HE CALLS ON MARIA AND PRONOUNSES HER FRAGRANT.--AT A CHURCH
SUPPER.--BENERVOLENSE REWARDED.----A EPPYDEMMICK.
Last nite I went over to call on Maria. I thot I'd be prepared, so I
washed myself in ma's lavender water, and sprinkeled oh de coloney all
over my does. Wen I nocked at Marias dore, I stepped down off the steps
and wated for her appairanse. At last she cum, and blushed up orful wen
I ast her if it was all rite. She sed she didnt kno, cos she'd got so
used to it she culdnt tell, but she thot it was all rite, cos she'd ben
standin 'tween two open winders for the weak, and if it warnt gone by
this time, she guest it'd stick to her for life. I walked up a littel
closer to her, and sed: “Maria, cum here.” She cum, and caushusly and
carefully I put my knoes neer her, and sure enuf I culdnt smell nothin
but a slite oder of cloride of lime and a lingerin of carbollick acid.
Then I kissed her and maid her get fixed up, cos we was goin to report
a oyster supper wot cum off at the U. P. Church. Wen Maria and me got
there most everybodie had ete there plate of hot water, wot the church
wardin'd had settin down on one of the oyster stalls at Fulton Market
for bout a weak, so as it'd inhail a sa very flaver. Soon as Maria and
me had got thru our plate, the 'xcitement begun, and the ladies all brot
round there books for to hav us giv em 10 cents, and put down our names
for a chanse in the one lonesum oyster wot the stew had ben maid of. Wen
the wimmin had fleeced all the fellers outer every cent they had, and
maid em turn there pockets inside out, so as to be sure they warnt tryin
to keep back eny five dollar bills, the preecher got up on a platform
and draw'd a number out of a hat full, wot a littel gal held over her
hed. 'Fore he red out the number, he called on one of the deecons to
offer up a prayer, that the Lord mite open up the hart of the lucky
drawer, to donate the oyster to the church, so as they culd hold a
nuther supper, without incurrin eny more such 'xtravergant 'xpenses.
Then the minnysteer sed 46 was the number, wot he'd drawed out, and
that it stood oppsite Mr. Wylie's name. Now, Mr. Wylie is a orful rich
banker, and is always donatin things to the church, so he got rite up
and sed, he'd giv it to the good cause.
Then there was some cheerin' and every body crowded round the gasoline
stove to wach the cook deposit the oyster in a can, so it culd be stovvd
away in the Wardins Buggler proof safe. After delvin round the bottom of
the pot for sum time the ladel cum up, with its assthetick freight, the
black and green speckled tode, wot I'd slipped inter the stue, wile the
prayer was goin up.
Sumthin muster ben Eppydemic in that church, cos everybodie, xceptin me
and Maria, got to coffin and spuein up, and prayin Good Lord deliver us.