“I saw Jeanneton
And her pretty little foot
I even saw her----”
“Ah! there’s someone at last. I say, my friend!”
The traveller’s words were addressed to Jacques, who raised his eyes and
recognized his faithful comrade; he ran toward him, exclaiming:
“Ah! it is you, is it, my dear Sans-Souci?”
“Why, it’s comrade Jacques! Pardieu! I couldn’t have better luck; wait
till I lie down beside you in the shade of your walnut; I would rather
be in the shade of a cask of burgundy; but however, one must accommodate
oneself to everything.”
“Still the same, Sans-Souci! still cheerful, and fond of good living!”
“Oh! as for that, I shan’t change; cheerfulness is the wealth of poor
devils like us. You know that I used to sing when we were going into
battle! They--let me see--what do they call that?”
“Disbanded.”
“Yes, that’s it,--they disbanded us; and instead of being soldiers, here
we are civilians again! Well, we must make the best of it; besides, we
have always behaved well, and if there is any need to defend the country
again some day, why then, forward march!”
“Yes, but how are we to live meanwhile?”
“Like other people, by working.”
“My poor Sans-Souci! there are some people that live on the fat of the
land without ever turning their hand; and others, with the best will in
the world to work, can’t find any way to earn their living.”
“Bah! you always look at the dark side. Didn’t your journey turn out
well? You came into this region for some purpose.”
“Oh! I found more than I expected.”
“And you are not satisfied?”
“I have no reason to be. I just saw my brother, and he received me like
a beggar.”
“Your brother is a wild Indian, whom I would beat with the flat of my
sword if I still had one.”
“My dress, my face, and my long moustaches--he didn’t like any of them.”
“That’s a great pity! Didn’t he see that token of your valor?”
“No, it was out of sight, and I am very glad of it; my brother isn’t
capable of appreciating what I have here, and I propose to make him
blush for his treatment of me some day.”
“So your brother is a rich man?”
“Yes, yes.”
“A swell?”
“Yes.”
“So you have a family, have you?”
“To be sure.”
“Ah! that’s something I haven’t got. I never knew father or mother. I am
a natural child; and it doesn’t prevent me from going my way with my
head up, because my ancestors’ brats don’t look at me; and besides that,
in the days of our first parents, there wasn’t any notaries, and that
doesn’t prevent the descendants of Cain from being very well thought of
in the world. In fact our sergeant, who could talk very well when he
wasn’t tight, told me that love children made their way better than
other children; and on that subject quoted a long list of names that I
won’t undertake to repeat, because I’ve forgotten them.--But let’s
return to your business. You never mentioned your family or your
adventures to me; we knew each other in the regiment, and we made
several campaigns together; we both had the jaundice in Spain, and
frozen feet in Russia; and I say that such things are very good at
cementing friendship; you won the cross and I didn’t--that’s the only
difference between us; but you well earned it; you saved the colonel’s
life. But, the excellent man! that didn’t prevent his being killed the
next day; it was unlucky that you couldn’t always be on hand.--Well,
after a great many things had happened, they disbanded us! That’s a
pity, for perhaps we might have become marshals of France. In order to
comfort each other, we stayed together, except that you came alone to
this village, while I went to a place nearby to look after a little
brunette, whom I courted long ago and who swore a bullet-proof fidelity
to me!”
“Well, did you find your brunette?”
“Pardieu, yes! Oh! I tell you that there’s some analogy between our
destinies: while your brother was receiving you so cordially, my
sweetheart came to me with three children she had had during my absence,
and another half way along. You can imagine that there was nothing to
say to that. My first impulse was to give her a good thrashing, but I
reflected that the poor child might well have thought me dead and that
calmed me down. I kissed my faithless one, and while her children were
splashing in the mud with the ducks, and her husband cutting wood, we
made peace; in fact, we did better than that, for I mean to have
something to do with the fourth, which she began while waiting for me;
so we parted good friends and I came off!”
“Poor Sans-Souci! Women are no better than men, but men are simply less
skilful at concealing their falseness! I have learned to know the world,
I tell you, and I ought to have guessed what sort of welcome my brother
would have given me. But one always hopes, and that is where one makes a
mistake.”
