IN APRIL.
"Why, how one weeps
When one's too weary! Were a witness by,
He'd say some folly--"
So the bill went on. And the season too. Winter merged into spring; the
change of temperature reminded Eleanor of the changing face of the
earth out of London; and even in London the parks gave testimony of it.
She longed for Wiglands and the Lodge; but there was no token of the
family's going home at present. Parliament was in session; Mr. Carlisle
was busy there every night almost; which did not in the least hinder
his being busied with Eleanor as well. Where she and her mother went,
for the most part he went; and at home he was very much at home indeed.
Eleanor began to feel that the motions of the family depended on him;
for she could find no sufficient explanation in her father's health or
her mother's pleasure for their continued remaining in town. The Squire
was much as he had been all winter; attended now and then by a
physician, and out of health and spirits certainly; yet Eleanor could
not help thinking he would be better at home, and somewhat suspected
her father thought so. Mrs. Powle enjoyed London, no doubt; still, she
was not a woman to run mad after pleasure, or after anything else; not
so much but that the pleasure of her husband would have outweighed
hers. Nevertheless, both the Squire and she were as quietly fixed in
London, to judge by all appearance, as if they had no other place to go
to; and the rising of parliament was sometimes hinted at as giving the
only clue to the probable time of their departure.
Did you ever lay brands together on a hearth, brands with little life
in them too, seemingly; when with no breath blown or stirring of air to
fan them, gradually, by mere action and reaction upon each other, the
cold grey ends began to sparkle and glow, till by and by the fire burst
forth and flame sprang up? Circumstances may be laid together so, and
with like effect.
Everything went on in a train at the house in Cadogan Square; nobody
changed his attitude or behaviour with respect to the others, except as
by that most insensible, unnoticeable, quiet action of elements at
work; yet the time came when Eleanor began to feel that things were
drawing towards a crisis. Her place was becoming uncomfortable. She
could not tell how, she did not know when it began, but a change in the
home atmosphere became sensible to her. It was growing to be
oppressive. Mother, father, and friends seemed by concert to say that
she was Mr. Carlisle's; and the gentleman himself began to look it,
Eleanor thought, though he did not say it. A little tacit allowance of
this mute language of assignment, and either her truth would be
forfeited or her freedom. She must make a decided protest. Yet also
Eleanor felt that quality in the moral atmosphere which threatened that
if any clouds came up they would be stormy clouds; and she dreaded to
make any move. Julia's society would have been a great solace now; when
she never could have it. Julia comforted her, whenever they were
together in company or met for a moment alone, by her energetic
whisper--"I remember, Eleanor!--" but that was all. Eleanor could get
no further speech of her. At the Ragged school Mr. Carlisle was pretty
sure to be, and generally attended her home. Eleanor remonstrated with
her mother, and got a sharp answer, that it was only thanks to Mr.
Carlisle she went there at all; if it were not for him Mrs. Powle
certainly would put a stop to it. Eleanor pondered very earnestly the
question of putting a stop to it herself; but it was at Mr. Carlisle's
own risk; the poor boys in the school wanted her ministrations; and the
"bill" was in process of preparation. Eleanor's heart was set on that
bill, and her help she knew was greatly needed in its construction; she
could not bear to give it up. So she let matters take their course; and
talked reform diligently to Mr. Carlisle all the time they were driving
from West-Smithfield home.
At last to Eleanor's joy, the important paper was drawn up according to
her mind. It satisfied her. And it was brought to a reading in the
House and ordered to be printed. So much was gained. The very next day
Mr. Carlisle came to ask Eleanor to drive out with him to Richmond,
which she had never seen. Eleanor coolly declined. He pressed the
charms of the place, and of the country at that season. Eleanor with
the same coolness of manner replied that she hoped soon to enjoy the
country at home; and that she could not go to Richmond. Mr. Carlisle
withdrew his plea, sat and talked some time, making himself very
agreeable, though Eleanor could not quite enjoy his agreeableness that
morning; and went away. He had given no sign of understanding her or of
being rebuffed; and she was not satisfied. The next morning early her
mother came to her.
"Eleanor, what do you say to a visit to Hampton Court to-day?"
"Who is going, mamma?"
"Half the world, I suppose--there or somewhere else--such a day; but
with you, your friend in parliament."
"I have several friends in parliament."
"Pshaw, Eleanor! you know I mean Mr. Carlisle. You had better dress
immediately, for he will be here for you early. He wants to have the
whole day. Put on that green silk which becomes you so well. How it
does, I don't know; for you are not blonde; but you look as handsome as
a fairy queen in it. Come, Eleanor!"
"I do not care about going, mamma."
"Nonsense, child; you do care. You have no idea what Bushy Park is,
Eleanor. It is not like Rythdale--though Rythdale will do in its way.
