June 20th, 1917.
=CHARIVARIA.=
A man who purchased sandwiches at a railway restaurant and afterwards
threw them into the road was fined five shillings at Grimsby Police
Court last week. His explanation--that he did not know they might
injure the road--was not accepted by the Court.
* * *
We cannot help thinking that too much fuss has been made about trying
to stop Messrs. RAMSAY MACDONALD and JOWETT from leaving England. So
far as we can gather they did not threaten to return to this country
afterwards.
* * *
A North of England man, obviously wishing to appear unusual, still
persists in the stupid story that he did not hear the Messines
explosion.
* * *
We can think of no finer example of the humility of true greatness
than KING CONSTANTINE'S decision to abdicate.
* * *
There were forty thousand fewer paupers in 1916 than in 1915,
according to figures recently published. The difference is accounted
for by the number of revue-writers who have resumed their agricultural
occupations.
* * *
In a small town in Australia, says a news item, over two tons of mice
were killed in two days. For some unknown reason, which perhaps the
Censor can explain, the name of the cat is withheld.
* * *
"Eliminate the middleman," demands a contemporary. It might prove a
simpler affair, after all, than the present system of suppressing the
inner man.
* * *
Mr. GINNELL, M.P., is responsible for the statement that "bringing
an action against the police in Ireland is like bringing one against
Satan in hell." The chief obstacle in the latter case is of course the
total absence of learned counsel in that locality.
* * *
The KAISER, it appears, has lost no time in commiserating with his
troops on their magnificent victory at Messines.
* * *
The title which Mr. JOHN HASSALL wrote under one of his sketches
suggested the words for a song which has now been written. It is
only fair to the artist to say that he was not aware that his quite
innocent title would lead to this.
* * *
The National Service staff at St. Ermin's Hotel, Westminster, has been
reduced by half. It is now expected that the unemployed half will
volunteer for National Service.
* * *
Berlin announces that all through-lines in Germany are running. The
case of the HINDENBURG Line seems to be infectious.
* * *
"No cheese," says _The Evening News_, "has quite the bite of Cheddar."
At the same time, unless it wags its tail to show that it is friendly,
we feel that every cheese with a bite like that would be much safer if
muzzled.
* * *
Triplets were born in Manchester last week. The father is going on as
well as can be expected.
* * *
Complaint has been made by a member of the Hounslow Burial Committee
of courting couples occupying seats in the cemetery. The killjoy!
* * *
We can only suppose it was the hot weather that tempted a newsagent
correspondent to ask whether Lord NORTHCLIFFE had gone to America on
"sail or return."
* * *
Mr. BALFOUR, we are told, while staying at Washington, visited eleven
public buildings and interviewed nine representative Americans on one
day. There is some talk of his being elected an honorary American.
* * *
We wish to deny the foolish rumour that when he arrived in London
from his American tour and was asked if he had had a good voyage,
he remarked, "Sure thing, sonny. All the little Mister Congressmen
gathered around, and it suited your Uncle Dudley very nicely and some
more. Yep!"
* * *
An old lady was recently fined two pounds for putting out crumbs for
birds. Had the bread-crumbs been put outside, instead of inside, the
birds, no offence, it seems, would have been committed.
* * *
Newspapers in Germany may now be sold only to subscribers for one
month or more. A similar measure for England is opposed on the ground
that it would be most inadvisable to check the practice at present in
vogue among patriotic supporters of the Coalition Government of buying
_The Morning Post_ and _The Daily News_ on alternate days.
* * *
Bobbing for eels is being pursued with much enthusiasm on the Norfolk
Broads. Two-bobbing for haddocks in Kensington is sport enough for
most of us.
* * *
Large numbers of the German prisoners taken at Messines wore new boots
and new uniforms. Other improvements included a less ragged rendering
of the well-known recitation, "Kamerad!"
* * *
Asked what bait could be used for coarse fish, the late
FOOD-CONTROLLER suggested one "made from bran, with a limited quantity
of oatmeal." The correspondent has now written to inquire whether the
fish have been officially informed of the new diet.
* * *
Four shillings a hundredweight is being paid for old omnibus tickets,
but there are still a few people who use these vehicles for pleasure,
without any motive of gain.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Visitor_. "YES, BUT WHAT'S THE POINT OF WHITEWASHING
THE TREE TRUNKS?"
_Amateur Gardener_. "I CAN'T SAY FOR CERTAIN; BUT I _THINK_ THE IDEA
IS TO KEEP THE BATS FROM KNOCKING THEIR HEADS IN THE DARK."]
* * * * *
=Suspended Animation.=
"LAUNDRY.--Girl to hang up and make herself useful."--_Liverpool
Echo_.
* * * * *
"For myself, I have very good reasons for not being in khaki. I
live on a farm near the Grand Falls of the St. John River. These
falls are second to Niagara in size and splendour, and attract
visitors from all over the country."--_Canadian Paper_.
He must have told the recruiting-officer that he was subject to
cataract.
* * * * *
=T.M.G.=
Farewell, my CONSTANTINE! A guardian navy
Facilitates your exit on the blue;
For Greece has been this long while in the gravy
And he that put her there was plainly you;
"TINO MUST GO!" was writ for all to see,
Or, briefly, "T.M.G."
Whither, dear Sir, do you propose to sally?
To Switzerland's recuperative air,
To sip condensed milk in a private chalet
Or pluck the lissom chamois from his lair,
Or on the summit of a neutral Alp
Recline your crownless scalp?
Or did you ask from him you love so dearly
A royal haven fenced from rude alarms,
Even though WILLIAM should reserve you merely
A bedroom at "The Hohenzollern Arms,"
Having for poor relations on the loose
No sort of further use?
Beware! I gather he might clasp his TINO
Only too warmly to his heaving chest,
Saying, "O how reward such merits? _We_ know!
Thou shalt command an Army in the West!
Yes, thou shalt bear upon the British Front
The pick of all the brunt."
Frankly, if I were you, I wouldn't chance it.
Fighting has never really been your forte;
Witness Larissa, and your rapid transit,
Chivied by slow foot-sloggers of the Porte;
Far better make for Denmark o'er the foam;
There is no place like home.
Try some ancestral palace, well-appointed;
For choice the one where _Hamlet_ nursed his spite,
Who found the times had grown a bit disjointed
And he was not the man to put 'em right;
And there consult on that enchanted shore
The ghosts of Elsinore.