NOT A CHANCE IN THE WORLD
Barbara Allison's presence upon the dusty hill-road that morning was
more than the result of a merely casual whim, even though, when she
turned her mount north into that mountain highway a scant two hours
before, the choice had been made without actual thought for the route
which she was selecting. And yet, conscious or instinctive, the choice
had brought her the things for which both brain and spirit were ahunger
that morning: A silence so profound that the vague, crackling wood
noises which disturbed it from time to time were not noises at all, but
only a part of its very being; a solitude so breathlessly big and
sweeping that she must needs throw out both slim arms finally in a
childishly eager effort to embrace a tithe of it--and a chance to be
alone!
The night before, as soon as she had re-entered hurriedly the glowing
lodge asprawl upon the hill, the impulse had first come to her--a swift
and almost blind desire to turn and escape, if only for a little while,
from the roomful of chatter and laughter and bright-eyed badinage
loosed upon her immediately after the unmasking, by Dexter Allison's
perfectly cadenced announcement of his daughter's engagement. All in a
breath the huge room had become stiflingly oppressive; the gaiety
unbearable. And at the end of the first half-hour following her
truancy she might have yielded to the impulse, pleading the first
flimsy excuse which would have purchased an opportunity to reconstruct
that hysterically mad minute or two with him whom she had just left a
little before in the hedge-gap, had not Miriam Burrell, at the very
moment of decision, stung her into realization of what meaning such an
act might convey to other less generous minds.
That tall and lithe-bodied and abrupt-tongued friend of hers, colorless
cheeks even paler against the black background, of her Mongolian
costume, still had eyes for the change which had come over the younger
girl, in spite of the terror which had been congealing her own heart
since the moment of unmasking. Her vivid lips were still able to
smile, stiffly, when she finally drew Barbara into a corner and under
cover of her lacquered fan mockingly pinched a little color into her
wan cheeks. But that strange girl failed to realize how much of scorn
for a thing she labeled her own cowardice, she put into her words that
night.
"Please remember, dear child," she whispered, "that you are on
exhibition as the ingenuously happy bride-to-be. If you are going to
play the game this way, like the rest of them, why not be a good sport
and play it for all there is in it? One owes it to one's partner, you
know, not to reveal entirely the weakness of the hand that's just been
dealt. You should smile--at least a little!"
Barbara, brain already hopelessly entangled, wheeled in astonishment at
the almost viciously satirical suggestion, refusing even while her face
flamed to believe that she had caught correctly the impossibly cynical,
unbelievably unkind insinuation of this girl who was her closest
friend. But Miriam's eyes silenced the demand for an explanation,
which had risen with an hitherto unknown coldness to her lips. Instead
Barbara reached out impetuously and took the girl's icy wrist in both
her own hands.
"Miriam, child, what is it?" she breathed. "What is the matter, dear?
You're ill--you're cold as death!"
And at that the lash of scornful intolerance for all things
hypocritical, the flick of which Barbara had never known before, was
gone from Miriam's tongue. She moistened her lips and tried to speak,
and had to try again before her voice would come.
"Have you--seen Garry?" she asked huskily. "Do you know where he went?"
The hopelessness of the query made possible but one interpretation of
all that lay behind it, and yet Barbara, who had not so much as guessed
at it until now, refused the thought as too fantastic for credence.
Again a wave of conscious color stained her face.
"Do you mean since--since----" Her lips refused to phrase it, but
Miriam finished it for her.
"Since he went swinging out into the dark on Ragtime." She, too,
strained at the sentence, but for an entirely different reason. "I was
looking for him, but I was too late. Bobs, all evening his eyes have
been mad--his mood insane! I heard just his last word or two to you
and--Mr. O'Mara, out there on the lawn. His father, you know--but you
don't think. . . . Barbara, I'm frightened--I'm so terribly
frightened!"
It ended in a little moan of fear. And now, astounded past all belief,
Barbara understood. But before she could speak the seeming need of
woman reassurance, no matter how illogical, was gone. Amazingly, all
in an instant, the living dread disappeared from Miriam's face; she
stiffened and threw back her head with that short laugh which contained
so little of mirth, so much that was hard to translate. And the
Honorable Archibald Wickersham, appearing the same instant at Barbara's
elbow, frowned at its note of derision.
"I've just been warning Barbara," the tall girl was already drawling
with consummate impudence, "that the record of past performances are
all against your finishing the distance without coming a cropper in
these international matrimonial hurdles. Just what is your opinion,
Archibald?"
Wickersham had never liked Miriam Burrell. Now he smiled a trifle
wryly into her insolently uptilted face, without attempting to answer
the question. And during the next dance with Barbara he unburdened
himself, rather positively for him, of his distaste for her. The
pronounced frown, however, remained even longer upon his countenance.
But that one moment had served where everything else might have failed.
For the rest of the evening Barbara was again a creature of moods so
frothy, so evanescent that she swept aside even Wickersham's habit of
precision. And if the spur that brightened her eyes and quickened her
laughter was, after all, nothing more nor less than a hot contempt for
herself--for the stolen moment in the hedge-gap and the inexplicable
impulse upon which she had all but acted following it--her merriment
was none the less a palpitant thing.
