It happened a long time ago. Higgins, Mackenzie and I, three
irresponsible subalterns, had been lent to the Government of India
for famine relief work. One Sunday we foregathered in the cool of the
evening at a dak bungalow, near the point where our three districts
met, to compare notes and to swap lies.
"How are you getting on?" I asked Higgins.
"I'm not getting on at all. I'm just stagnating. I do all my work and
draw my pay, and there's the end of it. I'm sure the regiment has
forgotten all about me, and in fact no one seems to be aware of my
existence."
"Why not write to the Government of India about it?" remarked
Mackenzie.
"Yes, I'm sure that's the best thing to do," I agreed. "The Collector
in my district is always writing to the Government of India, and the
Government prints all he writes and sends it round with remarks and
decisions. He will get all sorts of honours and rewards out of this
famine."
"Yes. But what shall I write?" asked Higgins. "If I simply say there
is a chap called Higgins who is terribly bored and wants some notice
taken of him, they won't print that sort of tosh."
"Not that particular kind of tosh, perhaps," agreed Mackenzie. "You've
got to write about your work and ask for a decision on some point or
other. Then they'll remember your existence; and if you write often
enough you will gradually crawl out of obscurity into the limelight.
Almost anything will do to start with."
"Well, I found an old woman to-day in one of my camps who could not
eat her ration, because she had no teeth. Can you make anything out of
that?" asked Higgins.
"We'll have a shot at it anyway," replied Mackenzie. He pulled a sheet
of note-paper and a pencil out of his pocket and wrote the following
draft:--"There are in the famine camps in my area some toothless old
people who cannot eat the ordinary ration. What shall I do about it?"
"The gist of the letter is all right," I said, "but the style wants
polishing. Higgins's education will be gauged by our style. Cross out
'some toothless old people' and write 'certain edentulous persons.'
Put 'masticate' instead of 'eat.' Then you must not say, 'What shall I
do about it?' That sounds too helpless. You, or rather Higgins, must
appear as a man of unbounded initiative and resource. You must write,
'I suggest that a special ration of soft food be issued to such
persons.' That will help the Government of India to solve a very
difficult problem, and Higgins will earn its eternal gratitude."
The amendments were passed unanimously. Higgins copied out the letter
in his best handwriting and sent it off through the long and winding
channels by which subalterns on famine duty communicate with the
heaven-born ones who sit on the far-off hills.
We separated next day, and I forgot all about the matter until three
weeks later, when, going through my official mail, the name Patrick
Aloysius Higgins caught my eye. There was our letter printed in full,
and below it was the epoch-making decision of the Government: "A
special ration of soft food may be issued to edentulous persons in
famine camps."
Higgins's success evidently provoked Mackenzie to emulate it. Some
time later I received another printed document. After the usual
official opening, with its reference numbers, etc., it ran as follows:
"There are in the famine camps in this area certain persons who,
though not edentulous, are yet unable to masticate the ordinary
ration. Though they have some teeth, the teeth are all in one jaw.
May such persons be considered as edentulous for the purposes of the
decision referred to above? Signed, JAMES DOUGLAS MACKENZIE." The
Government was again pleased to record its approval.
The letter roused my jealousy. Higgins and Mackenzie, by the use of
my distinguished literary style, had both got well along the road to
fame, whilst I was still languishing in obscurity. Something must be
done about it. I took a pen and wrote: "There are in the famine camps
in this area certain persons who, though they are not edentulous and
though they have some teeth in both jaws, are yet unable to masticate
the ordinary ration because the teeth in the upper jaw correspond
with the gaps in the lower, and _vice versa_. May such persons
be considered as edentulous for the purposes of the two previous
decisions?"
I sent the letter off to the Government of India. The reply came by
return of post:--
"The Government of India, in response to representations, has
authorised the issue of a special ration of soft food to edentulous
persons in famine camps. In the interpretation of the term
'edentulous' considerable latitude may be permitted, and is indeed
desirable, so that it may in practice be applied to many individuals
who, according to meticulous physiological standards, should not be
so classified. The determining factor in the application of the
term should be the inability of the individual concerned to extract
sufficient nutriment from the normal ration, owing to imperfect
mastication. Such persons will invariably exhibit symptoms of
mal-nutrition or cacotrophy.
"The Government is confident that the foregoing general ruling will
enable junior and inexperienced officers, temporarily employed
on famine duty, to classify appropriately and with facility as
denticulate or edentulous all individuals afflicted with dental
hiatus, mal-conformation and labefaction, without further reference to
higher authority."
As I read the letter with the help of a dictionary, it dawned upon me
that the Government of India had won the game beyond all doubt and
peradventure.
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