“Come, tell me your adventures; we are in the open air, no one can hear
us, and no one will disturb us; and while I listen to you, I will rest
and smoke a cigar.”
“Well! all right; I will tell you what has happened to me since I was
fifteen years old, for that was the time that I began my cruising.”
Jacques unbuttoned his coat, leaned back against the tree and made ready
to relate his adventures to his comrade; while he, having taken a flint
and steel from his pocket and lighted a cigar, gravely placed it in his
mouth, in order to listen to his companion’s narrative with twofold
enjoyment.
IX
BROTHER JACQUES’S ADVENTURES
I left my father’s house at fifteen. My mother did not seem to care much
for me, and she never mentioned my name except with repugnance. But I
remember a stout old fellow with a pleasant face, who used to come to
our house sometimes and who always called me Jacques with all the
strength of his lungs. I believe indeed, that that old fellow was my
godfather and that his name too was Jacques. This much is certain, that
he seemed to be very fond of me and that whenever he came to see me he
gave me toys or bonbons. But in spite of my godfather’s kindness, my
father’s caresses and my love for my brother, I was horribly bored at
home. I could not keep still a minute. I had no taste for study, and as
I thought of nothing but travelling round the world and fighting, I did
not see the necessity of learning Latin and mathematics. Ah! my dear
Sans-Souci, I have paid already for those errors of my youth, and I have
learned at my own expense that education is always of great service, no
matter in what situation we may find ourselves. If I had had some
education I should not have remained a simple private; and even if my
good conduct had raised me to the rank of captain, it is always
disagreeable when one goes into the society of one’s superiors never to
be able to open one’s mouth without the fear of making some horrible
slip, and of setting other people laughing at you. But let us return to
our subject: I started off one fine morning without trumpet or drum, or
without thinking in which direction I should go. I had one louis in my
pocket, which I had received a few days before from my godfather, and I
imagined that such a sum would never be exhausted.
After walking for a very long time, I stopped in a village in front of a
wine shop. I went in and ordered dinner, with the assurance of a
government messenger. I was well treated; I had an open, honest face,
and I jingled my money as I hopped about the kitchen and uncovered all
the dishes in order to select what I wanted. The host watched me
laughingly and let me do as I chose. He served a good dinner and gave me
white wine and red wine. A little hunchback, who was dining at a table
near me, examined me closely. He tried to enter into conversation with
me and find out where I came from and where I was going; but as I have
never liked inquisitive people and as the little hunchback’s remarks
displeased me, I looked at him without answering, or whistled and sang
while he was talking.
When I was well filled, I asked the host how much he wanted; the rascal
asked me fifteen francs for my dinner. I made a wry face; but I paid the
bill and left the inn, reflecting that my louis, which was to last
forever, would not suffice to pay for a second meal, if I chose to
continue to play the nobleman.
The place where I had dined and which I had taken for a village was
Saint-Germain; I asked the way to the forest and resumed my journey,
stopping only to jump ditches, and to belabor donkeys that I happened to
pass.
As I was entering Poissy, I heard a horse trotting behind me; I stopped
and recognized my hunchback, who was riding a raw-boned little horse,
which he was obliged to strike constantly with the spur and the whip;
else the animal would have stopped every few steps. He ceased to crack
his whip when he was beside me, and contented himself with a walk, in
order to remain at my side. He tried to enter into conversation, and as
I was beginning to be tired then, and the croup of a horse, however thin
the beast might be, seemed to me a very agreeable seat, I displayed less
pride, and talked with the hunchback.
“Where are you going at this rate, my dear boy?” he asked me.
“Why, I don’t exactly know. I mean to travel, to see the country and
enjoy myself.”
“Have you no parents?”
“Oh, yes! But they are in Paris and want me to pass my time in reading
and writing; I got tired of that and I came away.”
“I understand; a piece of folly! a youthful escapade! Oh! I know what it
is. That’s about all one sees now.--But have you much money for your
travels?”
“I have nine francs.”
“Nine francs! Hum! you’ll have to eat wild cow.”[A]
[A] _Manger de la vache enragée: i.e._, to endure hunger and privation.
“What do you mean with your cow? I ate chicken and eels and pigeons and
ducks.”
