SCENE.--_The Vicarage Library (according to plan)._
TIME.--_Early next morning._
(_When the Act opens the stage is dark, but the morning sun
shines in through the chinks of the shutters_; LUCY _enters
in white biking costume; she steals downstairs, puts jacket
on chair_ R., _crosses to_ O.P. _windows, opens shutters, and
draws curtains--crosses to back and does the same; then waves
handkerchief to_ THORSBY, _and runs up stairs again; stands
looking off, to see no one has heard; after a moment_ THORSBY
_enters; steals to balustrade and kisses_ LUCY'S _hand, which is
on the balustrade_.)
THOR. Darling!
LUCY. Hush!
THOR. Mustn't I?--on our wedding day?
LUCY. No!
THOR. Oh!
LUCY. At least--whatever you wish to convey to me must be done in dumb
show.
THOR. I see. (_he kisses her_)
LUCY. Mind my hat. (_looks off_) When we have been married a few years
you'll realize that my hats must be treated very respectfully.
THOR. I suppose the household is still in bed?
LUCY. Yes. (_crosses to settle and sits on_ R. _end_) I crept
downstairs feeling like a burglar. I had one awful moment--I stumbled
over Auntie's shoes--they were outside her door.
THOR. My dearest--that was rather careless. (_leans on post_)
LUCY. Careless! Auntie's shoes aren't easy to avoid in a narrow
passage. It was all right. Uncle and Aunty were still asleep--I could
hear them----
THOR. And Captain Dorvaston?
LUCY. Oh! I expect Jack was asleep, too, not dreaming the hour of his
emancipation was at hand. Poor old Jack! I wish he was coming with us.
THOR. Hum! Do you?
LUCY. I wish he could have given me away.
THOR. I--hardly share that feeling.
LUCY. You don't know him; he'd have done it in a minute if I'd asked
him. I'd have told him all about it, only he's such a clumsy old
duffer; he might have given me away in a different sense.
THOR. You seem to place great reliance on his affection for you.
LUCY. He has tons of affection for me--tons--but not love--at least,
not the business article you and I deal in. (THORSBY _goes to embrace
her, she waves him off_) By the way, Harry, (_she is putting on her
gloves_) there are one or two points we have never properly settled.
THOR. What are they?
LUCY. I mean to be a clinking parson's wife.
THOR. Darling! (_moves to her, she waves him off as before_)
LUCY. Hold on! I mean to be a clinking parson's wife, but I have my
limitations. Church on Sunday--how many times?
THOR. (_hesitatingly_) Three?
LUCY. Oh, no! Mornings generally, evenings sometimes, afternoons never.
THOR. Never?
LUCY. Never! (THORSBY _moves to_ C.; LUCY _rises and follows_) Now
you're shocked--your face has grown a couple of inches longer. Well,
if I'm not orthodox enough for you it's off, and I'll go back to bed
again. (_moves to go_)
THOR. Lucy dear, (_catches her arm_) in answer to what you said, I
shall merely exact one promise.
LUCY. Which is?
THOR. That in all things--and in all seasons--you will do--or not
do--whatever you please. Do you promise?
LUCY. (_after slight pause. She puts left hand on shoulder_) Harry, I
do promise; it shall be exactly as you say. Indeed, indeed, I'll keep
my word. Now then, fasten my glove, and we'll go and get it over. (_he
proceeds to fasten her glove, as_ CAROLINE _enters, carrying a small
tray with coffee, bread and butter, etc.; she also carries a large shoe
under her arm_)
CAR. (_at top of stairs_) I beg your pardon. (LUCY _and_ THORSBY _are
much startled_. THORSBY _moves away towards table_ R.C.)
LUCY. Cook!
THOR. Dear me!
CAR. I hope I didn't startle you?
LUCY. Oh, no!
THOR. Not at all!
CAR. (_comes down, and stands at bottom of stairs_) I thought you might
like a cup of coffee (_smiling_) to help you face the ordeal.
LUCY. Was that why you wanted to know last night what time I meant to
start?
CAR. No. I told you I wanted to think of you, and wish you luck. The
coffee was an afterthought.
LUCY. I see.
CAR. Won't you both sit down and have it comfortably?
LUCY. Is it safe to wait? (_crosses up_ C. _and looks off--anxiously_)
CAR. Quite.
LUCY. Keziah?
CAR. Keziah is not awake--I wrapped the alarum in a blanket. (LUCY
_crosses to top_; THORSBY _to_ R.; COOK _crosses to top of chair and
puts tray on table and shoe on chair_ L.; LUCY _and_ THORSBY _then sit_)
LUCY. It has probably dawned on you, Harry, that Cook is a good friend
of ours?
THOR. It has, indeed! (_he rises, bows--sits again_)
CAR. Cook was once young herself--it was some years ago--but she
hasn't forgotten the circumstances. (_to_ LUCY) Milk and sugar?
LUCY. Thanks. (_she holds cup to her_)
CAR. Mr. Thorsby?
