FIFTH WEEK--DIFFICULTIES--HINTS--BOODELS' SECRET--ARRIVAL OF JIMMY
LAYDER--A CHANGE--PRACTICAL JOKES--PLAYING THE FOOL--DRESSING UP--
MORE JOKES--CHEMICAL LECTURE--EXPERIMENTS--RESULTS--OPEN WINDOWS--
COLDS--DEPARTURES--SMALL BY DEGREES--BEAUTIFULLY LESS--THE SHILLING
AND THE TUMBLER--BOODELS' LAST--TWO'S COMPANY--CONCLUSION.
_Note._ Fifth week of our being here.
Very happy generally, Miss Medford remarkably nice. Misses Adelaide and
Bella are always out with Cazell, Milburd and Chilvern. We've given
Jenkyns Soames several hints to go. He won't.
If I wasn't President--I should like to--but Byrton's always out with
Miss Medford. I wonder that a girl with brains, as she evidently has,
can be taken by a fellow, who really seems to think of nothing but
riding, driving, and--
"_Her_," says Boodels, to whom I utter secretly my complaint. I admit
the truth of this. Boodels informs me that he's going to be married. I
congratulate him. When? When his house is done up. Do I know the lady?
Yes. Anyone here?--Ah, he won't say, and begs me to consider this
communication strictly confidential.
Jimmy Layder is becoming a nuisance. He is perpetually practically
joking. Once and away it's very good fun--when he performs on somebody
else, not me. He comes down-stairs quietly (this is one of his favourite
tricks--so stupid, too!) and slaps you on the back suddenly, immediately
afterwards begging your pardon, and explaining that he mistook you for
somebody else.
Then the second day he was here, he changed all the boots. The third day
I could not find a single thing in its place when I went to dress in a
hurry. On my complaining to him, he pretends to be the Clown in the
Pantomime (whom he emulates in everything--and really, most dangerously,
with a genuine hot poker--so childish, and worse), and putting his hand
on his heart he declares "on his honour he didn't do it." I know, that,
when I turn, he sets them all (Miss Medford, too) laughing by making
some grotesque face, and, if I face about suddenly, he is staring at
nothing on the ceiling, or pretending to catch a fly. He puts oranges
in boots, spoons and corkscrews in people's pockets--generally mine--and
has an irritating trick of calling out "Hi!" and beckoning; then, when
you come, he asks you what you want?
_Happy Thought._--To speak to him quietly, alone. He listens. He owns
that his exuberance of animal spirits often leads him away. [Happy
Thought.--Wish they'd take him away altogether.] He says he thinks it's
owing to the bracing air; adding, that I take a joke so well, he is sure
I shan't be angry. I tell him that I don't speak _on my own account_,
but for the sake of others. He promises he will be quiet and serious.
At night he keeps his word by coming down dressed like the proverbial
methodist Mawworm. An enormous white tie, doubled. His hair combed sadly
straight. A high black waistcoat, his trousers shortened, white
stockings and shoes.
They encourage him by laughing. He addresses everyone as "My Christian
Brother," or "Sister," and informs them that the Head of the
Establishment has requested him to be serious.
He insists upon a serious evening, and tells us that Mr. Jenkyns Soames
has consented to give a Chemical Lecture "with," he adds impressively,
"experiments."
It appears that Layder and Milburd have undertaken to assist the
Professor.
After dinner, Layder announces that he has an entertainment to commence
with. He takes me on one side. We go into the library, which he has
prepared as a sort of dressing-room.
_Happy Thought._--Humour him, and then he'll play practical jokes on
somebody else--not me.
He says, "Look here, you and I will dress up, and be the lecturer's
servants." Very harmless and funny, seeing that the dresses (which he
has brought with him) are a mantle spangled, two or three pairs of
tights and Cavalier boots, and a cocked hat. He says he's got a charade,
and Milburd will dress up too, and we'll have it before the Lecture.
He offers to do my face for me; and does it at once with burnt cork, red
and white.
Then he goes to dress.
I am alone. It is a good idea enlisting under, as it were, his banner,
then he won't annoy _me_. The fire's out here, and changing my dress at
this time has made me cold.
_Meditations by myself when in a costume something between a naval
officer, a Spanish grandee, and Richard the Third._--What _can_ be the
fun of dressing up? It is so much more comfortable in your own things.
