And now, that my beloved seems secure in my net, for my project upon the
vixen Miss Howe, and upon her mother: in which the officious prancer
Hickman is to come in for a dash.
But why upon her mother, methinks thou askest, who, unknown to herself,
has only acted, by the impulse, through thy agent Joseph Leman, upon the
folly of old Tony the uncle?
No matter for that: she believes she acts upon her own judgment: and
deserves to be punished for pretending to judgment, when she has none.--
Every living soul, but myself, I can tell thee, shall be punished, that
treats either cruelly or disrespectfully so adored a lady.--What a
plague! is it not enough that she is teased and tormented in person by
me?
I have already broken the matter to our three confederates; as a
supposed, not a resolved-on case indeed. And yet they know, that with
me, in a piece of mischief, execution, with its swiftest feel, is seldom
three paces behind projection, which hardly ever limps neither.
MOWBRAY is not against it. It is a scheme, he says, worthy of us: and we
have not done any thing for a good while that has made a noise.
BELTON, indeed, hesitates a little, because matters go wrong between him
and his Thomasine; and the poor fellow has not the courage to have his
sore place probed to the bottom.
TOURVILLE has started a fresh game, and shrugs his shoulders, and should
not choose to go abroad at present, if I please. For I apprehend that
(from the nature of the project) there will be a kind of necessity to
travel, till all is blown over.
To ME, one country is as good as another; and I shall soon, I suppose,
choose to quit this paltry island; except the mistress of my fate will
consent to cohabit at home; and so lay me under no necessity of
surprising her into foreign parts. TRAVELLING, thou knowest, gives the
sexes charming opportunities of being familiar with one another. A very
few days and nights must now decide all matters betwixt me and my fair
inimitable.
DOLEMAN, who can act in these causes only as chamber-counsel, will inform
us by pen and ink [his right hand and right side having not yet been
struck, and the other side beginning to be sensible] of all that shall
occur in our absence.
As for THEE, we had rather have thy company than not; for, although thou
art a wretched fellow at contrivance, yet art thou intrepid at execution.
But as thy present engagements make thy attendance uncertain, I am not
for making thy part necessary to our scheme; but for leaving thee to come
after us when abroad. I know thou canst not long live without us.
The project, in short, is this:--Mrs. Howe has an elder sister in the
Isle of Wight, who is lately a widow; and I am well informed, that the
mother and daughter have engaged, before the latter is married, to pay a
visit to this lady, who is rich, and intends Miss for her heiress; and in
the interim will make her some valuable presents on her approaching
nuptials; which, as Mrs. Howe, who loves money more than any thing but
herself, told one of my acquaintance, would be worth fetching.
Now, Jack, nothing more need be done, than to hire a little trim vessel,
which shall sail a pleasuring backward and forward to Portsmouth, Spithead,
and the Isle of Wight, for a week or fortnight before we enter
upon our parts of the plot. And as Mrs. Howe will be for making the best
bargain she can for her passage, the master of the vessel may have orders
(as a perquisite allowed him by his owners) to take what she will give:
and the master's name, be it what it will, shall be Ganmore on the
occasion; for I know a rogue of that name, who is not obliged to be of
any country, any more than we.
Well, then, we will imagine them on board. I will be there in disguise.
They know not any of ye four--supposing (the scheme so inviting) that
thou canst be one.
'Tis plaguy hard, if we cannot find, or make a storm.
Perhaps they will be sea-sick: but whether they be or not, no doubt they
will keep their cabin.
Here will be Mrs. Howe, Miss Howe, Mr. Hickman, a maid, and a footman, I
suppose: and thus we will order it.
