Printed for _F. Coles_, _T. Vere_, _J. Wright_ and _J. Clarke_.
[Footnote 212: For tune, see Appendix, same as _The Leather
Bottel_.]
[Footnote 213: Licensed from 1663 to 1685.]
[Footnote 214: Probably a contraction for _hector_ or bully.]
[Footnote 215: Footpad.]
[Footnote 216: Guineas were made from the gold from the West
Coast of Africa, and were first coined in 1663, the African
company having by charter the right of stamping an elephant on
the coin.]
[110.] Evermore when Maister _Hobson_[F. 217] had any busines abroad,
his prentices wold ether bee at the taverne, filling there heads with
wine, or at the dagger in cheapeside, cramming their bellies with
minced pyes, but above al other times, it was their common custome
(as London prentises use) to follow their maisters upon Sundays to the
Church dore, and then to leave them and hie unto the taverne, which
Maister _Hobson_ on a time perceving one of his men to doe, demanded
at his comming home what the Preachers text was: Sir (quoth the
fellow) I was not at the beginning; what was in the middle (quoth
Maister _Hobson_) Sir, (qd the fellow) then was I asleepe: said
Maister _Hobson_ againe, what then was the conclusion? then Replyed
his servant, I was come, Sir, away before the end; by which meanes
he knew well he was not there, but rather in some tippling house
offending Gods majesty, and the lawes of the land. Therefore the
next Sunday morning after, Maister _Hobson_ called all his servants
together, and in the sight of many of his neighbors and their
prentises, tooke a peece of chaulke, & chaulkd them all the way
along to the Church derectly, which proved a great shame to his owne
servants, but a good example to all others of like condition; after
this was never the like mesdemenour used amongst them.
[Footnote 217: He must not be confounded with the Cambridge
carrier, whose famous dictum has passed into a proverb,
"Hobson's choice, that or none," that is, his inflexible rule
was for his customer to take the horse he apportioned to him
or go without. Our Hobson may be best described in the words
of his editor:--"In the beginning of Queene _Elizabeths_
most happy raigne, our late deceased Soveraigne, under whose
peaceful government long flourished this our Country of
_England_; There lived in the Citty of London, a merry Citizen
named old _Hobson_, a haberdasher of small wares, dwelling at
the lower end of _cheapside_, in the _Poultry_: as well
known through this part of _England_, as a Sergeant knows
the Counter-gate, he was a homely plaine man, most commonly
wearing a button'd cap close to his eares, a short gowne girt
hard about his middle, and a paire of slippers upon his feete
of an ancient fashion; as for his wealth it was answerable
to the better sort of our Cittizens, but of so mery a
disposition, that his equal therein is hardly to be found;
hereat let the pleasant disposed people laugh, and the more
graver in Carriage take no exceptions, for here are merriments
without hurt, and humorous jests savoring upon wisdome; read
willingly, but scoffe not spitefully, for old _Hobson_ spent
his dayes merrily."]
[17.] One affirmed that he had seen a Cabbage so big, that Five
hundred men on hors back might stand under its shade; and I for my
part, says another, have seen a Caldron so wide, That Three hundred
men wrought therein, each distant from the other twenty yards: Then
the Cabbage-lyer ask'd him, For what use was that Caldron? Says he, To
boil your Cabbage in.
[67.] A man excused y^e beating of his wife, because she was his
owne flesh, saying, may I not beat mine owne flesh? and she upon that
excused y^e scratching of him, saying, May I not scratch mine own
head?
An honest Vicker, and a kind consort, [102.]
That to the Alehouse friendly would resort,
To have a game at Tables now and than,
Or drinke his pot, as soone as any man:
As faire a gamster, and as free from brawl,
As ever man should need to play withall:
Because his Hostesse pledg'd him not carouse,
Rashly in choller did forsweare her house.
Taking the glasse, this was the oath he swore,
Now by this drinke, I'le nere come hither more.
But mightily his Hostesse did repent,
For al her guests to the next Ale house went,
Following their Vickars steps in everie thing:
He led the Parish even by a string.
At length his ancient Hostesse did complaine
She was undone unlesse he came againe.
Desiring certain friends of hers and his,
To use a pollicie, which should be this:
Because with cunning he should not forsweare him,
To save his oath, they on their backs might bear him.
Of this good course the Vicker well did thinke,
And so they alwayes carried him to drinke.
[4.] The Lord _Bacon_ going the Northern Circuit, a Fellow that
was try'd for Robbing, was very importunate with the Judge to be
favourable to him, telling him he was a kin to his Lordship: Why,
how so? said the Judge. Why answered the Fellow, An't please your
Lordship, your Name is _Bacon_, and my name is _Hog_, and those two
are alike. 'Tis true, said the Judge; but you and I can't be kindred
till you are Hang'd, for _Hog_ is never good _Bacon_ till 'tis Hang'd.
[26.] Another Story was, That he being in a Low room, with some
Gentlemen a drinking a bottle of Ale; he saw the Man of the House open
a Bottle, and the Cork flew up with such a Violence, that it strook
his Hat off his Head, and after that went through the Cieling of that
Room and another Room above that, which was two pair of Stairs high,
and kill'd a Man and his Wife as they lay in Bed, and from thence flew
up into the Garret, and they could not get it out with a Hammer and
Mallet.