And yet afterward, alone in her room, when the last treble note had
died away and she had dismissed Cecile, her sleepy-eyed maid, the sense
of oppression had returned redoubled. She did not want to sleep; she
was glad of her wide-eyed wakefulness, but in the darkness walls and
ceiling and floor seemed fairly to close in upon her and hedge in soul
and brain as well as body. It was the first time the girl had ever
known the need--the driving desire--to be alone out of doors, where
there was nothing but sky and skyline to bound her thoughts. And at
last, when her restlessness became no longer bearable, while the
remainder of the house still slept behind drawn curtains, she rose and
slipped into boots and breeches and riding coat, and descended to order
a not too wide-awake groom to saddle a horse. And in the very middle
of his sensational report of Ragtime's empty stall she swung to the
saddle and turned toward the north.
She rode hard at first. She put the small roan mare between her knees
to a pounding gallop, pulling to a walk only after the rushing air had
whipped back into her cheeks a part at least of the glow which the
sleepless night had robbed from them. And if the tang of the trees and
the solitude and the warmth of the sun did their work slowly, they
nevertheless did it well. Little by little her tense body relaxed; the
line of her lips softened. Almost before she realized it that morning,
she had relegated her anxiety over Garry Devereau and her astonishment
at the confession which she had beheld in Miriam's eyes to a rather
hazy background, and turned to those very thoughts against which she
had fought so fiercely throughout the night. She drifted into a
surprisingly unanalytical and most femininely inquisitive wonder
concerning a tall figure in blue flannel and corduroy. She suddenly
found herself pondering the very incidents which, a few hours before,
had set her small fists to clenching in a tide of incomprehensible
resentment--against herself or him she could not for the life of her
tell.
Mile after mile, the roan mare placidly choosing the pace, she rode
with one leg dangling over the pummel of the saddle, everything else
forgotten in that preoccupied endeavor to review each moment she had
shared with him. Again she felt his arm harden threateningly under her
startled clasp as a red-headed and very drunk river-man lurched out of
a doorway ahead of them; with breath softly audible between arched lips
she tried to recall the gentleness of his hands when he was refastening
her cloak beneath her rigidly upflung chin. And when the higher
morning sun found her far beyond the rolling pasture land, miles in the
heavy timber, she had dismounted, there where the highest loop in the
road commanded its breath-taking sweep of country, and was sitting
cross-legged upon the trunk of a fallen tree at the road edge.
Frowning a little over the vexing uncertainty of details, Barbara was
wondering just what their next meeting would be like; she had just
finished picturing his man's discomfort and self-consciousness and lack
of ease and, with a soberness so childish it would have dumbfounded her
had she given it thought, was nodding approvingly over a contemplation
of her own kind cordiality, when that very blue-shirted figure itself
rounded a near corner in the narrow lane between the trees. Stephen
O'Mara, in the flesh, appeared before her, astride Ragtime and leading
her roan, which, contentedly cropping the bush tops, had disappeared a
full quarter of an hour before.
The girl gasped at the suddenness of his coming; she half started to
rise before she remembered the instability of her perch, and then
crouched even lower than before when she saw that he was not yet aware
of her nearness. It was not at all like the encounter which she had so
ably managed in her imagination an instant before, and somehow that
graciously kind greeting of hers was lost completely through the
perversity of an utterly different mood. She waited, eyes gleefully
bright, until he was almost opposite her before she coughed, ever so
faintly. Then she tilted her nose aloft in enchanting mimicry of his
lean and forward-thrust face.
"We never speak," she confided dolefully to the empty air in front of
her, "we never speak as we pass by." He whirled. So swiftly that it
took her breath he was out of the saddle and across the road, and
standing knee-deep in the undergrowth beside her. Only his profile had
been visible to her at first. Now the white line of his jaw and the
light in the eyes that searched her face chilled her, even while they
sent the blood singing in every vein. Only a few hours before she had
seen that same cold fear in Miriam Burrell's eyes; and yet not the
same, either, for hers had been a panic of lost hope, and the gleam in
the man's eyes was already only partly dread of disaster and partly a
great and unmistakable glow of thankfulness. Barbara remembered then,
with a twinge of guilt, that she could have forgotten it so completely,
the black-robed figure that had gone thundering off on the same mount
which Stephen O'Mara was riding now. She half lifted both hands to
him, apprehensively.
"You aren't going to tell me, are you," she asked, "that anything
dreadful has happened to Garry?"
Dumbly, but most reassuringly, Steve shook his head. From the top of
her hatless, wind-tossed, brown-crowned head to the tips of the
absurdly small boots tucked up beneath her, he scanned her slim body.
Barbara realized that he was trying to speak and finding the effort
hard. Slowly he removed his hat and passed one hand across his
forehead.
"Man," he ejaculated fervidly to himself, "but that's the longest
hundred yards you've ever traveled, on foot or a-horseback!" And
abruptly, accusingly, to her: "Do you know that I've been months and
years and ages rounding that bend to--to find you a little crumpled-up
heap in the road?"
After all, her unaccountably high spirits may have been only the
natural reaction from the hours of depression through which she had
lately passed. But whatever the reason behind it, Barbara's levity was
a totally spontaneous, deliciously colored thing. She sat and tilted
her head at him in audacious provocation; she assumed as chastened an
expression as she could in the face of her very real relief at the news
of Garry's safety.