“Yes, but you spent fifteen francs, and with the nine you’ve left, you
can’t eat three more meals like that.”
I made no reply, but I realized that the hunchback was right; and yet,
as I had a will of my own, and as I was accustomed to make up my mind
quickly, I looked at the little man with a decided air, and said to him
after a moment:
“All right! I will eat cow.”
“I see that you have pluck,” he said; “but still, when a man can find a
chance to live well while travelling, it isn’t to be despised; and I
can supply you with the means.”
“You can?”
“Yes, myself.”
“How so?”
“I will tell you. But so that you can listen to me at your ease and not
get more tired, wouldn’t you like to get up here behind me?”
“Oh! I ask nothing better.”
Delighted by my new travelling companion’s proposition, I jumped
recklessly on the poor horse’s back; I slipped, grasped the little man’s
hump, fell, and dragged him with me, and we both rolled in the road; but
luckily his placid steed did not stir.
My new acquaintance rose good-humoredly enough, and simply advised me to
be less eager in the future, because we might not always fall so softly.
I promised. My hunchback put his foot in the stirrup. I too mounted, but
with more precaution; and when we were firmly seated on our saddle and
he had, by dint of blows, induced his nag to walk on, he resumed his
discourse, which I had interrupted so abruptly.
“My dear boy, everyone in this world tries to make money and earn a
fortune, that is, unless he is born rich; and still, we see millionaires
thinking of nothing but speculation, capitalists engaged in large
undertakings in order to double their wealth; and nobles seeking
alliances which may add to the splendor of their family. I, who am
neither a noble nor a capitalist nor even a merchant, and have no hope
of becoming any one of them, I tried for a long time to think of some
means by which I could, if not make a fortune, at least live at my ease.
I soon found that means. With intelligence one soon learns to know men.
I travelled; I studied men’s tastes and characters. I saw that, with a
little address, poor mortals are easily deceived; all that is necessary
is to take them on their weak side, which one can easily divine when one
has tact and penetration, as I have.”
“Ah! so you have tact and penetration?” I said to my companion, as I
buried in the flanks of our steed some pins which I had discovered on
the portmanteau that was between us.
“Yes, my dear boy, I flatter myself that I have.”
“Then, why is your horse going so fast now?”
“Because I keep my whip snapping, and he knows that he is soon going to
have his supper.”
“That is true; I see that you have tact.--Well, go on, I am listening.”
“So then, it was by flattering men’s passions that I found a way to live
at my ease; moreover, I instructed myself in botany, medicine,
chemistry, and even in anatomy too; and with my knowledge I have not
only composed remedies for all diseases but also philters to arouse
love, hatred, jealousy, and to make well people sick; it is in this last
art that I am particularly proficient.”
“Ah! I understand now. No doubt you sell vulneraries too, like that
tall, red man that I used to see in Paris on the squares and
street-corners. People called him a charlatan, I believe.”
At the name charlatan, my companion leaped in the saddle in such a way
that he nearly threw us both off; luckily I clung firmly to him, and we
got off with merely a fright.
“My dear boy,” he said when he had become a little calmer, “I forgive
you the name of charlatan. You don’t know me yet; indeed I admit that
there is a little charlatanism in my business, and that three-quarters
of my remedies and my philters do not produce the effect that is
expected of them; but we make mistakes in medicine as we do in
everything else. We take cathartics and make ourselves sick; we have a
toothache, and we take an elixir which spoils all our teeth; we try to
obtain a position which we are not able to fill; we go into maritime
speculations which a sudden storm destroys; we think that we have
intelligence when we have not the intelligence to succeed, which is the
most important of all; we determine to be prudent and we make fools of
ourselves; we desire happiness, and we marry and have a wife and
children who often cause us untold anxiety!--In short, my little man,
people have made mistakes in all lines, and it is great luck when things
turn out as we had anticipated, or hoped.”
“Look here, monsieur,” I said to my little hunchback, whose chatter was
beginning to weary me, “what do you expect to do with me, after all is
said and done?”
“This: when I stop in a village or small town, I cannot make myself
sufficiently well known alone; I need an assistant, to go about the town
to deliver prospectuses, and to answer for me when I am busy, and make a
memorandum of the questions that people want to ask me.”
