I have often thought of recording some of the mercies of my God--the
experience of his goodness to my soul. I was fond of the gaieties and
follies of the world until about fifteen years of age, when I became
awakened to the needs of my soul. In all former seasons when God called
me, I was unwilling to part with the vanities of the world or to bear
the reproach of the cross. I wanted the Christian's safety without his
duties and crosses, but I now fell at the Savior's feet and inquired
with trembling, anxious words: "Lord, what shall I do? I will part with
everything or do anything for an interest in Jesus."
I do not recollect deep conviction for any particular sin, but sorrow
that I had lived so long in neglect of God, not being willing to
acquaint myself with him who is the fountain of all blessedness. I did
not obtain an evidence of pardon and acceptance for about three weeks,
though I sought it with prayer and tears. My burden had become exceeding
heavy, too heavy for my strength, and I sank to the floor. While
kneeling there I was absorbed in contemplation of the glories of the
heavenly world. In an instant darkness, sorrow, and mourning fled away,
and peace unspeakable and full of glory took their place. I rose to my
feet to sing and rejoice in the name of my dear Redeemer.
I was away from home with a family who were not Christians, though
amiable, kind friends. I said nothing to them, but they had noticed my
distress and now observed the happy change. Among my private writings
I find the transaction thus recorded:
"January 13, 1805.--I have this day publicly devoted myself to the
service of God and entered into a solemn covenant with the eternal King
of heaven to renounce the sinful pleasures of the world, with whatever
is displeasing in his pure and holy eyes; to walk in his commandments
and ordinances; to seek his glory and the best interests of his church
here below; and in confidence of well-doing, to look forward to a happy
inheritance with the saints in light."
For a season I thought I was dead to the world, but did not persevere
in that course of consecration, which alone secures unwavering hope.
As I was the only young person in the neighborhood who professed
religion amid a large society, naturally amiable and loved, I had many
temptations to return to folly, which I mainly resisted; but sometimes
I went with them instead of endeavoring to bring them all to Christ.
Here I first experienced a diminution of my happiness. I could not go
from the circle of my folly to my closet and find my Savior and hold
sweet communion with him, but with adoring wonder, I remember that
when I repented, he forgave me. When I returned to him, he healed my
backslidings and loved me freely.
After I was married, I was anxious to train my children in the ways of
the Lord, but through many cares and on account of having to work very
hard, I neglected their early religious instruction. I found that I
needed a deeper work of grace in my heart, and when for the time I ought
to be a teacher, I had need that one teach me again the first principles
of the oracles of God. My prayer was, "Create in me a clean heart, O
God, and renew a right spirit within me." I wanted to be freed from sin
and thoroughly cleansed from all iniquity, so that I should never vex or
grieve him more.
For something more than a year I suffered much from the buffetings
and temptations of Satan. I knew that Jesus was near and sustained me
in those conflicts, although it seemed that he had left me alone to
contend with the powers of darkness. In the midst of these trials I had
temptations of rebellion against God to call him unjust, to reproach him
for creating me. The temptations came to "contradict him." I did it,
but oh, the horror of that moment! Until then I had resisted every
temptation, as I thought, but now a worm crushed to the earth beneath
the mountain weight of its sins had dared to rise in the face of
infinite wisdom and excellence and contradict him. This, I thought, must
be the sin for which there is no forgiveness. But I could weep tears of
penitence; could sink at his feet and own it just. What less could his
insulted majesty and purity do than crush the rebel worm! But he did not
do it. Not even a frown was upon his gracious brow. It seemed that there
was salvation for every sinner who had not, like me, contradicted him
and thereby made him a liar. I contemplated the glorious character of
God and concluded that unless I could find evidence that my sin was
against the Holy Ghost, I should only be repeating that dreadful sin
while I refused to believe the promises intended for me when penitent.
I retired with my Bible spread open before me and, kneeling down, read
and prayed over the chapters in Hebrews which represent the blessed
Savior as our sacrifice and high priest. In the twenty-fifth verse of
the seventh chapter I found this assurance: "He is able to save them to
the uttermost that come unto God by him, seeing he ever liveth to make
intercession for them." Here was something to meet my case. "To the
uttermost" I had insulted him, but "to the uttermost" he could save.
I believed and here my soul entered into rest. I embraced the promises,
rich and boundless, as my own. In Christ Jesus they are all there for
me. I felt and said with heaven-born confidence, "This is firm footing;
this is solid rock. My feet are placed upon it to remove no more." The
view was not transporting or rapturous like my first conversion (if so
it may be called), but calm, delightful, "strong consolation," firmer
than the everlasting hills because founded on the immutable Word and
oath of God in Christ. It was "hope as an anchor to the soul, both sure
and stedfast, and which entereth into that within the veil."
Eleven years have passed since, and my peace has been like a river. In
the world, to be sure, I have had tribulation and expect to have, for
Jesus told me I should; but, blessed be his name! in him I have peace.
I love the subject of Christian perfection, or entire sanctification
in this life; but I have not been fully able to reach the point to
obtain that deeper experience. Yet I believe I perfectly desire to do
the will of God. May God bless the efforts of all dear brethren who are
laboring to promote the sanctification of believers.