"We fail oftentimes of the sight of Him, and anon we fall into our
self, and then find we no feeling of right,--nought but contrariness
that is in our self"
Two things belong to our soul as duty: the one is that we reverently
marvel, the other that we meekly suffer, ever enjoying in God. For He
would have us understand that we shall in short time see clearly in
Himself all that we desire.
And notwithstanding all this, I beheld and marvelled greatly: _What
is the mercy and forgiveness of God?_ For by the teaching that I had
afore, I understood that the mercy of God should be the forgiveness of
His wrath after the time that we have sinned. For methought that to a
soul whose meaning and desire is to love, the wrath of God was harder
than any other pain, and therefore I took[1] that the forgiveness of
His wrath should be one of the principal points of His mercy. But
howsoever I might behold and desire, I could in no wise see this point
in all the Shewing.[2]
But how I understood and saw of the work of mercy, I shall tell
somewhat, as God will give me grace. I understood this: Man is
changeable in this life, and by frailty and overcoming falleth into
sin: he is weak and unwise of himself, and also his will is overlaid.
And in this time he is in tempest and in sorrow and woe; and the cause
is blindness: for he seeth not God. For if he saw God continually,
he should have no mischievous feeling, nor any manner of motion or
yearning that serveth to sin.[3]
Thus saw I, and felt in the same time; and methought that the sight and
the feeling was high and plenteous and gracious in comparison with that
which our common feeling is in this life; but yet I thought it was but
small and low in comparison with the great desire that the soul hath to
see God.
For I felt in me five manner of workings, which be these: Enjoying,
mourning, desire, dread, and sure hope. Enjoying: for God gave me
understanding and knowing that it was Himself that I saw; mourning:
and that was for failing; desire: and that was I might see Him ever
more and more, understanding and knowing that we shall never have
full rest till we see Him verily and clearly in heaven; dread was:
for it seemed to me in all that time that that sight should fail, and
I be left to myself; sure hope was in the endless love: that I saw I
should be kept by His mercy and brought to His bliss. And the joying
in His sight with this sure hope of His merciful keeping made me to
have feeling and comfort so that mourning and dread were not greatly
painful. And yet in all this I beheld in the Shewing of God that this
manner of sight may not be continuant in this life,--and that for His
own worship and for increase of our endless joy. And therefore we fail
oftentimes of the sight of Him, and anon we fall into our self, and
then find we no feeling of right,--naught but contrariness that is in
our self; and that of the elder root of our first sin,[4] with all the
sins that follow, of our contrivance. And in this we are in travail and
tempest[5] with feeling of sins, and of pain in many divers manners,
spiritual and bodily, as it is known to us in this life.
[1] understood--took it.
[2] "But for nowte that I myte beholden and desyrin I could not se."
[3] "ne no manner steryng ne [or _ye_ = the] yernyng."
[4] _i.e._ contrariness, springing from the beginning of sin in the
first fall of man.
[5] "traveylid and tempested."