Occasionally, among the letters I received, was one that reflected deep
disappointment and anguish. The writer had tried to contact a
grandchild-or a grandparent-who was too faraway geographically or
beyond a barrier of circumstance. There were no answers.
***
A man in his eighties wrote that he had a couple of dozen grandchildren
and great-grandchildren scattered around the world. Not one had written
to him or telephoned, either on their own or in response to his letters and
gifts. He was a widower, lived alone, and was the only remaining
grandparent. He wanted his grandchildren to know that he was still
alive. He had much to offer them, he said, about the family's history and
traditions.
'Should I just give up?' he asked.
I suggested that he, as the only living grandparent, persevere and to not
accept defeat. Whatever the past might have been, his advanced years
called for him to be nonjudgmental, empathic, and healing. I suggested
that his grandchildren have or will have families of their own and, in time,
will also be grandparents. As elders, they will reflect on their lives and,
with a perspective vastly different from their youth and middle years,
recall that Grandpa, in his advanced years, had tried to reach out to them
as a grandparent in deed as well as in name.
In remembering, they would better understand their own roles as
grandparents and their needs as elderly. Through their remembering he
will become the 'grandpa' he had sought, long before, to be. Persistence,
I reminded him-not giving up-was vital to his well being if not to his life.
To stop trying would be to accept defeat. The elderly do not take defeats
lightly; at some point the added weight accelerates their downward spiral.
What he was doing for his grandchildren, I wrote, might have profound
effects long after he was gone. Grandparenting is both here and now
and for the long haul, and it influences grandchildren across their entire
life span, not merely for the few years that grandparents were right there
to offer guidance and hold them close.
Grandchildren rarely realize it when they're kids-very often not even well
into in their middle years-but the grandparents in their lives are forever.
Most adults finally figure it out in their latter years. In time, grandkids
figure it out-in their turn.
***
A woman wrote to me about her pre-teenage daughter's repeated but
futile attempts to communicate with her grandfather. He was in his
eighth decade and resided in a distant state; the youngster was his only
grandchild. Intelligent and caring, she had written to him regularly, sent
holiday cards and gifts, and baked and mailed cookies. He did not
acknowledge.
When Grandpa did telephone-not often-he spoke briefly with the
youngster's parents but avoided talking to her. He had not visited for a
long time, lived alone, and was a loner with few friends. The mother's
letter did not mention a Grandma, and appealed for a 'suggestion.'
I responded that the parent review grandfather's wellness and what his
self-image might be in the light of his past. Had he always been as
withdrawn as he now appeared to be? How had he related emotionally to
his family when his children were young? Had the family been close, or
had Dad been distant even then toward his children and their mother? If
he had been a close and caring father, when did changes occur that were
significantly different, as currently displayed toward his only
grandchild?
What might have brought the changes on? Advancing age can be an
important factor: changes that occur during a person's eighth decade and
beyond can be ravaging, especially if health had seriously deteriorated or
a great personal loss experienced. If such was the case, Grandpa might
feel strongly not to impose his difficult problems on to Grandchild?
'I don't know if Grandfather can be changed,' I wrote. 'I do believe that
Grandfather needs your understanding and your compassion, and the
same from your spouse or partner. Equally, but perhaps not aware of it,
he needs the understanding and compassion of his Granddaughter. She
keeps reaching out to him; I conclude her sense of compassion is strong.
Compassion will not be a burden to her; to the contrary, reaching out
strengthens her sensitivity and her developing maturity.
In closing, 'I address to Granddaughter the 'suggestion' you asked for:
'Granddaughter, keep trying. Grandpa might not respond, but he hears
you. Do not default; do not ever, ever give up.''