MARY. There's no bread, my good fellow.
WID. Coming. (_Aside._) D--n the bread.
(_Goes to a table at back, on which is a loaf of bread and rolls._)
MARY. What part of the fowl shall I send you, ma'amselle?
CHERI. The funny idea, Mr. Spraggs, if you please.
MARY. The funny idea! Well, I never!
CHERI. The merry thought, you know.
MARY. Oh, to be sure! Yes, the funny idea.
(_Cutting the fowl._)
WID. Bread.
(_Claps the loaf of bread on the dish before Mary White, who throws it
at him._)
MARY. Roll, stupid. Plates, waiter. (_Widgetts puts the roll under his
arm, and hands plates to Mary White._) Allow me to add a kidney. They
look beautiful.
CHERI. Thank you.
(_Mary White puts some fowl and a sausage on the plate, which she
gives to Widgetts for Mdlle. Cheri Bounce, and then helps herself._)
WID. (_Comes down with the plate in his hand._) How uncommon savoury
it smells. He's not looking.
(_Takes the kidney off the plate, and puts it in his pocket._)
MARY. Waiter. (_Widgetts lays the plate before Mdlle. Cheri Bounce._)
Open that champagne, waiter.
WID. (_Aside._) My champagne, too!
(_Opening a bottle of champagne._)
MARY. (_Helps Mdlle. Cheri Bounce._) I hope you liked your kidney.
CHERI. What kidney, Mr. Spraggs?
WID. (_Snatching the kidney out of his pocket, and putting it,
unperceived, on Mdlle. Cheri Bounce's plate._) Why, that kidney.
CHERI. Dear me, I didn't perceive it before.
(_Widgetts places champagne on the table._)
MARY. Celery, waiter. (_Widgetts goes to table at back for celery.
Mary White fills two glasses of champagne, and drinks with Mdlle.
Cheri Bounce. Widgetts returns with stalks of celery in his coat
pocket, and, without being perceived, takes the champagne bottle,
fills a glass for himself, comes down and drinks, R._) I say,
Ma'amselle, this is rare fun.
CHERI. Glorious!
MARY. I'll give you, the absent Widgetts.
CHERI. I've no objection to drink poor Widgetts' health, but I don't
at all wish for his company. He's such a particularly conceited fool.
WID. (_Aside, and scarcely able to restrain himself._) Do I look like
a fool? (_They drink. Widgetts comes to the table._) As the sole
surviving friend of Mr. Widgetts, will you allow me to say----
(_Presses the plate to his breast. Knock at door, L._)
MARY. Hold your tongue and open the door.
(_Mary White and Ma'amselle Cheri Bounce rise._)
CHERI. Perhaps 'tis Widgetts.
WID. No, it isn't. Widgetts is--elsewhere.
(_Knocking at door, L._)
BROWN. (_Outside door._) Open the door. I must come in.
CHERI. Heavens! That's Brown's voice. If he finds me here I shall be
ruined.
(_Alarmed._)
WID. Don't let him in.
(_Runs to door, L._)
CHERI. Where on earth can I conceal myself? Ah, here! (_Throws open
folding doors. Widgetts stands transfixed with terror; Mdlle. Cheri
Bounce screams in a state of dreadful alarm._) Oh, oh, oh! There's a
woman drowned in the water-butt.
MARY. 'Tis Mary White, the laundress. Widgetts murdered her.
WID. I'll be d----d if he did!
MARY. Never mind, he'll be hanged for it all the same.
[_Exit through folding-doors which she closes after her._
WID. Widgetts hanged! You might as well hang me.
CHERI. Good heavens! What a horrid place I've got into. (_Knocking at
door, L., Brown outside calling_ "Let me in! Open the door.") Oh, that
Brown will make another victim of _me!_
(_Runs into chamber, R._)
_Enter BROWN, L._
BROWN. Where is she? Where's Mademoiselle Cheri Bounce? I know she's
here.
WID. I beg your pardon, she left here half an hour ago! I called the
cab for her myself--a patent hansom, No. 749.
BROWN. Where's Widgetts, then? Where's the villain Widgetts, the
destroyer of my happiness?
WID. My good fellow, don't be outrageous! Mr. Widgetts is
unfortunately absent--he's gone to close the eyes of a dying uncle,
and won't be back to-night.
