XIII

Original AS a nation I can't bear 'em--individually, I like 'em fairly well,' read out Lady Torquilin from a letter at breakfast. 'Bless me!' my friend went on, 'she's talking about Americans, and she's coming to see "your specimen"--meaning you, child--this very afternoon.'

So she did. She came to see me that very afternoon--the lady who

couldn't bear us as a nation, but individually liked us fairly well. Her

name was Corke, and she belonged, Lady Torquilin said, to the Corkes. I

heard all about her before she came. She was a lady of moderate

income, unmarried, about ten years older than I was. She knew all about

everything.

'You never saw such a reader, my dear! I won't say it happens often,

for that it does not, but Peter Corke has made me feel like a perfect

ignoramus.'

'Peter Corke?' I said, with some surprise.

'Too ridiculous, I call it! Her proper name is Catharine Clarissa,

but she hates her proper name--sensible girl as she is in every other

way--prefers Peter! And if she happens to take a fancy to you, she will

tell you all manner of interesting things. For old holes and corners, I

always say, go to Peter Corke.'

'I'm glad,' I said, 'that she likes us, individually, fairly well--it's

the only way in which I would have any chance! But she won't like my

accent.'

'If she doesn't,' Lady Torquilin said, 'I promise you she'll tell you.

And you won't mind a bit.'

When Miss Corke arrived I forgot entirely about the doubtfulness of her

liking me--I was too much absorbed in liking her. She was rather a small

person, with a great deal of dignity in her shoulders and a great deal

of humour in her face--the most charming face I have seen in England,

and I can't even make an exception in favour of the Princess of Wales.

I may tell you that she had delightful twinkling brown eyes, and hair a

shade darker, and the colour and health and energy that only an English

woman possesses at thirty, without being in the least afraid that

you could pick her out in the street, or anywhere--she would not like

that--and being put in print, so that people would know her, at all;

it's a thing I wouldn't do on any account, knowing her feelings. It is

only because I am so well convinced that I can't tell you what she was

like that I try, which you may consider a feminine reason, if you want

to. Miss Peter Corke's personality made you think at once of Santa Claus

and a profound philosopher--could you have a more difficult combination

to describe than that? While you listened to a valuable piece of advice

from her lips you might be quite certain that she had an orange for you

in the hand behind her back; and however you might behave, you would get

the orange. Part of her charm was the atmosphere of gay beneficence she

carried about with her, that made you want to edge your chair closer to

wherever she was sitting; and part of it was the remarkable interest she

had in everything that concerned you--a sort of interest that made

you feel as if such information as you could give about yourself was

a direct and valuable contribution to the sum of her knowledge of

humanity; and part of it was the salutary sincerity of everything she

had to say in comment, though I ought not to forget her smile, which

was a great deal of it. I am sure I don't know why I speak of Miss Peter

Corke in the past tense, however. She is not dead--or even married; I

cannot imagine a greater misfortune to her large circle of friends in

London.

'Two lumps, please,' begged Miss Corke of me in the midst of a

succession of inquiries about Lady Torquilin's cough, whether it could

possibly be gout, or if she had been indulging in salmon and

cucumber lately, in which case it served her perfectly right. 'What a

disappointment you are! Why don't you ask me if I like it with all the

trimmings?'

'The trimmings?' I repeated.

'Certainly! the sugar and milk! Fancy being obliged to explain

Americanisms to an American!' said Miss Corke to Lady Torquilin.

'Is trimmings an Americanism?' I asked. 'I never heard it before. But I

dare say it is an expression peculiar to Boston, perhaps.'

'You had better not have any doubt,' said Miss Corke, with mock

ferocity, 'of anything you hear in England.'

'I've heard fixings often at home,' I declared, 'but never trimmings.'

'Oh!' remarked Miss Corke, genially; 'then fixings is the correct

expression.'

'I don't know,' I said, 'about its being the correct expression. Our

washerwoman uses it a good deal.'

'Oh!' said Miss Corke, with an indescribable inflection of amusement;

and then she looked at me over the top of her teacup, as much as to say,

'you had better not go too far!'

'Are your father and mother living?' she asked; and just then I noticed

that it was twenty minutes past four by the clock. I answered Miss Corke

in the affirmative, and naturally I was glad to be able to; but I have

often wondered since why that invariable interest in the existence or

non-existence of a person's parents should prevail in England as it

does. I have seldom been approached by any one in a spirit of kindly

curiosity with a different formula. 'Any brothers and sisters?' Miss

Corke went on. 'When did you come? Where did you go first? How long do

you mean to stay? What have you seen? Did you expect us to be as we are,

or do we exceed your expectations? Have you ever travelled alone before?

Are you quite sure you like the feeling of being absolutely independent?

Don't you love our nice old manners and customs? and won't you wish when

you get back that you could put your President on a golden throne, with

an ermine robe, and a sceptre in his right hand?'

