GERTRUDE'S STORY.
"When I was about fifteen, I lost both my parents with an epidemic,
which raged in the neighborhood. Up to that time, I had known poverty
and sorrow only through an occasional novel, which fell in my way. My
dear father, whose silver head I never can think of without
involuntarily and reverentially bowing my own, had made my child-life
one dream of delight. I felt free to think aloud in his presence. I
feared no monastic severity at my childish blunders, or indiscretions;
he was my friend, my play-fellow, as well as my teacher and guardian.
"I had an only brother, who had imbibed an unconquerable passion for
travel and adventure, and the only mistake my father ever made
educationally, was shutting him off from any mention of the subject. He
thought himself right in this, and meant it kindly; but it resulted in
my brother's secretly leaving home in disguise for a foreign port; he
has never since been heard from, and was probably lost at sea.
"Upon the death of my parents there was found nothing left for my
support, and I was left to the care of a distant relative. It was an
unexpected and unwelcome legacy, for Mrs. Bluff had five children of her
own, and though in comfortable circumstances, desired no addition to her
family. The knowledge of this added poignancy to the grief which already
burdened my heart. Upon entering this new life, I made many awkward
attempts, with my city-bred fingers, to propitiate Mrs. Bluff on such
occasions as baking-days, cleaning-days, washing-days, and ironing-days.
Mrs. Bluff's daughters were as round as pumpkins, and as flaunting as
sun-flowers; could spin and weave, and quilt, and bake, and brew, and
had the reputation of driving the best bargain at the village store, of
any customer for miles round; they pushed me this way and that, laughed
at my small, baby hands and pale face, wondered where I had been brought
up that I never saw a churn; 'swapped off' my dear books, my only
comforts, unknown to me, to a traveling peddler for some bright-red
ribbon, and voted me on all occasions a most useless piece of furniture.
As for Mr. Bluff, provided his horses, hens, cows, pigs, and chickens,
fulfilled their barn-yard destiny, and Squire Tompkins's rabbits did not
girdle his young trees, and his mug of cider was ready for his cobwebbed
throat as soon as his oxen's horns were seen turning down the lane, the
world might turn round or stand still.
"Every effort I made to conciliate the Bluffs, or to render myself
useful, met with a rude rebuff. I could not understand it then. I see
now that it was the rough but involuntary tribute which uneducated minds
involuntarily paid to a more refined one. Yet why should they feel thus?
If I could have taught them many things I had learned from books, they,
on the other hand, could have initiated me into the practical duties of
every-day life, without a knowledge of which any woman is in a pitiable
state of helplessness, for though she may be rich enough to have
servants, she is yet at their mercy, for if she chooses to order a
certain pudding for dinner, they may make a reply, which her ignorance
can not controvert, as to the time necessary to prepare it, or the
quantity of ingredients, not on hand, to make it.
"Deprived of my books, my mind preyed upon itself. I wandered off, in my
leisure hours, in the woods and fields, and built such air-castles as
architects of sixteen are apt to construct. So fond I became of my
wood-rambles in all weathers, and talking to myself for want of company,
that an old lady in the village asked Mrs. Bluff, with the most
commiserating concern, 'if it wasn't a heap of trouble to look after
that crazy critter?'
"I had been at Greytown about a year when a new pastor was settled over
the village church. It was an event commensurate with the taking of
Sebastopol. There was not an unwedded female in the parish, my cousins
included, who did not _give him a call_ in the most unmistakable manner.
What with utter disgust at these open advances, and renewed signs of
hostility on the part of my cousins since his advent, I resolved to
absent myself on the occasion of every parochial call, and to confine my
eyes to the pew crickets on Sunday.
"The barriers which my obstinacy thus built up chance threw down. City
bred as I was, I had an extraordinary gift at climbing trees and scaling
fences. In one of my rambles, trusting too much to my agile ankles, when
climbing over a stone wall, I lost my foothold, and was precipitated to
the ground, bringing down a large stone upon my foot. The pain was so
great that I fainted.