"I'm sorry," she murmured humbly. "I'm sorry to--disappoint you. But,
you see, I didn't know----"
She laughed at him. Her lips curled, petal-like, in a gurgling peal of
enjoyment at his shame-faced grin.
"I found your horse rolling," he explained, and his gravity was dogged
in the face of her brightness. "How I knew it was yours I don't know,
but I did just the same. I thought she had thrown you; I'd already
made up my mind, if there was one scratch on your body, to take that
mare's head between my hands and break her neck! You see, I believed I
knew already just what it would mean to me if anything ever happened to
you. But it's a lot different imagining the world without
you--and--and facing the actual possibility of it. Was I--fairly
tragic?"
And now it was his turn to laugh over her pink-faced disconcernment.
Most decidedly it was not the sort of an encounter which she had been
contemplating a moment earlier. There was no discomfort in that big,
loose-limbed body. She had imagined him as just a little moody and
sad-eyed, at least. And now she realized that she had never seen the
latter so easy to read as they were at that minute. Gray as the
shadowed silver thread of the river far below in the valley, they
glowed with a great gladness for her safety, and far, far more than
just that. The alarming cheerfulness of his gaze was too confusing to
sustain.
"Of course you've found Garry," she hastened to swing the conversation
to a less personal quarter. "Is he--will you tell me about it, please?"
One small, gauntleted hand made an almost imperceptible gesture toward
the unoccupied space beside her on the fallen tree. But he chose the
ground at her feet. And after he had disposed his long length to his
liking he answered her hurried question--answered it with an amiably
lazy deliberation that promised a sure return to a topic of his own
choosing, in his own good time.
"No," he stated, and there was something lugubrious in the baldness of
the statement. "He found me. And it was the biggest stroke of luck
that he did. I grow more and more lucky this morning, wouldn't you say
so?"
The question was quite innocently direct. No, decidedly he was not
discomfited--not ill at ease at all! Apparently he found it much
easier to look at her than at any of the points of interest in the
landscape toward which her glances persisted in flitting. While he
marveled, without any manifestations of sorrow whatever, at the curve
of her throat and the satin texture of that cheek turned toward him, he
told her drawlingly all there was to tell of the night before. And
after a time Barbara forgot her warm face and the too plain message
there in his eyes, in her growing excitement over that recitation.
When he stopped her first question instinctively pounced upon the one
detail he had purposely withheld.
"But you must have an inkling as to the man's identity," she cried.
"Why, you've got to find that out, before he does more harm next time.
Haven't you a suspicion, even?"
One foot swung free; she leaned forward in her eagerness, a slender and
entirely boyish figure in diminutive breeches and boots and
straight-lined coat. And the man laughed aloud up into her flushed
face, softly and not quite steadily at her hostile indignation, her
intuitive feminine curiosity, and most of all, most unsteadily, at his
wonder of her, herself.
"Why, yes," he admitted. "Both Joe and I do believe we know who it
was, but we aren't sure because we don't understand yet what that man's
motive might be. I'd tell you, only I don't like to accuse anybody
until there is cause for it. But that's what brought me down here this
morning--that and because I wanted to tell Miss Burrell that Garry is
safe, and will continue to be from now on, I hope. Those were two of
my reasons for coming, at least. I had a more important one than
either, but----"
Barbara did not wait for him to tell her what it was. She was staring
at him in unfeigned surprise.
"To tell Miriam?" she echoed. "Do you--you can't mean that you knew
she cared for Garry?"
"Didn't you?"
The girl shook her head.
"Never, until just a little while ago! I--do you know, in the last few
days I've begun to realize how much more you--other people--observe
than I do. I've begun to wonder if I haven't been very blindly
self-sufficient. For I never dreamed of such a thing, until something
happened after I left you last night." Her voice faltered, but her
eyes clung resolutely to his. "She came to me and asked me if I knew
where he had gone. She had seen him ride away, too, Mr. O'Mara. And I
learned it then, just from the terror in her face. But I didn't know
until later how much she cared.
"She came into my room this morning, and that, although you can't know
it, was more than odd in itself, because I have always been the one to
carry my woes to her. It must have been between four and five, for I
had counted a clock striking four; and yet she was still dressed in her
party costume. Have you guessed what she had been doing? Mr. O'Mara,
she had been out looking for him! She had slipped out and been waiting
because she was sure Ragtime would bolt and--and come back home,
dragging him by a stirrup! Wasn't that a horrible thing to wait for,
alone in the dark?"
With a little shudder the girl put her hands over her eyes, as if to
shut out the picture.
"She wasn't hysterical, either. She was--just--ice! And wringing wet
and blue with cold. Cool, proud, intolerant Miriam Burrell--and I'd
never dreamed of her caring for anybody, until that minute. I sent her
to bed and I think I hated Garry Devereau for an hour or two. Why, Mr.
O'Mara, I'd never believed that a girl could care that much for any
man!"
He stopped toying with a handful of dry twigs and let them slip away
between his fingers. She saw his head come up; saw his eyes narrow.