THOR. If you please--two lumps. (_she hands cup to him_)
CAR. Bread and butter? (_they both take some_) It isn't up to
much--yesterday's loaf--but it was the best I could do. And how do you
both feel? Nervous?
LUCY. Beastly nervous! (_eating_)
THOR. (_eating_) The moment is naturally a solemn one. I feel anxious,
but not nervous. (_takes up cup and drinks_)
LUCY. Oh, it's all right for you; you've tied up such a lot of poor
misguided people, that you know the words backwards. It's different
with me--I know I shall bungle it.
CAR. There are only three words that really signify.
LUCY. Which three?
CAR. Love, honor, and obey.
LUCY. I think I can manage the first two, but I mean to slur the third,
(THORSBY _drops cup in saucer_) cough, or sneeze or something.
THOR. (_to_ CAROLINE, _smiling_) That sounds rather an alarming
prospect. Don't you pity me?
CAR. (_glancing at_ LUCY, _and also smiling_) No, I don't think I do.
(_crosses_ C.) How do you go to Church?
LUCY. (_rising_) We are going to bike there. By-the-bye, would you tell
somebody--Auntie or Jack--anybody will do--that I've run over to see my
friend, Jenny Thornton, and they're not to wait breakfast?
THOR. (_rising_) My dear Lucy, ought we to involve a third person in
our deception?
CAR. The third person hasn't a very tender conscience in such matters.
(_to_ LUCY) I'll tell your little fib for you with pleasure.
LUCY. (_leans over chair, sees shoe_) There, Harry, I knew she would.
Thank you, Cook. (_taking up the shoe which_ COOK _has placed on a
chair_) What's this?
CAR. (C.) I wanted to throw a shoe after you, and that was the only one
I could find. It's one of your Aunt's--she put it outside her door to
be cleaned.
THOR. Dear me! It looks rather formidable.
CAR. It _is_ large! We'll hope that the luck it brings will be
proportionate. Now, I should say it was time for you to go.
THOR. (_going up to window_) Yes, I don't think we ought to delay.
LUCY. (_puts shoe down again, crosses up to window, and down to below
table_ C.) All right, come along. Stop a second though. I say, Harry,
have you got everything?
THOR. (_returns from_ R.) Got everything? (COOK _crosses to back of
table, and puts things on tray_)
LUCY. Everybody's fee. I should like to do the thing well.
THOR. Yes.
LUCY. How about the ring?
THOR. Eh? Oh, yes, I--(_searching his pockets_) I bought it yesterday.
(_still searching_)
LUCY. Very likely, but have you got it with you to-day?
THOR. I certainly think so. I have a distinct recollection of putting
it in my waistcoat pocket. (_still searching_)
LUCY. You've lost it. (_to_ COOK) There's a pretty mess!
THOR. Ah! here it is. (COOK _crosses to_ C.) There is a hole in the
pocket, and it had slipped down into the lining.
LUCY. (_to_ COOK) Thank goodness! That would have been a nice thing,
wouldn't it?
CAR. (_to_ LUCY) Will you wear this? It's only syringa, but it looks
like orange blossom. (LUCY _and_ THORSBY _exchange glances_) I picked
it for you this morning.
LUCY. (_fixing it_) You _have_ been kind to me, and I've no means of
thanking you. Will you stoop down and let me kiss you? (COOK _does so_)
I'm afraid that's all I can do.
CAR. I'm quite repaid. I fancy Mr. Thorsby agrees with me. (LUCY
_crosses up to window_)
THOR. (_goes up_ R. _a little; takes_ LUCY'S _coat with him_) Good-bye!
May I add my thanks also?
CAR. Not at all. Good-bye.
LUCY. (_crosses down again to_ COOK) It isn't good-bye--we're coming
back as soon as it's over; and we mean to tell everything to everybody.
So we shall see you again.
CAR. One never knows what may happen. I think we'll make it good-bye.
(_puts hand on_ LUCY'S _shoulder_) Now, go along and get married, and
live happy ever after, as they do in the fairy tales. (THORSBY _goes
out of the window_; LUCY _follows, but turns and kisses her hand. They
go_)
(COOK _follows them to the verandah, and throws shoe as she returns
for tray_. DORVASTON _enters from_ O. P. _door_.)
DOR. Hulloa! Good-morning!
CAR. (_at top of table_) Good morning. Rather a close shave.
DOR. I beg your pardon?
CAR. Nothing! (_is taking up tray_)
DOR. (_at top of table_ R. _of_ COOK) Look here, don't go. I want to
have half a word with you.
CAR. Well?
DOR. I--saw to that little job.
CAR. Yes?
DOR. I--put him in the ditch.
CAR. Thanks. Did he say anything?
DOR. (_top of table_) He muttered something about another whiskey, and
that he would like to be called about nine. Now would you mind telling
me a little about it all? Give you my word it ain't mere curiosity,
it's interest in you and everything that concerns you.
CAR. (_at back of chair_ L.) I told you the chief thing last night. Mr.
Crayll was my husband at one time.
DOR. You say he was your husband.
CAR. Yes. We are divorced.
