A meeting, unequalled in numbers and respectability, was held during the
past week at the sign of "_The Conservative Cauliflower_," Duck-lane,
Westminster, for the purpose of presenting an address, and anything else,
that the meeting might decide upon, to Sir Edward Knatchbull, for his
patriotic opposition to 'pikes.
Mr. ADAM BELL, the well-known literary dustman, was unanimously called to
the Chair. The learned gentleman immediately responded to the call, and
having gracefully removed his fan tail with one hand and his pipe with the
other, bowed to the assembled multitude, and deposited himself in the seat
of honour. As there was no hammer in the room, the inventive genius of the
learned chairman, suggested the substitution of his bell, and having
agitated its clapper three times, and shouted "_Orger_" with stentorian
emphasis, he proceeded to address the meeting:--
"Wedgetable wendors and purweyors of promiscus poulte-ry, it isn't often
that a cheer is taken in this room for no other than harmonic meetings or
club-nights, and it is, therefore, with oncommon pride that I feels myself
in my present proud persition. (_Werry good! and Hear, hear!_) You are all
pretty well aware of my familiar acquaintance with the nobs of this here
great nation. (_We is! and cheers._) For some years I've had the honour to
collect for Mr. Dark, night and day, I may say; and in my mind the werry
best standard of a real gentleman is his dust-hole. (_Hear, hear! and He's
vide avake!_) You're hailed," continued the eloquent Adam, "you're hailed
by a sarvant in a dimity jacket; you pulls up alongside of the curb; you
collars your basket, and with your shovel in your mawley, makes a cast
into the hairy; one glance at the dust conwinces you vether you're to have
sixpence or a swig of lamen-table beer. (_It does! and cheers._) A man as
sifteses his dust is a disgrace to humanity! (_Immense cheering, which was
rendered more exhilarating by the introduction of Dirk's dangle-dangles,
otherwise bells._) But you'll say, Vot is this here to do with Sir Eddard?
I'll tell you. It has been my werry great happiness to clear out Sir
Eddard, and werry well I was paid for doing it. The Tories knows what
_jobs_ is, and pays according-_ly_. (_Here the Meeting gave the
Conservative Costermonger fire._) The 'pinion I then formed of Sir Eddard
has jist been werrified, for hasn't he comed forrard to oppose them
rascally taxes on commercial industry and Fairlop-fair--on enterprising
higgling and 'twelve in a tax-cart?' need I say I alludes to them blessed
'pikes? (_Long and continued cheers._) Sir Eddard is fully aware that the
'pike-men didn't make the dirt that makes the road, and werry justly
refuses to fork out tuppence-ha'penny! It's werry true Sir Eddard says
that the t'other taxes must be paid, as what's to pay the ministers? But
it's highly unreasonable that 'pike-men is to be put alongside of Prime
Ministers, wedgetable wendors, and purveyors of promiscus polte-ry! Had
that great man succeeded in bilking the toll, what a thing it would ha'
been for us! Gatter is but 3d. a pot, and that's the price of a reasonable
'pike-ticket. That wenerable and wenerated liquor as bears the cognominum
of 'Old Tom' is come-atable for the walley of them werry browns. But Sir
Eddard has failed in his bould endeavour--the 'pikes has it! (_Shame!_)
It's for us to reward him. I therefore proposes that a collection of
turnpike tickets is made, and then elegantly mounted, framed and
glaziered, and presented to the Right Honourable Barrownight." (_Immense
applause._)
Mr. ALEC BILL JONES, the celebrated early-tater and spring-ingen dealer,
seconded the proposition, at the same time suggesting that "Old
'pike-tickets would do as well as new 'uns; and everybody know'd that
second-hand tumpike-tickets warn't werry waluable, so the thing could be
done handsome and reasonable."
A collection was immediately commenced in the room, and in a few minutes
the subscription included the whole of the Metropolitan trusts, together
with three Waterloo-bridge tickets, which the donor stated "could ony be
'ad for axing for."
A deputation was then formed for the purpose of presenting this unique
testimonial when completed to Sir Edward Knatchbull.
It is rumoured that the lessees of the gates in the neighbourhood of the
Metropolis are trying to get up a counter meeting. We have written to Mr.
Levy on the subject.
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