IX

YOU are sure you know where you're going?' said Lady Torquilin,

referring to the 'Army and Navy.' 'Victoria omnibus, remember, at

Sloane-square; a penny fare, and not more, mind. You must learn to look

after your pennies. Now, what are you to do for me at the Stores?'

'A packet of light Silurian; your camphor and aconite pilules; to ask

how long they intend to be over the valise, they're fixing for you----'

'Portmanteau they're re-covering. Yes, go on!'

'And what their charge is for cleaning red curtains.'

'And to complain about the candles,' added Lady Torquilin.'

'And to complain about the candles.'

'Yes. Don't forget about the candles, dear. See what they'll do. And I'm

very sorry I can't go with you to Madame Tussaud's, but you know I've

been trotting about the whole morning, and all those wax people, with

their idiotic expressions, this afternoon would simply finish me off!

I'll just lie down a bit, and go with you another day; I couldn't

stand up much longer to talk to the Queen herself! You pop into the

"Underground," you know, at St. James's Park, and out at Baker Street.

Now, where do you pop in?--and out? That's quite right. Good-bye, child.

I rang for the lift to come up a quarter of an hour ago; it's probably

there now, and we mustn't keep it waiting. Off you go!' But the

elevator-door was locked, and our descent had begun, when Lady Torquilin

hurried along the passage, arrested, and kept it waiting on her own

account. 'It's only to say, dear,' she called through the grating, 'that

you are on no consideration whatever to get in or out of an Underground

train while it is moving. On no consideration what-;' but the grating

slowly disappeared, and the rest of Lady Torquilin's admonition came

down on the top of the elevator.

I had done every one of the commissions. I had been magisterially raised

and lowered from one floor to another, to find that everything I wanted

was situated up and down so many staircases 'and turn to your right,

madam,' that I concluded they kept an elevator at the Stores for

pleasure. I had had an agreeable interview with a very blonde young

druggist upon the pilules in the regions above, and had made it all

right with a man in mutton-chop whiskers and an apron about the candles

in the regions below. I had seen a thing I had never seen in my life

before, a very curious thing, that interested me enormously--a husband

and father buying his wife's and daughters' dry-goods--probably Lady

Torquilin would tell me to say 'dress materials.' In America our

husbands and fathers are too much occupied to make purchases for their

families, for which it struck me that we had never been thankful enough

'I will not have you in stripes!' I heard him say, as I passed, full of

commiseration for her. 'What arrogance!' I thought. 'In America they are

glad to have us in anything.' And I rejoiced that it was so.

But, as I was saying, I had done all Lady Torquilin's commissions, and

was making my last trip to the ground-floor with the old soldier in the

elevator, when a gentleman got in at one of the stopping-places, and

sat down opposite me. He had that look of deliberate indifference that

I have noticed so many English gentlemen carry about with them--as

if, although they are bodily present, their interest in life had been

carefully put away at home--and he concentrated his attention upon

the point of his umbrella, just as he used to do upon the salt-cellars

crossing the Atlantic Ocean. And he looked up almost with astonishment

when I said, 'How do you do, Mr. Mafferton?' rather as if he did not

quite expect to be spoken to in an elevator by a young lady. Miss Wick!'

he said, and we shook hands as the old soldier let us out. 'How very

odd! I was on the point of looking you up at Lady Torquilin's. You see,

I've found you out at last--no thanks to you--after looking all over the

place.'

There was a very definite reproach in this, so I told Mr. Mafferton

as we went down the steps that I was extremely sorry he had taken any

trouble on my account; that I had fully intended to write to him in

the course of a day or two, but he had no idea how much time it took

up getting settled in a flat where the elevator ran only at stated

intervals. 'But,' I said, with some curiosity, 'how did you find me out,

Mr. Mafferton?' For if there is one interesting thing, it is to discover

how an unexpected piece of information about yourself has been come by.