DOR. Oh, that was it! (_pause_) I haven't known your--er--I haven't
known Crayll more than a day or two, but I can see he's an awful little
swine. I suppose he treated you anyhow?
CAR. Yes. Is there anything else you would like me to tell you?
DOR. It's extraordinary good of you to give me your confidence.
CAR. You've earned it. (_takes tray, and turns_)
DOR. (_crosses behind her, to her_ L.) Well then, I say, what are you
going to do now?
CAR. See to the breakfast.
DOR. No, no! I mean about--Miss Pillenger--and--the broom cupboard.
There'll be an infernal row, and I'm afraid you'll get beans.
CAR. (_smiles_) I'm used to handling all kinds of vegetables.
(DORVASTON _laughs too_) As I told you last night, it doesn't matter.
DOR. (_sits_ L. _of table_) But, by George, it _does_ matter! When I
asked you then to let me be of use to you, I put it to you as a favor,
now I ask it as a right. I got you into this mess, simply through my
beastly clumsiness, and you've got to let me see you through it somehow.
CAR. (_back of table_) News has reached me, in rather a roundabout way,
that I have come into some money; so you see I'm independent--of Miss
Pillenger--and the broom cupboard.
DOR. Really?
CAR. Really!
DOR. You're not--pulling my leg?
CAR. (_smiling_) No!
DOR. Then I'm devilish glad for your sake, and devilish sorry for my
own. I thought at last I saw my way--to doing you a turn.
CAR. (_places her hand on chair at back of_ DORVASTON) My life hasn't
been a very pleasant one, but in one respect I've been lucky, I have
known two men who honestly tried to befriend a woman.
DOR. Who was the other chap?
CAR. His name is Carruthers.
DOR. Not old Bob? (_rises and backs_ C.)
CAR. (_affirmatively_) Old Bob.
DOR. Why, he's a dear pal of mine!
CAR. Is he?
DOR. And did he try to be a pal to _you_?
CAR. I was thinking of his kindness to Lady Huntworth.
DOR. Ah, how about Lady Huntworth? Did you know her?
CAR. Yes! (_smiling_) We are rather intimate--like myself she was
unfortunate in her choice of a husband.
DOR. Huntworth brought the divorce, didn't he?
CAR. Yes. Thinking he saw his way to marrying another woman, with
another fortune, he brought his suit against his wife and your friend.
DOR. Damn him! Pardon! couldn't help it. (_crosses and kneels on chair_
L. _of table_)
CAR. The whole thing was utterly untrue and I know she asked Bob to
join her in making no defence rather than remain Lady Huntworth.
DOR. The only thing that rather fogs me is, when the verdict was once
given, why didn't Bob marry her?
CAR. He did suggest it.
DOR. Well?
CAR. She said no.
DOR. Why did she do that?
CAR. She knew he didn't care for _her_, nor she for _him_--at least not
in that way.
DOR. (_rises, crosses_ C.) Still, it was game of her to refuse! There
ain't many women placed as she was who'd have done it. (_goes up and
leans on balustrade, thinking_)
CAR. Perhaps not. (_pause--takes up tray and crosses_ C.; _as she
moves_ C. DORVASTON _turns and places hand on tray_) I must go now.
DOR. No, wait one minute. I'm going on duty directly. My duty is to
make Lucy a happy little woman and I mean to do it. But you seem to
be going down rather a lonely road and I want you to remember that
somewhere or other there is an old duffer lumbering about the world who
will never forget you--will you remember?
CAR. I shall remember. (_pulls tray away_) Now I really can't stay any
longer. (_crosses to first step_)
DOR. (_holding out his hand_) I say! (_she turns--places tray on
balustrade_) Will you?
CAR. Of course! Why not? (_they shake hands_)
DOR. Supposing I'd been a free man, do you think you--could----
CAR. Oh! (_draws hand away and takes up tray, moves to second step_)
That opens out a very large question. I haven't time to answer that.
DOR. (_touches her on shoulder, she turns_) I wonder if we shall ever
come across each other in the future?
CAR. (_looking at him_) More unlikely things have happened. (_mounts
third step, turns to him_) Good-bye! (_exit_)
(DORVASTON _sinks into big chair lost in thought, takes out
cigarette case_. GANDY _enters, door_ R., _and is crossing the
stage_.)
DOR. Good morning! (GANDY _crosses from_ O.P. _to steps_)
GAN. Mornin'. (C.)
DOR. Got a match about you?
GAN. No. (_crosses to mantel_) There should be a box 'ere. (_goes to
mantel_) There is! (_he brings them to_ DORVASTON)
DOR. (_taking them, rises_) Thanks! I suppose the papers haven't come
yet?
GAN. They 'aven't.
DOR. You seem a trifle down. Not quite your own bright self, are you?
(_lights cigarette_)
GAN. I ain't!
DOR. You went to see your mother, didn't you?
GAN. Yes.
DOR. Hope you found her feeling fit?
GAN. She's fit enough! It's me.
