When a man reaches the position in which the first part of this book
sets him, we suppose that the idea of his wife being possessed by
another makes his heart beat, and rekindles his passion, either by an
appeal to his _amour propre_, his egotism, or his self-interest, for
unless he is still on his wife's side, he must be one of the lowest of
men and deserves his fate.
In this trying moment it is very difficult for a husband to avoid
making mistakes; for, with regard to most men, the art of ruling a
wife is even less known than that of judiciously choosing one.
However, marital policy consists chiefly in the practical application
of three principles which should be the soul of your conduct. The
first is never to believe what a woman says; the second, always to
look for the spirit without dwelling too much upon the letter of her
actions; and the third, not to forget that a woman is never so
garrulous as when she holds her tongue, and is never working with more
energy than when she keeps quiet.
From the moment that your suspicions are aroused, you ought to be like
a man mounted on a tricky horse, who always watches the ears of the
beast, in fear of being thrown from the saddle.
But art consists not so much in the knowledge of principles, as in the
manner of applying them; to reveal them to ignorant people is to put a
razor in the hand of a monkey. Moreover, the first and most vital of
your duties consists in perpetual dissimulation, an accomplishment in
which most husbands are sadly lacking. In detecting the symptoms of
minotaurism a little too plainly marked in the conduct of their wives,
most men at once indulge in the most insulting suspicions. Their minds
contract a tinge of bitterness which manifests itself in their
conversation, and in their manners; and the alarm which fills their
heart, like the gas flame in a glass globe, lights up their
countenances so plainly, that it accounts for their conduct.
Now a woman, who has twelve hours more than you have each day to
reflect and to study you, reads the suspicion written upon your face
at the very moment that it arises. She will never forget this
gratuitous insult. Nothing can ever remedy that. All is now said and
done, and the very next day, if she has opportunity, she will join the
ranks of inconsistent women.
You ought then to begin under these circumstances to affect towards
your wife the same boundless confidence that you have hitherto had in
her. If you begin to lull her anxieties by honeyed words, you are
lost, she will not believe you; for she has her policy as you have
yours. Now there is as much need for tact as for kindliness in your
behavior, in order to inculcate in her, without her knowing it, a
feeling of security, which will lead her to lay back her ears, and
prevent you from using rein or spur at the wrong moment.
But how can we compare a horse, the frankest of all animals, to a
being, the flashes of whose thought, and the movements of whose
impulses render her at moments more prudent than the Servite
Fra-Paolo, the most terrible adviser that the Ten at Venice ever had;
more deceitful than a king; more adroit than Louis XI; more profound
than Machiavelli; as sophistical as Hobbes; as acute as Voltaire; as
pliant as the fiancee of Mamolin; and distrustful of no one in the
whole wide world but you?
Moreover, to this dissimulation, by means of which the springs that
move your conduct ought to be made as invisible as those that move the
world, must be added absolute self-control. That diplomatic
imperturbability, so boasted of by Talleyrand, must be the least of
your qualities; his exquisite politeness and the grace of his manners
must distinguish your conversation. The professor here expressly
forbids you to use your whip, if you would obtain complete control
over your gentle Andalusian steed.
LXI.
If a man strike his mistress it is a self-inflicted wound; but if he
strike his wife it is suicide!
How can we think of a government without police, an action without
force, a power without weapons?--Now this is exactly the problem which
we shall try to solve in our future meditations. But first we must
submit two preliminary observations. They will furnish us with two
other theories concerning the application of all the mechanical means
which we propose you should employ. An instance from life will refresh
these arid and dry dissertations: the hearing of such a story will be
like laying down a book, to work in the field.
In the year 1822, on a fine morning in the month of February, I was
traversing the boulevards of Paris, from the quiet circles of the
Marais to the fashionable quarters of the Chaussee-d'Antin, and I
observed for the first time, not without a certain philosophic joy,
the diversity of physiognomy and the varieties of costume which, from
the Rue du Pas-de-la-Mule even to the Madeleine, made each portion of
the boulevard a world of itself, and this whole zone of Paris, a grand
panorama of manners. Having at that time no idea of what the world
was, and little thinking that one day I should have the audacity to
set myself up as a legislator on marriage, I was going to take lunch
at the house of a college friend, who was perhaps too early in life
afflicted with a wife and two children. My former professor of
mathematics lived at a short distance from the house of my college
friend, and I promised myself the pleasure of a visit to this worthy
mathematician before indulging my appetite for the dainties of
friendship. I accordingly made my way to the heart of a study, where
everything was covered with a dust which bore witness to the lofty
abstraction of the scholar. But a surprise was in store for me there.