'Lady Torquilin dropped me a line,' replied Mr. Mafferton; 'that is,

she mentioned it in--in a note yesterday. Lady Torquilin,' Mr. Mafferton

went on, 'is a very old friend of mine--and an awfully good sort, as I

daresay you are beginning to find out.'

By this time we had reached the pavement, and were standing in

everybody's way, with the painful indetermination that attacks people

who are not quite sure whether they ought to separate or not. "'Ansom

cab, sir?" asked one of the porters. 'No!' said Mr. Mafferton. 'I was

on the very point,' he went on to me, dodging a boy with a bandbox, 'of

going to offer my services as cicerone this afternoon, if you and Lady

Torquilin would be good enough to accept them.'

''Ansom cab, sir?' asked another porter, as Mr. Mafferton, getting out

of the way of a resplendent footman, upset a small child with a topheavy

bonnet, belonging to the lady who belonged to the footman.

Original 'No!' said Mr. Mafferton, in quite a temper. 'Shall we get out of this?' he asked me, appealingly; and we walked on in the direction of the Houses of Parliament. 'There's nothing on in particular, that I know of he continued; 'but there are always the stock shows, and Lady Torquilin is up to any amount of sight-seeing, I know.'

'She isn't today, Mr. Mafferton. She's lying down. I did my best to

persuade her to come out with me, and she wouldn't. But I'm going

sight-seeing this very minute, and if you would like to come too, I'm

sure I shall be very glad.'

Mr. Mafferton looked a little uncomfortable. 'Where were you thinking of

going?' he asked.

'To Madame Tussaud's,' I said. 'You go by the Underground Railway

from here. Get in at St. James's Park Station, and out at Baker Street

Station--about twenty-five minutes in the cars. And you are not,'

I said, remembering what I had been told, 'under any consideration

whatever, to get in or out of the train while it is moving.'

Mr. Mafferton laughed. 'Lady Torquilin has been coaching you,' he said:

but he still looked uncomfortable, and thinking he felt, perhaps, like

an intruder upon my plans, and wishing to put him at his ease, I said:

'It would really be very kind of you to come, Mr. Mafferton, for even at

school I never could remember English history, and now I've probably got

your dynasties worse mixed up than ever. It would be a great advantage

to go with somebody who knows all the dates, and which kings usurped

their thrones, and who they properly belonged to.'

Mr. Mafferton laughed again. 'I hope you don't expect all that of me,'

he said. 'But if you are quite sure we couldn't rout Lady Torquilin out,

I will take you to Madame Tussaud's with the greatest pleasure, Miss

Wick.'

'I'm quite sure,' I told Mr. Mafferton, cheerfully. 'She said all those

wax people, with their idiotic expressions, this afternoon would simply

finish her up!'--and Mr. Mafferton said Lady Torquilin put things very

quaintly, didn't she? And we went together into one of those great

echoing caverns in the sides of the streets that led down flights of

dirty steps, past the man who punches the tickets, and widen out into

that border of desolation with a fierce star burning and brightening in

the blackness of the farther end, which is a platform of the Underground

Railway.

'This,' said I to Mr. Mafferton as we walked up and down waiting for our

train, 'is one of the things I particularly wanted to see.'

'The penny weighing-machine?' asked Mr. Mafferton, for I had stopped to

look at that.

'The whole thing,' said I--'the Underground system. But this is

interesting in itself,' I added, putting a penny in, and stepping on the

machine.