DOR. What's the matter? (_hands back matches_)
GAN. Weal cutlet for supper--that's wot's the matter! (DORVASTON
_crosses up back to window_. GANDY _puts matches on mantelpiece_) I've
always done my dooty by mother, so I picked a bit, and then I went
to bed and dreamt I was superintendin' my own funeral. Weal cutlet!
(_crosses up steps_) Mother gets above herself.
DOR. (_at window_) Have you tried a drop of brandy?
GAN. I 'ave. (_first step_)
DOR. I should try another.
GAN. (_second step_) I mean to. (DORVASTON _strolls out through the
window and off_ R. MISS PILLENGER _enters_ L., GANDY _giving way_)
MISS P. Gandy, can you tell me what has happened to my shoes?
GAN. No.
MISS P. I put them outside my door last night, but this morning I find
one of them still uncleaned and the other has disappeared. You haven't
seen it, I suppose?
GAN. I 'aven't.
MISS P. Very singular! (_crosses to window up back._ GANDY _goes up
stairs_) Have you seen Miss Lucy? She is not in her room!
GAN. No.
(MR. PILLENGER _enters_ L. GANDY _gives way. He has cut his cheek
while shaving and is wearing a piece of black sticking plaster._)
PIL. Good morning!
MISS P. Good morning, Audley.
PIL. (_to_ GANDY) Has the post come?
GAN. No, it ain't. (_he goes off_ L.)
MISS P. You appear to have had an accident.
PIL. Accident!
MISS P. In completing your toilette.
PIL. Eh? Hum--yes. The razor slipped. My nervous system is slightly
disorganized.
MISS P. The result of last night.
PIL. (_startled_) Last night? I--er--fail to understand you.
MISS P. I was referring to your indisposition.
PIL. Oh!--Ah!--exactly. (_crosses to window_)
MISS P. Are you going out?
PIL. I thought the fresh morning air might be beneficial.
MISS P. I must ask you to remain. I have a most painful subject to
talk over with you. (_sits_ R.)
PIL. Need we deal with it now? Painful subjects should never be
discussed on an empty--before breakfast.
MISS P. It does not admit of delay. We may have to face a serious
scandal.
PIL. (_crosses to chair_ L.) Scandal! I trust, Hannah, you are weighing
your words very carefully.
MISS P. I am not in the habit of speaking heedlessly. What I have to
tell you refers to Cook--(DORVASTON _appears at the window--he has_
MISS PILLENGER'S _shoe in his hand_)--and to Captain Dorvaston.
(DORVASTON _enters smoking_.)
PIL. Ah! here--is--er--Captain Dorvaston. (_he crosses to_ L. _and
indicates to_ DORVASTON _that_ MISS PILLENGER _is in the room_.
DORVASTON _throws cigarette away and comes to top of chair_ R. C.)
DOR. Good morning, sir. Good morning, ma'am! (MISS PILLENGER _bows
frigidly_. DORVASTON _crosses to chair_)
PIL. Hannah was just--er--mentioning, as you entered, that--you----
DOR. (_quietly beating the back of chair with shoe_) Yes, I fancied I
caught my name. What were you saying, ma'am?
MISS P. I was saying, Captain Dorvaston---- (_she notices the shoe_)
What are you doing with that shoe?
DOR. Just picked it up.
MISS P. Why did you touch it? Your doing so seems to me to be strangely
wanting in delicacy.
DOR. Don't see anything indelicate in picking up an old shoe. I found
it on the garden path.
MISS P. My shoe on the garden path!
DOR. Yours! I thought it was Gandy's.
MISS P. If you thought to keep me a prisoner in my room by the removal
of my shoe, the expedient was abortive. I have several other pairs.
DOR. Don't know what the deuce you're driving at, ma'am. Sorry I
disturbed the thing. Shall I put it back?
MISS P. I will thank you to restore it to me. (DORVASTON _hands shoe,
and_ MISS PILLENGER _crosses, and puts it on cabinet_ R.) Thank you!
(_she returns and sits_ L. _of table_) Now, with your permission, I
will resume what I was saying to Mr. Pillenger when you came in. (_the
men exchange glances_) I warned you last night I should consider it my
duty to acquaint Lucy with the details of--my--very painful discovery
(DORVASTON _starts to go off at window_; PILLENGER _follows his
example upstairs_) but I find she has gone out for a walk--at least
so I imagine. Well--Audley--Audley (MISS PILLENGER _calls_ PILLENGER
_back, and he calls_ DORVASTON _back_; PILLENGER _sits on settle, and_
DORVASTON _leans on balustrade_) Well, Audley, the painful discovery I
allude to was this. After returning home last night I had occasion to
visit the kitchen in order to speak to Cook for a moment. While doing
so, I heard a mysterious noise. I investigated its origin, and found
Captain Dorvaston concealed in the broom cupboard. He was unable to
give me any lucid explanation. I now leave the matter in your hands.
(_slight pause_)
DOR. I don't know whether it's much good me saying anything--is it, sir?
PIL. (_rises_) I think otherwise. (DORVASTON _surprised_) I shall be
very happy to hear anything you care to tell me. Appearances are often
misleading.