"When I came to myself, the minister was bathing my face with some water
he had brought from a brook near by. I roused myself, and after making
several ineffectual attempts to bear my own weight, was obliged to
accept his offered arm. I was vexed to have been seen in so awkward a
predicament, vexed that the dread of the storm that was sure to burst on
my head on my appearance with him at my aunt's, should render me
incapable of even the most common-place conversation. For some reason or
other, he seemed equally embarrassed with myself, and I shut myself up
on reaching home, to give full vent to my mortification. From that
moment I endured every species of persecution from my aunt and cousins,
who, with their scheming eyes, saw in it only a well-planned stratagem,
and drove me nearly distracted by speaking of it in that light to those
who would be sure to report it to the party most concerned. Whether this
suggested thoughts in the young minister he would not otherwise have
entertained, I can not say--certain it is, that he very soon invited me
to become mistress of the parsonage, and from its flowered windows, a
few weeks after, with my husband's arm about me, I could smile on my
parishioners, both male and female.
"Never was a wife blessed with a truer heart to rest upon--never was a
wife nearer forgetting that happiness is but the exception in this world
of change. What is this modern clamor about 'obedience' in the marriage
relation? How easy to 'obey' when the heart can not yield enough to the
loved one? Ah, the chain can not fret when it hangs so lightly! I never
heard the clanking of mine. Oh, the deep, unalloyed happiness of those
five short years! I look back upon it from this distance as one
remembers some lovely scene in a sunny, far-off land, where earth and
heaven put on such dazzling glory as dimmed the eyes forever after,
making night's leaden pall denser, gloomier, for the brightness which
had gone before. These are murmuring words; but Rose, if you ever loved
deeply; if after drifting about alone in a stormy sea of trouble, you
gained some gallant vessel, saw the port of peace in sight, and then
were again shipwrecked and engulfed--but you are weak yet, dear Rose; I
should not talk to you thus," said Gertrude, observing Rose's tears.
"It eases my heart sometimes to weep," was Rose's low reply. "Go on."
"I left the roof under which no sound of discord was ever heard, my
child and I. The world is full of widows and orphans. One meets their
sabled forms at every step. No one turns to look at them, unless perhaps
some tearful one at whose hearthstone also death has been busy. And so
we passed along, wondering, as thousands have done before us, as
thousands will in time to come, how the sun _could_ shine, how the birds
_could_ sing, how the flowers _could_ bloom, and we so grief-stricken! I
found the world what all find it who need it. Why weary you with a
repetition of its repulses--of my humiliations, and struggles, and
vigils? Years of privation and suffering passed over my head.
"Amid my ceaseless searches for employment I met a Mr. Stahle. He was a
widower, with two little boys who were at that time with his first
wife's relatives. He proposed marriage to me. My heart recoiled at the
thought, for my husband was ever before me, I told him so, but still he
urged his suit. I then told him that I feared to undertake the
responsibilities of a stepmother. He replied that was the strongest
argument in favor of my fitness for the office. He told me that _my_
child should be to him dear and cherished as his own. These were the
first words that moved me. For my child's sake should not I accept such
a comfortable home? Often he had been sick and suffered for medicines
not within my means to procure; was I not selfish in declining? I
vacillated. Stahle saw his advantage, and pursued it. A promise of
employment which had been held out to me that morning failed. I gave a
reluctant consent. Mr. Stahle's delight was unbounded; his buoyant
spirits oppressed me; his protestations of love and fidelity pained me;
I shrank away from his caresses, and when, after a few days, he, fearful
of a change in my resolution, urged a speedy union, I told him that the
marriage must not be consummated--that my heart was in my husband's
grave--that I could not love him as I saw he desired, and that our union
under such circumstances could never be a happy one.
"He would listen to no argument; said I had treated him unkindly; that
my promise was binding, and that I could not in honor retract it; that
he did not expect me to love him as he loved me, and that if I could
yield him no warmer feeling than friendship, he would rather have that
than the love of any other woman. Perplexed, wearied, and desponding, I
ceased to object rather than consented, while Stahle hurried the
preparations for our union. Worn out in mind and body, I resigned
myself as in a sort of stupor, like the wretch whom drowsiness
overpowers in the midst of pathless snows. Oh, had I _but then_ woke up
to the consciousness of my own powers! But I will not anticipate.
"Mr. Stahle took a house much larger than I thought necessary, for he
had only a limited salary. I begged him to expend nothing in show; that
if his object were to gratify me, I cared for none of those things. He
always had some reason, however, which he considered plausible, for
every purchase he made; and skipped from room to room with the glee of a
child in possession of a new toy, giving orders here and there for the
arrangement of carpets, furniture, and curtains, occasionally referring
to me. On such occasions I would answer at random, memory picturing
_another_ home, whose every nook and corner was cherished as he who had
made it for me an earthly heaven!