'Please hold my parasol, Mr. Mafferton, so that I may get the exact truth for my penny.' Mr. Mafferton took the parasol with a slightly clouded expression, which deepened when one of two gentlemen who had just come on the platform bowed to him. 'I think, if you don't mind, Miss Wick, we had better go farther along the platform--it will be easier to get the carriage,' he said, in a manner which quite dashed my amiable intention of telling him how even the truth was cheaper in this country than in America, for our weighing-machines wouldn't work for less than a nickel, which was twice and a-half as much as a penny. Just then, however, the train came whizzing in, we bundled ourselves into a compartment, the door banged after us with frightful explosiveness--the Underground bang is a thing which I should think the omnibus companies had great cause to be thankful for--and we went with a scream and a rush into the black unknown. It seemed to me in the first few minutes that life as I had been accustomed to it had lapsed, and that a sort of semi-conscious existence was filling up the gap between what had been before and what would be again. I can't say I found this phase of being agreeable. It occurred to me that my eyes and my ears and my lungs might just as well have been left at home. The only organ that found any occupation was my nose--all sense seemed concentrated in that sharp-edged, objectionable smell. 'What do you think of the Underground?' said Mr. Mafferton, leaning across, above the rattle.

I told him I hadn't had time to analyse my impressions, in a series of

shrieks, and subsided to watch for the greyness of the next station.

After that had passed, and I was convinced that there were places where

you could escape to the light and air of the outside world again, I

asked Mr. Mafferton a number of questions about the railway, and in

answering them he said the first irritating thing I heard in England.

'I hope,' he remarked, 'that your interest in the Underground won't take

you all the way round the Circle to see what it's like.'

'Why do you hope that, Mr. Mafferton?' I said. 'Is it dangerous?'

'Not in the least.' he returned, a little confusedly. 'Only--most

Americans like to "make the entire circuit," I believe.'

'I've no doubt they want to see how bad it can be,' I said. 'We are a

very fair nation, Mr. Mafferton. But though I can't understand your hope

in the matter, I don't think it likely I shall travel by Underground any

more than I can help.' Because, for the moment, I felt an annoyance. Why

should Mr. Mafferton 'hope' about my conduct?--Mr. Mafferton was not

my maiden aunt! But he very politely asked me how I thought it compared

with the Elevated in New York, and I was obliged to tell him that I

really didn't think it compared at all. The Elevated was ugly to look

at, and some people found it giddy to ride on, but it took you through

the best quality of air and sunlight the entire distance; and if

anything happened, at all events you could see what it was. Mr.

Mafferton replied that he thought he preferred the darkness to looking

through other people's windows; and this preference of Mr. Mafferton's

struck me later as being interestingly English. And after that we both

lapsed into meditation, and I thought about old London, with its Abbey,

and its Tower, and its Houses of Parliament, and its Bluecoat boys,

and its monuments, and its ten thousand hansom cabs, lying just over my

head; and an odd, pleasurable sensation of undermining the centuries and

playing a trick with history almost superseded the Underground smell.

The more I thought about it, and about what Mr. Mafferton had said, the

more I liked that feeling of taking an enormous liberty with London,

and by the time we reached Baker Street Station I was able to say to Mr.

Mafferton, with a clear conscience, in spite of my smuts and half-torpid

state of mind, that on consideration I thought I would like to compass

London by the Underground--to 'make the entire circuit.'

X

Original T struck me, from the outside, as oddly imposing--Madame Tussaud's. Partly, I suppose, because it is always more or less treated jocosely, partly because of the homely little familiar name, and partly because a person's expectations of a waxwork show are naturally not very lofty. I was looking out for anything but a swelling dome and a flag, and the high brick walls of an Institution. There seemed a grotesqueness of dignity about it, which was emphasised by the solemn man at the turnstile who took the shillings and let us through, and by the spaciousness inside--emphasised so much that it disappeared, so to speak, and I found myself taking the place quite seriously--the gentleman in tin on the charger in the main hall below, and the wide marble stairs, and the urns in the corners, and the oil paintings on the landings, and everything. I began asking Mr. Mafferton questions immediately, quite in the subdued voice people use under impressive circumstances; but he wasn't certain who the architect was, and couldn't say where the marble came from, and really didn't know how many years the waxworks had been in existence, and hadn't the least idea what the gross receipts were per annum--did not, in fact, seem to think he ought to be expected to be acquainted with these matters. The only thing he could tell me definitely was that Madame Tussaud was dead--and I knew that myself. 'Upon my word, you know,' said Mr. Mafferton, 'I haven't been here since I was put into knickers!' I was surprised at this remark when I heard it, for Mr. Mafferton was usually elegant to a degree in his choice of terms; but I should not be now. I have found nothing plainer in England than the language. Its simplicity and directness are a little startling at first, perhaps, to the foreign ear; but this soon wears off as you become accustomed to it, and I dare say the foreigner begins to talk the same way--in which case my speech will probably be a matter of grave consideration to me when I get back to Chicago. In America we usually put things in a manner somewhat more involved. Yes, I know you are thinking of the old story about Americans draping the legs of their pianos; but if I were you I would discount that story. For my own part, I never in my life saw it done.