Then her own body stiffened as she realized what she had said. And yet
it was, after all, only a part of something she had decided she must
make clear to him, ever since he had surprised her there at the road
edge; it was part of an explanation which, without quite knowing why,
she felt was due to him. But she had not meant to employ that abrupt
confession as a preface. That made it inconceivably harder, it seemed.
And he, silent at her feet, stared out at the blue rim of the hills and
gave her no assistance now--not so much as a smile. She sat a long
time, nursing one slim knee between her palms.
"Mr. O'Mara," she appealed to him at last, "how might one reopen a--a
rather difficult subject with--with a suddenly most difficult
conversationalist?"
Without turning his head he made answer:
"I think Fat Joe's method is as good as any," he suggested. "Joe says
the only way to reopen any argument is to take a running jump and land
all spraddled out, right in the middle of it. He insists that such
procedure leaves no doubt in the mind of anyone that the discussion is
about to be resumed."
She laughed a little.
"Then shall we consider that I've taken--the--the jump, and landed?"
Just when she was wishing most that she could see his face he swung
around toward her. Again his gravity was a totally gentle thing. It
made her remember the self-possessed kindliness with which he had met
her unreasoning rage the night before.
"You don't have to explain," he told her, "unless you are sure you want
to. Sometimes, you see, I understand things without any special
explanation. It's a trick one learns from living alone a lot with
one's own thoughts. I told you, last night, that I wouldn't have you
saying 'I'm sorry' to me. And now I'll tell you that nothing you can
ever say, now, is going to stop me from----"
"I want to, please," she interrupted him vehemently. "I--have to! And
I'm not going to make believe that I don't know what you are going to
tell me--what you have been saying to me, all morning. But it can't do
any good. Why, I'm just realizing that something which has been
hurting me for hours was just--just sorrow for you. It can't do any
good, oh, truly! But will you let me talk first, if I promise to
listen afterward?"
He promised.
"Twice I've been bitterly unkind to you," she began again. "Once a
long time ago--and--and once last night. And on both occasions you had
just tried to tell me, indirectly at least, that you cared, hadn't you?"
"Indirectly?" he murmured. "Was I as obscure as that?" And then,
whimsically: "Won't you call that explanation enough, and let me tell
it to you again--so you can't misunderstand?"
"I've asked you to forgive me the first offense," she hurriedly denied
his appeal. "And the second--Mr. O'Mara, last night Miriam said
something to me, something that she wouldn't have said if she hadn't
been half mad with fear. It was unkind, unfair, but it made me wonder
if, perhaps, you might not be thinking the same thing, too. Years ago
you told me I didn't think you good enough to--to be my knight. My
outburst was only childish temper that day, but did you think last
night that I still underrated you?"
Steve finally shook his head when she persisted in waiting for his
answer.
"You just have to finish now," he warned her, however. "It was your
own bargain. I'm not going to tell you one single bit of what I think
of you until it comes my turn!"
She tried to laugh at his stubbornness, but she had trouble with this
explanation, which grew more vexingly intricate and involved the
further she went.
"Then we'll say you didn't," she continued. "I told you last night,
less kindly than I might have, that I was engaged to Mr. Wickersham.
And I've just confessed, too, that I didn't know a girl could care for
any man as unutterably, as blindly and pridelessly, as Miriam cares for
the man Garry is. That is the truth. For quite a long, long time it
has been understood that I was to marry Mr. Wickersham. I have always
admired him--found him above petty things. But, Mr. O'Mara, I have
always been sure, for just as long a time, that the ability to care for
anyone the--the way I think you believed last night I might care for
you, was left out of me. And so it wasn't you who awoke my contempt,
even though I did turn it against you. It was I, myself. It was I,
and not you, who was not 'good enough'! For even if I am the kind of a
girl who can't love anybody, very much, except, perhaps, herself, I
should at least play fair. Isn't--isn't that so?"
Minute after minute passed while she sat plaiting the cloth
tight-stretched over one knee. Lips softly aquiver, she waited,
earnest, eager that he understand from her explanation that which she
did not yet understand at all herself. Again she wished that he would
turn; she wanted greatly to see whatever there might be behind his
heavy silence.
"Isn't it?" she faltered timidly.
And yet, when his head did come around she found she couldn't face him.
"Is it my turn now?" he asked.
Her answer was barely audible.
"If--if you have to--have it. But I've told you how useless it is."
"Would you mind looking at me, just a minute?" said Steve.
The brown head drooped even lower over the restless fingers. It shook,
ever so faintly.
"I'd rather not. . . . I'm listening!"
His laugh lilted recklessly in sheer joy at her refusal.
"Then I'll have to tell you," he stated, "that I'm smiling in spite of
the hopelessness. I'm smiling, even though my throat is aching and my
lips pretty dry.
"You've just finished trying to argue my man's case from your woman's
point of view--one of the hardest, least satisfactory things that could
be attempted, no doubt. And if it were possible, I know I'd be loving
you right now even more than I did before, just because you've been so
entirely unsuccessful at it. Maybe I could straighten out a point or
two that must have been not quite clear to you; maybe--but I don't want
to argue back at you now.
