Most confoundedly alarmed!--Lord, Sir, what do you think? cried Dorcas
--My lady is resolved to go to church to-morrow! I was at quadrille with
the women below.--To church! said I, and down I laid my cards. To
church! repeated they, each looking upon the other. We had done playing
for that night.
Who could have dreamt of such a whim as this?--Without notice, without
questions! Her clothes not come! No leave asked!--Impossible she should
think of being my wife!--Besides, she don't consider, if she go to
church, I must go too!--Yet not to ask for my company! Her brother and
Singleton ready to snap her up, as far as she knows!--Known by her
clothes--her person, her features, so distinguished!--Not such another
woman in England!--To church of all places! Is the devil in the girl?
said I, as soon as I could speak.
Well, but to leave this subject till to-morrow morning, I will now give
you the instructions I have drawn up for your's and your companions'
behaviour on Monday night.
***
Instructions to be observed by John Belford, Richard Mowbray, Thomas
Belton, and James Tourville, Esquires of the Body to General Robert
Lovelace, on their admission to the presence of his Goddess.
Ye must be sure to let it sink deep into your heavy heads, that there is
no such lady in the world as Miss Clarissa Harlowe; and that she is
neither more nor less than Mrs. Lovelace, though at present, to my shame
be it spoken, a virgin.
Be mindful also, that your old mother's name, after that of her mother
when a maid, is Sinclair: that her husband was a lieutenant-colonel, and
all that you, Belford, know from honest Doleman's letter of her,* that
let your brethren know.
* See Letter XXXVIII. Vol. III.
Mowbray and Tourville, the two greatest blunderers of the four, I allow
to be acquainted with the widow and nieces, from the knowledge they had
of the colonel. They will not forbear familiarities of speech to the
mother, as of longer acquaintance than a day. So I have suited their
parts to their capacities.
They may praise the widow and the colonel for people of great honour--but
not too grossly; nor to labour the point so as to render themselves
suspected.
The mother will lead ye into her own and the colonel's praises! and
Tourville and Mowbray may be both her vouchers--I, and you, and Belton,
must be only hearsay confirmers.
As poverty is generally suspectible, the widow must be got handsomely
aforehand; and no doubt but she is. The elegance of her house and
furniture, and her readiness to discharge all demands upon her, which
she does with ostentation enough, and which makes her neighbours, I
suppose, like her the better, demonstrate this. She will propose to do
handsome things by her two nieces. Sally is near marriage--with an
eminent woollen-draper in the Strand, if ye have a mind to it; for there
are five or six of them there.
The nieces may be inquired after, since they will be absent, as persons
respected by Mowbray and Tourville, for their late worthy uncle's sake.
Watch ye diligently every turn of my countenance, every motion of my eye;
for in my eye, and in my countenance will ye find a sovereign regulator.
I need not bid you respect me mightily: your allegiance obliges you to
that: And who that sees me, respects me not?
Priscilla Partington (for her looks so innocent, and discretion so deep,
yet seeming so softly) may be greatly relied upon. She will accompany
the mother, gorgeously dressed, with all her Jew's extravagance flaming
out upon her; and first induce, then countenance, the lady. She has her
cue, and I hope will make her acquaintance coveted by my charmer.
Miss Partington's history is this: the daughter of Colonel Sinclair's
brother-in-law: that brother-in-law may have been a Turkey-merchant, or
any merchant, who died confoundedly rich: the colonel one of her
guardians [collateral credit in that to the old one:] whence she always
calls Mrs. Sinclair Mamma, though not succeeding to the trust.
She is just come to pass a day or two, and then to return to her
surviving guardian's at Barnet.
Miss Partington has suitors a little hundred (her grandmother, an
alderman's dowager, having left her a great additional fortune,) and is
not trusted out of her guardian's house without an old governante, noted
for discretion, except to her Mamma Sinclair, with whom now-and-then she
is permitted to be for a week together.
Pris. will Mamma-up Mrs. Sinclair, and will undertake to court her
guardian to let her pass a delightful week with her--Sir Edward Holden he
may as well be, if your shallow pates will not be clogged with too many
circumstantials. Lady Holden, perhaps, will come with her; for she
always delighted in her Mamma Sinclair's company, and talks of her, and
her good management, twenty times a day.
Be it principally thy part, Jack, who art a parading fellow, and aimest
at wisdom, to keep thy brother-varlets from blundering; for, as thou must
have observed from what I have written, we have the most watchful and
most penetrating lady in the world to deal with; a lady worth deceiving!
but whose eyes will piece to the bottom of your shallow souls the moment
she hears you open. Do you therefore place thyself between Mowbray and
Tourville: their toes to be played upon and commanded by thine, if they
go wrong: thy elbows to be the ministers of approbation.
As to your general behaviour; no hypocrisy!--I hate it: so does my
charmer. If I had studied for it, I believe I could have been an
hypocrite: but my general character is so well known, that I should have
been suspected at once, had I aimed at making myself too white. But what
necessity can there be for hypocrisy, unless the generality of the sex
were to refuse us for our immoralities? The best of them love to have
the credit for reforming us. Let the sweet souls try for it: if they
fail, their intent was good. That will be a consolation to them. And as
to us, our work will be the easier; our sins the fewer: since they will
draw themselves in with a very little of our help; and we shall save a
parcel of cursed falsehoods, and appear to be what we are both to angels
and men.--Mean time their very grandmothers will acquit us, and reproach
them with their self-do, self-have, and as having erred against
knowledge, and ventured against manifest appearances. What folly,
therefore, for men of our character to be hypocrites!