I perceived a pretty woman seated on the arm of an easy chair, as if
mounted on an English horse; her face took on the look of conventional
surprise worn by mistresses of the house towards those they do not
know, but she did not disguise the expression of annoyance which, at
my appearance, clouded her countenance with the thought that I was
aware how ill-timed was my presence. My master, doubtless absorbed in
an equation, had not yet raised his head; I therefore waved my right
hand towards the young lady, like a fish moving his fin, and on tiptoe
I retired with a mysterious smile which might be translated "I will
not be the one to prevent him committing an act of infidelity to
Urania." She nodded her head with one of those sudden gestures whose
graceful vivacity is not to be translated into words.
"My good friend, don't go away," cried the geometrician. "This is my
wife!"
I bowed for the second time!--Oh, Coulon! Why wert thou not present to
applaud the only one of thy pupils who understood from that moment the
expression, "anacreontic," as applied to a bow?--The effect must have
been very overwhelming; for Madame the Professoress, as the Germans
say, rose hurriedly as if to go, making me a slight bow which seemed
to say: "Adorable!----" Her husband stopped her, saying:
"Don't go, my child, this is one of my pupils."
The young woman bent her head towards the scholar as a bird perched on
a bough stretches its neck to pick up a seed.
"It is not possible," said the husband, heaving a sigh, "and I am
going to prove it to you by A plus B."
"Let us drop that, sir, I beg you," she answered, pointing with a wink
to me.
If it had been a problem in algebra, my master would have understood
this look, but it was Chinese to him, and so he went on.
"Look here, child, I constitute you judge in the matter; our income is
ten thousand francs."
At these words I retired to the door, as if I were seized with a wild
desire to examine the framed drawings which had attracted my
attention. My discretion was rewarded by an eloquent glance. Alas! she
did not know that in Fortunio I could have played the part of
Sharp-Ears, who heard the truffles growing.
"In accordance with the principles of general economy," said my
master, "no one ought to spend in rent and servant's wages more than
two-tenths of his income; now our apartment and our attendance cost
altogether a hundred louis. I give you twelve hundred francs to dress
with" [in saying this he emphasized every syllable]. "Your food," he
went on, takes up four thousand francs, our children demand at lest
twenty-five louis; I take for myself only eight hundred francs;
washing, fuel and light mount up to about a thousand francs; so that
there does not remain, as you see, more than six hundred francs for
unforeseen expenses. In order to buy the cross of diamonds, we must
draw a thousand crowns from our capital, and if once we take that
course, my little darling, there is no reason why we should not leave
Paris which you love so much, and at once take up our residence in the
country, in order to retrench. Children and household expenses will
increase fast enough! Come, try to be reasonable!"
"I suppose I must," she said, "but you will be the only husband in
Paris who has not given a New Year's gift to his wife."
And she stole away like a school-boy who goes to finish an imposed
duty. My master made a gesture of relief. When he saw the door close
he rubbed his hands, he talked of the war in Spain; and I went my way
to the Rue de Provence, little knowing that I had received the first
installment of a great lesson in marriage, any more than I dreamt of
the conquest of Constantinople by General Diebitsch. I arrived at my
host's house at the very moment they were sitting down to luncheon,
after having waited for me the half hour demanded by usage. It was, I
believe, as she opened a _pate de foie gras_ that my pretty hostess
said to her husband, with a determined air:
"Alexander, if you were really nice you would give me that pair of
ear-rings that we saw at Fossin's."
"You shall have them," cheerfully replied my friend, drawing from his
pocketbook three notes of a thousand francs, the sight of which made
his wife's eyes sparkle. "I can no more resist the pleasure of
offering them to you," he added, "than you can that of accepting them.
This is the anniversary of the day I first saw you, and the diamonds
will perhaps make you remember it!----"
"You bad man!" said she, with a winning smile.
She poked two fingers into her bodice, and pulling out a bouquet of
violets she threw them with childlike contempt into the face of my
friend. Alexander gave her the price of the jewels, crying out:
"I had seen the flowers!"
I shall never forget the lively gesture and the eager joy with which,
like a cat which lays its spotted paw upon a mouse, the little woman
seized the three bank notes; she rolled them up blushing with
pleasure, and put them in the place of the violets which before had
perfumed her bosom. I could not help thinking about my old
mathematical master. I did not then see any difference between him and
his pupil, than that which exists between a frugal man and a prodigal,
little thinking that he of the two who seemed to calculate the better,
actually calculated the worse. The luncheon went off merrily. Very
soon, seated in a little drawing-room newly decorated, before a
cheerful fire which gave warmth and made our hearts expand as in spring
time, I felt compelled to make this loving couple a guest's
compliments on the furnishing of their little bower.
"It is a pity that all this costs so dear," said my friend, "but it is
right that the nest be worthy of the bird; but why the devil do you
compliment me upon curtains which are not paid for?--You make me
remember, just at the time I am digesting lunch, that I still owe two
thousand francs to a Turk of an upholsterer."
At these words the mistress of the house made a mental inventory of
the pretty room with her eyes, and the radiancy of her face changed to
thoughtfulness. Alexander took me by the hand and led me to the recess
of a bay window.