"One morning early, Stahle came to my lodgings in great haste, saying,
'Gertrude, we must be married immediately; this very morning; see here,'
and he drew from his pocket a paper, in which he read: 'Married, last
night, by Rev. Dr. Briggs, Mrs. Gertrude Deane to John H. Stahle.'
"'Who could have done that?' asked I, no suspicion of the truth crossing
my mind.
"'It is impossible to tell,' replied Mr. Stahle; 'at all events, there
is only one course for us to pursue; here is the marriage-license--the
clergyman will wait upon us in fifteen minutes. Never mind your dress,'
said he, as I cast my eye down upon my sable robes--(alas! they were all
too fitting)--'you always look pretty, Gertrude,' and he took my hand in
his own, which trembled with agitation.
"I was bewildered, paralyzed; for up to that moment I had hoped for some
unexpected deliverance. I was hardly conscious during the ceremony. I
remembered the face of my child, and of a friend who was witness. I
remember Stahle's convulsive pressure of my arm against his side. I
remember how like a knell fell these words upon my ear, 'I now pronounce
you man and wife.' I remember my dread of the clergyman's taking leave
of us; and I remember that the gleam of Stahle's eye, as he did so, made
me shiver.
"Stahle was mentally infinitely my inferior; still I believed him a
conscientious _Christian_. Now when I look back, I only wonder that I
did not lose my faith in the very belief he so disgraced by his
professorship. His external religious duties were most punctiliously
performed. He never was absent, how inclement soever the weather, from
church or vestry-meeting; he never, under any circumstances, omitted
family devotions; the Bible was as familiar to him as A, B, C, and as
often on his lips. I myself was religiously inclined; it was this alone
which had buoyed me up when wave after wave of trouble dashed over me. I
had thought sometimes that on this ground we could meet, if on no other.
This alone inspired me with confidence that his promises to me and my
child would be conscientiously kept.
"How can I describe to you my gradual waking up from this delusion? The
conviction that came slowly--but surely--that he was a hypocrite, and a
gross sensualist. That it was passion, not love, which he felt for me,
and that marriage was only the stepping-stone to an else impossible
gratification.
"Now I understood why that, which, to a delicate mind, would have been
an insuperable obstacle to our union, was but a straw in his path. It
was not the _soul_ of which he desired possession, it was not that which
he craved or could appreciate. I was wild with despair. O, the creeping
horror with which I listened to his coming footsteps! I sprang from my
seat when his footfall announced his approach--not to meet him, as a
wife should meet her husband, as I in happier days had met Arthur--but
to fly from him--to throw out my arms despairingly for help, and then to
sink back into my chair, and nerve myself with a calm voice and shrouded
eye to meet his unacceptable caresses.
"O, what a fate--and for me! I who had soared with the eagle, to burrow
with the mole!
"How aggravated the misery that one must bear alone! My perfect
self-control could not be penetrated by Stahle's imperfect vision;--to
him my disgust was only coyness, and served but as fuel to the flame.
This was my penance, for a sin against God, of which every woman is
guilty who goes from the altar with perjured lips. But alas! little by
little, as a drop of water may wear away the stone, had poverty, and
sorrow, and discouragement robbed me of my energy, and made me the
helpless tool I was. Still it comforted me that I had not deceived
Stahle;--he knew my heart was not his, and but for the trick to which I
was now sure his fears and passion had alike urged him on that fatal
morning, I might have roused myself ere too late, from the benumbing
spell of despair.
"Still, before God I resolved conscientiously to perform the duties I
had assumed. The more my heart recoiled, the more strict was my outward
observance. I patiently repaired the dilapidations of Stahle's widower
wardrobe; I attended to his minutest wishes with regard to the
management of his household; I saw that his favorite dishes were set
before him.
"_Duty_ in place of _Love_! O, the difference in the two watchwords! The
irresistible trumpet tones of the two combined!
"During the day, the labor of my hands served as an escape-valve for the
restlessness of my heart; but the evenings--the long, long
evenings!--for Stahle never left my side. I proposed his reading to me,
as a reprieve from his caresses. I did not care what, so that his arms
were not round my waist, or his lip near mine. The plan succeeded but
very indifferently; the books which I had on hand were not suited to his
understanding, or his taste. I then procured some novels, involved him
in tracing the fates of distressed lovers and their adjuncts, and
succeeded better; not but that even then there were occasional
parantheses which recalled me from the dream-land into which I had
wandered away from the book and its reader, while employed with my
needle. This reading also served as a pretext for lengthening the
evenings--which, paradoxical as it may appear, was very desirable to me.