Come, child, get ready. You will enjoy it delightfully."
"I do not think I should, mamma. I do not think I ought to go with Mr.
Carlisle."
"Why not?"
"You know, mamma," Eleanor said calmly, though her heart beat; "you
know what conclusions people draw about me and Mr. Carlisle. If I went
to Hampton Court or to Richmond with him, I should give them, and him
too, a right to those conclusions."
"What have you been doing for months past, Eleanor? I should like to
know."
"Giving him no right to any conclusions whatever, mamma, that would be
favourable to him. He knows that."
"He knows no such thing. You are a fool, Eleanor. Have you not said to
all the world all this winter, by your actions, that you belonged to
him? All the world knows it was an engagement, and you have been
telling all the world that it is. Mr. Carlisle knows what to expect."
Eleanor coloured.
"I cannot fulfil his expectations, mamma. He has no right to them."
"I tell you, you have given him a right to them, by your behaviour
these months past. Ever since we were at Brighton. Why how you
encouraged him there!"
A great flush rose to Eleanor's cheeks.
"Mamma,--no more than I encouraged others. Grace given to all is favour
to none."
"Ay, but there was the particular favour in his case of a promise to
marry him."
"Broken off, mamma."
"The world did not know that, and you did not tell them. You rode, you
walked, you talked, you went hither and thither with Mr. Carlisle, and
suffered him to attend you."
"Not alone, mamma; rarely alone."
"Often alone, child; often of evenings. You are alone with a gentleman
in the street, if there is a crowd before and behind you."
"Mamma, all those things that I did, and that I was sorry to do, I
could hardly get out of or get rid of; they were Mr. Carlisle's doing
and yours."
"Granted; and you made them yours by acceptance. Now Eleanor, you are a
good girl; be a sensible girl. You have promised yourself to Mr.
Carlisle in the eye of all the world; now be honest, and don't be shy,
and fulfil your engagements."
"I have made none," said Eleanor getting up and beginning to walk
backwards and forwards in the room. "Mr. Carlisle has been told
distinctly that I do not love him. I will never marry any man whom I
have not a right affection for."
"You did love him once, Eleanor."
"Never! not the least; not one bit of real--Mamma, I _liked_ him, and I
do that now; and then I did not know any better; but I will never, for
I ought never, to marry any man upon mere liking."
"How come you to know any better now?"
Eleanor's blush was beautiful again for a minute; then it faded. She
did not immediately speak.
"Is Mr. Carlisle right after all, and has he a rival?"
"Mamma, you must say what you please. Surely it does not follow that a
woman must love all the world because she does not love one."
"And you may say what you please; I know you like Mr. Carlisle quite
well enough, for you as good as told me so. This is only girl's talk;
but you have got to come to the point, Eleanor. I shall not suffer you
to make a fool of him in my house; not to speak of making a fool of
yourself and me, and ruining--forever ruining--all your prospects. You
can't do it, Eleanor. You have said yea, and you can't draw back. Put
on your green gown and go to Hampton Court, and come back with the day
fixed--for that I know is what Mr. Carlisle wants."
"I cannot go, mamma."
"Eleanor, you would not forfeit your word?"
"I have not given it."
"Do not contradict me! You have given it all these months. Everybody
has understood it so. Your father looks upon Mr. Carlisle as his son
already. You would be everlastingly disgraced if you play false."
"I will play true, mamma. I will not say I give my heart where I do not
give it."
"Give your hand then. All one," said Mrs. Powle laughing. "Come! I
order you to obey me, Eleanor!"
"I must not, mamma. I will not go to Hampton Court with Mr. Carlisle."
"What is the reason?"
"I have told you."
"Do you mean, absolutely, that you will not fulfil your engagement, nor
obey me, nor save us all from dishonour, nor make your friend happy?"
Eleanor grew paler than she had been, but answered, "I mean not to
marry Mr. Carlisle, mamma."
"I understand it then," said Mrs. Powle rising. "It is not your heart
but your head. It is your religious fanaticism I will put that out of
the way!"
And without another word she departed.
Eleanor was much at a loss what would be the next move. Nevertheless
she was greatly surprised when it came. The atmosphere of the house was
heavy that day; they did not see Mr. Carlisle in the evening. The next
day, when Eleanor went to her father's room after dinner she found, not
Mr. Carlisle, but her mother with him. "Waiting for me"--thought
Eleanor. The air of Mrs. Powle said so. The squire was gathered up into
a kind of hard knot, hanging his head over his knees. When he spoke,
and was answered by his daughter, the contrast of the two voices was
striking, and in character; one gruff, the other sweet but steady.
"What's all this, Eleanor? what's all this?" he said abruptly.