“But I don’t choose to be your assistant, as I don’t want to learn
anything.”
“I understand that very well, my friend. Oh! I don’t propose to drive
you crazy with fatiguing work. I will have you make pills, that’s all.”
“Pills?”
“Yes, pills of all sizes and of all colors. Never fear, it won’t be
hard; but that isn’t all.”
“What else shall I do?”
“You must be able to sleep when you choose, and to play the sleep-walker
when you please.”
“Oh! as to sleeping, I can do that all right!”
“When you are asleep, you must answer the questions that are asked you.”
“How do you expect me to answer questions when I am asleep?”
“Why, you will pretend to be asleep, my boy; I will explain all that to
you. Oh! that is one of the principal branches of my business.”
“When you put people to sleep?”
“No, but when I make sleep-walkers talk, and when I make them give
remedies to sick people.”
“One moment; I am willing to sleep, but I am not willing to give
remedies or take them.--Indeed, I have been whipped at home for
refusing.”
“Oh! you don’t understand; when I say remedies, I mean medicines to
take----”
“Yes, with a syringe; I know all about that!”
“I tell you that you don’t know what I am talking about. You will talk
while pretending to be asleep; I will teach you your lesson beforehand,
and you will answer the questions asked by invalids or curiosity
seekers.”
“Well, I don’t understand at all.”
“Pardieu! I can believe that; nor do those people who question the
somnambulists; and that is just wherein the charm of it lies; if they
knew what to think about it, it would no longer be possible to earn
one’s living with magnetism and somnambulism. But will you be my
assistant and help me with my business, or not? I will feed you well, I
will dress you suitably, and you will see the country, for I never stay
long in the same place.”
“And all I shall have to do for that is to make pills and sleep?”
“Not another thing!”
“Then, it’s agreed, I will go with you.”
So I became the little hunchback’s assistant. We reached a village that
night. My patron went to the best inn, and ordered a very good supper.
It seemed to me very pleasant to travel on horseback, without having to
worry about my meals. Moreover, I was always at liberty to leave my
companion when I chose, and that reason was enough to make me enjoy
myself with him; the certainty of being free gives a charm to existence
and makes the most trivial incidents enjoyable; bondage, on the
contrary, throws a tinge of gloom over all our actions; it causes us to
shun pleasure; it takes away all the joy of love, it deprives the heart
of all its strength and the imagination of all its vivacity.
This that I am saying, Sans-Souci, is not my own; it is a sentence which
my godfather repeated to me often, and which I remembered easily because
it harmonized with my taste.
When I awoke the next morning, my hunchback, whose name was
Graograicus--a name which he had probably manufactured for himself, and
which no one could pronounce without making a wry face, which made it
altogether impressive--my little hunchback, as I said, suggested giving
me a lesson in somnambulism, which we were to practise in the first
place of any importance in which we might stop. I accepted his
proposition. He made me sit down, told me to stare at vacancy as if I
were looking at nothing, and taught me to sleep with my eyes open; but,
as that tired my eyes, he allowed me to close them when we only had
peasants or poor devils to cure.
Then came the matter of philters; my companion was out of them, and it
was necessary to prepare more. While I was cleaning a dozen or more
four-ounce phials, which were to contain the charms, Master Graograicus
went out to purchase plants, roots, and such other ingredients as he
needed in the manufacture of the philters. He lighted a fire, and
borrowed from our host all the bowls that he had; and our bedroom, where
everything was turned topsy-turvy, began, in my companion’s language, to
be a workshop of chemistry and magic.
“Look here,” I said to my hunchback, while he was pulverizing burdock,
and I was rolling cinnamon, “what are you going to use these things for
that you are making? I am willing to be your assistant, but only on
condition that you teach me your mysteries.”
“You shall know, my boy; we must not have any secrets from each other. I
am now making a philter to arouse love; it is not very difficult to
make, for all I need is tonics, alcohol and stimulants. I boil cinnamon,
cloves, vanilla, pepper, sugar and brandy together. When a person has
swallowed that mixture, that person becomes very amorous; and as soon as
he or she who has administered my philter is with the object of his or
her love, he finds that the charm operates and has no doubt that I am a
magician. Furthermore, this little drug has the property of ruining the
teeth; teeth are not ruined without pain, and as the toothache is
commonly called love-sickness, as soon as it is known that the person
who takes the philter has pains in his teeth, it is presumed that he has
fallen in love. I sell a great deal of this philter, especially to
ladies; we will lay in a good stock of it.