MISS P. But, Audley, surely----
PIL. Hannah, the matter has now been submitted to my judgment. I shall
not approach it in a spirit of carping doubt. If our dear friend can
give us his personal assurance that the whole thing was--a--little joke
for instance----
MISS P. A little joke!
PIL. If he could tell us that in concealing himself in the--er--broom
cupboard, he had an idea of jumping out suddenly and startling somebody
by saying "Boo"--not you particularly--but Cook, or Keziah, or
myself----
MISS P. You? What should you be doing in the kitchen?
PIL. No--that is so; but still, though I deprecate practical joking
as a rule, I should consider the explanation as not being without a
certain measure of antecedent plausibility.
MISS P. You appear to be putting words into Captain Dorvaston's mouth.
PIL. No, pardon me, I merely say that such a line of defence would
carry conviction to an unbiased mind. The army is proverbially a
light-hearted profession.
DOR. Well, sir, I'm afraid I can't exactly say that.
MISS P. There!
PIL. In any case, Hannah, our friend Dorvaston is Lucy's
responsibility. (_leans on mantel_)
MISS P. At all events, Cook is _yours_!
PIL. Eh? Hum--yes----
MISS P. You will of course ring the bell and discharge her.
PIL. I--really think we should endeavour to avoid any----
MISS P. (_rises_) Her continued presence in the house would be an
insult to _me_.
PIL. (_loudly_) To avoid any appearance of temper--do you hear me,
Hannah?--of temper.
DOR. (_coming to_ MISS PILLENGER) Upon my soul, ma'am, Cook hadn't
anything to do with it. I was there against her wish.
PIL. (_crossing to_ C.) Surely that is a most convincing testimony.
DOR. I know last night things didn't look quite square, but whatever
fault there _was_, was my fault.
PIL. Precisely! No doubt! (_the men look at each other_)
DOR. I was chatting to Cook--it was a stoopid thing to do--but there
was no harm in it.
PIL. None whatever, I feel sure.
DOR. In fact, the governor knows there wasn't!
MISS P. How should my brother know?
PIL. Hum!--tut--tut!
DOR. How! Why, because he was in the lar---- (_pause_, MISS PILLENGER
_stares, both men stare at each other with their mouths open_)
PIL. (_eagerly_) I was sure to take a broad-minded view. Doubtless that
is our friend's meaning.
DOR. Yes, that is what I meant. It got late, and I heard you coming,
ma'am, and I knew you're a bit strict, don't you know!
PIL. Quite so!
DOR. And as I was supposed to be seedy, I thought you'd take my being
there the wrong way, don't you see? So I--nipped into the broom
cupboard, don't you understand? (_crosses up back_)
PIL. (_crosses to top of table_) To a moderately impartial intelligence
the whole thing is as clear as day, and really reflects discredit on no
one.
MISS P. Is it your intention to say nothing to Cook on the subject?
PIL. I think we should give her to understand that careful
investigation has tended to modify our original misconception of the
true facts of the case.
MISS P. (_rising_) Then, Audley, I have this to say---- (_crosses to_
R.)
(GANDY _enters_ L.)
GAN. (_at top of steps_) I've just found a gent in the dry ditch at the
end of the garden.
PIL. (_pause_) A gent in the ditch! (DORVASTON _crosses to balustrade_)
What gent?--er--gentleman?
GAN. 'E was asleep and I shook 'im--'e grunted, and I shook 'im again.
'E says his name's Crayll, and 'e'd like to see you.
PIL. Crayll! (_to_ DORVASTON) That is the person who called on you
yesterday?
DOR. Yes, I know him.
PIL. He wished to see _me_? (_to_ GANDY)
GAN. 'E said so.
PIL. Show him in. (GANDY _goes out_. DORVASTON _crosses_ L.) Surely a
most singular circumstance! Why did he go to sleep in my ditch? (MISS
PILLENGER _crosses up to top of window_)
DOR. I suppose, as he's an acquaintance of mine, he thought you
wouldn't object.
PIL. He must be very eccentric. (_crosses to_ R. _corner_)
DOR. Yes, he's a rum sort of chap! (GANDY _enters, followed by_ CRAYLL,
_who looks rather dilapidated_)
GAN. Mr. Crayll! (_at top of steps--he goes out_--CRAYLL _is at top of
steps_)
CRAY. Good mornin'! (_at top of steps_)
PIL. Good morning!
CRAY. (_to_ DORVASTON) How are you? (_crosses down and puts hat on
settle_)
DOR. How are you?
CRAY. Think I'll sit down. (_crosses_ R.) Feel rather shaky. (_he sits_
L. _of table_; DORVASTON _is standing with his back to the fireplace_)
PIL. By all means. (_indicating_ MISS PILLENGER) My sister!
CRAY. Oh! (_he nods carelessly_)
PIL. But, my dear sir, (_sits_ R.) I understand you passed the
night--or some portion of it--in er--the ditch?
CRAY. 'Pears I did.
PIL. But--how did you get there?
CRAY. How the devil should I know?
PIL. Tut, tut!
