TIME--_About 3.30. Leaping Competition about to begin. The Competitors
are ranged in a line at the upper end of the Hall, while the
attendants place the hedges in position. Amongst the Spectators in the
Area are--a Saturnine Stableman from the country; a Cockney Groom; a
Morbid Man; a Man who is apparently under the impression that he is
the only person gifted with sight; a Critic who is extremely severe
upon other people's seats; a Judge of Horseflesh; and Two Women who
can't see as well as they could wish._
_The Descriptive Man_. They've got both the fences up now, d'ye see?
There's the judges going to start the jumping; each rider's got a
ticket with his number on his back. See? The first man's horse don't
seem to care about jumping this afternoon--see how he's dancing about.
Now he's going at it--there, he's cleared it! Now he'll have to jump
the next one!
[_Keeps up a running fire of these instructive and valuable
observations throughout the proceedings._
[Illustration]
_The Judge of Horseflesh._ Rare good shoulders that one has.
_The Severe Critic (taking the remark to apply to the horse's rider)._
H'm, yes--rather--pity he sticks his elbows out quite so much, though.
[_His Friend regards him in silent astonishment._
_Another Competitor clears a fence, but exhibits a considerable amount
of daylight._
_The Saturnine Stableman (encouragingly)._ You'll 'ev to set back a
bit next journey, Guv'nor!
_The Cockney Groom._ 'Orses 'ud jump better if the fences was a bit
'igher.
_The S. S._ They'll be plenty 'oigh enough fur some on 'em.
_The Severe Critic._ Ugly seat that fellow has--all anyhow when the
horse jumps.
_Judge of Horseflesh._ Has he? I didn't notice--I was looking at the
horse. [_Severe Critic feels snubbed._
_The S. S. (soothingly, as the Competitor with the loose seat comes
round again)._ That's not good, Guv'nor!
_The Cockney Groom._ 'Ere's a little bit o' fashion coming down
next--why, there's quite a boy on his back.
_The S. S._ 'E won't be on 'im long if he don't look out. Cup an' ball
_I_ call it!
_The Morbid Man._ I suppose there's always a accident o' some sort
before they've finished.
_First Woman._ Oh, don't, for goodness sake, talk like that--I'm sure
_I_ don't want to see nothing 'appen.
_Second Woman._ Well, you may make your mind easy--for you won't see
nothing here; you _would_ have it this was the best place to come to!
_First Woman._ I only said there was no sense in paying extra for the
balcony, when you can go in the area for nothing.
_Second Woman (snorting)._ Area, indeed! It might be a good deal
airier than what it is, I'm sure--I shall melt if I stay here much
longer.
_The Morbid Man._ There's one thing about being so close to the jump
as this--if the 'orse jumps sideways--as 'osses will do every now and
then--he'll be right in among us before we know where we are, and then
there'll be a pretty how-de-do!
_Second Woman (to her Friend)._ Oh, come away, do--it's bad enough to
see nothing, let alone having a great 'orse coming down atop of us,
and me coming out in my best bonnet, too--come away!
[_They leave._
_The Descriptive Man._ Now they're going to make 'em do some
in-and-out jumping, see? they're putting the fences close
together--that'll puzzle some of them--ah, he's over both of 'em; very
clean that one jumps! Over again! He's got to do it all twice, you
see.
_The Judge of Horseflesh._ Temperate horse, that chestnut.
_The Severe Critic._ Is he, though?--but I suppose they _have_ to be
here, eh? Not allowed champagne or whiskey or anything before they go
in--like they are on a racecourse?
_The J. of H._ No, they insist on every horse taking the pledge before
they'll enter him.
_The Descriptive Man._ Each of 'em's had a turn at the in-and-out jump
now. What's coming next? Oh, the five-barred gate--they're going over
that now, and the stone wall--see them putting the bricks on top?
That's to _raise_ it.
_The Morbid Man._ None of 'em been off yet; but (_hopefully_) there'll
be a nasty fall or two over this business--there's been many a neck
broke over a lower gate than that.