And a charade's a bore. At least, it bores the audience, I'm sure. And
if there are people acting who say all sorts of nonsense, and do
anything, there's no art in it... Nine o'clock. I wish he'd brought a
longer candle, and would be quicker in dressing. He's gone to his own
room, perhaps, to dress, or is arranging the performance........ It's a
melancholy thing to be in these clothes. I wonder if they were made for
some great actor, or whether they were once the real thing? No, that's
impossible..... I wish Miss Medford was going to take a part--perhaps
she is.... unless that's her touch on the piano. The overture
probably..... It's so cold in here, I must walk about..... The candle is
burning down.
_Happy Thought._--Ring and ask for another candle, and for Mr. Layder.
Maid servant enters ... gives a shriek and a start, and then--poor
girl!.... faints.
There is no water at hand....
I don't like to touch her.
I've got an idea that people in that state bite, scratch, and kick, if
touched.
_Happy Thought._--Let ill alone.
I ring violently.
Enter Butler. Fortunately Madame Regniati's maid passes, with salts.
The girl recovers consciousness. She revives and says I frightened her.
I ask the butler to look for Mr. Layder.
Butler thinks they're all in the theatre-room hearing some lecture. 10
o'clock.
I wait a quarter of an hour.
It's too bad. I'll take these stupid things off.
Enter Boodels. "Hallo!" he cries. "What on earth are you got up like
this for?"
I say, testily, "I don't know."
Boodels continues. "Miss Cherton's maid 's been complaining, and says
you've been playing tricks on her. Come! _Do_ take off those things."
_Do!_ I don't want pressing. I have been for an hour and a half dressed
up here, with my face painted like a Red Indian, and as cold as ice.
Layder enters. "Oh, my dear fellow, a thousand pardons. I quite forgot
you were here; and we suddenly--I mean the ladies, suddenly altered the
programme and wanted me to sing and do some nonsense, so I could not
refuse."
_Happy Thought._--(I'll vote against his invitation being renewed after
this week). Say nothing.
I find that Jenkyns Soames, induced to put on a sort of Conjuror's
dress, has been waiting to deliver his lecture the same time that I
have; he is equally cold, but not cross, as he anticipates being a means
of instruction to the party.
[Illustration]
Milburd and Layder have arranged the Professor's glass bottles, glass
jars, retorts, and all the other articles requisite for a Chemical
Lecture.
He informs us, that, owing to his friend Mr. Layder's kindness, and to
the accident of his having brought with him a few chemicals, he (the
Professor) will be enabled to give us an amusing and instructive
discourse.
"With experiments," adds Layder gravely, from his seat.
_Happy Thought._--Get as far away from the lecturer as possible. Near
the door.
The ladies being nervous, are re-assured by Milburd and Layder, who say
(in answer to Madame Regniati,) that, "there is to be no firing," and
further, that "there is no experiment on the table which can _hurt the
audience_." This latter observation is added _sotto voce_, and is
evidently not intended for the Professor's ears.
Jenkyns Soames commences he says with Hydrogen. (_Hear! hear!_ from
Milburd and Layder.)
"Hydrogen," he goes on, "is a most powerful refractor."
"O my Jo!" exclaims the Signor in the front row, which he evidently
thinks is too near. "It vill go off, and 'urt some-bod-dy."
The Professor informs him, that Hydrogen mixed with Atmospheric air, in
the proportion of two to five, will explode; but he does not mean to
exhibit this peculiarity of Hydrogen. He shows us how the lime-light is
obtained, and requests that the room may be darkened. Milburd and
Layder, turn down the gas, and remove the candles.
This is done too suddenly for the Professor, who has some trouble in
finding the right materials in the dark.
At last he has them. "I will now," he says, "show you the lime-light. A
light of such steadiness and intensity, that it appears to us quite
blinding in its power."
The immediate result is a fizz, a spark, and then we are in total
darkness once more. The Professor tries again, another fizz, no spark.
Madame Regniati begs that the lights may be restored, and asks him to
try something else.
Apologising for the lime-light (I see Milburd and Layder exchanging
winks). The Professor passes on to Oxygen.
He shows us a jar of Oxygen. Experiments with an incandescent piece of
wood. (_Applause._)
Another with phosphorus, and another with charcoal. (_Great applause,
and nothing having happened, we feel ourselves in comparative safety.
Madame observes, that she doesn't like anybody playing with fire._)
His next theme is "Inexplosive Gases."