CRAY. I must have bin sprung last night, that's about the size of it.
I seem to recollect somebody pickin' me up, and then chuckin' me down
again, like a sack of coals. (_to_ PILLENGER) It wasn't you, was it?
PIL. Certainly not! But you seem to be shivering. May I offer you
anything?
MISS P. (_from back of table--coming down a little_) A hot cup of tea?
CRAY. Tea be damned!
PIL. Tut! (MISS PILLENGER _is shocked, and goes up_)
CRAY. No, I should like a hair of the dog that bit me.
PIL. (_rises excitedly and leans over table_) Bitten by a dog! Good
Heavens! My dear sir, the place should be cauterised at once--no time
should be lost!
CRAY. Oh, don't be such an ass! I mean whiskey. (_looking closely at_
PILLENGER) What's that on your face? What is it? What's that filthy
black thing crawling over your face?
PIL. I--er--you probably----
CRAY. What is it? (_loudly--rises excitedly_) Why the devil don't you
tell me what it is?
PIL. A slight accident in shaving. My razor is somewhat out of
condition--merely sticking plaster.
CRAY. Oh! (_subsiding_) Thought it was a spider. (_pause_) I want to
talk to you.
PIL. Yes. (_sits_)
CRAY. Want to say a word or two about your Cook. (DORVASTON _makes a
slight movement_; MISS PILLENGER _crosses down to chair_)
PIL. Indeed!
CRAY. I s'pose you didn't know much about her when you took her. Did
you?
MISS P. No.
PIL. Hannah, permit me! In answer to your inquiry, I may say we
obtained the highest testimonials from the Duchess of Sturton.
CRAY. Oh yes, that's all right--they're pals. (_all start_) Did she
tell you your Cook was married.
MISS P. Married?
PIL. Hannah! Hannah! No, sir, she did not.
CRAY. Well she _is_. Did she say she was a well-known society woman,
who wasn't living with her husband?
MISS P. Good gracious!
PIL. Her Grace did not mention the fact--if it _is_ a fact.
CRAY. It _is_--you may lay your shirt on it. That ain't quite the sort
of party you want in your kitchen, is it? Now I happen to know the
husband'd be willin' to overlook the past--and take her back again----
PIL. Er--really?
CRAY. He's a good-natured beggar, and he don't bear malice. He put it
to her, but she's an obstinate devil--she didn't listen to reason. Now
it struck me that as you're a magpie----
PIL. Tut!
MISS P. A magpie?
CRAY. Beg pardon--I mean as you're a parson, with your eye on the
marriage service--"Those who Heaven joined" and all that kind of
thing--you might see your way to chuckin' her out, neck and crop,
without a character--D'you see?--and so bring her to a sense of dooty.
MISS P. Really, Audley, there is something to be said for this
gentleman's suggestion.
PIL. Whatever course it may ultimately be desirable for me to adopt, I
shall require more definite information than I at present possess as to
the intentions and--er--general identity--of the alleged husband.
CRAY. You can have it. I'm her husband.
PIL. You! (MISS PILLENGER _also conveys surprise_)
CRAY. Yes, you ask her; she'll admit she's been married all right.
MISS P. I'll ring for her at once. (_makes movement, rises and crosses
to_ L.)
CRAY. (_hastily_) Hold hard! Stop that, old woman! (MISS PILLENGER
_pauses_) I don't want to see her--there wouldn't be any good in
that--the meeting would be painful all round. (_rising_) No! you do
what I say--tell her to pack up her traps and go--and then my arms
will be open to her. (MISS PILLENGER _returns and sits_) Good mornin'!
(_crosses_ C.)
(CRAYLL _goes_ L., DORVASTON _intercepts him_.)
DOR. You're not leaving us?
CRAY. Yes, I am!
DOR. I think not!
CRAY. What d'you mean? I suppose I can go when I like? (_moves forward_)
DOR. You will go when I like; and before you do, you've got to face
the lady you've just been trying to injure. Sit down there (_pointing
to settle_) and don't move, or I shall hurt you! (CRAYLL _hesitates_)
Sit down! (CRAYLL _sits sulkily_) Now I'm going to ring the bell, and
Mr. Pillenger will send for Mrs. Crayll; but if you try to get away, I
shall probably hurt you rather badly. Do you follow me?
CRAY. Yes.
DOR. That's all right. (_crosses and rings bell; to_ MR. PILLENGER)
Sorry to take the business out of your hands, sir, but we've got to see
it through, don't you know?
PIL. I think it would undoubtedly be desirable. (GANDY _enters_)
Will you ask Mrs.--er--I mean--er--kindly inform Cook we should like
to speak to her. (GANDY _goes out_, MISS PILLENGER _sits; long pause,
during which no one moves_) Er--wonderful how the--eh--fine weather
lasts! (_another pause_)
(_Then_ CAROLINE _enters in outdoor costume; she is putting on her
gloves. She comes down the steps and advances quietly to the
table._)
CAR. You have something to say to me?
MISS P. Yes, we have.
CAR. That is fortunate, because I have something to say to you.
