London. Printed for RICHARD HARPER[F. 18] in Smithfield.
[Footnote 15: A Stand of Ale was a beer barrel set on end.]
[Footnote 16: Guests.]
[Footnote 17: Of Humphrey Crowch or Crouch little is known,
but we know he published many ballads and books of the
chap-book order; among the former is the Mad Man's Morrice,
and among the latter is England's Jests refin'd. He certainly
wrote from 1637 to 1687.]
[Footnote 18: Richard Harper published from 1635 to 1642.]
[8.] _Jack Roberts_ was desired by his Taylour, when the reckoning
grew somewhat high, to have a Bill of his hand. _Roberts_ said, I am
content, but you must let no man know it; when the Taylour brought him
the Bill, he tore it as in choler, and said to him, _You use me not
well, you promised me that no man should know it, and here you have
put in: Be it known unto all Men by these Presents_.
[1.] A Certain Butcher was flaying a Calf at night and had stuck a
lighted Candle upon his head, because he would be the quicker about
his business, and when he had done, he thought to take the same Candle
to light him to bed: but he had forgot where he had set it, and sought
about the House for it, and all the while it stuck in his Cap upon his
head, and lighted him in seeking it. At the last one of his fellows
came and asked him what he sought for? Marry, (quoth he) I look for
the Candle which I did flay the Calf withal. Why, thou fool, qd. he,
thou hast a Candle in thy Cap: and then he felt towards his Cap, and
took away the Candle burning, whereat there was great laughing and he
mocked for his labour, as he was well worthy.
A rich man, and's Wife, [12.]
Were every day at strife,
And each wisht t'other in the Grave;
But their good Son and Heir
Begg'd God grant their Prayer,
That both their desires they might have.
One _Hart_, that was Wild [12.]
Got a woman with Child,
But the Justice did take his part;
Then she cry'd and did mumble,
Sayes the Justice de'e grumble?
No, I grieve, Sir, and lay it to _Hart_.
[4.] Just after the late Kings Restauration, when going to Church came
to be in fashion, an old Woman was advised by her Neighbours to go
to Church; for fear of being Presented, she was resolved to go once a
month to save her Bacon: So Dressing herself very fine, she came
into the Church, just at the Expiration of the Letany, and the Parson
having said, _Lord have Mercy upon us_, and then the People Responding
thereto, she Cryed out aloud, _I never was here before in my Life, and
since you make such a Wonderment at it I will never come again_.
_On Sextus._
Sextus doth wish his wife in heaven were [5.]
Where can shee have more happines than there?
_The Rurall Dance about the_ May-pole.[F. 19]
_The Tune the first Figure dance at_ Mr Young's Ball _in_ May 1671
Come lasses and ladds, [13.]
Take leave of your Dadds,
And away to the _May-pole_ hey;
For every he
Has got him a she
With a Minstrill standing by.
For _Willy_ has gotten his _Jill_,
And _Jonny_ has got his _Jone_,
To jigg it, jigg it, jigg it, jigg it,
Jigg it up and down.
Strike up sayes _Wat_
Agreed sayes _Kate_,
And I prethee Fidler play,
Content sayes _Hodge_,
And so sayes _Madge_,
For this is a Holliday.
Then every man did put
His Hat off to his Lasse,
And every Girle did curchy,
Curchy, curchy on the Grasse.
Begin sayes _Hall_.
[F. 20] I. I says _Mall_
Wee'l lead up _Packingtons_[F. 21] pound
No, no, says _Noll_
And so says _Doll_
Wee'l first have _Sellengers_[F. 22] round:
Then every man began
To foot it round about,
And every Girle did jet it,
Jet it, jet it in and out
Y'are out, says _Dick_,
'Tis a lye, says _Nick_,
The Fidler play'd it false;
'Tis true says _Hugh_,
And so says _Sue_,
And so says nimble _Alice_;
The Fidler then began
To play the Tune agen,
And every Girle did trip it,
Trip it, trip it to the men.
Let's kiss says _Jane_,
Content, says _Nan_
And so says every she
How many says _Batt_,
Why three says _Matt_,
For that's a maiden's fee;
But they instead of three
Did give 'em halfe a score,
And they in kindnesse gave 'em,
Gave 'em, gave 'em as many more.
Then after an hour,
They went to a bower,
And play'd for Ale and Cakes,
And kisses too
Untill they were due,
The Lasses kept the stakes.