Miss Corke gave me space between these questions for brief answers, but

by the time I looked at the clock again, and saw that it was twenty-five

minutes past four, to the best of my recollection, she had asked me

twelve. I liked it immensely--it made conversation so easy; but I

could not help thinking, in connection with it, of the capacity

for interrogation, which I had always heard credited exclusively to

Americans.

'Peter,' said Lady Torquilin at last, a little tired of it, 'ask

something about me; I haven't seen you for weeks.'

'Dear lady,' said Peter, 'of course I will. But this is something new,

you see, so one takes an ephemeral--very ephemeral!--interest in it.'

Lady Torquilin laughed. I Well!' said she, 'there's nothing more

wonderful than the way it gets about alone.'

Then I laughed too. I did not find anything in the least objectionable

in being called an 'it' by Miss Corke.

'So you've been in England a whole month!' said she. 'And what do you

think you have observed about us? Basing your opinion,' said Miss Corke,

with serio-comicality, 'upon the fact that we are for your admiration,

and not for your criticism, how do you like us?'

I couldn't help it. 'Individually,' I said, 'I like you fairly well--as

a nation, I can't----'

'Oh!' cried Miss Corke, in a little funny squeal, rushing at Lady

Torquilin, 'you've gone and told her--you wicked woman!'--and she shook

Lady Torquilin, a thing I didn't see how she dared to do. 'I can't

bear it, and I won't! Private correspondence--I wonder you're not

ashamed!'--and Miss Corke sank into a chair, and covered her face with

her hands and her handkerchief, and squealed again, more comically than

before.

By the time I had been acquainted with Miss Corke a fortnight I had

learned to look for that squeal, and to love it. She probably will not

know until she reads this chapter how painfully I have tried to copy it,

and how vainly, doubtless owing to the American nature of my larynx. But

Miss Corke had a way of railing at you that made you feel rather pleased

that you had misbehaved. I could see that it had that effect upon Lady

Torquilin, though all she did was to smile broadly, and say to Miss

Peter, 'Hoity-toity! Have another cup of tea.' In the course of further

conversation, Miss Corke said that she saw my mind must be improved

immediately if she had to do it herself; and where would I like to

begin. I said almost anywhere, I didn't think it much mattered; and Miss

Corke said, Well, that was candid on my part, and augured favourably,

and was I architectururally inclined? I said I thought I was, some; and

out came Miss Peter Corke's little shriek again. 'Tell her,' she

said, prodding Lady Torquilin, 'that we say "rather" over here in that

connection; I don't know her well enough.' And I was obliged to beg Lady

Torquilin to tell her that we said 'some' over there in that connection,

though not in books, or university lectures, or serious-minded

magazines.

'Oh, come!' said Miss Corke, 'do you mean to say you've got any

serious-minded magazines?'

'I'll come anywhere you like,' I responded. 'Have you got any

light-minded ones?'

Whereat Miss Corke turned again to Lady Torquilin, and confided to her

that I was a flippant young woman to live in the same house with, and

Lady Torquilin assured her that there wasn't really any harm in me--it

was only my way.

'H'm!' remarked Miss Peter, perking up her chin in a manner that made

me long to be on kissing terms with her--'the American way!' As I write

that it looks disagreeable; as Peter Corke said it, it was the very

nectar and ambrosia of prejudiced and favourable criticism. And I soon

found out that whatever she might say, her words never conveyed anything

but herself--never had any significance, I mean, that your knowledge of

her delightful nature did not endorse.

'I suppose we'd better begin with the churches, don't you think?' said

Miss Corke to Lady Torquilin. 'Poor dear! I dare say she's never seen a

proper church!'

'Oh, yes!' I said, 'you have never been in Chicago, Miss Corke, or you

wouldn't talk like that. We have several of the finest in America in our

city; and we ourselves attend a very large one, erected last year, the

Congregational--though momma has taken up Theosophy considerably

lately. It's built in amphitheatre style, with all the latest

improvements--electric light, and heated with hot water all through.

It will seat five thousand people on spring-edged cushions, and has a

lovely kitchen attached for socials!' 'Built in the amphitheatre style!

repeated Miss Corke. 'To seat five thousand people on spring-edged

cushions--with a kitchen attached! And now, will you tell me immediately

what a "social" is?'

'There are different kinds, you know,' I replied. 'Ice-cream socials,

and oyster socials, and ordinary tea-meetings; but they nearly always

have something to eat in them--a dry social with only a collection

never amounts to much. And they're generally held in the basement of the

church, and the young ladies of the congregation wait.'

Miss Corke looked at me, amused and aghast. 'You see, I was quite

right,' she said to Lady Torquilin. 'She never has! But I think this

really ought to be reported to the Foreign Missions Society! I'll take

you to the Abbey to-morrow,' she went on. 'You like "deaders,"

don't you? The time between might be profitably spent in fasting and

meditation! Good-bye, dear love!'--to Lady Torquilin. 'No, you will not

come down, either of you! Remember, young lady, three-thirty, sharp, at

the entrance everybody uses, opposite Dizzy's statue--the same which you

are never on any account to call Dizzy, but always Lord Disraeli, with

the respect that becomes a foreigner! Good-bye!'