_House of Commons, Monday, June 9._--Last time I saw OLD MORALITY
was in the lovely estuary of the Dart. He had just cut away from
Parliament, called together his seamen bold, and steamed out Westward
in the _Pandora_. When we on the _Hiawatha_ woke up on Sunday
morning, there was the _Pandora_ lying alongside, with OLD MORALITY
in pea-jacket, straw hat, telescope under his arm, and sea-boots
above his knees, though there was not a ripple on face of water that
mirrored the old castle at the point, the church, the trees, and the
green hills. Nevertheless, there he was, pacing the mizzen-deck, every
now and then bringing his telescope to his weather eye, on the
look out for Irish Members or SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE lurking in
underwood. We ran up at our foretopmost peak, all taut by a couple of
bowlines, the signal, "England expects that W. H. SMITH this day will
do his duty." There was a soft gleam in OLD MORALITY'S starboard eye
when he recognised the signal, and he brought the telescope to the
salute.
"Very kind of you, TOBY; very thoughtful of your Commodore. You know,
nothing is nearer to my heart than the desire to do my duty--duty
to my QUEEN and Country; at the same time, of course as far as
is compatible with the supreme incentive, desiring to meet the
convenience of Hon. Gentlemen in all parts of the House."
Haven't seen OLD MORALITY since, till he turned up to-night, Been
seedy, everybody sorry to hear; judiciously added a week to his
regular holiday. When he entered House this afternoon, good rattling
cheer went up, testifying to his popularity.
"Yes," said WILFRID LAWSON, dropping into poetry--
"Ex-First-Lord from over the sea!
Celt, Home-Ruler, whatever we be,
"We all like OLD MORALI-TEE."
Irish Land Purchase Bill first Order of day, but JOHN DILLON moves
Adjournment, to discuss goings on of Police in Tipperary. PRINCE
ARTHUR, amidst constant interruptions, makes angry reply. His speech
introduces variation on old Constitutional principle.
"The Police," he says in effect, "can do no wrong--at least, in
Ireland."
Mr. G. joins in demands for Parliamentary inquiry. WILLIAM O'BRIEN,
almost hoarse with rage, fulminates against PRINCE ARTHUR and all
his works. But though apparently seethed in passion, does not lose
presence of mind.
"I know," he shouted, "every Dissentient Liberal in this House,"
(here his copy of the Orders, which he had fashioned in rough shape
resembling police baton, and flourished in dangerous fashion, came
down with enormous thud on crown of hat of TOM SUTHERLAND, who
happened to be sitting just beneath him) "--and that's one," O'BRIEN
continued.
[Illustration: The Chairman of P. and O. after Remark from Mr.
O'Brien.]
"Surely," I said to him afterwards, "you didn't mean to call attention
to the Chairman of the P. and O. in that fashion?"
"Not a bit of it. I was going to say, 'I know every Dissentient
Liberal in this House will support the Government in the Division
Lobby;' but when in the middle of the sentence I found I'd come down
on SUTHERLAND'S hat, I thought it would make less fuss if I turned the
remark in the way I left it."
Ingenious this; but SUTHERLAND says, he understands now why many
of the Irish Members are accustomed to wear low-crowned hats during
Parliamentary Debate. Comes a little expensive to sit about listening
with a silk hat on.
_Business done._--Land Purchase Bill in Committee.
_Tuesday._--GRANDOLPH'S seat empty. Not been here since House resumed
after Whitsun holidays. Looked for to-night. Has first place on Orders
with Instruction on going into Committee on Compensation Bill.
SPEAKER been going about with a besom brushing away Instructions.
Only GRANDOLPH'S stands, a monument to his adroitness and ingenuity.
Opposition looking forward to pleasant evening. If GRANDOLPH makes
rattling speech in support of his Instruction, it will make things
disagreeable for the Ministry. Moment comes, but GRANDOLPH lingers.
Cousin CURZON gets up, announces that GRANDOLPH has heard that
Government intend to oppose the Instruction. That being so, he does
not think it expedient, in interests of public business, to persevere
with it. So will stay in Paris, look through the Luxembourg, loiter in
the Louvre, lunch in the Eiffel Tower, and otherwise innocently wile
the hours away.