The Girles did then begin
To quarrel with the men,
And bid 'em take their kisses back
And give 'em their own agen.
Yet there they sate
Until it was late
And tyr'd the Fidler quite,
With singing and playing
Without any paying,
From morning untill night.
They told the fidler then,
They'd pay him for his play,
And each a 2 pence, 2 pence, 2 pence,
Gave him and went away.
[Footnote 19: For tune see Appendix.]
[Footnote 20: Ay, ay.]
[Footnote 21: This tune certainly was known in Queen
Elizabeth's time, for it occurs in her Virginal book, and
Chappell says, "It probably took its name from Sir John
Packington, commonly called 'lusty Packington,' the same who
wagered that he would swim from the Bridge at Westminster,
_i.e._ Whitehall Stairs, to that at Greenwich for the sum of
£3000. 'But the good Queen, who had particular tenderness for
handsome fellows, would not permit Sir John to run the hazard
of the trial.'"]
[Footnote 22: Or St. Leger's round, was thought by Sir John
Hawkins to be the oldest country dance now extant, and is to
be found in Queen Elizabeth's Virginal book.]
[4.] A Minister finding his Parishioners to be Ignorant, was resolv'd
to Examine and Instruct them at home; so going to an Ancient Womans
House, amongst other Questions, he asked her how many Commandments
there were? She told him she could not tell: he told her there were
Ten: Whereat she replied, _A Jolly Company! God Bless you and them
both together._ Well, but, Neighbour, (says he) Do you think you can
keep these Commandments? _Ah! God bless you, Sir_, (said she) _I am a
poor Woman, and can hardly keep my self; I hope you will not put me to
the Charge of keeping any of the Commandments for you_.
_On Charismus._
Thou hast compos'd a book, which neither age [5.]
Nor future time shall hurt through all their rage,
For how can future times or age invade
That work, which perished as soone as made.
A man did surmise [12.]
That another mans eyes
Were both of a different frame;
For if they had been Matches,
Then, alas, poor wretches,
His Nose would a set 'em in a flame.
[8.] Master _Mason_ of _Trinity_ Colledge, sent his Pupil to another
of the Fellows to borrow a Book of him, who told him _I am loath to
lend my Books out of my Chamber, but if it please thy Tutor to come
and read upon it in my Chamber, he shall as long as he will_. It was
winter, and some daies after the same Fellow sent to Mr _Mason_ to
borrow his Bellows, but Master _Mason_ said to his Pupil, _I am loath
to lend my Bellows out of my Chamber, but if thy Tutor would come and
blow the Fire in my Chamber he shall as long as he will_.
_Of a drunken Smith._
I heard that _Smug_ the Smith for Ale and Spice, [6.]
Sold all his tooles, and yet he kept his Vice.
When Lynus meetes me, after Salutations, [6.]
Curtesies, complements, and gratulations,
He presseth me unto the third deniall,
To lend him twenty shillings or a ryall;[F. 23]
But, with his curt'sies, of his purpose fayling
He goes behind my backe cursing and railing.
Foole, thy kind speeches cost thee not a penny,
And more foole I, if they should cost me enny.
[Footnote 23: Value ten shillings.]
[4.] A Minister going to one of his Parishioners he asked her, who
made her? She reply'd, She did not know: A Child standing by, he
asked him the same Question, who Answered, God; whereupon the Parson
Reproving the Old Woman, told her it was a shame that she should be
so Ignorant, who had lived to those Years, and that little Child could
tell. _Marry_, quoth she, _I am an old Woman, and have been made a
great while, and he was made but t'other day, he may well tell who
made him_.
I went to the Tavern, and then, [13.]
I went to the Tavern, and then,
I had good store of Wine,
And my Cap full of coyne
And the world went well with me then, then,
And the world went well with me then.
I went to the Tavern agen
When I ran on the score
And was turn'd out o' th' door
And the world went ill with me then, then, &c.
When I was a Batchelor then,
I had a Saddle and a Horse,
And I took my own Course,
And the world went well with me then, then &c.
But when I was marry'd, O then
My Horse and my Saddle
Were turn'd to a Cradle,
And the world went ill with me then, then, &c.
When I brought her home mony, then
She never would pout,
But clip me about,
And the world went well with me then, then, &c.
But when I was drunk, O then,
She'd kick, she'd fling,
Till she made the house ring,
And the world went ill with me then, then &c.