Sir, says another, to make good your Story, which I saw with my own
Eyes, that being with some others in an upper Room, one was then
opening a Bottle of Ale, and the Cork then flew up with such a
violence thorow the Top of the House, that it broke the Cieling and
Tiles also, and kill'd a Kite as he was flying just then over the
House; and the hole was so big which the Cork had made, that down fell
the Kite thorow the hole, and they, opening the Kite to see where she
was wounded, found two great Chickens in her Belly, which they sold
to pay for their Drink, and after that, would never drink in any other
Room in that House: but I don't know that it ever hapned so agen; for
these things, though there be truth in 'em, don't happen every day so.
[103.] A Woman very much addicted to Tipling, and having a Cup of a
large size, out of which she usually drank, and in which she never
left a drop, her Husband chid her for it, and said, It was not decent
for a Woman to drink so great a quantity: She told him, that the
Virgin _Mary_ being at the bottom of the Cup, she could not but admire
her beautiful Face: upon which he broke that Cup, and bought her
another something less, with the Devil painted at the bottom of it;
however, She always swallowed up all the Liquor in it; and being
repremanded again by her Husband for her excessive Drinking: Oh, says
she, I do it because the foul Fiend should not have one drop of it.
=No Money, no Friend.=
The Spendthrift he, when 'tis too late,
Laments his sad and Wretched state:
And all good Men he doth advise,
That they would Merry be and wise.
The Tune is { _All you that do desire to play_
{ _At Cards, to pass the time away_.
All you that freely spend your Coyn, [111.]
Come learn by this advice of mine;
That you no more so play the Fool,
Nor Tipple in the Fuddling-School:
For when that you have spent your store,
Your Host will turn you out o' th door.
This by experience I do know,
Who too too lately found it so:
Five hundred pound was left to me,
Which I consum'd immediately:
And when my Money was all gone,
I like an Ass was lookt upon.
While I had Gold and Silver store,
I thought the world did me adore:
For then each false dissembling Curr,
Would cry, your humble servant, Sir:
But now my Money is all spent,
Too late, poor Fool, I do lament.
[Illustration]
When I was in Prosperity,
Each Tap-lach[F. 218] that I passed by:
Would cringe and bow, and swear to be
My Servant to Eternity:
But now alas, my Money's gone,
And Servants I have never a one.
But now if to their house I go,
E're drink they draw, they'l surely know
If that my Pocket it will speak,
Which is enough my heart to break:
If not, then he who was my friend,
Out of the door soon will me send.
Oh, what a dreadful thing is this,
That I of all my Servants miss;
And those who did me oft invite,
To drink with them now do me slight:
But if again I Money get,
I surely then shall have more wit.
Yet is not spending all the Crime,
For idly then I spent my time,
And rather than Companions lack,
I'de pick up every Idle Jack:
And he that would me Master call,
Should me command, my Purse and all.
The Hostis she would flatter then,
And say I was a pretty Man:
And this so tickled then mine ear,
That I my praise so oft did hear:
Come hang't said I, giv's t'other Pot,
And thus I feasted every Sot.
At last I had no Money left,
And then was I of joys bereft;
My Host and Hostis they did frown,
And said I was a Drunken Clown:
So then was I dispis'd by all,
That me before did Master call.
From street to street as I did pass,
Folks cry'd, there goes a Drunken Ass,
Who not long since had Money store,
But now no Creature is more poor:
For Pots and Pipes made him so low,
That like a Beggar he doth go.
Then who would pitty such a one,
Who could not keep himself alone,
If Wife and Children he had had,
The case had then been far more sad:
But he no pitty doth deserve,
If for a bit of Bread he starve.
This is the pitty I do find,
That when I had it was so kind,
To him that said he was my friend,
I'de give him Wine and Money lend;
But now myself I have undone,
My Company all men do shun.
Let this my case a warning be,
That none may play the Fool like me:
A greater plague there cannot be,
Than falling from Prosperitie
Into a state so deadly low,
Your nearest friends will not you know.
Account your Money as your friend,
So shall you flourish to the end,
But when you come of friends to borrow,
It will but aggravate your sorrow:
To see how they will slight you then,
And say you are the worst of men.
Your Pot Companions will you slight,
In whom they once did take delight,
And while your Money it doth last
With Oaths they'l tye their friendship fast:
But when that you have wasted all,
Then from you will your Servants fall.
Such servants you may have good store,
Who help to eat you out of door,
And by their drinking in Excess,
Will help to make you Money less:
Then Young-men warning take by me,
That of my Money was too free.
This doth my Passion much provoke,
To think when I am like to Choake,
Those that I heretofore did feast,
They will not mind me in the least:
Nor make me drink, who once were proud,
To drink with me to be allow'd.
My Kindred and Relations near,
Who once did vow they lov'd me dear;
Will know me not, but me despise,
As loathsom to their scornful eyes:
For without Money there's no Friend,
And thus my Song in Woe doth End.