since th' Jap'nese war. Hogan is a prophet. He's wan iv th' gr-reatest
prophets I know. A prophet, Hinnissy, is a man that foresees throuble.
No wan wud listen a minyit to anny prophet that prophesized pleasant
days. A successful weather prophet is wan that predicts thunder storms,
hurrycanes an' earthquakes; a good financial prophet is wan that
predicts panics; a pollytickal prophet must look into th' tea leaves an'
see th' institutions iv th' wurruld cracked wide open an' th' smiling
not to say grinnin', fields iv this counthry iv ours,' or somebody's
laid waste with fire and soord. Hogan's that kind iv a prophet. I'm
onhappy about to-day but cheerful about to-morrah. Hogan is th' happyest
man in th' wurruld about to-day but to-morrah something is goin' to
happen. I hate to-day because to-morrah looks so good. He's happy to-day
because it is so pleasant compared with what to-morrah is goin' to be.
Says I: 'Cheer up; well have a good time at th' picnic next Saturdah.'
Says he: 'It will rain at th' picnic.'
"He's a rale prophet. I wudden't pick him out as a well-finder. He
cudden't find a goold mine f'r ye but he cud see th' bottom iv wan
through three thousand feet iv bullyon. He can peer into th' most
blindin' sunshine an' see th' darkness lurkin' behind it. He's
predicted ivry war that has happened in our time and eight thousand that
haven't happened to happen. If he had his way th' United States navy wud
be so big that there wudden't be room f'r a young fellow to row his girl
in Union Park. He can see a war cloud where I can't see annything but
somebody cookin' his dinner or lightin' his pipe. He'd made th' gr-reat
foreign iditor an' he'd be fine f'r th' job f'r he's best late at night.
"Hogan says th' time has come f'r th' subjick races iv th' wurruld to
rejooce us fair wans to their own complexion be batin' us black and
blue. Up to now 'twas: 'Sam, ye black rascal, tow in thim eggs or I'll
throw ye in th' fire. 'Yassir,' says Sam. 'Comin',' he says. 'Twas: 'Wow
Chow, while ye'er idly stewin' me cuffs I'll set fire to me unpaid
bills.' I wud feel repaid be a kick,' says Wow Chow. 'Twas: 'Maharajah
Sewar, swing th' fan swifter or I'll have to roll over f'r me dog whip.'
'Higgins Sahib,' says Maharajah Sewar, 'Higgins Sahib, beloved iv Gawd
an' Kipling, ye'er punishments ar-re th' nourishment iv th' faithful. My
blood hath served thine f'r manny ginerations. At laste two. 'Twas thine
old man that blacked my father's eye an' sint my uncle up f'r eighty
days. How will ye'er honor have th' accursed swine's flesh cooked f'r
breakfast in th' mornin' when I'm through fannin' ye?'
"But now, says Hogan, it's all changed. Iver since th' Rooshyans were
starved out at Port Arthur and Portsmouth, th' wurrad has passed around
an' ivry naygur fr'm lemon color to coal is bracin' up. He says they
have aven a system of tilly-graftin' that bates ours be miles. They have
no wires or poles or wathered stock but th' population is so thick that
whin they want to sind wurrud along th' line all they have to do is f'r
wan man to nudge another an' something happens in Northern Chiny is
known in Southern Indya befure sunset. And so it passed through th'
undherwurruld that th' color line was not to be dhrawn anny more, an'
Hogan says that almost anny time he ixpicts to see a black face peerin'
through a window an' in a few years I'll be takin' in laundhry in a
basement instead iv occypyin' me present impeeryal position, an' ye'll
be settin' in front iv ye'er cabin home playin' on a banjo an' watchin'
ye'er little pickahinnissies rollickin' on th' ground an' wondhrn' whin
th' lynchin' party'll arrive.
