What is youth? a dancing billow,
Winds behind, and rocks before!
WORDSWORTH.
This exploit terminated Fitzhenry's career at Eton. A private tutor was
engaged, who resided with the family, for the purpose of preparing him
for college, and at the age of seventeen he was entered at Oxford. He
still continued to cultivate the friendship of Derham. This youth was
the younger son of a rich and aristocratic family, whose hopes and cares
centred in their heir, and who cared little for the comfort of the
younger. Derham had been destined for the sea, and scarcely did his
delicate health, and timid, nervous disposition exempt him from the
common fate of a boy, whose parents did not know what to do with him.
The next idea was to place him in the church; and at last, at his
earnest entreaty, he was permitted to go abroad, to study at one of the
German universities, so to prepare himself, by a familiarity with modern
languages, for diplomacy.
It was singular how well Fitzhenry and his sensitive friend agreed;--the
one looked up with unfeigned admiration--the other felt attracted by a
mingled compassion and respect, that flattered his vanity, and yet
served as excitement and amusement. From Derham, Fitzhenry imbibed in
theory much of that contempt of the world's opinion, and carelessness of
consequences, which was inherent in the one, but was an extraneous graft
on the proud and imperious spirit of the other. Derham looked with calm
yet shy superiority on his fellow-creatures. Yet superiority is not the
word, since he did not feel himself superior to, but different
from--incapable of sympathizing or extracting sympathy, he turned away
with a smile, and pursued his lonely path, thronged with visions and
fancies--while his friend, when he met check or rebuff, would fire up,
his eyes sparkling, his bosom heaving with intolerable indignation.
After two years spent at Oxford, instead of remaining to take his
degree, Fitzhenry made an earnest request to be permitted to visit his
friend, who was then at Jena. It was but anticipating the period for his
travels, and upon his promise to pursue his studies abroad, he won a
somewhat reluctant consent from his father. Once on the continent, the
mania of travelling seized him. He visited Italy, Poland, and Russia: he
bent his wayward steps from north to south, as the whim seized him. He
became of age, and his father earnestly desired his return: but again
and again he solicited permission to remain, from autumn till spring,
and from spring till autumn, until the very flower of his youth seemed
destined to be wasted in aimless rambles, and an intercourse with
foreigners, that must tend to unnationalize him, and to render him unfit
for a career in his own country. Growing accustomed to regulate his own
actions, he changed the tone of request into that of announcing his
intentions. At length, he was summoned home to attend the death-bed of
his father. He paid the last duties to his remains, provided for the
comfortable establishment of his sister in the family mansion at
Longfield, and then informed her of his determination of returning
immediately to Vienna.
During this visit he had appeared to live rather in a dream than in the
actual world. He had mourned for his father; he paid the most
affectionate attentions to his sister; but this formed, as it were, the
surface of things; a mightier impulse ruled his inner mind. His life
seemed to depend upon certain letters which he received; and when the
day had been occupied by business, he passed the night in writing
answers. He was often agitated in the highest degree, almost always
abstracted in reverie. The outward man--the case of Lodore was in
England--his passionate and undisciplined soul was far away, evidently in
the keeping of another.
Elizabeth, sorrowing for the loss of her father, was doubly afflicted
when she heard that it was her brother's intention to quit England
immediately. She had fondly hoped that he would, adorned by his
newly-inherited title, and endowed with the gifts of fortune, step upon
the stage of the world, and shine forth the hero of his age and country.
Her affections, her future prospects, her ambition, were all centred in
him; and it was a bitter pang to feel that the glory of these was to be
eclipsed by the obscurity and distant residence which he preferred.
Accustomed to obedience, and to regard the resolutions of the men about
her, as laws with which she had no right to interfere, she did not
remonstrate, she only wept. Moved by her tears, Lord Lodore made the
immense sacrifice of one month to gratify her, which he spent in reading
and writing letters at Longfield, in pacing the rooms or avenues absorbed
in reverie, or in riding over the most solitary districts, with no object
apparently in view, except that of avoiding his fellow-creatures.