"What, papa?"
"Have you refused Mr. Carlisle?"
"Long ago, sir."
"Yes, that's all past; and now this winter you have been accepting him
again; are you going to throw him over now?"
"Papa--"
"Only one thing!" roared the Squire,--"are you going to say no to him?
tell me that."
"I must, papa."
"I command you to say yes to him! What do you say now?"
"I must say the same, sir. If you command me, I must disobey you."
"You will disobey me, hey?"
"I must, papa."
"Why won't you marry him? what's the reason?" said the Squire, looking
angry and perplexed at her, but very glum.
"Papa--"
"I have seen you here myself, all winter, in this very room; you have
as good as said to him every day that you would be his wife, and he has
as good as said to you that he expected it. Has he not, now?"
"Yes, sir,--but--"
"Now why won't you have him, hey?"
"Papa, I do not like him well enough to marry him. That is reason
enough."
"Why did you tell him all the winter that you _did?_"
"Sir, Mr. Carlisle knows I did not. He has never been deceived."
"Why don't you like him well enough, then? that's the question; what
fool's nonsense! Eleanor, I am going to have you at the Priory and
mistress of it before the world is three months older. Tell me that you
will be a good girl, and do as I say."
"I cannot, papa. That is all past. I shall never be at the Priory."
"What's the reason?" roared her father.
"I have told you, sir."
"It's a lie! You do like him. I have seen it. It's some fool's
nonsense."
"Let me ask one question," said Mrs. Powle, looking up and down from
her work. "If it had not been for your religious notions, Eleanor,
would you not have married Mr. Carlisle more than a year ago? before
you went to Wales?"
"I suppose I should, mamma."
"And if you had no religious notions, would you have any difficulty
about marrying him now? You will speak the truth, I know."
"Mamma--"
"Speak!" the Squire burst out violently--"speak! truth or falsehood,
whichever you like. Speak out, and don't go round about. Answer your
mother's question."
"Will you please to repeat it, mamma?" Eleanor said, a little
faintheartedly.
"If you had never been in a Methodist Chapel, or had anything to do
with Methodists,--would you have any difficulty now about being the
wife of Mr. Carlisle, and lady of Rythdale?"
Eleanor's colour rose gradually and grew deep before she ceased
speaking.
"If I had never had anything to do with Methodists, mamma, I should be
so very different from what I am now, that perhaps, it would be as you
say."
"That's enough!" said the Squire, in a great state of rage and
determination. "Now, Eleanor Powle, take notice. I am as good as the
Methodists any day, and as well worth your minding. You'll mind me, or
I'll have nothing to do with you. Do you go to their chapels?"
"Sometimes."
"You don't go any more! St. George and the Dragon fly away with all the
Methodist Chapels that ever were built! they shall hold no daughter of
mine. And hark ye,--you shall give up this foolery altogether and tell
me you will marry Mr. Carlisle, or I won't have you in my family. You
may go where you like, but you shall not stay with me as long as I
live. I give you a month to think of it, Eleanor;--a month? what's
to-day?--the tenth? Then I give you till the first of next month. You
can think of it and make up your mind to give yourself to Mr. Carlisle
by that time; or you shall be no daughter of mine. St. George and the
Dragon! I have said it, and you will find I mean it. Now go away."
Eleanor went, wondering whether her ears had served her right; so
unnaturally strange seemed this turn of affairs. She had had no time to
think of it yet, when passing the drawing-room door a certain impulse
prompted her to go in. Mr. Carlisle was there, as something had told
her he might be. Eleanor came in, looking white, and advanced towards
him with a free steady step eyeing him fully. She was in a mood to meet
anything.
"Mr. Carlisle," she said, "you are the cause of all the trouble that
has come upon me."
He did not ask her what trouble. He only gently and gravely disclaimed
the truth of her assertion.
"Mr. Carlisle," said Eleanor facing him, "do you want the hand without
the heart?" There was brave beauty in her face and air.
"Yes!" he said. "You do not know yourself, Eleanor--you do not see
yourself at this moment--or you would know better how impossible it is
to give other than one answer to such a question."
His look had faced hers as frankly; there was no evil expression in it.
Eleanor's head and her gaze sank a little. She hesitated, and then
turned away. But Mr. Carlisle with a quick motion intercepted her.
"Eleanor, have you nothing kind to say to me?" he asked, taking her
hand. And he said it well.
"Not just now," said Eleanor slowly; "but I will try not to think
unkindly of you, Mr. Carlisle."