"That's what Hogan says. I niver knew th' subjick races had so much in
thim befure. A few years ago I had no more thought iv Japan thin I have
iv Dorgan's cow. I admire Dorgan's cow. It's a pretty cow. I have often
leaned on th' fence an' watched Dorgan milkin' his cow. Sometimes I
wondhered in a kind iv smoky way why as good an' large a cow as that
shud let a little man like Dorgan milk her. But if Dorgan's cow shud
stand up on her hind legs, kick over the bucket, chase Dorgan out iv th'
lot, put on a khaki unyform, grab hold of a Mauser rifle an' begin
shootin' at me, I wudden't be more surprised thin I am at th' idee iv
Japan bein' wan iv th' nations iv th' wurruld. I don't see what th'
subjick races got to kick about, Hinnissy. We've been awfully good to
thim. We sint thim missionaries to teach thim th' error iv their
relligyon an' nawthin' cud be kinder thin that f'r there's nawthin'
people like betther thin to be told that their parents are not be anny
means where they thought they were but in a far more crowded an'
excitin' locality. An' with th' missionaries we sint sharpshooters that
cud pick off a Chinyman beatin' th' conthribution box at five hundherd
yards. We put up palashal goluf-coorses in the cimitries an' what was
wanst th' tomb iv Hung Chang, th' gr-reat Tartar Impror, rose to th'
dignity iv bein' th' bunker guardin' th' fifth green. No Chinyman cud
fail to be pleased at seein' a tall Englishman hittin' th' Chinyman's
grandfather's coffin with a niblick. We sint explorers up th' Nile who
raypoorted that th' Ganzain flows into th' Oboo just above Lake Mazap, a
fact that th' naygurs had known f'r a long time. Th' explorer announces
that he has changed th' names iv these wather-coorses to Smith,
Blifkins an' Winkinson. He wishes to deny th' infamyous story that he
iver ate a native alive. But wan soon succumbs to th' customs iv a
counthry an' Sir Alfred is no viggytaryan.
"An' now, be Hivin, all these here wretched millyons that we've done so
much f'r ar-re turnin' on us. Th' Japs threaten us with war. Th' Chinese
won't buy shoes fr'm us an' ar-re chasin' th' missionaries out iv their
cozy villas an' not even givin' thim a chance to carry away their
piannies or their silverware. There's th' divvle to pay all along th'
levee fr'm Manchurya to Madagascar, accordin' to Hogan. I begin to feel
onaisy. Th' first thing we know all th' other subjick races will be up.
Th' horses will kick an' bite, the dogs will fly at our throats whin we
lick thim, th' fishes will refuse to be caught, th' cattle an' pigs will
set fire to th' stock yards an' there'll be a gineral rebellyon against
th' white man.
"It's no laughin' matther, I tell ye. A subjick race is on'y funny whin
it's raaly subjick. About three years ago I stopped laughin' at
Jap'nese jokes. Ye have to feel supeeryor to laugh an' I'm gettin' over
that feelin'. An' nawthin' makes a man so mad an' so scared as whin
something he looked down on as infeeryor tur-rns on him. If a fellow man
hits him he hits him back. But if a dog bites him he yells 'mad dog' an'
him an' th' neighbors pound th' dog to pieces with clubs. If th' naygurs
down South iver got together an' flew at their masters ye'd hear no more
coon songs f'r awhile. It's our conceit makes us supeeryor. Take it out
iv us an' we ar-re about th' same as th' rest."
"I wondher what we'd do if all thim infeeryor races shud come at us
together?" said Mr. Hennessy. "They're enough iv thim to swamp us."
"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "I'd have to go on bein' white or, to speak
more acc'rately, pink. An' annyhow I guess they've been infeeryor too
long to change. It's got to be a habit with thim."
PANICS
"Have ye taken ye'er money out iv th' bank? Are ye wan iv thim impechuse
prooletaryans that has been attackin' th' Gibyraltars iv fi-nance,
cow'rd that ye are to want ye'er money in a hurry, or are ye not? I see
be th' look iv ye'er face that ye are not. Ye have been a brave man; ye
have had faith in th' future iv our counthry; ye have perceived that our
financial institutions are sound if they are nawthin' else. Ye
undherstand that it's upon th' self-resthraint iv men like th' likes iv
ye that th' whole credit iv th' nation depinds. I read it in the
pa-apers an' 'tis thrue. Besides, ye have no money in th' bank. Th' on'y
way ye or me cud rightly exthricate anny money fr'm a bank wud be be
means iv a brace an' bit.
"No matther. 'Tis you that has done it. I give great credit to George B.