“Let us go on to the next one, which arouses jealousy. Ah! I confess
that it cost me long study and profound reflection, but I believe that I
have solved the problem successfully. In the first place, what gives
rise to jealousy? The suspicions which one conceives concerning the
fidelity of the object of one’s love. Now, these suspicions have a
cause, for there is no effect without a cause; to be sure, a person is
sometimes jealous without cause, but much more frequently with a cause;
so I said to myself:
“‘By making one lover unfaithful, I shall necessarily make the other one
jealous; but how am I to make unfaithful the one who does not take my
drugs?’--Ah! that, my little man, was where a stroke of genius was
required. That is something a fool would never have discovered, and
which I did discover, without the help of any treatises upon medicine. I
compounded this philter of corrosive sublimate and herbs that have an
effect upon the skin. This compound has the property of making the eyes
dull, the complexion leaden and the nose drawn; it brings out a humor,
and the skin is covered with pimples and pustules of all sizes,--while
it makes the breath fit to kill flies at ten yards. So you see that the
man or woman who frequents the person who has taken my philter readily
becomes unfaithful, while the one who has taken it becomes as jealous as
a demon; and the effect lasts through life; for, let him do what he
pleases, he can never again succeed in making himself attractive and in
inspiring love.--Well! what do you say to that? What deep thought, what
a thorough acquaintance with the passions and their effects! But see
what the world is: I sell much less of this philter than of the others;
indeed it rarely happens that the same person takes it twice.
“As for this last, for which I am pulverizing this burdock, it serves to
arouse anger, hatred, ill-humor, and it never fails to produce its
effect; it is a compound of manna, rhubarb, vinegar, turpentine, and
cacao, to which I add this burdock to form a syrup. This little charm,
at once emollient and astringent, produces the colic and sick headache;
now, when one has a pain in the head and the stomach at the same time,
he is certain not to be in a good humor; he easily loses his temper,
and feels a grudge against the whole world, especially when the pains
are constantly on the increase. It seems to me that that is rather
prettily reasoned out, and that nothing less than my tact and my
penetration would have sufficed to find the means of arousing so many
different passions.”
I listened to my companion with attention, and when he had finished, I
asked him if he expected to try his philters upon me; he said that he
had no such purpose, and that assurance restored my good humor, for I
would not have consented at any price to taste Master Graograicus’s
charms.
“It only remains for me now,” he said, “to teach you to make pills; that
is very easy; I make them with the soft part of bread, and roll them in
different powders to give them different colors.”
“And what are they used for?”
“To cure all diseases.”
“What! you cure diseases with bread?”
“I sometimes cure them, for many diseases exist in the imagination only,
and when the patient believes that he is taking an infallible remedy, he
is easily persuaded that it is doing him good, and it is that persuasion
that cures him, and not my pills. But at all events they can’t do any
harm and that is always something. I sell large quantities of them to
nurses and old women.”
X
A LESSON IN MAGNETISM
Thus I was made acquainted with all my companion’s secrets; he required
me to promise not to betray him, and I solemnly swore. But I did not
swear that I would not amuse myself at the expense of the idiots who
might consult him; and that was what I secretly determined to do; for,
although I was only fifteen years old, I was resolute, courageous,
stubborn and reasonably mischievous.
The village in which we passed the night seemed unlikely to afford my
hunchback an opportunity to put forth his talents and sell his drugs, so
we prepared to leave it. But my crafty companion succeeded none the less
in inducing our host’s wife to purchase secretly a box of pills to
prevent her hair from turning white and her teeth from turning black.
We set out on our travels once more, carrying our fortune tied to our
saddle. The weather was not propitious. We encountered a furious storm
and when we reached the small town which was destined to ring with the
fame of our talents, we were in such a pitiable condition that we were
more likely to be taken for wretched mountebanks than for learned
doctors.