"I have said Stahle had two absent children. I had urged him ever since
our marriage to bring them home. His reply always was: 'I can not leave
you yet, Gertrude, to go for them.' I urged their separation from him,
and the necessity that probably existed for those who had passed through
so many different hands, of some system, as to their government and
education. He seemed quite insensible to these appeals, having only one
thought, that of leaving me, although the journey required but one day.
"I am, as you have seen, Rose, very fond of children. I determined, God
helping me, to fulfill my duty to the utmost in regard to his. I hoped
to make this a pleasant duty.
"It was evening. I was alone; a cheerful fire blazed upon the hearth;
the tea-table was spread, the lamps lighted, and my little Arthur was
amusing himself making rabbits with his fingers upon the walls. I sat in
my little rocking-chair thinking. It was so blessed to be again alone
with only my little Arthur. Lip, eye, and brow to be out of school!
True, my bill of sale every where met my eye; the roof over my head was
_his_--I could not say _ours_.
"Hark!--away with such thoughts--that step was Stahle's! He had returned
from his day's journey. He came in, leading by the hand two little boys.
My heart warmed toward the motherless; these little ones, still clad in
the badge of mourning for her whose loss, with my best efforts, I could
never hope to repair;--these little ones, looking wonderingly about
them, in their meek helplessness, at the strange aspect of every thing!
It was to me an inexpressibly touching sight. Before I could caress
them, Stahle stepped between us, and threw his arms passionately about
me. It was so like him, that mistake. The children felt supplanted, cast
frightened glances at me, and nestled closer to each other. I lost not a
moment in disengaging myself from Stahle, and took them both in my lap.
"Fragile little things they were. They had outgrown their scanty
garments, the brush had not brought out the gloss on their silky locks,
their little finger-nails were all untrimmed, their flesh out of sight
not scrupulously clean; in short, they looked as childhood ever looks
when the watchful eye and busy hand of the mother is cold in death.
"We soon became friends. The searching glances they bent on me, in which
I felt they were, to the best of their childish ability, taking my
measure, I returned with looks of heartfelt pity and love.
"The next day, and many succeeding days, I busied myself in supplying
their wardrobe. I had a natural skill in cutting and making children's
garments, which, in my search for employment, I had sometimes hoped to
turn to account, and which rendered it a matter of little expense to
Stahle. This was a great gratification to me; it seemed to me to repay,
in some sort, an irksome obligation. I worked diligently and
assiduously, and had the satisfaction of hearing Stahle say that 'he had
not thought his children were so pretty;' and yet I expended nothing in
ornament, so unnecessary on childhood; but their limbs had free play in
their clothes; the colors of which their dresses were composed were
suited to their complexions; their feet were not compressed with tight
shoes; their hair was nicely kept, and they gradually lost that shy,
startled look which so distressed me when they first came.
"I taught Arthur to yield his natural rights in his own property to
them. It was a lesson I was desirous early to teach him, who was in
danger of becoming selfish from always having played alone.
"Children have quick instincts. Little Edgar and Harry soon learned to
love me, whom they knew to be their friend; they would put their arms
about my neck, and call me 'dear mother.' This troubled me; it seemed as
if it must pain _her_. I never taught them to call me so. I never taught
my child to call Stahle father. It seemed to me this should not be
forced, but should flow out spontaneously; even then I almost shrank
from accepting the sacred appellation. I talked to them often of their
own mother, lest years should efface the indistinct recollections of
infancy. I learned from their childish prattle, that she was 'always
sick.' I could readily believe it, for they had inherited her fragility;
also that she 'taught them a little prayer,' which they 'could not
remember,' though I repeated several which childhood oftenest lisps.
"They said mother's hair was not curly, like mine, and that she was
'ever so much little-er'; and that she coughed very bad, and could not
play with them much. Consumption then was the enemy I was to ward off;
so I protected their little lungs with flannel. I dressed them warmly,
and then tried to inure them to all weathers, as I had always done my
own child.