I know it will be hard weather: I know it will: and, before there can be
the least suspicion of the matter, we shall be in sight of Guernsey,
Jersey, Dieppe, Cherbourg, or any where on the French coast that it shall
please us to agree with the winds to blow us: and then, securing the
footman, and the women being separated, one of us, according to lots that
may be cast, shall overcome, either by persuasion or force, the maid
servant: that will be no hard task; and she is a likely wench, [I have
seen her often:] one, Mrs. Howe; nor can there be much difficulty there;
for she is full of health and life, and has been long a widow: another,
[that, says the princely lion, must be I!] the saucy daughter; who will
be much too frightened to make great resistance, [violent spirits, in
that sex, are seldom true spirits--'tis but where they can:] and after
beating about the coast for three or four days for recreation's sake, and
to make sure work, till we see our sullen birds begin to eat and sip, we
will set them all ashore where it will be most convenient; sell the
vessel, [to Mrs. Townsend's agents, with all my heart, or to some other
smugglers,] or give it to Ganmore; and pursue our travels, and tarry
abroad till all is hushed up.
Now I know thou wilt make difficulties, as it is thy way; while it is
mine to conquer them. My other vassals made theirs; and I condescended
to obviate them: as thus I will thine, first stating them for thee
according to what I know of thy phlegm.
What, in the first place, wilt thou ask, shall be done with Hickman? who
will be in full parade of dress and primness, in order to show the old
aunt what a devilish clever fellow of a nephew she is to have.
What!--I'll tell thee--Hickman, in good manners, will leave the women in
their cabin--and, to show his courage with his breeding, be upon deck--
Well, and suppose he is!--Why then I hope it is easy for Ganmore, or any
body else, myself suppose in my pea-jacket and great watch coat, (if any
other make scruple to do it), while he stands in the way, gaping and
staring like a novice, to stumble against him, and push him overboard!
--A rich thought--is it not, Belford?--He is certainly plaguy officious
in the ladies' correspondence; and I am informed, plays double between
mother and daughter, in fear of both.--Dost not see him, Jack?--I do--
popping up and down, his wig and hat floating by him; and paddling,
pawing, and dashing, like a frighted mongrel--I am afraid he never
ventured to learn to swim.
But thou wilt not drown the poor fellow; wilt thou?
No, no!--that is not necessary to the project--I hate to do mischiefs
supererogatory. The skiff shall be ready to save him, while the vessel
keeps its course: he shall be set on shore with the loss of wig and hat
only, and of half his little wits, at the place where he embarked, or any
where else.
Well, but shall we not be in danger of being hanged for three such
enormous rapes, although Hickman should escape with only a bellyful of
sea-water?
Yes, to be sure, when caught--But is there any likelihood of that?--
Besides, have we not been in danger before now for worse facts? and what
is there in being only in danger?--If we actually were to appear in open
day in England before matters are made up, there will be greater
likelihood that these women will not prosecute that they will.--For my
own part, I should wish they may. Would not a brave fellow choose to
appear in court to such an arraignment, confronting women who would do
credit to his attempt? The country is more merciful in these cases, than
in any others: I should therefore like to put myself upon my country.
Let me indulge in a few reflections upon what thou mayest think the worst
that can happen. I will suppose that thou art one of us; and that all
five are actually brought to trial on this occasion: how bravely shall we
enter a court, I at the head of you, dressed out each man, as if to his
wedding appearance!--You are sure of all the women, old and young, of
your side.--What brave fellows!--what fine gentlemen!--There goes a
charming handsome man!--meaning me, to be sure!--who could find in their
hearts to hang such a gentleman as that? whispers one lady, sitting
perhaps on the right hand of the recorder: [I suppose the scene to be in
London:] while another disbelieves that any woman could fairly swear
against me. All will crowd after me: it will be each man's happiness (if
ye shall chance to be bashful) to be neglected: I shall be found to be
the greatest criminal; and my safety, for which the general voice will be
engaged, will be yours.
But then comes the triumph of triumphs, that will make the accused look
up, while the accusers are covered with confusion.
Make room there!--stand by!--give back!--One receiving a rap, another an
elbow, half a score a push a piece!--