_House of Commons, Monday, April 29._--When _Mr. Toots_, in agony of
perturbed bashfulness, sat down on _Florence Dombey's_ best bonnet,
he murmured, "Oh, it's of no consequence." SQUIRE OF MALWOOD does not
resemble _Mr. Toots_ in any respect, not even that of bashfulness. But
he has a way, when taking important move, of studiously investing it
with appearance of "no consequence." Thus to-night, asking for lion's
share of time for remaining portion of Session, he could hardly
bring himself to uplift his voice: mumbled over phrases; coughed at
conjunctions; half paralysed by prepositions; looked round with pained
astonishment when Members behind cried, "Speak up!" Why should he
trouble to speak up on so immaterial a matter? Still, to oblige, he
would say all he wanted was to take for Government purposes, for rest
of Session, all the time of House, save the inconvenient Wednesday
afternoon sitting, and the inconsiderable Friday night.
More marked this cultured mannerism when announcing immediate
introduction of Bill prohibiting plural voting. This a genuine
surprise. Not been talked of since House met. Nobody thinking of
it. SQUIRE in almost whisper announced its introduction to-morrow.
Astonished beyond measure at commotion created; the boisterous cheers
of Liberals, the uneasy laughter of Opposition.
"Most remarkable place this House of Commons," he said afterwards,
gazing over my head into the infinite horizon, where shadowy figure
of Local Veto Bill is visible to the eye of faith. "Always full of
surprises even for old practitioners like you and me."
PRINCE ARTHUR, much relishing this subtle humour, was himself in
sprightliest mood. The whole business of Session, he protested, was an
elaborate joke. If they were there to work, he would take off his coat
and ding on with the best of them. But they were there to play.
"Well, let us play," he said, holding out both hands with gesture of
invitation to Treasury Bench.
Proposal irresistible. House divided forthwith; SQUIRE'S motion
carried by majority of 22; then, whilst half a dozen naval men talked
water-tube boiler, PRINCE ARTHUR, SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, and picked
company from either side went out behind SPEAKER'S Chair to play. Such
larks! To see PRINCE ARTHUR take in a stride "the backs" given him by
the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, with CAWMEL-BANNERMAN next; to see JOHN MORLEY
seriously whipping a top; to watch BRYCE breathless behind the nimble
hoop; to look on while EDWARD GREY, forgetful of China and Japan,
thinking nothing of Nicaragua, played a game of marbles with HART
DYKE; to see LOCKWOOD trying a spurt with DICK WEBSTER, the course
being twice round the Division Lobby, ASQUITH, fresh from the
Cab-arbitration, having handicapped them--to see this, and much else,
was a spectacle wholesome for those engaged in it, interesting for the
solitary spectator.
_Business done._--Shipbuilding Vote in Navy Estimates agreed to.
_Tuesday._--Odd thing that on this particular night, when Government
bring in Bill prohibiting plurality of voting, BILL should bring in a
Bill. His first and only Bill. Of course he might argue if we have one
man one vote, one BILL one Bill is all right. Yes; but, as SARK with
his keen mathematical instinct points out, this is a case of two
Bills--BILL, the Member for Leek, and a Bill to empower magistrates
to prohibit the sale of intoxicating liquors to persons previously
convicted of drunkenness. That is obviously a plurality of Bills. But
we are getting hopelessly mixed. The only man among us who sees clear
is JOHN WILLIAM. Deep pathos in his voice as he says the time is near
at hand when a tyrannical Government will attempt to enforce principle
of "One Man One Drink."
Cap'en TOMMY BOWLES had best of dreary evening. Mentioned yesterday,
with tears from his honest blue eyes coursing down his rugged,
weather-beaten cheek, fresh infamy on part of SQUIRE OF MALWOOD. Had
announced on Thursday that, at Monday's sitting, Naval Works Loan
Bill would be proceeded with. TOMMY accordingly clewed up, and ran for
port; laying to for forty-eight hours, prepared speech on Naval Works.