Cortilyoo, J. Pierpont Morgan, Lord Rothschild, Jawn D. Rockyfellar,
th' banks iv Ameriky, th' clearing house comity, th' clearing out
comity, an' all th' brave an' gallant fellows that have stood firmly
with their backs to th' wall an' declared that anny money taken out iv
their institutions wud be taken over their dead bodies. They have
behaved as American gintlemen shud behave whin foorce iv circumstances
compels thim to behave that way. But if, in this tur-rible imergency I
am obliged to tell th' truth, I've got to confess to ye that th' thanks
iv th' nation, a little bit late, but very corjal, are due to th' boys
that niver had a cent in th' banks, an' niver will have. They have
disturbed none iv our institutions. No great leader iv fi-nance has
turned green to see wan iv thim thryin' to do th' leap f'r life through
a closed payin' teller's window. Th' fellow that with wan whack iv a
hammer can convart a steer into an autymobill or can mannyfacther a
pearl necklace out iv two dollars' worth iv wurruk on a slag pile, has
throubled no wan. Ye're th' boy in this imergency, Hinnissy. Th' other
mornin' I was readin' th' pa-apers about th' panic in Wall Sthreet an'
though I've niver seen annything all me life but wan continyal panic I
felt low in me mind ontil I looked up an' see ye go by with ye'er shovel
on ye'er shouldher an' me heart leaped up. I wanted to rush to th'
tillygraft office and wire me frind J. Pierpont Morgan: 'Don't be
downcast. It's all right. I just see Hinnissy go by with his shovel.'
"No, sir, ye can bet it ain't th' people that have no money that causes
panics. Panics are th' result iv too manny people havin' money. Th' top
iv good times is hard times and th' bottom iv hard times is good times.
Whin I see wan man with a shovel on his shouldher dodgin' eight thousand
autymobills I begin to think 'tis time to put me money in me boot."
"'Tis hard f'r me to undherstand what's goin' on," said Mr. Hennessy.
"What does it all mean?"
"'Tis something ye wudden't be ixpected to know, said Mr. Dooley. 'Tis
what is known as credit. I'll explain it to ye. F'r the sake iv
argymint well say ye're a shoemaker. Oh, 'tis on'y f'r th' sake iv
argymint. Iverywan knows that a burly fellow like you wudden't be at
anny employmint as light an' effiminate as makin' shoes. But supposin'
fr th' sake iv argymint ye're a shoemaker. Ye get two dollars a day f'r
makin' forty dollars' worth iv shoes. Ye take part of ye'er ill-gotten
gains an' leave it with me f'r dhrink. Afther awhile, I take th' money
over to th' shoe store an' buy wan iv th' pairs iv shoes ye made. Th'
fellow at th' shoe store puts th' money in a bank owned be ye'er boss.
Ye'er boss sees ye're dhrinkin' a good deal an' be th' look iv things
th' distillery business ought to improve. So he lends th' money to a
distiller. Wan day th' banker obsarves that ye've taken th' pledge, an'
havin' fears f'r th' distilling business, he gets his money back. I owe
th' distiller money an' he comes to me. I have paid out me money f'r th'
shoes an' th' shoe-store man has put it in th' bank. He goes over to th'
bank to get it out an' has his fingers cut off in a window. An' there
ye are. That's credit.
"I niver knew befure how little it depinded on. There's Grogan th'
banker. He's a great man. Look at his bank. It looks as though an
earthquake wudden't flutter it. It's a cross between an armory an' a
jail. It frowns down upon th' sthreet. An' Grogan. He looks as solid as
though th' columns iv th' building was quarried out iv him. See him with
his goold watch chain clankin' again th' pearl buttons iv his vest. He
niver give me much more thin a nod out iv th' north-east corner iv his
left eyebrow, but he was always very kind an' polite to Mulligan, th'
little tailor. Except that I thought he had a feelin' iv respect f'r me
an' none at all f'r Mulligan. Th' other mornin' I see him standin' on a
corner near th' bank as Mulligan dashed by with a copy iv his fav'rite
journal in wan hand an' a pass book in th' other. 'That man is a
coward,' says Mulligan. 'Tis th' likes iv him that desthroys public
confidence,' says he. 'He must've been brave at wan peeryod iv his
life,' says I. 'Whin was that?' says he. 'Whin he put th' money in,'
says I. 'It's th' likes iv him that makes panics,' says he. 'It's th'
likes iv both iv ye,' says I. 'I niver see such team wurruk,' says I.