Elizabeth had the happiness of seeing the top of his head as he leant
over his desk in the library, from a little hillock in the garden, which
she sought for the purpose of beholding that blessed vision. She enjoyed
also the pleasure of hearing him pace his room during the greater part
of the night. Sometimes he conversed with her, and then how like a god
he seemed! His extensive acquaintance with men and things, the novel but
choice language in which he clothed his ideas; his vivid descriptions,
his melodious voice, and the exquisite grace of his manner, made him
rise like the planet of day upon her. Too soon her sun set. If ever she
hinted at the prolongation of his stay, he grew moody, and she
discovered with tearful anguish that his favourite ride was towards the
sea, often to the very shore: "I seem half free when I only look upon
the waves," he said; "they remind me that the period of liberty is at
hand, when I shall leave this dull land for----"
A sob from his sister checked his speech, and he repented his
ingratitude. Yet when the promised month had elapsed, he did not defer
his journey a single day: already had he engaged his passage at Harwich.
A fair wind favoured his immediate departure. Elizabeth accompanied him
on board, almost she wished to be asked to sail with him. No word but
that of a kind adieu was uttered by him. She returned to shore, and
watched his lessening sail. Wherefore did he leave his native country?
Wherefore return to reside in lands, whose language, manners, and
religion, were all at variance with his own? These questions occupied
the gentle spinster's thoughts; she had little except such meditations
to vary the hours, as years stole on unobserved, and she continued to
spend her blameless tranquil days in her native village.
The new Lord Lodore was one of those men, not unfrequently met with in the
world, whose early youth is replete with mighty promise; who, as they
advance in life, continue to excite the expectation, the curiosity, and
even the enthusiasm of all around them; but as the sun on a stormy day
now and then glimmers forth, giving us hopes of conquering brightness,
and yet slips down to its evening eclipse without redeeming the pledge;
so do these men present every appearance of one day making a conspicuous
figure, and yet to the end, as it were, they only gild the edges of the
clouds in which they hide themselves, and arrive at the term of life,
the promise of its dawn unfulfilled. Passion, and the consequent
engrossing occupations, usurped the place of laudable ambition and
useful exertion. He wasted his nobler energies upon pursuits which were
mysteries to the world, yet which formed the sum of his existence. It
was not that he was destitute of loftier aspirations. Ambition was the
darling growth of his soul--but weeds and parasites, an unregulated and
unpruned overgrowth, twisted itself around the healthier plant, and
threatened its destruction.
Sometimes he appeared among the English in the capital towns of the
continent, and was always welcomed with delight. His manners were highly
engaging, a little reserved with men, unless they were intimates,
attentive to women, and to them a subject of interest, they scarcely
knew why. A mysterious fair one was spoken of as the cynosure of his
destiny, and some desired to discover his secret, while others would
have been glad to break the spell that bound him to this hidden star.
Often for months he disappeared altogether, and was spoken of as having
secluded himself in some unattainable district of northern Germany,
Poland, or Courland. Yet all these erratic movements were certainly
governed by one law, and that was love;--love unchangeable and intense,
else wherefore was he cold to the attractions of his fair countrywomen?
And why, though he gazed with admiration and interest on the families of
lovely girls, whose successive visitations on the continent strike the
natives with such wonder, why did he not select some distinguished
beauty, with blue eyes, and auburn locks, as the object of his exclusive
admiration? He had often conversed with such with seeming delight; but
he could withdraw from the fascination unharmed and free. Sometimes a
very kind and agreeable mamma contrived half to domesticate him; but
after lounging, and turning over music-books, and teaching steps for a
week, he was gone--a farewell card probably the only token of regret.
Yet he was universally liked, and the ladies were never weary of
auguring the time to be not far off, when he would desire to break the
chains that bound him;--and then--he must marry. He was so quiet, so
domestic, so gentle, that he would make, doubtless, a kind and
affectionate husband. Among Englishmen, he had a friend or two, by
courtesy so called, who were eager for him to return to his native
country, and to enter upon public life. He lent a willing ear to these
persuasions, and appeared annoyed at some secret necessity that
prevented his yielding to them. Once or twice he had said, that his
present mode of life should not last for ever, and that he would come
among them at no distant day. And yet years stole on, and mystery and
obscurity clouded him. He grew grave, almost sombre, and then almost
discontented. Any one habituated to him might have discovered struggles
beneath the additional seriousness of his demeanour--struggles that
promised final emancipation from his long-drawn thraldom.