So I turn'd her away, and then,
I got me a Miss
To Clip and to kiss,
And the world went ill with me then, then &c.
I took my wife home agen,
But I chang'd her note
For I cut her throat.
And the world went well with me then, then, &c.
But when it was known, O then,
In a two wheeld Charret
To _Tiburn_ I was carry'd,
And the world went ill with me then, then, &c.
But when I came there, O then,
They forc't me to swing
To heaven in a string.
And the world went well with me then, then &c.
[1.] There was a man in the Country, who had not been any far
Traveller, and dwelt far from any Church except a Church that was
seven or eight miles from his house, and there they never sung Mass
nor Even song, but did ever say it. And on a time he came to _London_,
having never been here before, & being in _London_ he went to _Pauls_
Church, & went into the Chappel, where they sung Mass with Organs, and
when he heard the melody of the Organs and the singing together, that
he never heard before, he thought he should have gone to Heaven by and
by, and looked, and said aloud that every one heard, O Lord, shall
I go to heaven presently? I would thou wouldest let me alone till
I might go home and fetch my white stick and black hood, and then I
would go gladly with thee. Where at all the people laughed heartily.
_Sorte tuâ contentus._
If adverse fortune bring to passe [5.]
And will that thou an asse must bee,
Then be an asse, and live an asse,
For out of question wise is hee
That undergoes with humble mind
The state that chance hath him assign'd.
A Fellow told his Friends. [12.]
That a Pudding had two ends;
But that's a lye, sayes another;
Do but think agen,
And you'l find it begin
At one end, and ends at t'other.
If that from Glove you take the letter G [14.]
Then glove is love, and that I send to thee.
[15.] THE JOLLY WELSH WOMAN
Who drinking at the Sign of the _Crown_ in _London_, found a Spring
in her Mugg, for Joy of which hur Sung the praise of Old _England_
resolving never to return to _Wales_ again.
Tune of, _Hey brave_ Popery &c.
Licensed according to Order.
There was an Old woman came out of North Wales,
And up to fair London her merrily Sails,
It was for her pleasure Cuts-plutter-a-nails
_Sing O brave_ Welsh _Woman_, _Jolly brave_ Welsh _Woman_,
_Delicate_ Welsh _Woman_. _O._
As soon as hur came into fair _London_ town
Hur went to an Alehouse the sign of the Crown,
In order to tipple hur streight did sit down.
_Sing O brave_ &c.
Hur being a weary and willing to rest,
Hur would not be one of the worst of the guest,
But call'd for a Pitcher of Ale of the best.
_Sing O brave_ &c.
[Illustration]
The Tapster then giving the Jugg in her hand,
The _Welsh_ woman streight on hur feet she did stand,
And drank a good health to hur King of England.
_Sing O brave_ &c.
Now while she had gotten the jugg at her snout,
And being both lusty, courageous and stout,
Hur gave it a tug, till hur swigg'd it half out.
_Sing O brave_ &c.
The Tapster he see her to be of that strain,
And how she did tipple the Liquor amain,
Thought he, I will fill up thy pitcher again.
_Sing O brave_ &c.
The jugg hur had plac'd on the Bench by her side,
To which the young tapster did cunningly slide,
And fill'd it as if it had been a full tide.
_Sing O brave_ &c.
Now hur did not know how her pitcher did fill,
Therefore hur did say with a merry good will
Here's Tipple and drink, and her Pitcher full still.
_Sing O brave_ England &c.
The praise of this Nation Cuts-plut her will sing,
Hur never had known such a wonderful thing,
The juggs in this land has a delicate Spring.
_Sing O brave_ England &c.
Once more she saluted the lips of her Mugg,
And gave it a hearty and dextrous tugg,
The Tapster once more he did fill up her jugg.
_Sing O brave_ England &c.
The Liquor up into her Noddle did steel,
The Floor with her feet hur hardly could feel,
So that hur began for to stagger and reel.
_Sing O brave_ England &c.
Hur swore hur would never to _Wales_ any more,
For hur has tasted Rich liquor good store,
The like in all _Wales_ hur had neer drank before,
_Sing O brave_ England &c.
Hereafter hur never will honour the Leek,
This was the best Nation as e're hur did seek,
Here's liquor of life that will make a Cat speak.
_Sing O brave_ England &c.