PIL. (MISS PILLENGER _makes to speak_) Hannah, you will greatly oblige
me by remaining silent. We wished, Cook----
CAR. (_near chair_ C.) Pardon me, Mr. Pillenger, I have no longer any
claim to that title--I beg to hand in my resignation.
PIL. You contemplate leaving us?
CAR. Yes. I've sent for a fly.
MISS P. Audley, since this lady objects to be referred to as Cook, I
think you should address her by her name--her real name.
CAR. (_glancing at_ MISS PILLENGER) I doubt if you know it.
MISS P. We are better informed than you imagine, Mrs. Crayll!
CAR. Oh, that's it!
PIL. (_rises_) My dear madam, pray believe the--er--somewhat startling
information came to us unsought. Our informant was that gentleman.
(_points to_ CRAYLL)
CAR. What gentleman?
DOR. (_to_ CRAYLL) You can stand up now. (CRAYLL _rises and crosses
down_ L. C., _and advances a step or two_. COOK _turns and sees him_)
CAR. I see! (_slight pause_) Well, what has he told you?
MISS P. This gentleman came here this morning to beg us----
CAR. To turn me out?
MISS P. Be that as it may, he is anxious to make an appeal to his, I
fear, misguided wife.
CAR. Is he indeed?
CRAY. I've been tellin' 'em I want you to come back--man can't say
more, can he?
CAR. What else did he tell you?
MISS P. He mentioned you were a well-known woman in society--and that
you had been living apart from your husband.
CAR. Quite so! Was that all he said?
PIL. I think that embraced the whole of Mr. Crayll's statement.
(_pause_)
CAR. Up to a certain point he told the truth. I did marry him some
years ago.
MISS P. You concealed the fact when you entered our service.
CAR. It wasn't a thing I felt inclined to boast of. As he was so
confidential, it seems odd he forgot to tell you we were recently
divorced.
PIL. Divorced!
MISS P. Divorced!
CAR. There is one other thing--I think it is only fair you should know
what a distinguished individual you have been entertaining in the
person of Mr. Crayll.
CRAY. Keep your infernal tongue between your teeth!
CAR. This gentleman----
CRAY. I shan't stay here to be baited--and badgered. (_going_)
DOR. (_advancing_) You'll stay where you are!
CAR. This gentleman is Lord Huntworth, I am--I was Lady Huntworth.
(_all convey astonishment_) Last night Lord Huntworth dropped in the
kitchen a letter. It was from a firm of solicitors.
CRAY. (_putting his hand to his breast pocket_) Damn!
CAR. Telling him I had inherited a large sum of money. Lord Huntworth
is rather hard up just now. There is nothing unusual in the
circumstance, but I mention it because it explains the reason of his
generous offer to condone the past. (_pause_) Here is your letter;
(_producing it_) you needn't trouble to answer it--I shall call on
Messrs. Brampton and Stokes in the course of the day. (CRAYLL _snatches
the letter_) I don't think we need detain you any longer, need we?
(CRAYLL _turns for hat_ L., _snarls at_ DORVASTON _and exits up steps_;
CAROLINE _watches him off_)
PIL. Is it actually the case that you are the Lady Huntworth?
CAR. (_turns to the_ PILLENGERS) Yes, I am the Lady Huntworth who is so
widely and so very unfavourably known. (_turns to_ DORVASTON) Would you
oblige me by ringing the bell, Captain Dorvaston?
DOR. Certainly? (_he does so_)
CAR. (_again speaking to the_ PILLENGERS) If I thought there was even
a chance that you could understand my doing what I have done I would
try to make it clear to you, but you couldn't--I should only waste your
time and my own. (GANDY _enters_) Gandy, has the fly come?
GAN. It 'as.
CAR. Thanks! Good-bye! (_she holds out her hand, he takes it
respectfully_) We've been good friends, haven't we?
GAN. We 'ave; servin' with you 'as bin a honour. (_exit_)
CAR. (_smiling and to the_ PILLENGERS) Mr. Pillenger--(_he rises_)
You have done everything in your power to render my little experiment
a pleasant one. I am grateful; and if your thoughts should ever turn
in my direction I hope you will let your mind dwell on the excellence
of my curried chicken, rather than on the supposed hopelessness of my
moral character. Good-bye.
PIL. (_bows sadly_) Good-bye! (_sits disconsolate_; COOK _nods to_ MR.
PILLENGER _pleasantly; then turns and gives a very stately bow to_ MISS
PILLENGER, _who stiffly returns it_; COOK _then goes_ L., _but pauses
as she mounts the steps and speaks to_ DORVASTON)
CAR. We have already taken leave of each other, but it has occurred to
me that perhaps you might care to let me hear from you. I am leaving
England for some time, but that address will find me. (_gives a card to
him_) Poste Restante, Brussels.
DOR. Poste Restante, Brussels.
CAR. Yes. Good-bye!
DOR. (_with a sigh_) Good-bye! (_sits down on settle; she goes out_)
(_After she has gone_ DORVASTON _sits pensively on the settle;
there is a pause; all three sit staring at nothing; then_ GANDY
_enters with newspapers at window; he goes to_ PILLENGER.)