'That bank is a perfectly solvint institution,' says he. 'It's as
sthrong as th' rock of Gibyraltar. I'm goin' over now to close it up,'
says he. An' he wint.
"Well, glory be, 'tis no use botherin' our heads about it. Panics an'
circuses, as Father Kelly says, are f'r th' amusement iv th' poor. An' a
time iv this kind is fine f'r ivrybody who hasn't too much. A little
while ago ye niver r-read in th' pa-aper annything about th' fellow that
had his money in th' bank anny more thin ye'd read about th' spectators
at a prize fight. 'Twas all what th' joynts iv fi-nance were doin'.
'Who's that man with th' plug hat just comin' out iv th' gamblin'
joint?' 'That's th' prisidint iv th' Eighth Rational.' 'An' who's that
shakin' dice at th' bar?' 'That's th' head iv our greatest thrust
comp'ny.' An' so it wint. To-day I read in th' pa-apers an appeal to
th' good sense iv Mulligan, th' tailor. It didn't mintion his name, but
it might just as well. 'Twas th' same as sayin': 'Now, look here,
Mulligan, me brave fellow. 'Tis up to you to settle this whole matther.
It's got beyond us and we rely on ye not to dump us. We lost our heads
but a man iv ye'er carackter can't afford to do annything rash or
on-thinkin' like a lot iv excitable fi-nanceers. Ye must get undher th'
situation at wanst. We appeal to th' good common sense th' pathritism,
th' honor, th' manly courage an' th' ca-mness in th' face iv great
danger iv Timothy Mulligan to pull us out iv th' hole. Regards to Mrs.
Mulligan an' all th' little wans. Don't answer in person (signed) Jawn
D. Rockyfellar.'
"An' iv coorse Mulligan'll do it. Mulligan caused th' throuble be havin'
money in th' first place an' takin' it out in th' second place. Mulligan
will settle it all be carryin' his money back to th' bank where money
belongs. Don't get excited about it, Hinnissy, me boy. Cheer up.
'Twill be all right tomorrah, or th' next day, or some time. 'Tis wan
good thing about this here wurruld, that nawthin' lasts long enough to
hurt. I have been through manny a panic. I cud handle wan as well as
Morgan. Panics cause thimsilves an' take care iv thimsilves. Who do I
blame for this wan? Grogan blamed Rosenfelt yesterday; to-day he blames
Mulligan; to-morrah he won't blame anny wan an' thin th' panic will be
over. I blame no wan, an' I blame ivry wan. All I say to ye is, be
brave, be ca'm an' go on shovellin'. So long as there's a Hinnissy in
th' wurruld, an' he has a shovel, an' there's something f'r him to
shovel, we'll be all right, or pretty near all right.
"Don't ye think Rosenfelt has shaken public confidence?" asked Mr.
Hennessy.
"Shaken it," said Mr. Dooley; "I think he give it a good kick just as it
jumped off th' roof."
OCEAN TRAVEL
"I see this here new steamboat has broke all records. It come acrost th'
Atlantic Ocean in four days. Passengers that got aboord at Liverpool on
Saturday were in New York Friday afthernoon."
"But that's more thin four days."
"Not be nautical time, said Mr. Dooley. Ye mustn't figure it out th'
way ye do on land. On land ye niver read that 'Th' Thunderbolt limited
has broken all records be thravellin' fr'm New York (Harrisburg) to
Chicago (Fort Wayne) in eight hours.' But with a steamboat 'tis
different. Ye saw a lot iv time off ayether end an' what's left is th'
v'yage. 'Th' Conyard line's gr-reat ocean greyhound or levithin iv th'
seas has broken all records iv transatlantic passages except thim made
be th' Germans. She has thravelled fr'm Liverpool (a rock so far off th'
coast iv Ireland that I niver see it) to New York (Sandy Hook
lightship) in four or five days. Brittanya again rules th' waves.' So if
ye've anny frinds inclined to boast about makin' a record ask thim did
they swim aboord at Daunt's Rock an' swim off at th' lightship. If they
didn't, refuse to take off ye'er hat to thim. To tell how long it takes
to cross th' Atlantic compute th' elapsed time fr'm boordin' house to
boordin' house. It's fr'm a week to ten days depindin on th' time ye go
to bed whin ye come home. Manny a man that come over on a five-day boat
has had th' divvle iv a time explainin' to his wife what he did with th'
other two days. No record iv thransatlantic thravel takes into account
th' longest, roughest an' most dangerous part iv th' passage, which is
through th' New York custom house.
