Printed for the Assignes of Thomas Symcocke.
[Footnote 169: ? Martin Parker.]
[77.] In the Country _Tarlton_ told his Hostesse he was a Conjurer. O,
Sir (sayes she) I had pewter stolne off my shelf the other day, help
me to it, and I will forgive you all the pots of Ale you owe mee,
which is sixteene dozen. Sayes _Tarlton_, To morrow morning the Divell
shall help you to it, or I will trounce him. Morning came, and the
Hostesse and he met in a roome by themselves. _Tarlton_, to passe
the time with exercise of his wit with circles and tricks, fals to
coniure, having no more skill than a dogge. But see the iest, how
contrarily it fell out: as he was calling out, _mons_, _pons_, _simul_
& _fons_, and such like, a Cat (unexpected) leapt from the gutter
window, which sight so amazed _Tarlton_, that he skipt thence, & threw
his Hostesse downe, so that he departed with his fellowes, and left
her hip out of joynt, being then in the Surgeons hands, & not daring
to tell how it came.
[4.] One ask'd a Fellow if he would go into the Water with him: No,
says he, I'll never go into the Water till I have learnt to Swim.
[26.] A Woman accidentally coming into the room where they were, and
hearing them speak of that Frost[F. 170] in _Germany_, told some such
stories; but when she saw the Company began to scruple at the truth
of it (which I wonder they did, if they consider but her following
discourse) then she up and told them That her dear and loving Husband,
peace be with him, was in that great Frost, out late one night, which,
truly, Gentlemen, I believe was the occasion of his death; though he
lingred Fourteen or Fifteen years after it; he, I say, riding
that night, came to a Common, where were great store of very good
Cole-pits, insomuch that he fell down to the bottom in one of them,
and his Horse fell directly upon him; that it was impossible at that
time of night, and in such weather, to be relieved in that great
distress; and, having lain so for a long time, and no hopes to be
relieved at all, he presently bethought himself, and immediately
rose, and went to the next Village, and there borrowed a Pickaxe and
a Spade, and then came back with 'em to the Pit, and first digged out
himself, and then his Horse, and so about Five a Clock in the Morning
came home; but so weary and so cold, that he could not unbutton his
Doublet: Nay, says she, after I had hope (_sic_) him off with all his
Cloaths: he was so benumb'd, that I was forc'd to take a Warming Pan
of hot Coles, and so went all over his body, yet was he so cold, that
he scarcely felt, though the Warming Pan sometimes stood a pretty
while together in one place; which truly, Gentlemen, I was fain to do
for my Dear Husband: which confirmed them in the belief of it, that it
was as true as any of the rest, and gave her thanks for it also, and
so she made them half a dozen reverend Courchys and bid 'em good by.
[Footnote 170: See ante, p. 259. (Footnote 160)]
_On a Cobler._
Death at a Coblers doore oft made a stand, [5.]
And alwaies found him on the mending hand;
At last came death in very foule weather,
And ript the soale from the upper leather:
Death put a trick upon him, and what was't?
The Cobler call'd for's awle, death brought his Laste.
[82.] There was a Scottish Gentleman that had sore eyes, who was
counselled by his Physitians to forbeare drinking of wine: but hee
said hee neither could nor would forbeare it, maintaining it for the
lesser evill, to shut up the windowes of his body, than to suffer the
house to fall downe, through want of repair.
[52.] In Gloucestershire dwelt one that cured frantick men in this
manner; when the fit was on them he would put them in a gutter of
water, some to the knees, some to the middle, and some to the neck, as
the disease was on them. So one that was well amended, standing at
the gate, by chance a Gentleman came riding by with his Hawks and his
Hounds. The mad fellow called him, and said, Gentleman, whether go
you? On hunting (quoth the Gentleman.) What do you with all those
Kites and Dogs? They be Hawks and Hounds, quoth the Gentleman.
Wherefore keep you them? (quoth the other). Why, (quoth he) for my
pleasure. What do they cost you a yeare to keepe them? Forty pounds
(quoth the Gentleman) And what do they profit you? (quoth he) Some ten
pounds (quoth the Gentleman) Get thee quickly hence, quoth the fellow,
for if my Master finde thee here, he will put thee into the gutter up
to the throat.
The next illustration is a scathing satire on the treatment of the
army in Ireland. Perhaps the tersest notice of the history of this
time is in _The Chronological Historian_, by W. Toone. "16 Feb. 1646.
The Parliament sent a Committee to form the Army for Ireland.--The
Commissioners found the Army not inclined to obey them."
The humble Petition of us the Parliaments poore Souldiers in
the Army of Ireland, whereof many are starved already, and
many dead for want of Chirurgions.
[Illustration]
[95.] That we the poor distressed Souldiery under the Parliaments
Service in Ireland, having heretofore served the Parliament under the
Lord Generall Essex, Valiant Massey, and noble Sir William Waller, and
the rest, &c, did in all faithfulnesse, hardship and desperate service
as ever any, hazzard our lives and fortunes, and did according to
order obey and disband, then not so much as doubting of all our
Arreares, and now have almost served you two years in all integrity
and faithfulnesse both Winter and Summer, wet and dry, frost and Snow,
having no other bedding than the bare ground for our beds, and the
skies for their covering, and when dry in the day and night, no other
signe to drink at but the Sun and Moone, and nothing but water, having
no plenty, but cold backs, hungrie bellies, and puddle water, and when
sore wounded, not a Surgeon to dresse us, or if a Surgeon, no chest,
nor salve, nor oyntments; and for bread many times not a loafe of two
pence under sixpence, and rotten Cheese sent, not fit for a dog, and
for butter, it went from London to Dover, and mistook Dublin and went
to Dunkirk, and for our new Cloathes all made of the French fashion,
and being too little for any of us, were carried to France to cloath
them, hardly hats to our heads but what our haire growes through, and
neither hose or shooes, doublet or breeches, tearing our Snapsacks to
patch a hole to hide our naked and starved flesh, and our swords naked
for want of scabberds: Thus with our backs without cloaths and our
bellies without food, and not a penny to buy anything, and the kernes
having burnt all the corne and destroyed all fit for succour, we
forced to march bare legged and bare footed, having neither fire nor
food, we perish in misery, and our Commanders being in a manner in the
same case, having nothing but good words to pay us with, shewing us
often your Orders upon Orders for our pay, plentifully promising
but not performing, and thus wee dropping downe dead daily in our
marching, and so feeble and so weak, being not able to fight or do any
more service without some supply, but all like to starve and die in
misery, when all meanes is anticipated, and the Tax of 60000l. wholly
ingrossed by your Army from us, and your Souldiery quartered in Kings
houses, and clad Gentile like, and fed in Free-quarter to the full,
and lie in good beds, and take their pleasure and ease in rest and
peace.
We humbly desire our hungry bellies may once be filled, and our naked
backs be cloathed, and our legs and feet be hosed and shooed, and our
Surgeons once more fitted, and all recruited with food to supply us
once more, that we may go out again to finish that work we have begun,
and not to lie like Drones to eat up others meat, and we do not doubt,
but with Gods blessing to give you a happy account of the Conquest of
the whole Land, and shall ever pray for a happy Parliament.
DUBLIN: Printed by _W. B._ _1648_ (_Feb. 18. 1647_).