Now SQUIRE calmly announced that Shipbuilding Vote was to be taken.
What was TOMMY to do with speech prepared on Naval Works Loans?
[Illustration: Cap'en Tommy Bowles.]
In despair yesterday; to-day bright idea struck him. SHAW-LEFEVRE had
moved to introduce One Man One Vote Bill. Why shouldn't TOMMY, flying
that flag, run in and deliver his speech on Naval Works? A bold
experiment; only hope of success was that House, being in almost
comatose state, wouldn't notice ruse if cleverly managed. Trust TOMMY
for clever management. Holding sheaf of notes firmly in left hand,
deftly turning them over with the hook that serves him for right hand,
the old salt read his speech on Naval Works Loan Bill. Here and there,
when he observed restless movement in any part of House, fired off
phrase about "forty-shilling freeholder," "occupation votes," "rural
constituencies," "re-distribution," "country going to the dogs,"
"jerrymandering," and "right hon. gentleman opposite." Scheme worked
admirably; speech reeled off, and SQUIRE OF MALWOOD'S knavish trick
confounded.
_Business done._--One Man One Vote Bill brought in.
_Thursday._--House not to be moved to evidence of excitement even
by prospect of Budget night. On such occasion in ordinary times
attendance at prayer-time most encouraging to Chaplain. Begins to
think that at last his ministrations are bearing fruit. This afternoon
congregation not much above average. No rush for tickets for seats.
When _Squire_ rose to open his statement, great gaps below Gangway on
Ministerial side. The SQUIRE, recognising situation, refrained from
heroics, content to deliver plain business speech. No exordium; no
peroration; no flight into empyrean heights of eloquence as was the
wont of Mr. G. Some sympathetic movement when SQUIRE, with momentarily
increased briskness of manner, spoke of snap of cold weather in
February, with its accompaniment of influenza, increased death-rate,
and fuller flow of death duties into National coffers. The quality of
this mercy was not quite unstrained. Not dropping, like the gentle dew
from heaven, till February, increased death rates will not come into
account till succeeding year. Still, there was rum. As thermometer
fell rum went up with a rush.
Fifteen men on a dead man's chest.
High ho! and a bottle of rum.
What with comforting the mourners, and imbibed as a preventive, rum
brought a windfall of £100,000 into the Treasury.
That was well in its way. But then there were those 75,000
mean-spirited people who ought to have died last year, their estates
paying tribute to CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER, and who positively insisted
upon living. The long-trained fortitude of the SQUIRE nearly broke
down when he mentioned this circumstance. Pretty to see how it also
touched JOKIM. The wounds of riven friendship temporarily closed up;
the rivalry of recent years forgotten in contemplation of these 75,000
reckless, ruthless people, who, in defiance of law of average, didn't
die in financial year ending March 31, 1895. The past CHANCELLOR OF
EXCHEQUER and his successor in office mingled their tears. But for
intervention of table they would probably have flung themselves into
each other's arms and sobbed aloud.
"Thus," said PRINCE ARTHUR, himself not unaffected by the scene, "doth
one touch of nature make Chancellors of the Exchequer kin."
_Business done._--Budget brought in.
_Friday Night._--ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS submitted proposal to dock payment
of £10,000 annuity to Duke of COBURG. Thinks H.R.H. might, in
circumstances, get along nicely without it. SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE
agrees. T. H. BOLTONPARTY, on the other hand, gravely differs. Folding
his arms as was his wont on eve of Austerlitz, he regards ALPHEUS
CLEOPHAS with awful frown. Imperial instincts naturally wounded. "No
trifling with the personal revenues of our Royal cousins, whether at
home or abroad," said T. H. BOLTONPARTY in the voice of thunder that
once reverberated across the shivering chasms of the Alps.
_Business done._--Proposal to cut off Duke of COBURG'S pension
negatived by 193 votes against 72.
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