"But 'tis wondherful annyhow. 'Tis wondherful that a man shud cross th'
Atlantic ocean annyhow an' 'tis enough to make ye dizzy to think iv him
crossin' it in an iron boat that looks like a row iv office buildings.
Th' grand times they must've had. Time was whin a man got on a boat an'
was lost f'r a week or ten days. Now, be hivens, through th' wondhers iv
modhern science he's hardly settled down to a cigar an' a game iv
pinochle with another fugitive that he's just met, whin a messenger boy
comes down th' deck on his bicycle an' hands him a tillygram with glad
tidings fr'm home. Th' house is burned, th' sheriff has levied on his
furniture or th' fam'ly are down with th' whoopin' cough. On th' other
hand we know all about what they are doin' on boord th' levithin. Just
as ye'er wife is thinkin' iv ye bein' wrecked on a desert island or
floatin' on a raft an' signallin' with an undershirt she picks up th'
pa-aper an' reads: 'Th' life iv th' ship is Malachi Hinnissy, a wealthy
bachelor fr'm Pittsburg. His attintions to a widow from Omaha are most
marked. They make a handsome couple.'
"Well, sir, they must 've had th' gloryus time on boord this new boat.
In th' old days all ye knew about a ship was that she left Liverpool
and landed in New York afther a most disthressin' v'yage. Now ye r-read
iv th' gay life aboord her fr'm day to day: 'Th' tie in th' billyard
tournymint was played off last night. Th' resthrants are crowded nightly
an' great throngs are seen in Main Sthreet undher th' brilliant
illuminations. Th' public gardens are in full bloom an' are much
frequented be childher rollin' hoops and sailin' boats in th' artificial
lake. Th' autymobill speedway gives gr-reat satisfaction. Th' opening
day iv th' steeplechase races was a success. Th' ilivator in th' left
annex fell thirteen stories Thursday, but no wan was injured. Th'
brokerage house iv Conem an' Comp'ny wint into th' hands iv a receiver
to-day. Th' failure was due to th' refusal iv th' banks to lend anny
more money on hat pools. Th' steeple iv th' Swedenborjan Church is
undher repair. Th' _Daily Fog Horn_ has put in three new color presses
an' will begin printin' a colored supplement Sunday next.' An' so it
goes. It ain't a boat at all. It's a city.
"At laste I thought it was but Hannigan that come over in it says it's
a boat. 'Ye must've had a grand time,' says I, 'in this floatin' palace,
atin' ye'er fill iv sumchuse food an' gazin' at th' beautifully jooled
ladies,' says I. 'Ah,' says I, 'th' wondhers iv science that cud put
together a conthrivance th' like iv that,' says I. 'It's a boat,' says
he. 'That's th' best I can say about it,' says he. 'Did ye not glide
noiselessly through th' wather?' says I? 'I did not,' says he. 'Divvle
th' glide. We bumped along pretty fast an' th' injines made noises like
injines an' th' ship creaked like anny ship.' 'An' wasn't th' food
fine?' 'It depinded on th' weather. There was plenty iv it on good days,
an' too much iv it on other days.' 'An' th' beautifully jooled ladies?'
'No wan knew whether th' ladies were beautifully jooled except th' lady
that searched thim at th' custom house.
