"Thus was I learned to choose Jesus for my Heaven, whom I saw only in
pain at that time"
In this [time] I would have looked up from the Cross, but I durst not.
For I wist well that while I beheld in the Cross I was surely-safe;
therefore I would not assent to put my soul in peril: for away from the
Cross was no sureness, for frighting of fiends.
Then had I a proffer in my reason,[1] as if it had been friendly said
to me: _Look up to Heaven to His Father_. And then saw I well, with
the faith that I felt, that there was nothing betwixt the Cross and
Heaven that might have harmed me. Either me behoved to look up or else
to answer. I answered inwardly with all the might of my soul, and said:
_Nay; I may not: for Thou art my Heaven._ This I said for that I would
not. For I would liever have been in that pain till Doomsday than to
come to Heaven otherwise than by Him. For I wist well that He that
bound me so sore, He should unbind me when that He would. Thus was I
learned to choose Jesus to my Heaven, whom I saw only in pain at that
time: meliked no other Heaven than Jesus, which shall be my bliss when
I come there.
And this hath ever been a comfort to me, that I chose Jesus to my
Heaven, by His grace, in all this time of Passion and sorrow; and that
hath been a learning to me that I should evermore do so: choose only
Jesus to my Heaven in weal and woe.
And though I as a wretched creature had repented me (I said afore if I
had wist what pain it would be, I had been loth to have prayed), here
saw I truly that it was reluctance and frailty of the flesh without
assent of the soul: to which God assigneth no blame. Repenting and
willing choice be two contraries which I felt both in one at that time.
And these be [of our] two parts: the one outward, the other inward. The
outward part is our deadly flesh-hood, which is now in pain and woe,
and shall be, in this life: whereof I felt much in this time; and that
part it was that repented. The inward part is an high, blissful life,
which is all in peace and in love: and this was more inwardly felt; and
this part is [that] in which mightily, wisely and with steadfast will I
chose Jesus to my Heaven.
And in this I saw verily that the inward part is master and sovereign
to the outward, and doth not charge itself with, nor take heed to, the
will of that: but all the intent and will is set to be oned unto our
Lord Jesus. That the outward part should draw the inward to assent
was not shewed to me; but that the inward draweth the outward by
grace, and both shall be oned in bliss without end, by the virtue of
Christ,--_this_ was shewed.
[1] see xxxv. and lv.