The moment we were inside the main hall, where the orchestra was

playing, before I had time to say more than 'How very interesting, Mr.

Mafferton! Who is that? and why is he famous?' Mr. Mafferton bought one

of the red and gilt and green catalogues from the young woman at the

door, and put it into my hand almost impulsively.

'I fancy they're very complete--and reliable, Miss Wick,' he said.

'You--you really mustn't depend upon me. It's such an unconscionable

time since I left school.'

I told Mr. Mafferton I was sure that was only his modest way of putting

it, and that I knew he had reams of English history in his head if he

would only just think of it; and he replied, 'No, really, upon my word,

I have not!' But by that time I realised that I was in the immediate

society of all the remarkable old kings and queens of England; and the

emotions they inspired, standing round in that promiscuous touchable

way, with their crowns on, occupied me so fully, that for at least ten

minutes I found it quite interesting enough to look at them in silence.

So I sat down on one of the seats in the middle of the hall, where

people were listening to the orchestra's selections from 'The

Gondoliers,' and gave myself up to the curious captivation of the

impression. 'It's not bad,' said Mr. Mafferton, reflectively, a little

way off. 'No,' I said, 'it's beautiful!' But I think he meant the

selections, and I meant the kings and queens, to whom he was not paying

the slightest attention. But I did not find fault with him for that--he

had been, in a manner, brought up amongst these things; he lived in a

country that always had a king or queen of some sort to rule over it;

he was used to crowns and sceptres. He could not possibly have the

same feelings as a person born in Chicago, and reared upon Republican

principles. But to me those quaint groups of royalties in the robes and

jewels of other times, and arrayed just as much in their characters as

in their clothes--the characters everybody knows them by--were a

source of pure and, while I sat there, increasing delight. I don't mind

confessing that I like the kings and queens at Madame Tussaud's better

than anything else I've seen in England, at the risk of being considered

a person of low intelligence. I know that Mr. James Russell Lowell--whom

poppa always used to say he was proud to claim as a fellow-countryman,

until he went Mugwump when Cleveland was elected--said of them that they

were 'much like any other English party'; but I should think from that

that Mr. Lowell was perhaps a little prejudiced against waxworks, and

intolerant of the form of art which they represent; or, possibly, when

he said it he had just come to London, and had not attended many English

parties. For it seems to me that the peculiar charm and interest of the

ladies and gentlemen at Madame Tussaud's is the ingenuous earnestness

with which they show you their temperaments and tastes and dispositions,

which I have not found especially characteristic of other English ladies

and gentlemen. As Lady Torquilin says, however, 'that's as it may be.'