"'Don't ye make a mistake, Dooley,' says he. 'A boat's a boat. That's
all it is. Annything ye can get at sea ye can get betther on land. A
millyonaire is made as comfortable on an ocean liner as a longshoreman
on earth an' ye can play that comparison all th' way down to th'
steerage. Whin I read about this here floatin' palace I says to mesilf:
I'll add a little money and go acrost in oryental luxury. Whin I got
aboord th' decks were crowded with happy people worryin' about their
baggage an' wondherin' already whether th' inspector in New York wud get
onto th' false bottom iv th' thrunks. I give th' old an' enfeebled
English gintleman that carried me satchel a piece iv silver. He touched
his cap to me an' says Cue. Cue is th' English f'r I thank ye
kindly in Irish. He carrid me bag downstairs in th' ship. We kept goin'
down an' down till we touched bottom, thin we rambled through long lanes
neatly decorated with steel girders till we come to a dent in th' keel.
That was me boodoor. At laste part iv it was. There were two handsome
berths in it an' I had th' top wan. Th' lower wan was already occypied
be a gintleman that had started to feel onaisy on th' way down f'm
London an' was now prepared f'r th' worst. I left him to his grief an'
wint up on th' roof iv th' ship.
"'It was a gay scene f'r th' boat had started. Long rows iv ladies were
stretched on invalid chairs with shawls over thim, pretindin' to read
an' takin' deep smells at little green bottles. Three or four hundherd
men had begun to walk around th' ship with their hands folded behind
thim. A poker game between four rale poker players an' a man that didn't
know th' game but had sharp finger-nails was already started in th'
smokin'-room. About that time I begun to have a quare sinsation. I
haven't been able to find out yet what it was. I must ask Dock O'Leary.
I wasn't sea-sick, mind ye. I'm a good sailor. But I had a funny feelin'
in me forehead between me eyes. It wasn't a headache exactly but a kind
iv a sthrange sinsation like I used to have whin I was a boy an' thried
to look cross-eyed. I suppose it was th' strong light. I didn't have
anny aversion to food. Not at all. But somehow I didn't like th' smell
iv food. It was disagreeable to me an' it seemed to make th' place in me
head worse. Sivral times I wint to th' dinin'-room intindin' to jine th'
jovyal comp'ny there but quit at th' dure. It was very sthrange. I don't
know how to account f'r it. Very few people were sea-sick on th' v'yage,
but sivral hundherd who were injyin' paddlin' a spoon in a cup iv beef
tea on deck spoke iv havin' th' same sinsation. I didn't speak iv it to
th' ship's doctor. I'd as lave carry me ailments to a harness maker as
to a ship's doctor. But there it was, an' fr'm me pint iv view it was
th' most important ivint iv th' passage.
"Next to that th' most excitin' thing was thryin' to find annybody that
wud take money fr'm me. It's a tur-rble awkward thing to have to force
money on an Englishman in a uniform like an admiral's an' talkin' with
an accent that manny iv th' finest people on th' deck were thryin' to
imitate, but I schooled mesilf to it. An' sthrange to say they niver
refused. They were even betther thin that. I was lavin' th' ship whin
th' fellow that pulled th' plug out iv th' other man's bath f'r me
touched me on th' shoulder. I turned an' see a frindly gleam in his eye
that made me wondher if he had a knife. I give him what they call five
bobs over there, which is wan dollar an' twinty cints iv our money. He
touched his cap an' says Cue. I was greatly moved. But it's done wan
thing f'r me. It's made me competint f'r anny office connected with th'
legal departmint iv a sthreet railway. Be hivens, I cud hand a piece iv
change to a judge iv th' supreem coort. I hear th' Conyard line has
passed a dividend. They ought to make a merger with th' head stoort,'
says he.
"An' there ye ar-re. A boat's a boat aven whin it looks like a hotel.
But it's wondherful annyhow. Whin ye come to think iv it 'tis wondherful
that anny man cud cross th' Atlantic in annything. Th' Atlantic Ocean is
a fine body iv wather, but it's a body iv wather just th' same. It
wasn't intinded to be thravelled on. Ye cud put ye'er foot through it
annywhere. It's sloppy goin' at best. Th' on'y time a human being can
float in it is afther he's dead. A man throws a horseshoe into it an'
th' horseshoe sinks. This makes him cross an' he builds a boat iv th'
same mateeryal as a millyon horseshoes, loads it up with machinery,
pushes it out on th' billows an' goes larkin' acrost thim as aisy as ye
plaze. If he didn't go over on a large steel skyscraper he'd take a dure
off its hinges an' go on that.