MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MISS HOWE
WEDNESDAY MORNING, MAY 17.
Mr. Lovelace would fain have engaged me last night. But as I was not
prepared to enter upon the subject of his proposals, (intending to
consider them maturely,) and was not highly pleased with his conclusion,
I desired to be excused seeing him till morning; and the rather, as there
is hardly any getting from him in tolerable time overnight.
Accordingly, about seven o'clock we met in the dining-room.
I find he was full of expectation that I should meet him with a very
favourable, who knows but with a thankful, aspect? and I immediately
found by his sullen countenance, that he was under no small
disappointment that I did not.
My dearest love, are you well? Why look you so solemn upon me? Will
your indifference never be over? If I have proposed terms in any respect
short of your expectation--
I told him, that he had very considerately mentioned my shewing his
proposals to Miss Howe; and as I should have a speedy opportunity to send
them to her by Collins, I desired to suspend any talk upon that subject
till I had her opinion upon them.
Good God!--If there was but the least loop-hole! the least room for
delay!--But he was writing a letter to Lord M. to give him an account of
his situation with me, and could not finish it so satisfactorily, either
to my Lord or to himself, as if I would condescend to say, whether the
terms he had proposed were acceptable, or not.
Thus far, I told him, I could say, that my principal point was peace and
reconciliation with my relations. As to other matters, the gentleness of
his own spirit would put him upon doing more for me than I should ask, or
expect. Wherefore, if all he had to write about was to know what Lord M.
would do on my account, he might spare himself the trouble, for that my
utmost wishes, as to myself, were much more easily gratified than he
perhaps imagined.
He asked me then, if I would so far permit him to touch upon the happy
day, as to request the presence of Lord M. on the occasion, and to be my
father?
Father had a sweet and venerable sound with it, I said. I should be glad
to have a father who would own me!
Was not this plain speaking, think you, my dear? Yet it rather, I must
own, appears so to me on reflection, than was designed freely at the
time. For I then, with a sigh from the bottom of my heart, thought of my
own father; bitterly regretting, that I am an outcast from him and from
my mother.
Mr. Lovelace I thought seemed a little affected at the manner of my
speaking, and perhaps at the sad reflection.
I am but a very young creature, Mr. Lovelace, said I, [and wiped my eyes
as I turned away my face,] although you have kindly, and in love to me,
introduced so much sorry to me already: so you must not wonder, that the
word father strikes so sensibly upon the heart of a child ever dutiful
till she knew you, and whose tender years still require the paternal
wing.
He turned towards the window--[rejoice with me, my dear, since I seem to
be devoted to him, that the man is not absolutely impenetrable!] His
emotion was visible; yet he endeavoured to suppress it. Approaching me
again; again he was obliged to turn from me; angelic something, he said:
but then, obtaining a heart more suitable to his wish, he once more
approached me.--For his own part, he said, as Lord M. was so subject to
gout, he was afraid, that the compliment he had just proposed to make
him, might, if made, occasion a larger suspension than he could bear to
think of; and if it did, it would vex him to the heart that he had made
it.
I could not say a single word to this, you know, my dear. But you will
guess at my thoughts of what he said--so much passionate love, lip-deep!
so prudent, and so dutifully patient at heart to a relation he had till
now so undutifully despised!--Why, why, am I thrown upon such a man,
thought I!
He hesitated, as if contending with himself; and after taking a turn or
two about the room, He was at a great loss what to determine upon, he
said, because he had not the honour of knowing when he was to be made the
happiest of men--Would to God it might that very instant be resolved
upon!
He stopped a moment or two, staring in his usual confident way, in my
downcast face, [Did I not, O my beloved friend, think you, want a father
or a mother just then?] But if he could not, so soon as he wished,
procure my consent to a day; in that case, he thought the compliment
might as well be made to Lord M. as not, [See, my dear!] since the
settlements might be drawn and engrossed in the intervenient time, which
would pacify his impatience, as no time would be lost.
You will suppose how I was affected by this speech, by repeating the
substance of what he said upon it; as follows.
But, by his soul, he knew not, so much was I upon the reserve, and so
much latent meaning did my eye import, whether, when he most hoped to
please me, he was not farthest from doing so. Would I vouchsafe to say,
whether I approved of his compliment to Lord M. or not?
To leave it to me, to choose whether the speedy day he ought to have
urged for with earnestness, should be accelerated or suspended!--Miss
Howe, thought I, at that moment, says, I must not run away from this man!
To be sure, Mr. Lovelace, if this matter be ever to be, it must be
agreeable to me to have the full approbation of one side, since I cannot
have that of the other.
If this matter be ever to be! Good God! what words are these at this
time of day! and full approbation of one side! Why that word
approbation? when the greatest pride of all my family is, that of having
the honour of so dear a creature for their relation? Would to heaven, my
dearest life, added he, that, without complimenting any body, to-morrow
might be the happiest day of my life!--What say you, my angel? with a
trembling impatience, that seemed not affected--What say you for
to-morrow?
It was likely, my dear, I could say much to it, or name another day, had
I been disposed to the latter, with such an hinted delay from him.