All I know is, that whatever Mr. Lowell, from his lofty Harvard standard

of culture, may find to say in deprecation of all that is left of your

early sovereigns, I, from my humble Chicago point of view, was immensely

pleased with them. I could not get over the feeling--I have not got over

it yet--that they were, or at any rate had once been, veritable kings

and queens. I had a sentiment of respect; I could not think of them,

as I told Mr. Mafferton, 'as wax'; and it never occurred to me that

the crowns were brass and the jewels glass. Even now I find that an

unpleasant reflection; and I would not go back to Madame Tussaud's on

any account, for fear the brassiness of the crowns and the glassiness

of the jewels might obtrude themselves the second time, and spoil the

illusion. English history, with its moated castles, and knights in

armour, and tyrant kings and virtuous queens, had always seemed more

or less of a fairy tale to me--it is difficult to believe in mediæval

romance in America--and there, about me, was the fairy tale realised:

all the curious old people who died of a 'surfeit of lampreys,' or of

a bad temper, or of decapitation, or in other ways which would be

considered eccentric now, in all their dear old folds and fashions,

red and blue and gold and ermine, with their crowns on! There was a

sociability among them, too, that I thought interesting, and that struck

me as a thing I shouldn't have expected, some of their characters being

so very good, and some so very bad; but I suppose, being all kings and

queens, any other distinction would be considered invidious. I looked up

while I was thinking about them, and caught Mr. Mafferton yawning.

'Are you impressed?' he said, disguising it with a smile.

'Very much,' I answered him. 'In a way. Aren't you?' 'I think they're

imbecile,' said Mr. Mafferton. 'Imbecile old Things! I have been

wondering what they could possibly suggest to you.'

Mr. Mafferton certainly spoke in that way. I remember it distinctly.

Because I depended upon it in taking, as we went round, a certain

freedom of criticism--depended upon it, I had reason to believe

afterwards, unwarrantably.

'Let us look at them individually,' I said, rising. 'Collectively, I

find them lovable.'

'Well, now, I envy them!' replied Mr. Mafferton, with great coolness.

This was surprisingly frivolous in Mr. Mafferton, who was usually quite

what would be called a serious person, and just for a minute I did not

quite know what to say. Then I laughed a little frivolously too. 'I

suppose you intend that for a compliment, Mr. Mafferton,' I said.

Privately, I thought it very clumsy. 'This is Number One, I think'--and

we stopped before William the Conqueror asking Matilda of Flanders to

sit down.

'I don't know that I did,' said Mr. Mafferton--which made the situation

awkward for me; for if there is an uncomfortable thing, it is to

appropriate a compliment which was not intended. An Englishman is a

being absolutely devoid of tact.

'So this is William the Conqueror?' I said, by way of changing the

subject.

'It may be a little like his clothes,' said Mr. Mafferton, indifferently.

'Oh! don't say that, Mr. Mafferton. I'm sure he looks every inch a

William the Conqueror! See how polite he is to his wife, too--I suppose

that's because he's French?'

Mr. Mafferton didn't say anything, and it occurred to me that perhaps I

had not expressed myself well.

'Do you notice,' I went on, 'how he wears his crown--all tipped to one

side? He reminds me just a little, Mr. Mafferton, with that type of

face--enterprising, you know--and hair that length, only it ought to

be dark, and if the crown were only a wide-brimmed, soft felt hat--he

reminds mo very much of those Californian ranchers and miners Bret Harte

and Joaquin Miller write about.'

'Do you mean cowboys?' asked Mr. Mafferton, in a way that told me he

wasn't going to agree with me.

'Yes, that kind of person. I think William the Conqueror would make a

beautiful cowboy--a regular "Terror of the Canyon."'

'Can't say I see it,' said Mr. Mafferton, fixing his eye upon the bass

'cello at the other end of the room.

'It isn't in that direction,' I said, and Mr. Mafferton became

exceedingly red. Then it occurred to me that possibly over here that

might be considered impertinent, so I did my best to make up for it.

'A very nice face, isn't it?' I went on. 'What is he particularly noted

for, Mr. Mafferton, besides the Curfew, and the Doomsday Book, and

introducing old families into England?'

Mr. Mafferton bit his moustache. I had never seen anybody bite his

moustache before, though I had always understood from novels that it

was done in England. Whether American gentlemen have better tempers, or

whether they are afraid of injuring it, or why the habit is not a common

one with us, I am unable to say.