_Professor._--I will now proceed to mix two colourless bodies which,
explosive in themselves, neutralize each other's qualities on
combination. You will observe that the same process is used in pouring
one gas out of one jar into another, as in pouring water, and it is
equally harmless. Here, for instance, is an empty jar, and here is a
glass jar full of water. I wish to pour the water from the glass jar
into the earthen one. (_Hear, hear!_ from Milburd.) I proceed to do so,
and can assure you that the experiment with the gases, is not more
harmless and simple than this, with the water.
He pours the water out of the glass jar into the earthenware one. In one
second follows a series of sharp reports from inside the jar, which
seems suddenly to have become filled with highly combustible crackers.
The Professor drops the jar as if he had burnt his fingers, and the
cracking and popping go on inside. Ladies rise frightened. Layder
suddenly addresses them:
"There's no sort of danger," he says; "the jar won't burst. I dropped an
explosive pellet into it some time ago, and it hasn't been taken out,
that's all. The explosive pellets," he adds, modestly, "are my own
invention, and chemically prepared, only to burn in water."
The cracking has ceased. Layder goes out, ostensibly to see if he can
procure another jar.
In his absence the ladies observe that the 'cracking thing,' whatever it
was, has left a nasty smell in the room.
The Professor, with a smile, thinks that he can obviate this
unpleasantness. He has come across a fluid among the chemicals labelled
"_Parfum du Paradis_." The direction upon it is simply, "_Pour it out
into a saucer, and everyone will be delighted at the refreshing and
delicious odour which will instantaneously pervade even the largest
apartment._"
The Professor, after uncorking and putting his nose to it, pronounces
his opinion that the liquid is inodorous, and must have been kept too
long in bottle.
"However," says he, "I will follow the direction."
Forthwith he pours it out.
The next minute we are all cramming our handkerchiefs to our faces, and
making for the door.
"Open the windows!" cries Medford, in a fit of coughing.
"O my"--cough--"Jo!" exclaims the Signor. "I shall be,"--cough and
sneeze, "so ill,"--cough, "eet ees in my nose."
[Illustration: "BUST UP."]
As for the Professor, being just over the horrible compound, he has
nearly fainted.
* * * * *
The room is cleared.
Servants sent to open windows. Sneezing, coughing, and a suffocating,
nauseating sensation, experienced by everyone except Layder, who now
enters the drawing-room with a jar.
_Happy Thought._--To speak with an air of authority as President, and
tell him that it is really too bad of him to carry such a liquid about.
He exculpates himself by saying that the Professor didn't know how to
use it, and that he oughtn't to have taken the things out of his
Practical Joke Box.
"His _what_ box?" we ask.
"My practical joke box," he replies, quite calmly. "I've got a box full
of practical jokes in chemicals. They're very amusing," he adds, "if
used properly."
The horrid smell is gradually spreading itself throughout the lower part
of the house. It is stealing into the drawing-room, it is getting into
the morning-room, into the hall, into the passages.
"You can't get rid of it," Layder informs us, "for two or three days.
But it's first-rate for killing all insects."
There is, we find, only one room in the house which the nuisance has not
reached. The smoking-room. Here we all congregate. Everybody glum.
Windows all over the place open.
* * * * *
Next morning.
_Happy Thought._--Layder gone. Early.
He leaves us a note bequeathing us his box of Practical Jokes, and a
paper of 'directions for use,' with 'hints for further practical jokes,
being jottings for a manual with a practical joke for every day in the
year.'
In consequence of the draughts last night, everyone has caught violent
colds.
The Chertons won't leave their room. Madame Regniati doesn't come down
until dinner. Mr. and Mrs. Frimmely pretend to have received a telegram,
and say they must go to-morrow. Miss Medford accompanies them; her
brother stays.
The Signor suddenly remembers that he must proceed to his leet-tel
shoot-box at Bodge-bee.
Jenkyns Soames writes me a letter from his bedroom, commencing "Sir,"
and, considering himself insulted, leaves without saying good-bye to
anybody.
* * * * *
Committee meeting. Complaints. Examination of accounts. Row in
consequence. Amount divided into shares. Chilvern says he's sorry he's
left his cheque-book in town.
_Happy Thought._--Write it on a piece of paper or telegraph for it.
Chilvern genially says he's going up to town to-morrow, and will get it
then. Will I pay for him now?
