RIP’S _Cottage.—Door.—Window in flat.—A closet in flat, with dishes,
shelves, &c.—Clothes-basket, with clothes.—Table, chairs, arm-chair, with
cloak over it.—Broom on stage._
KNICKERBOCKER _enters cautiously._
KNICKERBOCKER.
Zooks! I’m venturing into a tiger’s den in quest of a lamb. All’s clear,
however; and, could I but pop on little Alice, how we would bill and
coo. She comes! lie still, my fluttering heart.
_Enter_ ALICE.(47)
ALICE.
[_Without observing_ KNICKERBOCKER.] There, there, go to sleep. Ah!
Knickerbocker, how I love you, [spite of all the strange ways that you
pursue.](48)
KNICKERBOCKER.
[_Aside._] Sensible, susceptible soul! [But merit ever meets its
recompense.](49)
ALICE.
No wonder I am fascinated; [his figure is so elegant, and then his
education! I never see him, but I am ready to jump into his loving arms.
[_Turning, she is caught in the embrace of_ KNICKERBOCKER.](50)
KNICKERBOCKER.
This is too much for human nature to support; [this declaration is a
banquet that gods might prize.(51)] Beauteous angel! hear me, whilst I
proclaim—
[_Kneeling._
DAME.
[_Without._] Go along, you drunken brute.
KNICKERBOCKER.
The devil! ’tis Dame Van Winkle! [what’s to become of me?
ALICE.
If you’re found here I’m ruined! you must conceal yourself—but where?
KNICKERBOCKER.
That’s the important question; oh,](52) I’ll hop into the cupboard.
ALICE.
Not for the world! she is sure to want something out of it. Here, here,
get into this clothes-basket, and let me cover you over with the foul
linen.
KNICKERBOCKER.
It’s a very foul piece of business altogether but I must stomach it
whether I will or no.
_Music.—She puts him into the basket and covers him with linen._
DAME _enters, dragging in_ RIP.
DAME.
And now, sir, I’ve got you home, what have you to say for yourself, I
should like to know?
RIP.
Nothing, [my](53) darling, de least said is soonest mended, and so you
shall have all de talk to yourself.—Now ain’t dat liberal?
DAME.
Where’s all the game you were to bring home?
RIP.
On de wing still: wouldn’t venture to come mitin fire; for though dey
missed mine gun, dere’s one ting for certain, I never miss your blowing
up.
DAME.
My blowing up! Odds bodikins and pins! I shall never be able to contain
myself! Where’s the money to pay the rent, you oaf?
RIP.
I don’t know.—Do you?
DAME.
You’ll go to prison, and that’ll be the end on’t.
RIP.
Come, no more quarrelling to-night. [We’ll](54) see about de rent money
to-morrow morning.
DAME.
To-morrow! it’s always to-morrow with you. So, Alice, you are sitting
and idling as usual, just like your brother, a precious pair of soft
pates.
RIP.
Soft [pate](55)—pretty hard I guess, or it would have been
[fructured](56) long since and dat’s a fact.
DAME.
And now, Alice, come with me that I may satisfy myself how you have
disposed of the children, for in these matters you are just such a
crawler as that vagrum there, [_Is retiring._] that terrapin!
RIP.
Terrapin! Ah, dame, I leaves you to go the whole hog, but hark’ee, my
lovey, before you go, won’t you return de leetle bottle which you manage
to get from me [last night]?(57)
DAME.
Odds bodikins, and pins! A man already drunk, and asking for more
liquor! You sha’n’t have a drop, you sot, that you shall not. The bottle
indeed! not you, eh! faith!
[_Exit with_ ALICE.
RIP.
[Tunder](58) take me if I don’t [think](59) but what she has
[finished](60) it herself, and dat’s de fact. My nose always sniffs like
a terrier’s; ’tis in de cupboard, her Hollands;—so, here goes to nibble.