In praise of this liquor, hur Cap up she flung,
For why, it Created an Eloquent Tongue,
Besides it will make an Old Woman look young,
_Sing O brave Nappy Ale, Delicate Nappy Ale,
Dainty fine Nappy Ale._
[1.] In the country dwelt a Gentlewoman who had a French man dwelling
with her and he did ever use to go to Church with her, and upon a time
he and his Mistresse were going to Church and she bad him pull the
doore after him and follow her to the Church, and so he took the doore
betweene his armes, and lifted it from the hooks, and followed his
Mistresse with it: But when she looked behinde her and saw him bring
the doore upon his back, Why, thou foolish knave, qd. she, what wilt
thou do with the door? Marry Mistresse, qd. he, you bad me pull the
doore after me. Why, qd. she, I did command thee that thou shouldest
make fast the doore after thee, and not bring it upon thy back after
me. But after this, there was much good sport and laughing at his
simplicity and foolishnesse therein.
_On a Watch lost in a Tavern._
A Watch lost in a Tavern? that's a Crime, [14.]
You know how men in drinking lose there time:
A Watch keeps time, and if time pass away,
There is small reason that the Watch should stay.
The key hung out, and you forgot to lock it,
Time scorns to be kept tame in any pocket.
Hereafter if you keep't, thus must you do,
Pocket your Watch, and watch your pockets too.
_Of a Precise Taylor._
A Taylor thought a man of upright dealing, [16.]
True, but for lying, honest but for stealing,
Did fall one day extreamly sicke by chance,
And on the sudden was in wondrous trance.
The Fiends of hell mustring in fearfull manner,
Of Sundry Coloured silkes displayed a Banner,
Which he had stolne, and wish't as they did tell
That one day he might finde it all in hell.
The man affrighted at this apparition
Upon recovery grew a great Precisian.
He bought a Bible of the new Translation,
And in his life he shew'd great reformation;
He walked mannerly, and talked meekely,
He heard three Lectures, and two Sermons weekely:
He vowed to shunne all companies unruly,
And in his speech he used none oath, but truly.
And zealously to keepe the Sabboths rest,
His meat for that day, on the e've was drest,
And least the custome that he had to steale,
Might cause him sometime to forget his zeale,
He gives his journeyman a speciall charge,
That if the stuffe allow'd fell out too large,
And that to filch his fingers were inclin'd,
He then should put the Banner in his minde.
This done, I scant can tell the rest for laughter,
A Captaine of a ship came three daies after,
And brought three yards of Velvet, and three Quarters
To make Venetians[F. 24] down below the garters.
He that precisely knew what was enuffe,
Soone slipt away three quarters of the stuffe.
His man espying it, said in derision,
Remember, Master, how you saw the vision.
Peace (knave) quoth he, I did not see one ragge
Of such a coloured silke in all the flagge.
[Footnote 24: Trunk hose.]
[8.] A Notorious Rogue being brought to the Bar, and knowing his case
to be desperate, instead of pleading, he took to himself the liberty
of jesting, and thus said, _I charge you in the Kings name to seise
and take away that man_ (meaning the Judge) _in the red Gown, for I go
in danger of my life because of him_.
_On a gentleman that married an heire privately at the Tower._
The angry Father hearing that his childe [5.]
Was stoln, married, and his hopes beguild;
('Cause his usurious nature had a thought
She might have bin to greater fortunes brought:)
With rigid looks, bent brows, and words austere,
Ask'd his forc'd son in law how he did dare
Thus beare his onely daughter to be married;
And by what Cannons he assumed such power?
He sayd, the best in England, sir, the Tower.
_Of_ Galla's _goodly Periwigge_.
You see the goodly hayre that _Galla_ weares, [16.]
'Tis certain her own hayr, who would have thought it?
She sweares it is her owne; and true she sweares,
For hard by Temple-barre last day she bought it.
So faire a haire, upon so foule a forehead,
Augments disgrace, and showes the grace is borrow'd.
[17.] Several Gentlemen were at dinner together, and one of them was a
Parson; among the Dishes one was a Pig, but 'twas very lean; Then they
concluded that it was only fit for the Parson, being a spiritual Pig,
for it had no flesh upon it.
_An Invitation to Lubberland._
with
An Account of the great Plenty
of that Fruitful Country.
There's all sorts of Fowl and Fish,
with Wine and store of Brandy,
Ye have there what your Hearts can wish,
the Hills are Sugar Candy.