"I found a sort of quiet happiness in thus attempting to perform my
duty, for I really loved the children, who were quite as good as they
could be, after having passed through so many different hands. We had
been some time married when all the little ones were seized with
scarlatina, and after a painful prostration by it, and a partial
convalescence, the doctor advised a change of air, and we accordingly
commenced all needful preparations for the journey.
"Up to this time I had not been into public with Stahle; even in my
first married life I had never done this, (why should I have done so
when _home_ was Paradise?) and now--what availed change of place, when,
go where I might, the arrow was still quivering in my heart?
"Occasionally we had callers, business friends of Stahle's, to whom he
requested me to be, and to whom I was, punctiliously civil.
"But we were now to move out of this orbit into a wider one; we were to
meet more than one class of persons, for the facilities of travel have
made north and south, east and west, mere nominal terms.
"One day, on our journey, I took my seat at a public dinner-table with
Stahle. Some gentlemen were already seated, and engaged in conversation.
As we entered, one of them glancing at us, said to his companion, 'Look
there, Howard, how in the name of ---- did such a fellow,' nodding at
Stahle, 'get such a fine-looking woman as that for a wife?'
"Stahle overheard it; his lips were livid with suppressed rage, while in
spite of all my efforts to keep the tell-tale blood from my face, it
was quite crimsoned. From that moment he became changed; for the first
time the disparity between us seemed to dawn upon him. He thought every
body else was looking at us through the same pair of spectacles. He grew
moody, silent, and abstracted; was ever on the alert when we were in
company, overhearing every word, watching every look, noticing every
motion, magnifying every thing into an affront to him, or an overture to
me.
"I have not described Stahle's physique to you. He was under-sized, with
a pale complexion, and light brown beard. He wore his hair long, and
parted on the left temple, its sleek, shining look, giving him a meek
appearance; his lips were thin, and, in a woman, would have been called
shrewish; this tell-tale feature he dexterously concealed with his
beard. I have never seen such a mouth since, that I have not shuddered;
his eyes were a pale gray, and were always averted in talking, as if he
feared his secret thoughts might shine through them. He appeared to
great disadvantage in company, both from his inferior personal
appearance and his total inability to sustain a conversation on any
subject. Of this he seemed to be unaware until we appeared in company
together. I soon found that the monosyllabic system to which he was
necessarily confined, it would be necessary for me also to adopt, when
addressed. This, apart from the tyranny which prompted it, was no trial
to me, for I never liked going into company, and never was at a party
which paid me for the bore of dressing.
"Of course I saw all these things as though I saw them not. I was
perfectly aware of my position, and I resolved, under all circumstances,
to control myself, and never descend, whatever might transpire, to a war
of words. I appeared in public as seldom as possible, lest Stahle should
find cause of offense. I was as scrupulously attentive to him and his
interests as if I did not know that my best endeavors would now be
misconstrued. I felt no faltering in my desire to make his innocent
children happy and comfortable. I spoke to no one of my discomfort. I
said to myself, I have made a great mistake, and must bear the
consequences with what fortitude I may.
"I little knew the deadly malignity of Stahle's disposition. I little
knew the penalty I was to pay for the difference which nature and
education had made between us.
"One day Stahle came home looking unusually moody and sullen. He found
his dinner nicely prepared, and the children neatly washed and dressed.
The parlor was tidy, I was courteous; there was nothing to find fault
with, nothing to irritate, not the most slender foundation for a
quarrel.
"Stahle saw this--he could have wished it were otherwise. He was at a
loss how to proceed. After taking one or two turns across the room, he
said, 'Gertrude, I want all the children's clothes packed in a trunk,
and ready by noon to-morrow.'
"'The children,' asked I, in surprise, 'are you going to send the
children away? Where are they going?'
"'That's my affair,' he rudely answered.
"I asked no questions; I simply said 'The trunk shall be ready,' and
went on with my sewing. I did not know then as I do now, that it was the
first of a projected and deliberate series of attempts to injure me, by
creating the impression that the children were not well cared for. He
could not well have wounded me more deeply. I--who had so
conscientiously striven to perform my duty to the motherless. I--who,
when any little question between the children was to be decided, gave
the preference to _his_ children, lest I might wrong them even in a
trifle--those 'trifles,' which, to childhood are matters of as grave
importance as our adult affairs.