GAN. (_crosses to_ R. _to_ PILLENGER) "Standard!" (PILLENGER _takes
it, but allows it to drop by his side_; GANDY _then crosses to_ MISS
PILLENGER) "Church Times!" (_he then crosses to_ DORVASTON _and hands
him the other paper_) "Sportin' Life!" (PILLENGER _and_ DORVASTON _pick
up papers and try to read_; MISS DORVASTON _reads_, GANDY _goes up two
steps, then turns_) 'Ow about dinner?
PIL. Eh?
DOR. What?
GAN. 'Ow about dinner?
PIL. Don't dare allude to it. (_rises and sits at exit_)
DOR. Get out of the room! (_rises and sits at exit_)
(GANDY _goes out, the two men open their papers firmly and
begin to read_; LUCY _enters at window followed nervously by_
THORSBY--LUCY _dragging him into_ C.; LUCY _is_ L. C., THORSBY R.
C.)
LUCY. Good-morning, everybody!
MISS P. Good morning!
PIL. (_not looking up_) Good morning!
DOR. (_doing the same_) Good morning!
LUCY. I've brought Mr. Thorsby with me.
MISS P. Good day, Mr. Thorsby! (_he bows_)
DOR. (_not looking round_) Ah, Thorsby! (THORSBY _bows_)
DOR. (_not looking round_) How are you, Thorsby? (THORSBY _bows once
more_)
LUCY. We've just been married.
MISS P. } What? (_all rise and throw down papers_;
PIL. } DORVASTON _immediately takes Bradshaw off_
DOR. } _mantel and sits on settle looking out trains_)
LUCY. Uncle, it wasn't Harry's doing, so if you feel riled you
must pitch into me. I'm responsible. Harry hated the deception all
through--didn't you?
THOR. I----
LUCY. All right, don't interrupt. We started early, biked over to
Ingledene Church--did the trick--rode back, and we want everybody's
blessing, and a good breakfast.
PIL. As you are practically independent of my control I fear I have no
power to withhold the blessing. The good breakfast may be less easily
obtained.
LUCY. Why?
PIL. Cook has left us? (_crosses up to desk_ R., _kicking the papers
from his feet viciously as he goes_)
LUCY. Oh! I'm sorry! She got up early, and made us some coffee, (_takes
hat up_ R. C.)
DOR. Then she knew?
LUCY. Of course she did! I told her.
MISS P. She would naturally take a prominent part in any duplicity.
(_crossing to window_; THORSBY _goes up after her to make his peace_)
LUCY. That's all rot. She was a real good sort--a long way better than
most of us (_she goes to_ DORVASTON) Jack, old boy!
DOR. Yes, little woman? (_sitting_ L. _looking at Bradshaw_)
LUCY. You're the only one that matters. I cared for Harry--and you
didn't care for me--did you? Tell me you didn't, or I shall hate
myself. You'd have married me and tried to look pleasant, but it would
have taken you all your time. Now, Jack, I want to hear you take your
oath you don't mind.
DOR. (_rises_) Mind! (_rings bell, returns, and takes_ LUCY _by both
hands_) My dear child, you don't know what a turn you've done me by
throwing me over for a better man. Mind? (_crosses to_ THORSBY, _claps
him on the shoulder_) My dear Thorsby, I wish you all the luck you
could wish yourself--and you'll get it! A chap who could carry out a
thing of this kind in such an exceptional way has all the makings of a
future bishop. (GANDY _enters_) Pack my things at once; I must catch
the 11:15 to town. (GANDY _goes out_)
LUCY. Going to leave us?
DOR. (_crosses to_ LUCY) I must, little woman--but I won't forget
to send you a wedding present--silver mug--no, that's later! (LUCY
_crosses to_ THORSBY U. B. _To_ PILLENGER) Good-bye, sir. (PILLENGER
_rises, and they shake hands across the table, he then sits again_)
Keep your head up and your liver active.
PIL. Good-bye!
DOR. (_to_ MISS PILLENGER) Good-bye, ma'am. I mean to be quite
respectable by the time we meet again. (_they shake hands_)
MISS P. I hope so.
DOR. (_to_ THORSBY) Good-bye, young fellah! Give that little filly her
head, and she won't want the whip. (_crosses_ L. _of_ LUCY _and the
others_) Good-bye, little woman! (_kisses her_) God bless you! (_kisses
her--runs up steps_)
LUCY. Good-bye, dear old boy! (_leans over balustrade; he is going_)
You'll let us hear from you?
DOR. Yes! (_runs up steps_)
LUCY. Where will a letter find you?
DOR. (_hastily taking out card and looking at it. Turns to her_) Poste
Restante, Brussels! (_as he goes off the_
CURTAIN FALLS.
TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES
Silently corrected simple spelling, grammar, and typographical
errors.
Retained anachronistic and non-standard spellings as printed.
Enclosed italics font in _underscores_.
Enclosed distinctive font in ~tildes~.