Be sure to instruct the rest, and do thou thyself remember, not to talk
obscenely. You know I never permitted any of you to talk obscenely.
Time enough for that, when ye grow old, and can ONLY talk. Besides, ye
must consider Prisc.'s affected character, my goddess's real one. Far
from obscenity, therefore, do not so much as touch upon the double
entendre. What! as I have often said, cannot you touch a lady's heart
without wounding her ear?
It is necessary that ye should appear worse men than myself. You cannot
help appearing so, you'll say. Well, then, there will be the less
restraint upon you--the less restraint, the less affectation.--And if
Belton begins his favourite subject in behalf of keeping, it may make me
take upon myself to oppose him: but fear not; I shall not give the
argument all my force.
She must have some curiosity, I think, to see what sort of men my
companions are: she will not expect any of you to be saints. Are you
not men born to considerable fortunes, although ye are not all of you
men of parts? Who is it in this mortal life that wealth does not
mislead? And as it gives people the power of being mischievous, does it
not require great virtue to forbear the use of that power? Is not the
devil said to be the god of this world? Are we not children of this
world? Well, then! let me tell thee my opinion--It is this, that were it
not for the poor and the middling, the world would probably, long ago,
have been destroyed by fire from Heaven. Ungrateful wretches the rest,
thou wilt be apt to say, to make such sorry returns, as they generally do
make, to the poor and the middling!
This dear lady is prodigiously learned in theories. But as to practices,
as to experimentals, must be, as you know from her tender years, a mere
novice. Till she knew me, I dare say, she did not believe, whatever she
had read, that there were such fellows in the world, as she will see in
you four. I shall have much pleasure in observing how she'll stare at
her company, when she finds me the politest man of the five.
And so much for instructions general and particular for your behaviour on
Monday night.
And let me add, that you must attend to every minute circumstance, whether
you think there be reason for it, or not. Deep, like golden ore,
frequently lies my meaning, and richly worth digging for. The hint of
least moment, as you may imagine it, is often pregnant with events of the
greatest. Be implicit. Am I not your general? Did I ever lead you on
that I brought you not off with safety and success?--Sometimes to your own
stupid astonishment.
And now, methinks, thou art curious to know, what can be my view in
risquing the displeasure of my fair-one, and alarming her fears, after
four or five halcyon days have gone over our heads? I'll satisfy thee.
The visiters of the two nieces will crowd the house.--Beds will be
scarce:--Miss Partington, a sweet, modest, genteel girl, will be
prodigiously taken with my charmer;--will want to begin a friendship with
her--a share in her bed, for one night only, will be requested. Who
knows, but on that very Monday night I may be so unhappy as to give
mortal offence to my beloved? The shyest birds may be caught napping.
Should she attempt to fly me upon it, cannot I detain her? Should she
actually fly, cannot I bring her back, by authority civil or uncivil, if
I have evidence upon evidence that she acknowledged, though but tacitly,
her marriage? And should I, or should I not succeed, and she forgive me,
or if she but descend to expostulate, or if she bear me in her sight,
then will she be all my own. All delicacy is my charmer. I long to see
how such a delicacy, on any of these occasions, will behave, and in my
situation it behoves me to provide against every accident.
I must take care, knowing what an eel I have to do with, that the little
riggling rogue does not slip through my fingers. How silly should I
look, staring after her, when she had shot from me into the muddy river,
her family, from which with so much difficulty I have taken her!
Well then, here are--let me see--How many persons are there who, after
Monday night, will be able to swear that she has gone by my name,
answered to my name, had no other view in leaving her friends but to go
by my name? her own relations neither able nor willing to deny it.--
First, here are my servants, her servant, Dorcas, Mrs. Sinclair, Mrs.
Sinclair's two nieces, and Miss Partington.
But for fear these evidences should be suspected, here comes the jet of
the business--'No less than four worthy gentlemen of fortune and family,
who were all in company such a night particularly, at a collation to
which they were invited by Robert Lovelace, of Sandoun-hall, in the
county of Lancaster, esquire, in company with Magdalen Sinclair, widow,
and Priscilla Partington, spinster, and the lady complainant, when the
said Robert Lovelace addressed himself to the said lady, on a multitude
of occasions, as his wife; as they and others did, as Mrs. Lovelace;
every one complimenting and congratulating her upon her nuptials; and
that she received such their compliments and congratulations with no
other visible displeasure or repugnance, than such as a young bride, full
of blushes and pretty confusion, might be supposed to express upon such
contemplative revolvings as those compliments would naturally inspire.'
Nor do thou rave at me, Jack, nor rebel. Dost think I brought the dear
creature hither for nothing?
And here's a faint sketch of my plot.--Stand by, varlets--tanta-ra-ra-ra!
--Veil your bonnets, and confess your master!