"The cunning malignity of this act was worthy of Stahle. I made no
complaint, I asked the children no question which I was too proud to ask
the father. The little trunk was packed, and Stahle remarking that he
should be gone two days, the carriage drove off. It was some comfort
that the children ran up to me, and put up their lips spontaneously for
a kiss, as they were leaving; it was more still that my conscience
acquitted me before God of any intentional sin of omission toward them.
"I had just begun to see the good effect of systematic training on
natures sweet and good, though neglected and misdirected. Their
wardrobes were amply supplied, the books purchased to teach them--and
now--well, I bore the cross uncomplainingly at least, and when Stahle
returned, no trace of what had occurred was perceptible in my manner, or
habits. He was evidently as much at a loss to understand my
self-control, as to cope with it. He had expected a scene--an outburst
of indignant feeling--an angry altercation in which his nature might
vent itself in a brutal reply. He judged me by the women whom he had all
his life known. He was at fault.
"His next step was to break up housekeeping and board out; for this
also, he gave me no reason. Whole days he passed without speaking to me,
and yet, at the same time, no inmate of a harem was ever more slavishly
subject to the gross appetite of her master. It was now midwinter; I had
a bad cough, and was suffering from want of flannels and thick
under-clothes; he furnished me with no funds for the purpose. This was
to compel me to do what would give him some advantage over me--run in
debt. I foresaw this, and avoided it, confining myself to my
insufficient clothing.
"Stahle always selected a boarding-house for our residence, the mistress
of which was _her own mistress_--(_i. e._, a widow or a single woman).
Immediately upon going to such a house, a private understanding sprung
up between Stahle and herself, and the servants taking their cue from
their mistress, I found it quite impossible to get any thing I wanted.
This was less of a trial to me than it might have been, had I not been
accustomed to wait upon myself; but one is necessarily circumscribed in
a boarding-house; the cellar may not be visited for coal, or the kitchen
for water, if the landlady does not see fit to have the bells answered;
neither, if she chooses to decree otherwise, and your husband is in the
conspiracy, can you be waited on at the table till every one else has
been served. Stahle often finished his dinner and rose from the table
while my plate and Arthur's, had not been once filled. He studiously
insulted me by this public neglect, and to make it still more marked,
helped every one else, even the men, within reach. Of this, also, I took
no outward notice.
"One day the landlady came to me with a manner so bland that I was
instantly on my guard. She complimented my hair, my figure, my manners.
She wondered I never came down out of my room into the public parlor.
She intimated that the gentlemen were very desirous of making my
acquaintance, particularly one, by the name of Voom--with whom, by the
way, I had seen Stahle leave the house, arm in arm. I saw through the
plot at once--but received it as if I did not, treated her just as
civilly as if she were not a female Judas, and resolutely kept my own
apartment.
"To show you the pettiness of Stahle's revenge, I will mention one or
two incidents:
"One evening, while walking my room, a needle penetrated the thin sole
of my slipper, and was at once half buried in my foot. Three times, with
all my strength, I tried to extricate it; the fourth, and I was still
unsuccessful; both strength and courage now failed me. Stahle, from the
other side of the room, looked coolly on, and, with a Satanic smile,
said, 'Why don't you pull again?' With the courage inspired by this
brutal question, I seized the protruding point of the needle with my
trembling fingers, and finally succeeded in withdrawing it.
"That evening sharp pains commenced shooting through my foot, extending
quite to my side. I began to grow uneasy as they increased, and
requested Stahle to send for the doctor. This he peremptorily refused to
do. I waited a while longer, my limb in the mean time growing more and
more painful. Again I requested Stahle to go for the doctor, or I should
be obliged to send some one. At this he put on his hat and coat, and
went out. After a prolonged absence he returned, not with a doctor, but
a bottle of leeches, which he said 'had been ordered,' and set down the
bottle containing them on a table at the further end of the room.
"It had become by that time quite difficult for me to step, as the
needle had penetrated the sole of my foot; but, by the help of chairs,
I pushed myself along until I reached the bottle.
"I am not given to faintings or womanish fears, but from my childhood I
have had a shuddering horror of any thing like a snake; so unconquerable
was this aversion, that I was forced to date it back prior to my birth.
"Stahle was aware of this weakness, and as, with a strong effort at
self-command, I took up the bottle and then set it down again in a
paroxysm of terror at the squirming inmates, he laughed derisively. That
laugh nerved me with new strength. I uncorked the bottle, holding its
mouth close to my foot, that the leeches might fasten on it, without my
touching them with my fingers.
