"Rose, you are not looking well, this morning. Confess, now, that you
did not sleep a wink last night. I heard the pattering of your little
feet over my head long after midnight."
"Very likely, for I was unaccountably restless. I will tell you what
troubled me. I was trying to think of some way to support myself; I wish
I had a tithe of your energy, Gertrude."
"Well you have not, you are just made to be loved and petted. You are
too delicate a bit of porcelain to be knocked and hustled round amid the
delf of the world. Your gift is decidedly wife-wise, and the sooner you
let my good brother John make you one, the better for all of us."
"What do you think of my turning authoress?" asked Rose, adroitly
turning the subject.
"Oh, do it, by all means," mocked Gertrude, "it is the easiest thing in
the world to write a book. It would be just the thing for a little
sensitive-plant like you. I think I see it fairly launched. I think I
see you sit down with the morning paper in your hand to read a
criticism on it, from some coarse pen, dressed in a little brief
authority, in the absence of some editor; a fellow who knows no
difference between a sun-flower and a violet, and whose daily
aspirations are bounded by an oyster supper, or a mint-julep. I think I
see you thumped on the head with his butchering cleaver, every nerve
quivering under the crucifixion of his coarse scalpel."
"But surely there are those who know a good book when they see it, and I
mean to write a good book."
"You little simpleton, as if that would save you! Do you suppose you
will be forgiven for writing a _good_ book? No, my dear; the editor of
'The Daily Lorgnette,' takes it up, he devours a chapter or two, he
begins to fidget in his chair, he sees there is genius in it, he gets up
and strides across his office, he recollects certain books of his own,
which nobody ever read but his publishers and himself, and every word he
reads irritates that old sore. The next day, under the head of book
notices you will see the following in the Daily Lorgnette:--
"'Gore House, by Rose Ringdove.'
"'We have perused this book; it is unnecessary to state in its
title-page that it was written by a _female_ hand. The plot is feeble
and inartistic. In dialogue, the writer utterly fails; the heroine,
Effie Waters, is a stiff, artificial creation, reminding us constantly
of those females painted on the pannels of omnibuses, convulsively
grasping to their bosoms a posy, or a poodle. There is an indescribable
and heterogeneous jumbling of characters in this volume. The authoress
vainly endeavors to straighten out this snarl in the last chapter, which
has nothing to recommend it but that it _is_ the last. We advise the
authoress of 'Gore House' to choose some other escape-valve for her
restless femininity; petticoat literature has become a drug in the
market.'
"How do you like that?" said Gertrude, laughing.
"Well, the editor of the 'Christian Warrior' sits down to read 'Gore
House,' he takes out his spectacles, and wipes them deliberately on his
red-silk pocket-handkerchief, he adjusts them on the bridge of his
sagacious nose; he reads on undisturbed until he comes to the
description of 'Deacon Pendergrast,' who is very graphically sketched as
a 'wolf in sheep's clothing.' Conscience holds up the mirror, and he
beholds _himself_, like unto a man who sees his natural face in a glass.
Straightway he sitteth down, and writeth the following impartial
critique of the book:
"'We have read "Gore House." We do not hesitate to pronounce it a _bad_
book, unfit to lie on the table of any _religious_ family. In it,
_religion_ is held up to ridicule. It can not fail to have a most
pernicious influence on the minds of the young. We hope Christian
editors all over the land will not hesitate, out of courtesy to the
authoress, to warn the reading public of this locomotive poison.'
"The editor of the 'Christian Warrior' then hands the notice to his
foreman for an early insertion, puts on his hat, and goes to the
anniversary of the Society for the Propagation of the Gospel, of which
he is president.
"The editor of the 'John Bull' reads 'Gore House.' He is an Englishman,
and pledged to his British blood, while he makes his living out of
America, to abuse, underrate, and vilify, her government, institutions,
and literature, therefore he says, curtly:
"'We have received "Gore House"--they of course who wish for
_literature_, especially female literature, will look the other side of
the Atlantic." He then takes one of the most glowing passages in 'Gore
House,' and transposing the words slightly, passes it off for editorial
in his own columns.
"The editor of 'The Timbrel' reads Gore House. He has a female relative,
Miss Clementina Clemates, whose mission she thinks is to be an
authoress. In furtherance of this design of hers, he thinks it policy to
decry all other rival books. So he says:
"'We have read "Gore House." We ought to say we have _tried_ to read it.
The fact is, the only lady book recently published that we can heartily
recommend to our readers is "Sketches of the Fireside, by Clementine
Clemates."'
"The editor of the 'Dinsmore Republican' reads the book. He is of the
Don Quixote order, goes off like an old pistol half primed, whenever the
right chord is struck. Gore House takes him captive at once. He wishes
there were a tournament, or some such arrangement, by which he could
manifest his devotion to and admiration of the authoress. He throws down
the book, unties his neckcloth, which seems to be strangling him,
loosens his waistband button to give his breathing apparatus more play,
throws up the window, runs his fingers through his hair, till each one
seems as charged with electricity as a lightning-rod, and then seizing
his goose-quill, piles on the commendatory adjectives till your modesty
exclaims, in smothering agony, 'Save me from my friends, and I will take
care of my enemies.'"
"But tell me," said Rose, "is there no bright side to this subject you
can depict me?"
"Oh, yes," said Gertrude, "there are editors who can read a book and
deal fairly and conscientiously by it and its author, who neither
underrate nor overrate from fear or favor, who find fault, not as an
escape-valve for their own petulance or indigestion, but gently, kindly,
as a wise parent would rebuke his child--editors on whose faith you can
rely, whose book reviews are, and can be, depended upon, who feel
themselves accountable to other than a _human_ tribunal for their
discharge of so important a public trust."
"Well," said Rose, in despair, "if I might be Sappho herself I could
not run such a gauntlet of criticism as you have described."
"Far happier to be Cornelia with her jewels," said Gertrude, snatching
up the beautiful Charley (I take it Cornelia had a glorious husband).
"Fame is a great unrest to a true woman's heart. The fret, and tumult,
and din of battle are not for her. The vulgar sneer for which there is
no preventive, save the unrecognized one of _honor_; the impertinent
tone of familiarity, supposed to be acceptable by those to whom a
woman's heart is yet a sealed book; what are tears to oppose to such
bludgeon weapons? No, the fret and din of battle are not for her; but
if, at the call of trumpet-tongued necessity, she buckle on the armor,
let her fight with what good courage her God may give her, valuing far
above the laurel crown, when won, the loving hearts for which she
toils--which beat glad welcome home."