"You say my telling you all I must tell you can't help my case a little
bit. All right--we'll let it stand like that, for the moment. And you
say you are going to marry Mr. Wickersham. All right again--but better
prophets than either of us have made mistakes before now! If he hadn't
forced on me one condition which I would have liked to be different,
I'd rather have had to mention no other man at all. This isn't the way
I'd have chosen to tell you how much I care. I'd rather have told you,
a little at a time, but there isn't time for that now. So maybe it'll
sound crude to you. I've not rehearsed it with any other woman, you
see. And if it does sound that way it won't help me much, either, will
it? But you're going to believe what I say!
"You started back a dozen years or so, in order to make your
explanation clear. I'm starting there myself, so I'll be sure you
understand. You've been grieving because you hurt me--hurt me twice.
Will you stop now, if I tell you that I wouldn't exchange those
two--shall we call them wounds--for all the kindnesses of all the other
women in the world? I did believe that you didn't think me good
enough, that first time. That was why I was cut deeper than you'll
ever know, because I knew it was only the truth. I admitted
it--remember? I admitted it when I said I was coming back. Well, I'm
back now--and I'm still not good enough, and not because I haven't
tried to be, either. I'm just not admitting any man alive could be
that. But I'm telling you, too, in the same breath, that the man who
takes you will have to prove he's a whole lot better--before I stand
aside!"
For the first time since he had begun the girl moved. Her head leaped
back; she half lifted one hand in protest, but the very gladness in his
face silenced her.
"My turn," he reminded her quizzically. "You made the bargain, you
know. You've just finished a rather involved bit of reasoning
concerning the way other women love, a lot of which I'll have to
confess I didn't attend as closely as I should have. Perhaps that's
because no man's method of caring has ever interested me a great deal,
except my own.
"I loved you when you were a little bit of a girl--because I loved you!
And I love you that way now. Your face was the first woman face I ever
looked on--and--really--saw. And since that first morning it's been
with me--been with me a lot of times when I didn't have anything else
to look up to. I've been less hungry, for thought of you; less
thirsty, when the road got pretty long at times. I--I worshiped you,
do you hear? Why, I've prayed to you, dumbly, wordlessly, out of black
bitterness, when it seemed that any other divinity must be too busy to
give any heed to--to the ragged little tad I was. Now do you think I
haven't known what it was, long before this, to go on when there wasn't
any hope?"
He waited. Her breath came in a long and quivering gasp. And yet he
did not realize that she was crying.
"I--I don't think that I want to--listen any more," she faltered.
His face went white at that--and then he was smiling again.
"I told you I'd have chosen to tell you differently," the drawling
gentleness was unaltered, "but I'll have to finish this way now. There
may not be many chances for me to speak, for I've come back to you
almost too late. And I don't want to hurt you; why, I'm going to keep
the laughter in your eyes and heart as long as you live. For I thought
it would be a woman I'd find when I came back, and I've found you still
all girl--all save in those moments when you've seemed half boy to me.
And that is strange, too, isn't it--strange that I never knew how much
I wanted you to be like that, until you taught me the wonder of it
yourself? My--eyes are stinging. I don't talk quite plainly. My
throat is too tight for easy speech. For it's just the old wonder of
you, after all--just the same--reverence, isn't it? I'll never let you
grow up now. You'll have to stay girl--Boy--all the rest of your life!
I've learned to be fairly sure of myself, but I'm not asking to be sure
of you yet. I'd never want to be too sure of you unless all the rest
of my whole world had come tumbling down. And then--then I'd need to
know always that I could stake my soul on your keeping faith. I'd want
to know that I could reach out and find your hand searching for mine in
the dark. Your face was the first, girl--it's been the only one.
It'll be the last thing I'll see, the last moment there is sight in my
eyes!"
His slow, infinitely gentle voice stopped. He sat head up, before her.
And then her choking sob answered him through that blind silence. He
was on his feet then; he started forward, and remembered again. And as
if that slim-limbed, huddled little figure had been a boy indeed, he
dropped one arm reassuringly over her bowed shoulders.
"Pity, Barbara?" he asked quietly. "Are you crying from pity? Because
if it's that--it--it beats me!"
She shook her head vehemently.
"I'm not crying because of anything," she sniffed. "I'm just
crying--that' all!"
One hand went searching through pocket after pocket; one elbow came up
to shield her eyes. She slid from the tree-trunk and swayed
unsteadily, and groped out and found his arm. And it was the boy he
had just tried to comfort who curled both hands tightly around his
flannel sleeve and hid a wet face against his shoulder.
"I--I'm sorry. I'm so terribly, terribly sorry. I shouldn't have let
you start to tell me--I knew it all along. But I'm not pitying--big
Stephen O'Mara; it--it was just little Steve who made me cry, I think."
Again that long, sobbing breath. "Will you--will you--I can't find my
handkerchief," she gasped.
Long after they had remounted and turned their horses toward the south
Barbara rode with head bowed, slim shoulders turned toward the man
beside her, a shield for her averted face. From time to time she
dabbled furtively at her eyes with the big, crisp square of linen with
which Steve had answered the wailed announcement of the loss of her own
handkerchief. Once or twice she caught her breath, unsteadily. And
yet in spite of the fact that the actual desire was furthest of all
things from her heart at that instant, when she did finally grow
curious at his long silence and turn to steal a sidelong glance at him,
the utter gloom upon Steve's face awoke within her an irresistible
impulse to mirth.