'Really, Miss Wick,' Mr. Mafferton responded, with six degrees of frost,

'I--is there nothing about it in the catalogue? He established the only

date which would ever stick in my memory--1066. But you mustn't think he

brought all the old families in England over with him, Miss Wick--it is

incorrect.'

'"I daresay," I said; 'people get such curious ideas about England in

America, Mr. Mafferton.' But that did not seem to please Mr. Mafferton

either. 'I think they ought to know,' he said, so seriously that I

did not like to retaliate with any English misconceptions of American

matters. And from what I know of Mr. Mafferton now, I do not think he

would have seen the slightest parallel.

'How this brings it all back, I said, as we looked at William the

Second, surnamed Rufus, in blue and yellow, with a plain front--'the

marks in history at school, and the dates let in at the sides of the

pages! "His dead body, with an arrow sticking in it, was found by

Purkiss, a charcoal-burner, and carried in a cart to Winchester, where

it was buried in the Cathedral." I remember I used to torment myself by

wondering whether they pulled the arrow out, because in my history it

didn't say they did.'

'It's a fact,' said Mr. Mafferton; 'one always does think of the old

chap with the arrow sticking in him. Burne-Jones or one of those

fellows ought to paint it--the forest, you know, twilight, and the

charcoal-burner in a state of funk. Tremendously effective--though, I

daresay, it's been done scores of times.'

'And sold to be lithographed in advertisements!' I added.

'Ah, Miss Wick, that is the utilitarian American way of looking at

things!' Mr. Mafferton remarked, jocularly; and I don't think I could

have been expected to refrain from telling him that I had in mind a

certain soap not manufactured in America.

When we got as far as Henry the Second, Curtmantle, whom Madame Tussaud

describes as a 'wise and good king,' and who certainly has an amiable,

open countenance, I noticed that all the crowns were different, and

asked Mr. Mafferton about it--whether at that time every king had his

crown made to order, and trimmed according to his own ideas, or had to

take whatever crown was going; and whether it was his to do as he liked

with, or went with the throne; and if the majority of the kings had

behaved properly about their crowns, and where they all were. But if Mr.

Mafferton knew, he chose to be equivocal--he did not give me any answer

that I feel I could rely upon sufficiently to put into print. Then we

passed that nice brave crusading Richard the First, surnamed Coeur

de Lion, in some domestic argument with his sweet Berengaria; and Mr.

Mafferton, talking about her, used the expression, 'Fair flower of

Navarre.' But at that time he was carrying the catalogue.

King John I thought delightful; I could not have believed it possible

to put such a thoroughly bad temper into wax, and I said so to Mr.

Mafferton, who agreed with me, though without enthusiasm. 'The worst

king who ever sat on the English throne!' I repeated, meditatively,

quoting from Madame Tussaud--'that's saying a great deal, isn't it, Mr.

Mafferton?' My escort said No, he couldn't say he thought it represented

such an acme of wickedness, and we walked on, past swarthy little sad

Charles the Second, in armour and lace, who looks--and how could he

help it?--as if he were always thinking of what happened to his sire--I

suppose the expression 'poppa' is unknown among royalties. Mr. Mafferton

would not agree to this either; he seemed to have made up his mind not

to agree to anything further.

I should like to write a whole chapter about Henry the Eighth as he

looked that day, though I daresay it is an habitual expression, and you

may have seen it often yourself. He was standing in the midst of a

group of ladies, including some of his wives, stepping forward in an

impulsive, emotional way; listening, with grief in both his eyes, to the

orchestra's rendition of

Bury! Bury! Let the grave close o'er.

as if deeply deprecating the painful necessity of again becoming a

widower. It was beautiful to see the way the music worked upon his

feelings. It will be impossible for me ever to think so badly of him

again.

'What is your impression of him?' asked Mr. Mafferton.