(_Under the guidance of Herr Goethemann._)
_Questioner._ You were good enough to promise me at our next meeting a
specimen of the Author-publisher's dramatic manner.
_Answer._ With pleasure. I will read it to you.
"_Afternoon. Two-pair suburban back. Upright piano. High-minded
table._ HENRY (_dramatic author and host_) _under it, heavy with
wine._ ROMEO (_his friend and Town Blood_) _communing with_ MARY ANN
(_local ingénue_). ELIZA (_her sister and hostess_) _outside just
now, making coffee. She will come in presently, and realise_ DRAMATIC
MOMENT.
_Mary Ann._ Get up, Henry, and give us a regular old rousing tune.
_Henry_ (_huskily, emerging from retreat_). What shall it be?
_Romeo._ Oh, anything. WAGNER for choice.
[_Gifted musician obliges with a pot pourri of 'Parsifal,'_
ROMEO _absently whistling the trombone part_.
_Mary Ann._ Ripping! Now something classical. Let's have '_After the
Ball_.' Come on, ROMEO, we'll waltz; push back the fire-place. (_They
push back the fire-place;_ ROMEO _grasps_ MARY ANN, _and they revolve.
He kisses her on the cheek_ L. C.) Well, I never did! For shame! I
decline to dance with you. There!
[_Declines to dance with him._
_Henry._ One for _you_, my buck! Cheer up, MARY ANN; _I_'ll give you a
turn.
[_Pirouettes twice with her, humming suitable air._
_Mary Ann_ (_rendered completely breathless_). It's not like real
dancing when you only _hum!_
_Henry._ Can't play and dance at same time, you know. Piano too
stationary. So you must take ROMEO on again, or go without.
_Eliza_ (_entering with coffee-tray and realising situation_). Well,
I declare! Having high jinks while I was making the coffee. What
dramatic irony!
[ROMEO _gallantly invites her to join the giddy throng. They
dance._
_Eliza_ (_rendered completely breathless_). My soul! I'm in bad
training!
_Mary Ann_ (_having got her second wind_). Have a turn with _me_,
ELIZA! ROMEO 's no good; he misses out every other bar.
_Eliza._ Want my coffee. No wind left.
[HENRY _spontaneously sings a Lullaby of_ BRAHMS'. _Stops in
middle to see what they all think of it. They all think a lot
of it. Goes on singing. Only_ ELIZA _goes on thinking a lot of
it. Others talk quite loud_, ROMEO _being a Town Blood._ HENRY
_finishes, under conviction that they have no manners to speak
of. Mind wanders off to the leading lady in his new piece, and
he drops inadvertently into 'Daisy' waltz._ ELIZA _waits for
second wind._ ROMEO _grapples with_ MARY ANN, _the latter
reluctant. She is rapt away in mazy whirl, kicking feebly. He
again kisses her on the cheek, this time_ R. C.
_Eliza._ Man! I saw you! It was a wanton act.
_Henry_ (_casually_). Anything broken?
_Eliza._ Oh, HENRY! He went and kissed my MARY ANN, my own sister!
_Romeo_ (_with easy bravado_). A mere nothing, I assure you. She's so
provoking, don't you know? Had to do it in self-defence.
_Eliza._ It is contrary to established etiquette in _our_ circles.
MARY ANN, how _could_ you?
_Mary Ann._ I didn't. It was him. I shall scream another time.
_Eliza._ Man, you will oblige me by treating my sister as you would
your own.
[_Exit with crushing expression which leaves_ ROMEO _intact._
_Mary Ann._ ELIZA talks rot. (_To_ ROMEO.) Not that you're not a
beast, all the same.
[_Exit in two frames of mind._ HENRY _laughs and makes light
of osculation. The men converse. The plot becomes even more
intricate. The end is nigh._"
* * *
_Question._ Do I miss the purpose of the Author-publisher?
_Answer._ I should think it highly improbable.
_Q._ But why did he write it?
_A._ It is a "problem-play," and that, as I said, is the problem.
* * * * *
CHEERING.--Liberal Party much encouraged by East Wicklow and East
Leeds. "Wisdom from the East," they call it.
* * * * *
[Illustration: A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT.
_Nervous Youth._ "WELL--ER--GOOD-BYE, MRS. THOMAS. AWFULLY GLAD I MET
YOU! ER--SO GOOD OF YOU--SO MUCH PLEASANTER THAN RIDING ALONE!"
[_Shuts up._
]
* * * * *