_Enter TWILL, L._
TWILL. Oh, please, sir, they wouldn't admit the order at the Adelphi!
(_Sees Widgetts and bursts into a fit of laughter._) Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Why surely this ain't Guy Faux day, Mr. Widgetts?
BROWN. Widgetts!
CHERI. (_At door, R._) Widgetts?
(_Retires._)
TWILL. Of course! That's Mr. Widgetts, my master; I'll never deny him.
WID. (_Aside._) Then I've nothing for it but a bolt--out of my bedroom
window.
(_Rushes into chamber, R.; Mdlle. Cheri Bounce screams inside.
Widgetts rushes out again followed by Mdlle. Cheri Bounce beating him
with her umbrella._)
CHERI. Stop him! Don't let him escape! He has murdered a woman.
TWILL. Murdered a woman? Oh, the dirty blackguard, what a taste he
had.
(_Brown attempts to seize him, but Widgetts strikes his hat over his
eyes, runs round the table, and runs to door, L., against which Twill
has placed his back._)
TWILL. (_In a boxing attitude._) No, you don't.
(_Brown now collars him, and Cheri Bounce beats him with her
umbrella._)
BROWN. Ha, have I got you at last--(_shaking him_)--villain!
WID. Help! Murder! Police! Help!
TWILL. (_Dancing at door, L._) Police! Here's an illigant row. Go it,
little one--fire away, umbrella! She don't lay it into him at all.
WID. Stop, stop, stop! Spare the remnant of an injured tailor's life.
You think I cut off Mary White's thread; but I didn't! The horrid act
was her own deed. She got jealous of me, and mixed her proud spirit
with too much water. She'd tell you so herself, poor soul, if she
could.
MARY. (_Speaking inside folding doors in a solemn voice._) No, she
wouldn't.
WID. Angels and bannisters support me. (_Drops on his knees. Mdlle.
Cheri Bounce throws herself into the arms of Brown. General
consternation._) 'Tis her voice--her ghost is come back to walk the
earth in them green boots. Injured shade, speak for me, if ghosts have
parts of speech, and tell them I'm innocent.
MARY. (_Inside._) You caused my death by your falsity.
WID. O-oh! I know it; but sooner than you should have made an object
of yourself, I'd have married you ten times over.
MARY. (_Inside._) And would you marry me now, if I was living?
WID. I would--to-morrow morning.
MARY. (_Runs out._) Then, Whittington, I'm your loving Mary again.
WID. (_Jumps up and tries to avoid her, she follows him._) Hollo!
No--keep off. (_She embraces him._) Hey! Bless me, you're neither damp
or dead; on the contrary you're remarkably warm and lively. But, are
you sure you're not a water nymph, and that you have not got private
apartments in the Thames or the New River?
MARY. No, Widgy; don't be afraid, 'twas only a trick of mine, to
plague you for your inconstancy. (_Pointing to water butt._) She's not
_me_, but the dummy figure, dressed up in some of my clothes.
WID. Ah, I've been finely hoaxed! And where's the detective policeman,
that eat my lobster, and drank my wine?
MARY. Why, of course, he's here.
(_Points to herself._)
WID. Oh, you villain! But what's to be done with Brown?
(_Brown and Mdlle. Cheri Bounce, who have been conversing at the back,
during the later part of the dialogue, come down._)
BROWN. Ask Ma'amselle here, for she's consented to be Mrs. Brown, next
Monday, and as for this little affair of the supper I was in the plot
with Mary.
WID. I hope you were not in the water-butt with her; but, never mind,
I don't want any further explanation. I've had my lesson--(_to
Audience_)--and I hope you have all profited by it. Now, if there's
any single, good-looking young fellow here, wants a bit of advice.
Eh--there's my friend, Smith. Smith, my dear boy, when you invite a
female friend to a quiet bit of supper, mind there's no water-butt on
the premises; and I mention this confidentially to all you bachelors,
if your laundress is young and pretty, you had better pay your washing
bills regularly; and don't, like me, get yourself into a scrape, by
not knowing "How to Settle Accounts with Your Laundress."
_Disposition of the Characters at the Fall of the Curtain._
CHERI BOUNCE. BROWN. MARY W. WIDGETTS. TWILL.
R. L.