_A Competitor clears the gate easily, holding the reins casually in
his right hand._
_The J. of H._ That man can ride.
_The Severe Critic._ Pretty well--not what I call _business_,
though--going over a gate with one hand, like that.
_The J. of H._ Didn't know you were such an authority.
_The S. C. (modestly)._ Oh, I can tell when a fellow has a good seat.
I used to ride a good deal at one time. Don't get the chance much
now--worse luck!
_The J. of H._ Well, I can give you a chance, as it happens. (Severe
Critic _accepts with enthusiasm, and the inward reflection that the
chance is much less likely to come off than he is himself_.) You wait
till the show is over, and they let the horses in for exercise. I know
a man who's got a cob here--regular little devil to go--bucks a bit at
times--but you won't mind that. I'll take you round to the stall, and
get my friend to let you try him on the tan. How will that do you, eh?
_The Severe Critic (almost speechless with gratitude)._ Oh--er--it
would do me right enough--capital! That is--it would, if I hadn't an
appointment, and had my riding things on, and wasn't feeling rather
out of sorts, and hadn't promised to go home and take my wife in the
Park, and it's her birthday, too, and, then, I've long made it a rule
never to mount a strange horse, and--er--so you understand how it is,
don't you?
_The J. of H._ Quite, my dear fellow. (_As, for that matter, he has
done from the first._)
_The Cockney Groom (alluding to a man who is riding at the gate)._
'Ere's a rough 'un this bloke's on! (_Horse rises at gate; his rider
shouts, "Hoo, over!" and the gate falls amidst general derision._)
Over? Ah, I should just think it was over!
_The Saturnine Stableman (as horseman passes)._ Yer needn't ha'
"Hoo"'d for that much!
[_The Small Boy, precariously perched on an immense animal, follows;
his horse, becoming unmanageable, declines the gate, and leaps the
hurdle at the side._
_The S. S._ Ah, you're a _artful_ lad, you are--thought you'd take it
where it was easiest, eh?--you'll 'ev to goo back and try agen, you
will.
_Chorus of Sympathetic Bystanders._ Take him at it again, boy; you're
all right!... Hold him in tighter, my lad.... Let out your reins a
bit! Lor, they didn't ought to let a boy like that ride.... He ain't
no more 'old on that big 'orse than if he was a fly on him!... Keep
his 'ed straighter next time.... Enough to try a boy's nerve! &c., &c.
[_The Boy takes the horse back, and eventually clears the gate amidst
immense and well-deserved applause._
_The Morbid Man (disappointed)._ Well, I fully expected to see 'im
took off on a shutter.
_The Descriptive Man._ It's the water-jump next--see; that's it in the
middle; there's the water, underneath the hedge; they'll have to clear
the 'ole of that--or else fall in and get a wetting. They've taken all
the horses round to the other entrance--they'll come in from that side
directly.
[_One of the Judges holds up his stick as a signal; wild shouts of
"Hoy-hoy! Whorr-oosh!" from within, as a Competitor dashes out and
clears hedge and ditch by a foot or two. Deafening applause. A second
horseman rides at it, and lands--if the word is allowable--neatly in
the water. Roars of laughter as he scrambles out._
_The Morbid Man._ Call that a brook! It ain't a couple of inches
deep--it's more mud than water! No fear (_he means, "no hope"_) of any
on 'em getting a ducking over that!
[_And so it turns out; the horses take the jump with more or less
success, but without a single saddle being vacated. The Judges award
a red and blue rosette to the riders of the best and second horses
respectively, and the proceedings terminate for the afternoon amidst
demonstrations of hearty satisfaction from all but_ The Morbid Man,
_who had expected there would have been "more to see._"
* * * * *
--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
* * * * *
Transcriber's Note:
Sundry missing or damaged punctuation has been repaired.
Page 289: The caron ^ denotes a following superscript:
"formula: x ([Greek: pi] + y^{n^th}) = y + x - [Greek: pi]/x".
Page 291: 'Matinee' corrected to 'Matinee':
"Miss Blank will make her first appearance in Juliet at a Matinee".
* * * * *