"No," said Cousin CURZON, when I observed that this was not like the
GRANDOLPH of old times; "he is much altered; as meek as he was
once aggressive. Shudders at the thought of causing a moment's
inconvenience to a Government of which GEORGIE HAMILTON is an
ornament; quite surprised to learn that Government would oppose
Amendment, the carrying of which would be equivalent to defeat
of their measure. When he heard of it at once decided to drop his
Instruction."
_Business done._--In Committee on Compensation Bill.
_Wednesday._--House sitting; Members talking; Bills advanced by
stages; but thoughts of Members concentrated on secret OLD MORALITY
carries in his placid bosom. What proposals are Government going to
make for arrangement of public business? Are they going to drop three
Bills, or two, or one, or carry all three? If so, how is it to be
done? by Autumn Session? by peremptory Closure? or by new device
of carrying over measures into succeeding Session? Over a cup of
five-o'clock, taken in his private room, I frankly put these questions
to OLD MORALITY. No use beating about the bush when you are with old
friends.
"TOBY," he says, as I light another cigarette, and settle myself
to hear the disclosure, "recent morphological inquiry has a curious
bearing on this point. Biologists have lately been busy discussing
the meaning of a certain organ, to which, in the present stage of its
development, it appears impossible to assign any utilitarian value.
The case I allude to is the electric organ in the tail of the skate,
on which Professor COSSAR EWART read a paper before the Royal Society.
You will find a full report of it in _Phil. Trans._, Vol. LXXIX. Other
aquatic animals which possess such organs use them to advantage as
electric batteries against their foes. They feel impelled to do so,
by what I may perhaps distantly allude to as a sense of duty to their
QUEEN and Country. But the electric organ of the skate, though a most
complicated mechanism, a structure as elaborate as any in the animal
kingdom, appears to be of no benefit whatever to its possessor. This
is a very curious thing. I can hardly sleep of nights thinking
about it. Can you suggest any explanation? Excuse me, there's the
division-bell. Perhaps you'll draw me up a little memorandum giving me
your views on the subject."
Very curious indeed. I hadn't mentioned the skate; don't quite see
how he slided into the subject. Shall take another opportunity of
ascertaining OLD MORALITY'S views and intentions with respect to
Government plan for arranging business.
_Business done._--As to electric organ in the tail of the skate.
_Thursday._--A pretty kettle-of-fish. Electric organ of skate seems to
have touched up Government; confusion at Carlton to-day. The MARKISS
met his merry men; proposed that Bills not completed by Prorogation
should be carried over to next Session and taken up at stage reached
this year. Loud outcry in Conservative ranks; proposal denounced as
revolutionary; wouldn't have it on any terms; meeting broke up without
passing any resolution; OLD MORALITY due at House at half-past three
to give notice of Resolutions on Procedure.
"Where are they?" Mr. G. asks, beaming across the table.
"Resolutions?" says OLD MORALITY; "bless you, Sir, I have none to
move."
Grim silence on Ministerial Benches. Jubilation in Opposition camp.
OLD MORALITY plied with questions from all sides; forlornly shakes his
head. Can't say anything now. Can't say when he will be able to say
something. Perhaps on Monday; perhaps some other day. Baited for half
an hour, and then mercifully allowed to escape.
"The tail seems, after all, to have been wagging the skate," I said,
humorously; really sorry to find him so low-spirited. Didn't seem to
see the point of joke, and usually so apt at badinage. A curious state
of affairs; perhaps a memorable day.
_Business done._--In Committee on Compensation Bill.
_Friday._--"Lo! a strange thing has happened." (W. BLACK.) Yesterday
Conservatives in open revolt; Ministry seemed tottering; Opposition
jubilant. To-day things righted themselves; the rebels say it was
only their fun; Dissentient Liberals throw arms round neck of MARKISS;
protest they would never desert him; Opposition depressed; Ministers
elate.
"The head seems to have got the better of the complicated mechanism
in the rear of the skate," I say to OLD MORALITY, a little timidly,
remembering failure of yesterday's flash of humour. Quick comes the
beaming smile. "You're a funny dog, TOBY," says OLD MORALITY, looking
ten years younger than yesterday.
_Business done._--In Committee on Compensation Bill.
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