Cazell says to me, "I tell you what you ought to do as President. You
ought to draw one cheque for the whole expenses, and we'll pay you back.
That's the most simple way of doing it."
Put to the vote and the plan carried, with a minority of one (myself).
* * * * *
The party gradually broken up. This evening Adelaide Cherton and Madame
appear with apologies for leaving us soon after dinner. The smell not
nearly evaporated. Byrton and Milburd are gone to join the Signor for
some sport. Medford offers to show us his trick with a shilling, and
Milburd, being asked to sing, refuses. Boodels (who is melancholy, and
in love), asks Medford to play a tune, but Medford says he'd rather not,
because nobody will attend to his trick with a shilling, whereupon
Chilvern sits down to what he calls "try something" on the piano. What
he _does_ try is our temper. Gradually we leave the room and meet to
smoke.
* * * * *
_Next Morning._ Violent cold.
_Happy Thought._--Stay in bed.
When I come down-stairs at one o'clock, I notice the desolate appearance
of the Hall. Hats, coats, rugs, sticks and whips, all gone. Nothing
lying about. Letters on table--"Sorry you are not up--spent a very
pleasant time, &c," from Madame and the Chertons, with whom have also
departed Chilvern and Cazell.
The only three in the house are Boodels, Medford, and myself.
I say, genially, "Well, a little quiet will be pleasant."
Boodels replies, "Yes," and adds that he's going off this afternoon. I
press him to stay. He won't, because, as he tells me privately, that
fellow Medford is so confoundedly insulting. They've had a row.
Boodels _will_ go. He promises to write to me about his going to be
married. At present I'm not to mention it. He takes the butler and cook
with him. He says he's very sorry but he'll want them at home now.
The housemaid and charwoman officiate.
No other servants in the house.
Medford and I dine alone.
Somebody's taken the keys away by mistake, and we have to break into the
cellar to get out the wine. Very little left.
As host or president, I must stop and attend to Medford who is our
guest.
After dinner he says, "You heard me talking to Cazell about the shilling
and the glass." I did. I know what's coming, "It's a capital trick," he
goes on; "I'll show it you. Look here." He shows it me. I am not at all
interested. He offers to teach it me. Declined with thanks. He then
explains it to me.
_Happy Thought._--Having done all this once, he'll never try it again
with me.
Getting comfortable in the smoking-room. We commence talking over all
our friends. The difficulty appears to consist in finding any good
qualities in them. Medford depreciates everybody, specially if they can
do anything in music or theatricals. Getting more comfortable and
confidential, I tell Medford that Boodels is going to be married, but
doesn't want anyone to know it just yet. Medford says, "Pooh! Boodels is
an ass." Subject dropped.
_Last Morning._--Charwoman and housemaid hearing that I am going away
with Medford, say they can't live alone in this big place. They'd be
frightened.
_Happy Thought._--Opportunity to get rid of them. Do it. Send for old
woman and her husband to keep house while we're all away. Intend to
return in the spring, if the others agree, if not we shall sell or let
HAPPY-THOUGHT HALL.
[Illustration: _HAPPY THOUGHT._--RIGHT THROUGH THE BOOK.]
[ Transcriber's Note:
The following is a list of corrections made to the original. The first
line is the original line, the second the corrected one.
("Impossible," interrupts Milburn, _sotto voce_. Our Philosophic
("Impossible," interrupts Milburd, _sotto voce_. Our Philosophic
when ..." "Yes," says Miss Bella, who quite undertands. (_Myself
when ..." "Yes," says Miss Bella, who quite understands. (_Myself
[Illustration: "HOW DO YOU LIKE MY FIZZ]
[Illustration: "HOW DO YOU LIKE MY FIZZ"]
"Yes," says she, "that's very probable." But when Mr. Jenkyns _went
"Yes," says she, "that's very probable. But when Mr. Jenkyns _went
Again the Signor was in esctasies.
Again the Signor was in ecstasies.
Cox must go. I don't think I feel as well as I did
Cox must go. I don't think I feel as well as I did.
immensely pleased_. No! (_Diffidently._) It seemed to go very well.
immensely pleased_.) No! (_Diffidently._) It seemed to go very well.
You'll marry me,
"You'll marry me,
_Second Surprise._--To awake again. Later than you had had expected. Must
_Second Surprise._--To awake again. Later than you had expected. Must
]