It was partly hysterical, partly the sudden realization that he was not
the only one who had, that morning, found much in his companion which
was insistently boyish. For until then she had not glimpsed this side
of that grown-up spirit which, in the boy, had evinced more than once a
confidence in self so serenely unshakable that it had bordered on
doggedness at times.
In those days it had always irritated her, and set her small fists to
clenching in a childish antagonism. More than once she had answered it
with superior little, child-woman smiles which had sent him marching,
white of face and lip, back through the hedge gap, never realizing
herself that her own pique sprang from the belief that his promises of
conquest dealt only with material things--splendidly visioned, most
vaguely detailed conquests which set his eyes afire but seemed to hold
no place for the feminine of her. She had never understood that he,
with quite masculine bindness [Transcriber's note: blindness?], had
taken for granted her comprehension that each and every conquest was to
be solely a glorification of her, any more than she understood now why
his black discouragement awakened in her a sudden warmth as different
from her old perversity as the pulse in her throat was painful. And
yet she couldn't stifle that impulse. She giggled aloud. And when he
turned--when he wheeled and encountered her shining eyes, still wet and
brimming above the screen of his own handkerchief, she sensed
immediately that he was flushing as little, too-sensitive Steve had
flushed years before, when she had laughed at him less kindly.
The girl was not conscious of it; she had no actual realization yet of
how very deeply her unwilling readjustment of fundamental values had,
in the last twenty-four hours, undermined her hitherto unquestioning
acceptance of those inbred standards which, to all her world save
Miriam Burrell, were creed and code of conduct. That morning she only
knew she was unaccountably glad because there was no malice in her
mirth; had she given it thought she would have insisted that, in her
heart, there no longer lurked a ghost, ignoble or otherwise, of what
had once been a childishly snobbish belief in her inherent superiority.
And as suddenly as she had giggled she now laughed aloud at the
expression she had surprised there on his face. Again, for an instant,
the very spontaneity of her swift changing mood gave the situation into
her hands.
"Please," she begged him mockingly, "please, I did have to laugh, a
little. I had to! It just occurred to me, all in a breath, that
perhaps there is another of us who--who hasn't entirely grown up. You
looked so morbidly disheartened. And I know it won't sound logical,
but all this time during which I supposed you were smiling upon my--my
absurd tears with that benign surety of yours, it hurt--hurt like
everything--just knowing that it was all so hopeless for you. But now
that I have seen that you do understand, do we have to be so gloomy any
longer? Are we going to be so tragic, every time we meet? They tell
me it is an admission of unformed, unbalanced youth, Mr. O'Mara. And,
whether that is so or not, I do know that it is a great strain upon my
complexion."
Momentarily her effrontery had given the situation into her hands--but
only momentarily. For even while she was speaking the corners of
Steve's eyelids began to crinkle; before she had finished mocking at
him in a voice that still caught unsteadily in her throat, it was her
up-turned face which had grown pink under his gravely amused scrutiny.
"Was it as bad as that?" he asked. "I don't know that I mind the
'benign' part so very much, but as for my 'surety'--well, now I must
set you right. I have seen men holding four aces sit with faces so sad
and hopeless that they might have earned their fortunes as professional
mourners, could their expressions have been rendered permanent. I've
seen men with straight flushes bow their heads in sorrow over the cards
they held. And I think the one beatific visage it has been my good
luck to behold belonged to Fat Joe, one night when the rest of the
table had raised his very feet out from under him. He sat and beamed;
he radiated good cheer--now and then he chuckled with positively
insulting self-confidence, while he was pushing forward all the chips
he owned . . . and he had two deuces and four spades to back it up!
"You'll find that most men play that way--most men, I mean, who play
for big stakes and play to win. And so--but I've told you already that
I'm going to put all my cards on the table, with you. You're going to
know, always, the hand I hold. Why, I told you I wasn't sure, even a
little bit. I've been smiling just to make it easy for you to
understand that I know how to lose, if it has to come to that. And do
you suppose I'd have let you weep into my handkerchief, if I'd been
half way certain, even? Do you? Because I wouldn't. I have a pair of
arms and two shoulders that have been reserved for that
purpose--reserved, oh, for years and years."
Barbara had lifted the handkerchief again. The explanation which Steve
had begun in half-assumed soberness ended in drawling, unmistakable
gravity.
"Perhaps it wasn't a particularly good parallel to use," he went on,
even more slowly, when she failed to answer. "I only wanted to make
you see--to have you know----"
Her brown head flashed up then, radiantly eloquent of entire
understanding.
"It was a very good parallel," she defended spiritedly. "I liked it
immensely. I was thinking that some day when I get involved with
Miriam in a particularly erudite discussion, I'd employ it myself. But
just now the one point which interests me most is this. Did--did Fat
Joe win?"
His single quick word that checked Ragtime brought her roan mount also
to a standstill. Lightly Steve swung out and took both her gloved
hands in a grip that made her draw back a little.
"If you weren't the _girl_ to whom I'd just told my love," he stated,
"I'd be telling you, right now, that I like you best of all the _men_ I
know!" He sat and looked at her. "And since I don't remember clearly
whether I've said it already this morning, I'll chance repeating it.
