Printed at London for H. G.
[Footnote 82: Strutting.]
[Footnote 83: Seize.]
_A Witty answer of a Countrey fellow._
[52.] A Country fellow walking London Streets, and gazing up and
down at every sight he saw, some mockt him, others pulled him by the
Cloake, in so much he could not passe in quiet. He having as much wit,
as the boyes knavery, thought hee would requite them for their kinde
salutations, with something to laugh at, and to try their wits; and,
comming to Paul's gate, where they sell pinnes and Needles, the boyes
being very saucie, pulled him by the cloake, and one said. What lacke
you friend? another, What lacke you Countryman? Quoth the fellow,
minding to make himself some sport, I want a hood for a Humble Bee,
or a payre of Spectacles for a blinde Beare: which so amazed the boy,
that he had nothing to reply, and the Countrey Man went laughing away.
[32.] What is that which 20 will goe into a Tankard, and one will fill
a Barn?
_Solution._ It is 20 Candles not lighted and one lighted.
A Sort of Clownes for loss which they sustain'd [51.]
By Souldiers, to the Captaine sore complain'd,
With dolefull wordes, and very woefull faces,
They Moov'd him to compassionate their Cases.
Good Sir (sayes one) I pray redress our wrong,
They that have done it, unto you belong;
Of all that eare we had we are bereft,
Except our very Shirts, theres nothing left.
The Captaine answer'd thus; Fellowes heare mee:
My Souldiers rob'd you not, I plainely see:
At your first speech, you made me somewhat sad,
But your last wordes resolv'd the doubt I had.
For they which rifled you left Shirts (you say)
And I am sure mine carry all away:
By this I know an errour you are in,
My Souldiers would have left you but your skin.
[4.] A brisk young Lady, seeing the Sheriff of a County who was a
comely young Man, wait upon the Judge who was an old Man, was asked
by one, which she had most mind to, the Judge or the Sheriff? She
answered, the Sheriff. He asking the reason, she replied, _That she
loved Judgement well, but Execution much better_.
One did praise dead Beer, [12.]
Says his Friend, I fear
That you have a Worm in your Head;
Why de'e praise dead Beer?
So must you too I swear,
We must all speak well of the dead.
[52.] It chanced, on a Bartholomew-day, when men keep Boothes in
Smithfield, a Countrey Gentleman having some Store of money (and no
lesse honesty) about him, comming to the Faire, would, amongst the
rest needes view the pictures at that time hanging in the Cloysters,
where was then much variety of postures, personages, stories,
landskips, and such like, which carieth away the Senses, to a kinde
of admiration for the present: and as he was thus gazing up and down,
there comes a nimble diver (as at that time there resorts many) and
closes with him, and quickly draws his purse forth of his pocket, and
away he hies him presently: the Gentleman mist his purse, but knew not
how to helpe himselfe. Going home to his lodging, and pondering in
his minde how either to regain his losses, or to be revenged on the
Pick-pocket, at length he bethought himself of this device: he caused
an honest Taylor to sew a certain number of Fish hookes within, and
round about the mouth of his pocket; with the poynts of the hookes
hanging downward, and the next day hies him to the same place, in
another Countrey like habit, and baites his Pocket with more money,
and there he stood gazing againe at the pictures, presently his former
fish (or one of his fraternity) closes with him again, and dives,
which the Gentleman being watchfull of, gives a slip aside and had
presently strucke the nibling fish into the hand, and feeling him
fast, begins to goe away, and the more he hastes away, the deeper the
hookes went into the Divers hand, Oh, (quoth the Pick-pocket) how now
Sir (quoth the Gentleman) what makes your hand in my Pocket? Pull it
out I say: Oh Sir (quoth he) I beseech you be good to me: The people
gathering together, imagined the Gentleman had an inchanted Pocket,
and that the fellow had not power to pull forth his hand again, they
would have him before the Justice. No (quoth the Gentleman) Ile carry
him myselfe, so away he went (with the fellowes hand in his Pocket) to
a Taverne, with two or three of his friends, and told him what he had
lost there the day before, and unlesse he would restore it, he
would have him before a Justice: which match the fellow for feare of
hanging, willingly condescended to surrender. And that ten pound, and
ten shillings more towards the mending of his Pocket: so the Gentleman
being well satisfied, ript forth his pocket, and away went the
Cutpurse, who had so much picking worke to get out of his hands, he
could not use his trade for a Moneth after.
[32.] I came to a tree where were apples, I eat no apples, I gave away
no apples, nor I left no apples behind me: and yet I eat, gave away,
and left behind me. _Solution._ There were three apples on the tree,
for I eat one apple, gave away one apple, and left one. So I eat no
apples, for I eat but one apple, which is no apples, and thus I gave
away no apples, for I gave but one, and thus I left no apples for I
left but one.
When _Crassus_ in his office was instal'd, [5.]
For summs of money, which he yet doth owe,
A client by the name of Clerk him Call'd,
As he next day to Westminster did go.
Which _Crassus_ hearing, whispers thus in's eare,
Sirrah, you now mistake, and much do erre,
That henceforth must the name of Clerke forbear,
And know I am become an Officer.
Alas (quoth he) I did not so much marke,
Good Mr Officer, that are no clerke.
[8.] When Sir _Thomas Moore_ lived in the City of _London_, being one
of the Justices of Peace, he used to go to the Sessions at _New-gate_,
where it fell out that one of the ancientest Justices of the Bench was
wont to chide the poor men whose purses had been cut, for not being
more careful; telling them their negligence was the cause that so
many cut-purses were brought thither, which when Sir _Thomas Moore_
observed him so often to repeat at one time, especially; the night
after, he sent for one of the chief Cut-purses that was in prison, and
promised to save him harmless, and stand his friend too, if he would
cut the aforesaid Justices Purse the next day as he sate on the Bench,
and then presently make a sign of it to him: the fellow very gladly
promiseth him to do it the next day; therefore, when they sate again,
that Thief was called among the first, who, being accused of his fact,
said he did not doubt but that he could sufficiently excuse himself,
if he were permitted to speak to some of the Bench in private. He was
therefore bid to chuse one who he would, and presently he chose that
grave old man, who then had his pouch at his girdle, as they wore them
in those dayes; and whilst he whispered him in the ear, he cunningly
cut his purse, and then solemnly taking his leave, returns to his
place. Sir _Thomas_ knowing by a private sign, that the business was
dispatcht, presently took occasion to move the Bench to distribute
some alms to a poor needy fellow that was there, and for good example
began himself to do it; when the old man came to open his purse,
and sees it cut away, and, much wondering, said he was confident he
brought it with him when he came thither that morning, Sir _Thomas_
replied presently, _What! will you charge any of us with felony?_ But
his choler rising, and he being ashamed of the thing, Sir _Thomas_
calls the Cut-purse and bids him give him his purse again, and withal
advised the good old Justice hereafter _Not to be so bitter a censurer
of innocent mens negligence, when as himself could not secure his
purse in that open assembly_.
A merry Jest of _John Tomson_ and _Jakaman_ his Wife
Whose Jealousie was justly the cause of all their strife.