Perhaps he understood that differently from her meaning; perhaps he
chose to misinterpret it; at all events he stooped forward and kissed
her. It brought a flash of colour into Eleanor's face, and she went up
stairs much more angry with her suitor than her last words had spoke
her. The angry mood faded fast when she reached her own room and could
be alone and be still. She sat down and thought how, while he stood
there and held her hand, there had been a swift presentation to her
mind, swift and clear, of all she would be giving up when she turned
away from him. In one instant the whole view had come; the rank, the
ease, the worldly luxury, the affection; and the question came too,
waywardly, as impertinent questions will come, whether she was after
all giving it up for sufficient cause? She was relinquishing if she
quitted him, all that the world values. Not quite that, perhaps; if
turned out from her father's family even, she was in no danger of
wanting food or shelter or protection; for she would be sure of those
and more in Mrs. Caxton's house. But looking forward into the course of
future years that might lie before her, the one alternative offered for
her choice presented all that is pleasant in worldly estimation; and on
the other side there was a lonely life, and duty, and the affection of
one old woman. But though the two views came with startling clearness
before Eleanor just at this moment, the more attractive one brought no
shadow of temptation with it. She saw it, that was all, and turned away
from it to consider present circumstances.
Would her father keep to his word? It seemed impossible; yet coolly
reflecting, Eleanor thought from what she knew of him that he would; so
far at least as to send her into immediate banishment. That such
banishment would be more than temporary she did not believe. Mr.
Carlisle would get over his disappointment, would marry somebody else;
and in course of time her mother and father, the latter of whom
certainly loved her, would find out that they wanted her at home again.
But how long first? That no one could tell, nor what might happen in
the interval; and when she had got so far in her thoughts, Eleanor's
tears began to flow. She let them flow; it relieved her; and somehow
there was a good fountain head of them. And again those two pictures of
future life rose up before her; not as matters of choice, to take one
and leave the other--but as matters of contrast, in somewhat that
entered the spring of tears and made them bitter. Was something gone
from her life, that could never be got back again? had she lost
something that could never be found again? Was there a "bloom and
fragrance" waving before her on the one hand, though unattainable,
which the other path of life with all its beauty did not offer? To
judge by Eleanor's tears she had some such thoughts. But after a time
the tears cleared away, and her bowed face looked up as fair as a blue
sky after a storm. And Eleanor never had another time of weeping during
the month.
It was a dull month to other people. It would have been a dreary one to
her, only that there is a private sunshine in some hearts that defies
cloudy weather. There is an anchor of the soul, sure and steadfast, by
which one rides contentedly in rough water; there is a hope of glory,
in the presence of which no darkness can abide; and there is a word
with which Eleanor dried her tears that day and upon which she steadied
her heart all the days after. It was written by one who knew trouble.
"The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him."
It is hard to take that portion away from a man, or to make him poor
while he has it.
Eleanor had little else the remaining twenty-one days of that month.
What troubled her much, she could by no means see Julia; and she found
that her sister had been sent home, to the Lodge at Wiglands, under
charge of a governess; Mrs. Powle averring that it was time she should
be in the country. London was not good for Julia. Was it good for any
of them, Eleanor thought? But parliament was still sitting; Mr.
Carlisle was in attendance; it was manifest they must be so too.
Everything went on much as usual. Eleanor attended her father after his
early dinner, for Mr. Powle would not come into London hours; and Mr.
Carlisle as usual shared her office with her, except when he was
obliged to be in the House. When he was, Mrs. Powle now took his place.
The Squire was surly and gloomy; only brought out of those moods by Mr.
Carlisle himself. That gentleman held his ground, with excellent grace
and self-control, and made Eleanor more than ever feel his power. But
she kept her ground too; not without an effort and a good deal of that
old arm of defence which is called "all-prayer;" yet she kept it; was
gentle and humble and kind to them all, to Mr. Carlisle himself, while
he was sensible her grave gentleness had no yielding in it. How he
admired her, those days! how he loved her; with a little fierce desire
of triumph mingling, it must be confessed, with his love and
admiration, and heightened by them; for now pride was touched, and some
other feeling which he did not analyse. He had nobody to be jealous of,
that he knew; unless it were Eleanor herself; yet her indifference
piqued him. He could not brook to be baffled. He shewed not a symptom
of all this; but every line of her fine figure, every fold of her rich,
beautiful hair, every self-possessed movement, at times was torment to
him. Her very dress was a subject of irritation. It was so plain, so
evidently unworldly in its simplicity, that unreasonably enough, for
Eleanor looked well in it, it put Mr. Carlisle in a fume every day. She
should not dress so when he had control of her; and to get the control
seemed not easy; and the dress kept reminding him that he had it not.
On the whole probably all parties were glad when the sweet month of May
for that season came to an end. Even Eleanor was glad; for though she
had made up her mind what June would bring her, it is easier to grasp a
fear in one's hand, like a nettle, than to touch it constantly by
anticipation. So the first of June came.