sun. First glimpse of Norway._]
* * * * *
"THE CUP THAT CHE-(HIC)-ERS!"
The Total Abstainer staggered to his feet. The room seemed to be
waltzing round him, and his legs acted independently of each other.
One of those legs tried to walk to the right, whilst the other moved
to the left! He looked in the mirror and saw a double reflection!
He had two noses, a couple of mouths, four eyes, and countless
whiskers. This made him merry, and he laughed in very glee. But
only for a while! Soon he became utterly depressed. Then his head
ached--horribly! He tried to sleep--he could not! "Never too late--to
MENDAL!" he gasped out, uttering in his extreme agitation the name of
a Physician of Berlin who had made inebriety a special study.
Then his muscles became weak and trembling, his aversion to labour
increased, and he had scarcely the energy or power to observe that
his complexion (in patches) was ruddier than the cherry.
"Alas!" he sighed, and he succumbed permanently to persistent
dyspepsia!
And what was the cause of this unfortunate, this terrible condition?
Sad to say, the question was easily answered. The Total Abstainer had
taken a drop too much--of Coffee!
* * * * *