_Brief Tragi-Comedy for the Times._
ACT I.--_A West End Club Smoking Room. Philosophic Philanthropists
discovered disposing of question of the hour._
_First Philosophic Philanthropist (putting down Times)._ Well, I'm sure
nothing could be more satisfactory, and it's all clearly set down here.
Not a single soul in the Metropolis need pass the night in the streets.
Here's the whole thing set out, chapter and verse. It seems the Police
take the matter in hand, and there's a decent night's lodging provided
for every single tramp who's in want of it.
_Second Philosophic Philanthropist._ Just so. Of course one knows
there's no end of exaggerated clap-trap talked about the matter. The
thing's as simple as can be. They're drafted off to the Casual Wards,
where there is clean, wholesome, and comparatively comfortable
accommodation; and the system works perfectly, and is capitally
organised.
_First Philosophic Philanthropist (warmly)._ Capitally!
[_Are left mutually congratulating each other on the ample
provision made by the Authorities for the nightly shelter of the
homeless Metropolitan poor as the scene closes in._
ACT II.--_Exterior of a Casual Ward. Time_ 9 P.M. _Thirty Shivering
Creatures in charge of Practical Policeman, discovered waiting outside
in the wind and rain._
_First Shivering Creature._ I say, Bobby, d'you think we shall git in
'ere? I'm almost froze, and am that drippin' there ain't a bloomin' dry
rag upon me.
_Practical Policeman (who has already been to three other Casual Wards
with his "charges" but has found them all full)._ You wait a minute;
perhaps we shall have luck here. (_The Master appears._) Well, Mister
Master, have you got any room?
_Master._ No; full as we can hold. (_Surveying the shivering crowd._)
How many are you? Twenty or thirty! Hum--well, I might squeeze in five.
Pick 'em out.
[First Shivering Creature _and four others are passed into a damp
close, stone-paved room, crowded with human beings, some of which
are lying on a few wooden benches, the majority being huddled in
heaps upon the floor_.
_First Shivering Creature._ Wot! Call this a night's lodging? Why,
quod's a pallis to it! [_Sinks down in a corner, and huddles himself to
sleep with the rest._
_Master (concluding his address to Policeman)._ Well, good-night to you.
Your best game would be Wapping, I should say--not, though, that I think
they'll be able to help you.
[_Shuts door on Policeman and his "charges," who try Wapping, from
which place, being "full," they are directed in turns to several
other Wards in different parts of the Metropolis, but after trudging
about for hours and finding no room anywhere, they eventually draw
up outside a Casual Ward in the Bermondsey district at_ 1 A.M.
_Practical Policeman (coming to the point)._ Well, as I can't get you in
'ere, nor, as it seems, anywheres, I must leave you to shift for
yourselves.
[_Retires pensively._
_Second Shivering Creature._ Well, mates, there ain't then nuffink for
it but the "Square" agin; so I'm hoff.
[_Straggles aimlessly westward, followed at intervals by other
Shivering Creatures as Curtain descends on "capitally organised"
Tableau._
* * * * *
MOST APPROPRIATE EVIDENCE.--Mistress MARGARET DILLON, Midwife and
Monthly nurse, who brought an action against the Irish Secretary for
slander, had determined to produce in Court several most respectable
wet-nusses to character.
* * * * *
Messrs. CHATTO AND WINDUS advertise _Jack the Fisherman_, by Miss
PHELPS. A catching title, and which sounds like a continuation of
_Exchange for a Sole_, by Miss LINSKILL.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.
_Her Ladyship._ "I'M SO GLAD YOU ARE COMING TO OUR CONCERT IN THE
SCHOOLROOM TO-NIGHT, PRICE! MISS DAVEY, THE GREAT CONTRALTO FROM
LONDON, IS COMING TO HELP US, YOU KNOW!"
_Old Servant._ "YES, MY LADY, WE WAS A SAYING IN THE SERVANTS' 'ALL AS
WE FELT VERY HANXIOUS ABOUT 'ER. THEY DON'T APPRECIATE ANYTHING REALLY
FUST-RATE DOWN 'ERE. NOW YOU AND MISS HEMMAR ALWAYS TAKES BEAUTIFUL,
MY LADY!"]
* * * * *