Oh, ALPHONSE! Gallantry befits your race!
DAUDET! DAUDET!
Can you look hereafter in an Englishwoman's face,
DAUDET? DAUDET-say?
You must have snoozed all night,
You must have blinked all day;
Have been blind--_pro tempore_--to Beauty's light,
DAUDET! DAUDET-say!
Is every Englishwoman then a Grundy or a Gamp,
DAUDET? DAUDET?
Did you play Diogenes--without his lamp--
DAUDET? DAUDET-say?
Have you joined the pessimist churls
Who of nothing good can say,
That you slight our women and insult our girls,
DAUDET? DAUDET-say?
Oh, Dan seems empty and Beersheba bare,
DAUDET! DAUDET!
And there's nothing tasteful, and there's no one fair,
DAUDET! DAUDET-say!
To the saffron skin of France
English rose-tints must give way?
At our British Beauties _did_ you get a glance,
DAUDET? DAUDET-say?
You laud male Britons, whilst you pour dispraise--
DAUDET! DAUDET!--
On our girls and matrons! 'Tis a travellers' craze,
DAUDET! DAUDET-say!
The Frank abroad--is frank,--
From the _belles_ of France away,
He is doubtless home-sick, but he need not turn "crank."
DAUDET! DAUDET-say!
The less said the better? Well, _that's_ true, no doubt,
DAUDET! DAUDET!
But the little that you _have_ said is all sneer and flout,
DAUDET! DAUDET-say!
The maids of France are fair!--
Are the men _fair_ too? Ah! nay.
Not if _you_'re a specimen, my debonair
DAUDET! DAUDET-say!
Neither taste nor beauty? Oh! you _must_ have been bad,
DAUDET! DAUDET!
The _mal de mer_ all the time you must have had,
DAUDET! DAUDET-say!
The jaundice worked its will
Upon you all the way!
Try again--after swallowing a big blue pill--
DAUDET! DAUDET-say!
* * * * *
Sands and Sea.
(_By a Harrow Boy who was "ploughed" at Exam._)
"Ploughing the sands" has been shown, in a letter to the _Times_, to be,
in some cases, a productive operation. If the sands are well ploughed,
and well sown, then may a fine crop be expected. When "Ploughing the
sands" is no longer remunerative, then let all hands be summoned aboard,
and the Government vessel in search of General Election Island may
"Plough the sea," and come safely into port. What is successful
"ploughing" to them will be "harrowing" to the Opposition.
* * * * *
"O SUCH A DAY WAS NEVER SEEN!"--Mr. Justice DAY is always a bright,
never a dull DAY. His judicial utterances are like the sea around the
Isle of Man, clear and profound. Rarely does he miss a good point; yet
so it was the other day when, in a trial of "_Legge_ v." a heap of
people (not involving any question of "Legge bail"), Mr. Justice DAY
observed, "I find now very high rank held by doctors in the Army. There
are Captain-surgeons, Colonel-surgeons, and I am not sure there are not
Generals. (_Laughter._)" "Not sure," Mr. Justice! Why 'tis as clear as
Day! There is another and a higher grade, viz., "General-Practitioner."
* * * * *
[Illustration: HARCOURT THE HEADSMAN.]
* * * * *
[Illustration: 'HOPE YOU BACKED THE WINNER?'
"MY DEAR FELLOW, ONLY TOO DELIGHTED. BUT YOU NEVER _TOLD_ ME!"]
* * * * *
A REALLY BIG PURCHASE BY A PRIVATE INDIVIDUAL, AT A VERY MODERATE
FIGURE.--For 260 guineas Mr. W. AGNEW purchased "_Lambeth Palace--in the
distance_." It is no "distance" to speak of, as twopence more will take
the purchaser by steam-boat from almost any landing-stage across the
river to Lambeth. It should perhaps be added, so as not to frighten the
Archbishop of CANTERBURY, that in the purchase were included "_Old
Westminster Bridge (a view of), with State Barges and Boats_." The whole
Thames-water-colour having been painted in oil by SCOTT. This lot, by
Great SCOTT, went as above-mentioned.
* * *