"As the first one greedily struck at my foot, I fainted. The effort at
self-control in my nervous, excited state, was too much for me.
"When I recovered, the broken bottle lay upon the floor, the leeches had
disappeared, save the one which had fastened upon my foot, and Stahle
had gone to bed.
"Not long after this, unable to go out myself, I sent my little Arthur
of a necessary errand. He had attended to it successfully, and was
returning, when a gig, furiously driven by two young men, turned rapidly
a street-corner, ran against and prostrated him. Arthur was a very
spirited little fellow, and, beside, had much of the Spartan in his
temperament. A policeman who saw the transaction, stepped up and raised
him upon his feet, the brave child stoutly maintaining that he was 'not
much hurt.' With all this bravery, Arthur was also shy and sensitive,
and the gathering crowd and the immediate proximity of the policeman
annoyed and mortified him. The policeman, however, true to his duty,
would not leave him, and Arthur, whose love to me no thought of self
could ever obliterate, gave him the number of Stahle's place of business
instead of our residence, lest I should be distressed or frightened in
my invalid state by their sudden appearance.
"The policeman accordingly left him there, satisfied that he would be
kindly cared for by a father. After he had gone, Stahle put his pen
behind his ear, his hands in his pockets, and, surveying my boy a
moment, said, 'Well, sir, go home to your mother.'
"Child as he was, he would have died rather than ask for the conveyance
which he so much needed, or even for Stahle's helping hand on the
way--for it was a long distance to our lodgings--and Stahle saw him limp
out without offering either.
"The door opened, and with white lips my brave boy staggered into the
room, and briefly narrated his misfortune, still persisting, though the
pain was even then forcing tears from his eyes, that he was 'not hurt.'
I took off his clothes, and found his side already quite black with the
bruise he had received, and so sore that, though he still refrained from
complaining, he winced at the lightest touch of my finger.
"I had not a cent in my possession. I had not had for a long time, for
I never had asked Stahle for money. This Stahle knew, and that day and
night, and half of the following day he purposely absented himself,
leaving me to get along in these circumstances as best I could with the
child. On his return he asked no questions and took no notice of the
occurrence, although Arthur was still a prisoner to the sofa. Not a word
passed my lips either on the subject, though this, to my maternal heart,
had been the heaviest trial it had yet been called to bear.
"Time passed on, and Arthur had become convalescent. I was now so
extremely nervous from mental suffering, that I found it impossible to
sleep unless I first wearied myself with out-door exercise.
"Tying on my bonnet, I went out one afternoon for the purpose. The noise
and whirl of the street was an untold relief to me.
"Motion--motion--when the brain reels, and despair tugs at the
heart-strings!
"On my return I was not obliged to ring at the front door, as some
persons were standing upon the steps talking; I passed them and my light
footfall on the carpet, being noiseless, I entered the door of my room
unheralded.
"Judge of my astonishment when I saw Stahle standing with his back to
me, quite unaware of my presence, inspecting (by means of false keys)
the contents of my private writing-desk! opening my husband's letters,
sacred to me as the memory of his love; reading others from valued
friends, received before my marriage with Stahle--not one of which, for
any stain they cast on me, might not have been bared to the world's
censorious eye.
"He then took up my husband's miniature--O, how unlike the craven face
which bent over it! At last, I was choking with passion; this was the
brimming drop in my cup; you might have known it by the low, calm tone
with which I almost whispered as I laid my trembling hand on my
treasures--'these are _mine_ not yours--"
"They were the only words which escaped my lips, but there must have
been something in the tone and in my face, before which his spirit
cowered. He made no attempt to resist me as I took possession of them,
but turning doggedly on his heel, muttered: 'the law says you can have
nothing that is not mine.' O, how many crushed and bleeding hearts all
over our land can endorse the truth of this brutal answer.
"Stahle began now to spend his nights away from home; I had never yet
made a complaint or remonstrance except in the case just stated. I did
not now. If it was his purpose with his usual want of insight into my
character, to give me a long cord with which to hang myself, it failed,
for my boy and I slumbered innocently and peacefully.
