[18.] One being set upon by Robbers at five a Clock in the Morning,
_Gentlemen_, says he to 'em, _you open Shop very early to day_.
Mr _Hill_ he did say [12.]
H _non est litera_,
But a note of aspiration still;
Now I think on't better,
If it be not a letter,
With him it will go very ill.
_On_ Galla _going to the Bath_.
When _Galla_ for her health goes to the Bath, [14.]
She carefully doth hide, as is most meet,
With aprons of fine linnen or a sheet,
Those parts that modesty concealed hath;
Nor only those, but even the breast and neck,
That might be seen or shown without all check;
But yet one foul and unbeseeming place.
She leaves uncovered still; what's that? her face.
[8.] There was one that died greatly in Debt, when it was reported in
some company, where divers of his Creditors were, that he was dead;
one began to say in good faith, then he hath Carried five hundred
ducates of mine with him into the other world; and another of them
said, and two hundred of mine; and some others spake of several sums
of theirs: whereupon one that was amongst them said, _Well, I see now,
that though a man cannot carry any of his own with him, into the other
world, yet he may carry other mens_.
A Welshman and an Englishman disputed, [5.]
Which of their Lands maintain'd the greatest state,
The Englishman the Welshman quite confuted,
Yet would the Welshman nought his brags abate:
Ten Cooks, quoth he, in Wales one wedding sees;
Truth quoth the other, each man tosts his cheese.
'Fore a Justice was brought [12.]
One for a great fault;
Y'are an errant Dog, Rogue, says he;
Sir, I am no Dog,
Nor so errant a Rogue.
As your Worship ---- takes me to be.
[17.] A Western Lady was very Hospitable to many Gentlemen, and it
happened a Knight came thither; and being a great House-wife, early in
the Morning she called to her maids, and ask'd whether the Pigs were
served; which the Knight hearing, said before the Gentlewoman at
dinner, Madam are the Pigs served? Sir, says she, _I know not whether
you have had your breakfast yea or no_.
My love and I for kisses play'd [5.]
She would keep stakes, I was content,
And when I wonne, she would be payd;
This made me aske her what she meant,
Sayth she, since you are in this wrangling vaine,
Take you your kisses, and give me mine againe.
_On a farmer knighted._
In my conceit Sir _John_, you were to blame, [5.]
To make a quiet good wife, a mad dame.
[26.] Some Gentlemen were sitting at a Coffee-house together, one was
asking what News there was? T'other told him, There was forty thousand
Men rose to day, which made them all stare about, and asked him to
what end they rose, and what did they intend? Why faith, says he, only
to go to bed at Night again.
_Of Milo the Glutton._
_Milo_ with haste to cram his greedy gut, [6.]
One of his thumbs into the bone had cut.
Then straight, it noysed was about by some,
That he had lost his stomacke with his thumbe.
To which one said. No worse hap fall unto him,
But, if a poore man finde it, 'twill undo him.
[18.] A Person of Quality owed a Gentleman a Thousand Pounds. Meeting
together in a fair Road, where both their Coaches went a good rate;
the first looking out of the Coach called to the Gentleman, and begged
a thousand Excuses. _And I beg_, said the Gentleman presently, _a
thousand Pounds._
A Pleasant new Ballad you here may behold,
How the Devill, though subtle, was guld by a Scold.
To the Tune of _The Seminary Priest_.
[Illustration]
Give eare my loving Country-men [31.]
that still desire newes,
Nor passe not while you heare it sung,
or else the song peruse:
For ere you heare it, I must tell
my newes, it is not common,
But Ile unfold a trueth betwixt
a Devill and a woman.
_Tom Thumb_ is not my subiect,
whom Fairies oft did aide,
Nor that mad spirit _Robin_
that plagues both wife and maid
Nor is my song satyricke like,
invented against no man,
But onely of a pranke betwixt
a Devill and a woman.
* * * * *
A woman well in yeares
liv'd with a husband kinde
Who had a great desire
to live content in minde,
But twas a thing impossible
to compasse his desire
For night and day with scolding
she did her husband tire.
With roughish, lowtish clowne,
despight thee Ile be wilde,
Doest thou think I marryed thee
to use thee like a childe,
And set thee on my lap,
or humour what you speake?
Before Ile be so fond,
thy very heart Ile breake.
Why, loving wife, quoth he,
Ile never doe thee wrong,
So thoul't be rul'd by me,
and onely hold thy tongue.
And when I come from worke,
wilt please at board and bed;
Doe this my loving wife
and take all being dead.
Marke well, quoth she, my words
what ere you speak me to,
By faire meanes or by foule,
the contrary Ile doe.
According to her speech,
this man led such a life,
That oft he wish't the Devill
to come and fetch his wife.
Had he bid her goe homely,
why then she would goe brave,
Had he cal'd her good wife,
she cal'd him rogue and slave;
Bade he, wife goe to Church,
and take the fairest pew,
Shee'd goe unto an Alehouse,
and drinke, lye downe and spew.
The Devill being merry
with laughing at this mirth,
Would needs from hell come trotting,
to fetch her from the earth;
And coming like a horse,
did tell this man his minde,
Saying, Set her but astride my backe,
Ile hurry her through the winde.
Kinde Devill quoth the man,
if thou a while will wait,
Ile bid her doe that thing
shall make her backe thee straight
And here Ile make a vow
for all she is my wife,
Ile never send for her againe
whilest I have breath or life.
Content, the Devill cry'd,
then to his wife goes he
Good wife, goe lead that horse
so black and fair you see.
Goe leade, sir Knave, quoth she
and wherefore not goe ride?
She took the Devill by the reines,
and up she goes astride.
The Devill neighed lowd,
and threw his heeles i' th' ayre,
Kick, in the Devill's name, quoth she,
a shrew doth never fear.
Away to hell he went,
with this most wicked scold,
But she did curbe him with the bit,
and would not loose her hold.
The more he cry'd, Give way,
the more she kept him in,
And kickt him so with both her heeles,
that both his sides were thin.
Alight, the Devill cry'd,
and quick the bridle loose,
No I will ride (quoth she)
whiles thou hast breath or shooes.
Again she kickt and prickt,
and sate so stiffe and well,
The Devill was not so plagu'd
a hundred years in hell.
For pitty light (quoth he)
thou put'st me to much paine,
I will not light, (quoth she)
till I come home againe.
The Devill shewed her all
the paines within that place,
And told her that they were
ordain'd for Scolds so base.
Being bereft of breath,
for scolding tis my due,
But whilest I live on earth
Ile be reveng'd on you.
Then did she draw her knife,
and gave his eare a slit,
The Devill never felt
the like from mortall yet.
So fearing further danger,
he to his heeles did take,
And faster than he came,
he poast hast home did make.
Here take her (quoth the Devill)
to keep her here be bold,
For hell would not be troubled
with such an earthly scold.
When I come home, I may
to all my fellowes tell,
I lost my labour and my bloud
to bring a scold to hell.
The man halfe dead did stand,
away the Devill hyde,
Then since the world, nor hell,
can well a Scold abide:
To make a saile of ships
let husbands fall to worke,
And give their free consents
to send them to the Turke.
Then honest wives and maides,
and widdowes of each sort,
Might live in peace and rest,
and Silence keep her court,
Nor would I have a scold,
one penny here bestow,
But honest men and wives
buy these before you goe.