(_By Pegwell Bey._)
[Illustration]
Sir,--My title is Oriental; but I am a British subject. I address you
as an expert. This is the time of Cures--you have the Grape Cure, the
Whey Cure, the Water Cure, the Bath Cures, the Cures by German
waters--another and a shorter Whey Cure--and the Cure by French
watering-places. You have the Homburg Cure, the Wiesbaden Cure, the
Royat Cure; indeed, every kind of Cure, except the only Perfect Cure,
which I assert to be the "Shrimp Cure!"
I know that the pages of _Punch_ are read by all, and, for the benefit
of all mankind, I give these notes from my note-book, which is that of a
physician who has had great experience all over the world, and
especially in the East End of Europe, in order that rich and poor,
prince and peasant, may read, and happily find that true balsam, which
will so far purge his complaints, that he may become whole and well, and
a comfort to his family circle, and the pride of his country. Yes, Sir,
come to PEGWELL BEY for a cure, and P. B. exclaims, "In the name of
the Profit! Shrimps!"
A few explanatory words about my installation in the locality. I wanted
a Sanatorium. An unfinished row of villas about a mile-and-a-half
distant that had long been on the hands of a local speculative builder
struck me as the very thing. I took the whole terrace forthwith,
speedily instituted a bathing machine fitted up as an ambulance to meet
the down-train, and here I am in three months literally turning patients
away. I may as well add that to enable me to procure a fresh and
constant supply of shrimps for the necessities of my establishment, I
have managed to secure the services of a Retired Smuggler, who says he
knows the coast, and thinks with a lawn tennis net cut up into pieces,
and the assistance of one or two donkey-boys, or even patients, he can
undertake to keep me supplied. But to revert to my experiences.
No. 1. I commence with one of my first cases. I wish to be truthful. It
was not a successful one at first. A. B., aet. 45, of nervo-bilious
temperament, complained that his nights were fearful; no sleep, pains
everywhere, an uneasy sensation as of billiard-balls being poured down
his back, a horror of society, and distaste for pastry. I had him placed
in the establishment, and began by giving him three pints of shrimps
every four hours. For the first twenty-four hours he improved
wonderfully, he increased in weight and strength, and his appetite was
greater--no other food than shrimps is allowed; but on the second day I
found him with a temperature of 205 deg. Fahrenheit, a pulse of 270,
respirations 76 in the minute, and in fact in a critical state. I
remained with the patient, I sent for my electric lamp and other
instruments. I made an examination--a careful scientific
examination--and I found that he had eaten the _heads_ and _tails_. What
was to be done? I called in the Retired Smuggler, and asked his advice.
He immediately suggested warm greengage jam. After many anxious hours,
this had the effect of completely soothing the system, and my patient
breathed again. What relief! Having learnt by experience, I sat with
that patient days and days, saw each shrimp carefully peeled and dipped
in weak solution of carbolic acid--the result was wonderful. All his
hair came off, he looked twenty years older, and completely lost the use
of his legs, but he is now able to pursue the laborious occupation of an
Art Critic with pleasure to himself and gratification and edification to
his numerous readers.
No. 2. The case of a woman in an active stage of consumption is also
remarkable. She consumed everything, from a periwinkle to a Perigord
pie. In other respects appetite normal. Received her into the
establishment--fed her on shrimp-sauce, in quart pots. She came back
like the rebound of a watch-spring. She only remained three days--said
she was quite well, and suddenly left, unfortunately without giving her
address, and so her account remains unpaid. I do not think she will
return. The Retired Smuggler is of the same opinion.
No. 3. My next case presents singular features of interest. My patient
in this instance was an aged Duke, whose symptoms were unique and
peculiar. He had deafening noises in his head, like the explosion of
heavy foot artillery, coupled with a continual sensation of descending
rapidly, as in a diving-bell out of order, accompanied by sudden and
unexpected seizures in the spine, as if he were violently run into in
the back by an omnibus-pole. His sight was also affected, magnificent
displays of fireworks taking place between him and his morning paper
whenever he attempted to look at the leader. I saw at a glance that
there was congestion in the case, and at once ordered a massage bath of
hot potted shrimps. This was followed at first by the exhibition of some
feverish symptoms, but, by a persistent recourse to it uninterruptedly
for six consecutive months, they gradually disappeared, and I consider
him now in a much improved condition. It is true that his faculties
appear to have left him, and that he addresses me as "King of the
Coloboo Islands," and, whenever he gets a chance, puts things on the sly
across the railway lines to upset the trains, and eats his newspaper;
but I fancy the noises in his head have disappeared. I have lately sent
him out in charge of the Retired Smuggler, who assures me that, beyond
bonneting a middle-aged lady on a donkey with the shrimping-net,
beginning a war-dance in a neighbouring public-house, and pushing a
shortsighted naturalist who was collecting zoophytes at the end of the
pier into the water, there has been nothing at all to distinguish his
behaviour from that of any ordinary nobleman making a short stay at the
sea-side. I have him now watched, for I think it as well, by six
attendants night and day, but I consider him quite my showcase. The more
I look at him the more it is brought home to me what wonders the shrimps
have done for him.
I could, of course, continue my extracts, but my space is limited, and I
must stop here. I think, however, I have revealed enough of the new
treatment to induce any waverer to no longer hesitate, but to get it at
once, and put himself or herself unreservedly under the careful charge
of your highly scientific and circumspect correspondent,