"Do you happen," he said in a low voice, "to have a thousand crowns to
lend me? I have only twelve thousand francs income, and this year--"
"Alexander," cried the dear creature, interrupting her husband, while,
rushing up, she offered him the three banknotes, "I see now that it is
a piece of folly--"
"What do you mean?" answered he, "keep your money."
"But, my love, I am ruining you! I ought to know that you love me so
much, that I ought not to tell you all that I wish for."
"Keep it, my darling, it is your lawful property--nonsense, I shall
gamble this winter and get all that back again!"
"Gamble!" cried she, with an expression of horror. "Alexander, take
back these notes! Come, sir, I wish you to do so."
"No, no," replied my friend, repulsing the white and delicious little
hand. "Are you not going on Thursday to a ball of Madame de B-----?"
"I will think about what you asked of me," said I to my comrade.
I went away bowing to his wife, but I saw plainly after that scene
that my anacreontic salutation did not produce much effect upon her.
"He must be mad," thought I as I went away, "to talk of a thousand
crowns to a law student."
Five days later I found myself at the house of Madame de B-----, whose
balls were becoming fashionable. In the midst of the quadrilles I saw
the wife of my friend and that of the mathematician. Madame Alexander
wore a charming dress; some flowers and white muslin were all that
composed it. She wore a little cross _a la Jeannette_, hanging by a
black velvet ribbon which set off the whiteness of her scented skin;
long pears of gold decorated her ears. On the neck of Madame the
Professoress sparkled a superb cross of diamonds.
"How funny that is," said I to a personage who had not yet studied the
world's ledger, nor deciphered the heart of a single woman.
That personage was myself. If I had then the desire to dance with
those fair women, it was simply because I knew a secret which
emboldened my timidity.
"So after all, madame, you have your cross?" I said to her first.
"Well, I fairly won it!" she replied, with a smile hard to describe.
"How is this! no ear-rings?" I remarked to the wife of my friend.
"Ah!" she replied, "I have enjoyed possession of them during a whole
luncheon time, but you see that I have ended by converting Alexander."
"He allowed himself to be easily convinced?"
She answered with a look of triumph.
Eight years afterwards, this scene suddenly rose to my memory, though
I had long since forgotten it, and in the light of the candles I
distinctly discerned the moral of it. Yes, a woman has a horror of
being convinced of anything; when you try to persuade her she
immediately submits to being led astray and continues to play the role
which nature gave her. In her view, to allow herself to be won over is
to grant a favor, but exact arguments irritate and confound her; in
order to guide her you must employ the power which she herself so
frequently employs and which lies in an appeal to sensibility. It is
therefore in his wife, and not in himself, that a husband can find the
instruments of his despotism; as diamond cuts diamond so must the
woman be made to tyrannize over herself. To know how to offer the
ear-rings in such a way that they will be returned, is a secret whose
application embraces the slightest details of life. And now let us
pass to the second observation.
"He who can manage property of one toman, can manage one of an hundred
thousand," says an Indian proverb; and I, for my part, will enlarge
upon this Asiatic adage and declare, that he who can govern one woman
can govern a nation, and indeed there is very much similarity between
these two governments. Must not the policy of husbands be very nearly
the same as the policy of kings? Do not we see kings trying to amuse
the people in order to deprive them of their liberty; throwing food at
their heads for one day, in order to make them forget the misery of a
whole year; preaching to them not to steal and at the same time
stripping them of everything; and saying to them: "It seems to me that
if I were the people I should be virtuous"? It is from England that we
obtain the precedent which husbands should adopt in their houses.
Those who have eyes ought to see that when the government is running
smoothly the Whigs are rarely in power. A long Tory ministry has
always succeeded an ephemeral Liberal cabinet. The orators of a
national party resemble the rats which wear their teeth away in
gnawing the rotten panel; they close up the hole as soon as they smell
the nuts and the lard locked up in the royal cupboard. The woman is
the Whig of our government. Occupying the situation in which we have
left her she might naturally aspire to the conquest of more than one
privilege. Shut your eyes to the intrigues, allow her to waste her
strength in mounting half the steps of your throne; and when she is on
the point of touching your sceptre, fling her back to the ground,
quite gently and with infinite grace, saying to her: "Bravo!" and
leaving her to expect success in the hereafter. The craftiness of this
manoeuvre will prove a fine support to you in the employment of any
means which it may please you to choose from your arsenal, for the
object of subduing your wife.
Such are the general principles which a husband should put into
practice, if he wishes to escape mistakes in ruling his little
kingdom. Nevertheless, in spite of what was decided by the minority at
the council of Macon (Montesquieu, who had perhaps foreseen the coming
of constitutional government has remarked, I forget in what part of
his writings, that good sense in public assemblies is always found on
the side of the minority), we discern in a woman a soul and a body,
and we commence by investigating the means to gain control of her
moral nature. The exercise of thought, whatever people may say, is
more noble than the exercise of bodily organs, and we give precedence
to science over cookery and to intellectual training over hygiene.