You're the one prettiest thing in all this world--and it's not an
unhandsome world this morning, either."
For a moment longer her mood lasted while she surveyed him with
dark-eyed audacity, head poised on one side in that attitude of wholly
happy intimacy with which he had seen her many times greet Caleb Hunter.
"For a man who claims to be strictly an amateur," she murmured, "I can
only reply--you do extremely well, sir!"
And then, as if her words had rung too cheaply flippant in her own
ears, she took both hands impetuously from his. She started her horse
abruptly. And it was yards before he overtook her, rods before she
dropped back to a walk. Her face had become wistful in its earnestness.
"That was pretty, and sincere, and--and like you," she mused. "I
wonder why my answer sounded not quite so innately fine? Do you
suppose it was because I've already become accustomed to meeting
flippancy with flippancy? For if that isn't the reason then how would
you explain my--my persistent tendency toward frivolity with you?
Because it exists, you know. Truly it does! If I yielded to the
impulse that is always with me, I--I'd coquette with you,
disgracefully. Doesn't that--even surprise you? Now you _are_
laughing at me . . . why, you weren't listening at all!"
His shamefacedness was an admission of guilt, but he shook his head in
contradiction.
"Not at you," he corrected her. "I wasn't laughing very heartily, or
very steadily, was I? And I'm trying to listen; I am trying to pay
attention to everything you say. It just isn't an easy thing to do,
that's all, when--when I'm looking at you, too. But I promised you
that you were always going to be sure of me. Couldn't that be reason
enough; can't we just say you'd sensed it, yourself, even without my
telling you so?"
She bobbed her head, most anxious for his gravity now that she was not
sure whether it was real or not.
"I knew that must be it," she argued seriously. "I thought it must be,
anyway. I just feel safe with you. And yet I don't want you ever to
believe, either, that I am deliberately playing. It's just--oh, in my
heart I know that you haven't any more than those two deuces, and--and
the deal is mine. Do you understand what I'm trying to say? They
always say it in--in books, Mr. O'Mara. They always agree to be the
'best of friends,' and it reads so funny and flat. But that is exactly
what I am trying to put into words. It couldn't be anything more,
ever, and yet I want this friendship which is different from everything
I've ever known before. I like you very, very much. Listen, and I'll
make a confession, too! I used to watch and hope you'd come back,
after I'd sent you home, heart-sick, years ago. Do you suppose we
might say the--the 'best of friends' in real life, too, and not sound
instantly absurd?"
"We might try it out," he suggested.
Then she was positive that his face was too stiffly sober, but she
ignored it--ignored, too, the tinge of whimsicality in his voice.
"If I weren't so sorry for you I might not be so sure; but I am sorry.
If you weren't so dismayingly cheerful about it, I wouldn't feel so
badly. But I've begun to understand how very long you have been
playing your cards and smiling over them, no matter what might be dealt
you. And that is some improvement over the girl I've been, isn't it?
For I've never had to struggle very hard for anything I've wanted. I
want to be friends, but I'm not silly enough to think you won't tell me
again that you--care. I want to be friends, but not at the price of
your heart-ache and disappointment, and--why, I wonder, do I get all
tangled up when I try to explain myself to you? It's just this: I'm
not going to be unkind to little Steve any more, Mr. O'Mara, or--or big
Steve, either. But I--I want to see you sometimes, too, and--and I
just won't let myself cry any more this morning!"
Her voice had grown very small toward the end. It trailed off into a
stifled but unmistakable sniff. And a moment later, when she ceased
fumbling with the reins and glanced with resolute brightness up at him,
the film of hot tears in his eyes brought her hands to her throat. But
even then in the face of that light which she had never before glimpsed
in any man's eyes for her, she was conscious of his use of her
name--vaguely conscious of how different it sounded on his lips.
"Barbara," Steve faltered, "Barbara, you blessed child, you!" And
there, dumbly, he shook his head over his stumbling utterance and tried
to laugh to cover it. "Sorry? Sorry for me? Why, God bless you,
girl, you refuse me whenever you want to--whenever you have to! I'm
not asking you to help. And don't you suppose after last night I know
how near to losing out I am? I understand. Why, you're going to get
quite a few refusals ahead of me, no doubt, before--before I catch up
with you! But don't you waste one bit of worry on me.
"It would be your telling me that you did care, and then telling me
that you didn't, that would about break me. I have to keep on asking
you; I have to keep on trying, but you can tell me 'no chance'
whenever, in your heart, you believe it to be the truth, and I'll take
it smiling. Just don't let it become mechanical, that's all I ask,
will you? And--and if some day after I've gone, you suddenly begin to
wish, even the tiniest bit, that you hadn't made the last refusal
quite--quite so final, you needn't let that worry you, either. Because
I'll be back! You can know that I'll come back, next day--next
month--next year--thirty miles or three hundred--oh, just to see if my
chances haven't improved any! That does make you smile, doesn't it? I
reckon experienced match-makers would tell me that that isn't the way
for me to talk if I'm going to win out. But it's the way I like best.
I want you to know that there is one person you can be sure of, all the
days of your life. I began a dozen years ago--I've only started loving
the whiteness of you."
