SHIPS IN SAIL
In due accord with the old butler's comment on his looks, Hilary had felt
so young that, instead of going home, he mounted an omnibus, and went
down to his club--the "Pen and Ink," so called because the man who
founded it could not think at the moment of any other words. This
literary person had left the club soon after its initiation, having
conceived for it a sudden dislike. It had indeed a certain reputation
for bad cooking, and all its members complained bitterly at times that
you never could go in without meeting someone you knew. It stood in Dover
Street. Unlike other clubs, it was mainly used to talk in, and had
special arrangements for the safety of umbrellas and such books as had
not yet vanished from the library; not, of course, owing to any
peculative tendency among its members, but because, after interchanging
their ideas, those members would depart, in a long row, each grasping
some material object in his hand. Its. maroon-coloured curtains, too,
were never drawn, because, in the heat of their discussions, the members
were always drawing them. On the whole, those members did not like each
other much; wondering a little, one by one, why the others wrote; and
when the printed reasons were detailed to them, reading them with
irritation. If really compelled to hazard an opinion about each other's
merits, they used to say that, no doubt "So-and-so" was "very good," but
they had never read him! For it had early been established as the
principle underlying membership not to read the writings of another man,
unless you could be certain he was dead, lest you might have to tell him
to his face that you disliked his work. For they were very jealous of
the purity of their literary consciences. Exception was made, however,
in the case of those who lived by written criticism, the opinions of such
persons being read by all, with a varying smile, and a certain cerebral
excitement. Now and then, however, some member, violating every sense of
decency, would take a violent liking for another member's books. This he
would express in words, to the discomfort of his fellows, who, with a
sudden chilly feeling in the stomach, would wonder why it was not their
books that he was praising.
Almost every year, and generally in March, certain aspirations would pass
into the club; members would ask each other why there was no Academy of
British Letters; why there was no concerted movement to limit the
production of other authors' books; why there was no prize given for the
best work of the year. For a little time it almost seemed as if their
individualism were in danger; but, the windows having been opened wider
than usual some morning, the aspirations would pass out, and all would
feel secretly as a man feels when he has swallowed the mosquito that has
been worrying him all night--relieved, but just a little bit
embarrassed. Socially sympathetic in their dealings with each
other--they were mostly quite nice fellows--each kept a little
fame-machine, on which he might be seen sitting every morning about the
time the papers and his correspondence came, wondering if his fame were
going up.
Hilary stayed in the club till half-past nine; then, avoiding a
discussion which was just setting in, he took his own umbrella, and bent
his steps towards home.
It was the moment of suspense in Piccadilly; the tide had flowed up to
the theatres, and had not yet begun to ebb. The tranquil trees, still
feathery, draped their branches along the farther bank of that broad
river, resting from their watch over the tragi-comedies played on its
surface by men, their small companions. The gentle sighs which distilled
from their plume-like boughs seemed utterances of the softest wisdom.
Not far beyond their trunks it was all dark velvet, into which separate
shapes, adventuring, were lost, as wild birds vanishing in space, or the
souls of men received into their Mother's heart.
Hilary walked, hearing no sighs of wisdom, noting no smooth darkness,
wrapped in thought. The mere fact of having given pleasure was enough to
produce a warm sensation in a man so naturally kind. But, as with all
self-conscious, self-distrustful, natures, that sensation had not lasted.
He was left with a feeling of emptiness and disillusionment, as of
having given himself a good mark without reason.
While walking, he was a target for the eyes of many women, who passed him
rapidly, like ships in sail. The special fastidious shyness of his face
attracted those accustomed to another kind of face. And though he did
not precisely look at them, they in turn inspired in him the
compassionate, morbid curiosity which persons who live desperate lives
necessarily inspire in the leisured, speculative mind. One of them
deliberately approached him from a side-street. Though taller and fuller,
with heightened colour, frizzy hair, and a hat with feathers; she was the
image of the little model--the same shape of face, broad cheek-bones,
mouth a little open; the same flower-coloured eyes and short black
lashes, all coarsened and accentuated as Art coarsens and accentuates the
lines of life. Looking boldly into Hilary's startled face, she laughed.
Hilary winced and walked on quickly.
He reached home at half-past ten. The lamp was burning in Mr. Stone's
room, and his window was, as usual, open; that which was not usual,
however, was a light in Hilary's own bedroom. He went gently up.
Through the door-ajar-he saw, to his surprise, the figure of his wife.
She was reclining in a chair, her elbows on its arms, the tips of her
fingers pressed together. Her face, with its dark hair, vivid colouring,
and sharp lines, was touched with shadows, her head turned as though
towards somebody beside her; her neck gleamed white. So--motionless,
dimly seen--she was like a woman sitting alongside her own life,
scrutinising, criticising, watching it live, taking no part in it.
Hilary wondered whether to go in or slip away from his strange visitor.
"Ah! it's you," she said.
Hilary approached her. For all her mocking of her own charms, this wife
of his was strangely graceful. After nineteen years in which to learn
every line of her face and body, every secret of her nature, she still
eluded him; that elusiveness, which had begun by being such a charm, had
got on his nerves, and extinguished the flame it had once lighted. He
had so often tried to see, and never seen, the essence of her soul. Why
was she made like this? Why was she for ever mocking herself, himself,
and every other thing? Why was she so hard to her own life, so bitter a
foe to her own happiness? Leonardo da Vinci might have painted her, less
sensual and cruel than his women, more restless and disharmonic, but
physically, spiritually enticing, and, by her refusals to surrender
either to her spirit or her senses, baffling her own enticements.
"I don't know why I came," she said.
Hilary found no better answer than: "I am sorry I was out to dinner."
"Has the wind gone round? My room is cold."
"Yes, north-east. Stay here."
Her hand touched his; that warm and restless clasp was agitating.
"It's good of you to ask me; but we'd better not begin what we can't keep
up."
"Stay here," said Hilary again, kneeling down beside her chair.
And suddenly he began to kiss her face and neck. He felt her answering
kisses; for a moment they were clasped together in a fierce embrace.
Then, as though by mutual consent, their arms relaxed; their eyes grew
furtive, like the eyes of children who have egged each other on to steal;
and on their lips appeared the faintest of faint smiles. It was as
though those lips were saying: "Yes, but we are not quite animals!"
Hilary got up and sat down on his bed. Blanca stayed in the chair,
looking straight before her, utterly inert, her head thrown back, her
white throat gleaming, on her lips and in her eyes that flickering smile.
Not a word more, nor a look, passed between them.
Then rising, without noise, she passed behind him and went out.
Hilary had a feeling in his mouth as though he had been chewing ashes.
And a phrase--as phrases sometimes fill the spirit of a man without rhyme
or reason--kept forming on his lips: "The house of harmony!"
Presently he went to her door, and stood there listening. He could hear
no sound whatever. If she had been crying if she had been laughing--it
would have been better than this silence. He put his hands up to his
ears and ran down-stairs.