"You may ask why, with these feelings toward me, he did not desert me;
for two reasons. 1st. He had a religious character to sustain; during
all this time he was more constant than ever, if that were possible, at
every church and vestry-meeting, often taking part in the exercises, and
always out-singing and out-praying every other church-member. 2d. It was
his expectation by these continuous private indignities, which many a
wife suffers in silence, to force _me_ to leave _him_, and thus preserve
his pietistic reputation untarnished. All these plans, which I perfectly
understood, failed. He could find nothing upon which to sustain a charge
against me, either in my daily conduct, or in my private correspondence,
dated, long years before he knew me, but which the _law allowed him to
inspect_.
"I contracted no debts because he would not supply my necessary wants. I
took no advantage of his absence from home to forfeit my own
self-respect. What was to be done? He must move cautiously, for the
maintenance of a religious character was his stock in trade.
"Returning from a walk one day with my little Arthur, I found a note on
my table from Stahle, saying 'that he had suddenly been called South on
business, and should remain a few days.' I have never seen him since.
Not that I did not hear from him, for the plan was legally concocted.
Letters were written to me by him, saying 'that he was searching for a
good business-situation, and would send for me when he found it.'
Sending for me to join him, but making no mention of my boy. Sending
for me to come hundreds of miles away under the escort of his brother,
whom I had ascertained to have uttered the foulest slanders about me
(and who was to be my protector and purser on the occasion). Every
letter was legally worded; 'my dear Gertrude' was at the top of the
letter, and 'your affectionate husband' at the bottom. They were always
delivered to me by two witnesses, that I might not dodge having received
them. And yet each one, though without a flaw in the eye of the law, was
so managed as to render compliance with it impossible, had I desired to
rejoin a man who had done, and was still covertly doing, all in his
power to injure my good name. In the meanwhile, what he dared not do
openly, he did by the underground railroad of slander; insinuations were
made by those in his employ; eyebrows were raised, shoulders were
shrugged, hints thrown out that my extravagance had rendered it
necessary for him to leave me. (I, who had never asked for a cent since
our marriage, whose nimble needle had replenished his own and his
children's dilapidated wardrobes.)
"Men stared insolently at me in the street; women cast self-righteous
scornful glances; 'friends' worse than foes, were emboldened by _his_
villainy to subject themselves to a withering repulse from her who
sought to earn her _honest_ bread.
"Did I go out in search of employment--I was 'parading to show myself.'
Did I stay within doors--'there was no doubt a good reason why I _dared_
not go out.' Did I keep my own and my boy's small stock of clothing
whole, tidy, and neat--'they would like to know who kept me in clothes
now.'"
"Surely," said Rose, interrupting her, "surely, dear Gertrude, there
must have been those who knew, and could bear witness, that you were
good and innocent."
"True," answered Gertrude, "there were those who could do so, but
admitting this fact, what plausible excuse could they make for not being
my helpers and defenders on all needful occasions? No, dear Rose, the
world is a selfish one, and degrading as it is to human nature to assert
it, it is nevertheless true, that there are many, like those summer
friends of mine, who would stand by with dumb lips and see the slanderer
distill, drop by drop, his poison into the life-blood of his victim,
rather than bring forward, at some probable cost to themselves, the
antidote of truth in their possession. Even blood relations have been
known to circulate what they knew to be a slander to cover their
parsimony. And those people, who are the most greedy listeners to the
slanderer's racy tale, are the people who "never meddle in such things,"
when called upon to refute it.
"Did these bitter taunts crush me? Was I to become, through despair, the
vile thing Stahle and his agents wished?"
"No! The nights I walked my chamber-floor, with my finger-nails
piercing my clinched palms till the blood came, were not without their
use. I weighed every faculty God had given me, measured every power,
with a view to its marketable use. I found one yet untried. I seized my
pencil, and I triumphed even with the blood-hounds on my track, for God
helped the innocent."
"Oh, teach me that, strong-hearted, noble Gertrude, teach me that! for I
have no stay this side Heaven!" and, with sobbing utterance, Rose poured
into Gertrude's sympathizing heart the checkered story of her life.
Did she whose courage had parted the stormy waters of trouble, and who
had come out triumphant, turn a deaf ear to that wail of despair?
Is woman _always_ the bitterest foe of her crushed sister? always the
first to throw a stone at her?
No--God be thanked! For the first time Rose was folded to a loving
sister's heart, and in the sweet words of Ruth to Naomi, Gertrude said,
as she bade Rose good-night,
"Whither thou goest I will go; whither thou lodgest I will lodge; naught
but death shall part thee and me."
Was the watchman's midnight cry, "All's well," beneath the window, a
prophecy?