A VISIT FROM A DISTINGUSHED ANTY-MONOPERLIST TYPERGRAFFICAL
TOREWRIST.--HE EXPOSES A MURDERUS CONSPIRACY.--A THRETEND
RESIGNASHUN.
This mornin our offis was onhered by a visit from a typergraffical
torewrist, wot in-terduced hisself as John McNamee. He sed he'd just
returned from a xtensive visit in the Western States, ware he'd been
for sum time, for the benefit of his health. He is one of the most
distinguished members of the perlitikel partis, called Anti-Monopolists.
I admire a man wot praktices wot he preaches. Now, this Mr. McNamee has
never been known to contribute a cent to surportin our grate ralerode
mo-noperlists, altho he has travilled all over the United States by
rale. Beside that, he wouldn't axcept any accommodashuns short of a
green-line sleeper. Wen I arst him y he didn't ware his gold watch-chain
and silk hat, like all other pollytishuns, he sed his partie was
endevourin to freeze out the big clothin monopolies by wearin their does
till they fell off. I notissed his bus-sum swellin with pride, as he
spoke of the fruits there labor had brot forth in the failyure of so
menney grate clothin furms.
He condersended to thro in sum type, and wen he got thru, him and a
cuppel of our printers adjurned down stares to partake of a shampayne
lunch. I guess he warn't used to drinkin lite wines, cos he's been
sleepin under the paper-cutter all the afternoon, dreemin that he was
bein nom-minated for Preserdent on the great anty-monoperlist ticket.
Jest before dinner the edittur told me to tell the make-up man to kill
Lawrence Rickard. Now, his store is ware my pa buys all his groseries,
and his wife and ma's orful good chums, and b'long to the same sewin'
sircle. Mr. Rickard alwus treeted me rite, and I didn't like to see a
cupple of bludthursty villanes kill him without givin' him tim to say
his prayers, so I called inter his store and told him he'd better skip
out or lay lo, cos the edittur was orful mad at him, and had ordered a
nuther feller to kill him. He sed he'd fix 'em. So rite after dinner a
cupple of perlice cum up to the offis and arrested Mr. Gilley and the
make-up man for conspiracy to murder, and they had to xplane it, and pay
all the costs.
I took a littel vacashun this afternoon, and went out fishin', cos I
remembured wot pa says after he's kissed ma by telerfone,
“Distance lends enchantment to the vue.”
So I thot them two bad men wyld be more enchanted with me if I kep at
a safe distance. I'm orful frade my jurnulistick carrieer's goin' to
be broken off short, but I don't think they orter blamed me, cos the
edittur shutd er told me to tell the make-up man to take out that local
notis wot red: “Fresh vegetabels and grene truck received daily, at
L. I. Rickard's Grocerie,” insted of makin' me tell him to kill Mr.
Rickatrd, Well, if I can't be a jurnulist and make a fortune, I' kno wot
I can be, I'll go to the offis in the mornin', and if there's eny music
in the air, I'll resine and berry my hopes. Then I'll leese Dennis
Ryan's old blind muel, wot's too week to kik, and go to peddlin' fish.
The _Buster_ will bust 'fore they make enything outer this chickin;
ain't that so, Mister Diry?