(_AN ACCOUNT OF THE CONFLICT, FROM THE DIARY OF AN INHABITANT OF HERNE
BAY._)
_Monday._--Extremely awkward--the entire British Fleet have come
ashore; and, as it is impossible to move them on account of their
enormous tonnage, this will entail a loss of £24,000,000,000!
_Tuesday._--Troubles never come singly! The French, taking advantage
of the temporary suspension of our naval operations, have declared
war. This means the utter ruin of the bathing season, not only at
Herne Bay, but Southend, and the Isle of Thanet.
_Wednesday._--As I expected! The French Fleet are coming up towards
London. They are sure to pepper us as they pass. As every gun carries
several hundred miles, I do not see how books can be uninterruptedly
issued from and returned to the Circulating Library.
_Thursday._--Our first slice of luck! The entire French Fleet during
the mist last night came into collision with the Nore Light, and sank
immediately. I was surprised at their sparing the Reculvers and the
local bathing-machines, but now the mystery is explained.
_Friday._--Just learned that the great gun of Paris, which carries
forty-four thousand miles, is to be tried for the first time
to-morrow. It would have been used earlier, had it not been necessary
to raise a foreign loan to supply funds to load it. Trust it won't
be laid in our direction. This war has already caused the Insurance
Companies to double their charges! Too bad!
_Saturday._--All's well that ends well. Hostilities are at an end.
This morning all the glass in the windows were broken at 8 o'clock.
Ten minutes later the Champs Elysées was deposited half a mile from
Birchington. We now know that the great Paris gun burst on its
first discharge, and France exists no longer as a country, but as a
"geographical expression" is deposited in various parts of Europe.
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REAL AND IDEAL.--"A Really Hard-Headed Man"--the Iron-skulled
individual now exhibiting at the Aquarium. If his will is as iron
as his head, what a despot he would be! If France is tired of her
Republic, she might try the Iron-Headed Man as a ruler. There is the
chance, of course, that he might turn out a numskull, and be only King
Log, after all.
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[Illustration: A GENTLEMAN WHO "TAKES LIFE EASILY."]
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[Illustration: A REMINISCENCE OF THE BASEBALL SEASON.]
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