She rode with wide eyes fastened upon his now wholly smiling face; rode
with lips parted, all else submerged in that wonder which quickened her
breath. Once she leaned toward him as if to speak, and then shook her
head at the inadequacy of the words. They topped the last rise in the
dusty, winding road and raised the river basin and the town itself in
that long period of silence. There, once more, she checked the roan
mare.
"If women could care like that," she told him quietly. "If I believed
that I could ever----" She shook her head with a sad little smile.
"Since you have come home you've made me feel very insignificant and
petty at times. You've made me wish I might have been as--as wonderful
as you say I am to you. But I know, you see." She lifted one slim arm
toward the newer Morrison stretched out along the river front. "Do you
remember the first day you saw the village it used to be, that day when
you first came down river?"
Steve knew what she was going to say. She read amused anticipation in
his eyes and grew self-conscious at it.
"I thought yours was a perfectly good parallel," she asserted stoutly.
"And you'll have to admit that you did believe it was wonderful then.
Uncle Cal has told me how breathlessly you called it the 'city.' But
is it as wonderful, now? Hasn't familiarity with real bigness dimmed
its wonder a little?"
For the first time that day his attitude was frankly challenging.
"Maybe," he agreed, "maybe! And maybe I like it better than ever, for
the others I've seen!" He frowned and shook his head. "I'm quite
likely to stick to first conclusions," he finished, "and your inference
is basically wrong. I do not need to look at other women to make me
surer of the wonder of you. A man doesn't have to live in a desert all
his life to know what thirst is, you know. And it's not bad--not bad
as cities go!"
As they had begun the morning they now finished it, on a plane of
thorough comradeship which years and years alone cannot achieve.
"Not bad," she echoed throatily. "Not bad, at all! It's marvelous
too, how towns and people and--and things in general can improve, once
they awake to their own importance in the scheme of things, isn't it?"
Quite on a mutual impulse they clasped hands and laughed into each
other's eyes; quite unnecessarily it may have appeared to the small
group on the veranda of the stucco and timber place halfway down the
slope between them and town. And there on the crest of the hill,
suddenly conscious of those eyes, the girl drew back as swiftly as she
had swung toward him.
"What in the world will they think!" she breathed. "I've been gone
since daybreak, without saying a word that I was going. And it must be
noon by now. Come--no, don't hurry! It's too late to hurry now!"
Her chin came up; the line of her lips lost its soft fullness. It was
his hot face which made her aware of how surely her imperiously quick
orders had stung him. Then she was back, knee to knee, at his side.
"That wasn't fair," she said. "That was most unfair, to me. You
didn't think, did you, that I----"
His interruption surprised her.
"If I shouldn't inquire," he asked, "will you please tell me so, and
forget I asked the question? May I know when you--you and Mr.
Wickersham are to be----"
Barbara's face went slowly crimson, flushed to the nape of her neck.
"It's not a certainty yet, the date," she answered kindly. "Just late
in the spring, I think."
He nodded. Again she knew how wholly unreadable his eyes could be.
"Late in the spring," he repeated, so softly that he might have been
talking to himself. "Late in the spring I'll have two time limits run
out on me."
Wickersham himself was coming across the lawn to meet them when they
drew rein at the head of the driveway. With a deliberation so
proprietary that it set Barbara suddenly to gnawing her lip, he unbent
his long legs and straightened from his place on the top step of the
veranda; and even though the wicker chairs behind him were filled he
stood forth quite alone, extremely tall and straight, perfectly poised
and entirely immaculate. And without one outward sign of animosity to
give it ground, that other man sitting loose-thighed upon Ragtime's
back knew that he was wondering where she had been--why she had chosen
to go alone. Without exhibiting a trace of it upon his long face,
Wickersham still radiated a swift and chilling jealousy which, now that
he saw it again, Stephen O'Mara knew had never been entirely absent
from the face of the Archibald Wickersham he had known many years
before. Just as Miriam Burrell, with a studied deliberation that
matched that of the tall figure ahead of her, in turn detached herself
from the throng and came down the steps, Barbara's eyes raised to
Steve's. She did not stop to reason it; she couldn't have made it
sound reasonable had she tried, but she did not want those two to meet
again just then--those two whose boyhood quarrel had centered about
herself.
"Won't you keep Ragtime until you come back to Uncle Cal's to-night?"
she asked. "I've kept you loitering for hours and hours on the way.
But it will save you a little time."
And this time Steve understood. He nodded in reply.
"Not a chance?" he asked her quietly. "Not a chance?"
She was wheeling the roan.
"Not a chance," she whispered. "Not a chance in the world! But
we--Mr. Elliott promised to show us the works this afternoon," she
added in the next breath. "Can you--do you suppose you can come?"
And then, as she turned the mare and went skimming up the drive toward
the stable, she wondered why he laughed.
In his turn Steve set Ragtime's head toward the town in the valley.
And therefore he did not see that Archibald Wickersham was left
standing alone a moment in the middle of the lawn. But Miriam Burrell
saw and understood the black rage that shadowed his face. Long before
then she had penetrated to the layer of vanity beneath his air of
boredom. More than once she had used that knowledge maliciously, to
stir him. And she knew how unending could be his hatred for anyone who
had ever made him appear ridiculous.