_Music_.—RIP _opens the closet door cautiously, and is rummaging for a
bottle, when he treads on_ KNICKERBOCKER, _who roars out lustily_. RIP,
_in his sudden alarm, upsets the [porcelain and glass];_(_61_)_ and,
falling, rolls into the middle of the chamber, quaking in every limb, and
vociferating loudly._
RIP.
Help! murder! fire! thieves!
KNICKERBOCKER, [_in the interim_](62), _darts out of the closet, and,
[beyond the consciousness of future proceeding]_(_63_)_, throws himself
into the arm-chair_.—ALICE, _entering hastily, throws a cloak over him,
which hides him from observation_.—DAME _enters, alarmed._
DAME.
Odds bodikins and pins! what’s the matter, now?
RIP.
[_Raising his head cautiously._] Matter, indeed! [the devil’s](64) in
the cupboard! Oh, la! I’ll be swammed.
DAME.
In the cupboard!—[_Going there, sees china broken; squalling._]—All my
fine porcelain destroyed! monster! vile, rapacious monster! A devil,
indeed, has been in the cupboard, and that’s you. The china, presented
to me by my grand relations, which I set such store on, smashed into a
thousand pieces; ’tis too much for my weak nerves. I shall swoon! I
shall faint! [_She sinks in the arm-chair, but immediately starts up,
and, squalling, falls into _RIP’S _arms._—KNICKERBOCKER _regains the
closet, unobserved by all, save_ ALICE.
DAME.
Heaven have mercy on us! there was somebody in the chair! somebody in
the chair!
RIP.
Phoo! there’s nothing in de chair, save your old cloak, [_Tossing it
aside._] dat’s all.
DAME.
I’m so alarmed—so agitated, that—Alice, put your hand into my pocket and
you’ll find a bottle. [ALICE_ produces a bottle._
RIP.
[_Aside._] A leetle bottle! Oh, dat’s de [private](65) cupboard. Alice,
let me hold de leetle bottle, whilst you fetch a glass for the old
woman. [ALICE, _hastening off, brings a wine-glass, which_ RIP _fills
and gives to_ DAME.
RIP.
Here’s your [go-to-hell],(66) and your family’s and may you live long
and [prosper](67). [_Drinks from the bottle_; ALICE, _in the interim,
proceeds to the closet and brings_ KNICKERBOCKER _out, who is making for
the door, when, hearing some one approach, he again escapes to his
retreat._
ALICE.
[_At door._] Oh, aunt! aunt! here’s the burgomaster coming up the
garden.
DAME.
Odds bodikins and pins! the burgomaster! what’s to be done now? Coming
for the rent! What’s to be done now, I say?
RIP.
I’ll go to bed and [think](68).
[_Crosses._
DAME.
You sha’n’t go to bed! you must make some fresh excuse;—you’re famous at
them to me;—you have got into the nobble and must get out of it as well
as you can; I shall go and consult my friend, Dame Wrigrim; and Alice,
should the pedlar woman come, desire her not to leave any more of her
rubbish here.
_As_ DAME _retires, she meets_ DERRIC(69) _to whom she curtseys._
DERRIC.
Good evening, Dame.
DAME.
Your honour’s servant. [_Exit_ DAME.
RIP.
[_Aside._] La! what a stew I’m in. Alice take yourself off, ’tis full
time. Wish I was off too, mit all my heart and soul.
ALICE.
[_Aside._] Dear, dear! what will become of my poor Knickerbocker.
[_Exit._
DERRIC.
Well, honest Rip, how wags the world with you?
RIP.
Bad enough, sir, for though [labouring](70) from morn to night, I can
make no advance in de world, though my industry is proverbial, and dat’s
a fact.
DERRIC.
Why, where the bottle is concerned, few, I believe, can boast so much
industry.
RIP.
Dat is a fact; but I suppose you have called concerning de rent.
[_Aside._] How my heart [goes and comes!](71) [_Aloud._] Now if your
honour will be so [good](72) enough to—
DERRIC.
To write the receipt: certainly.
RIP.
Nine, nine! [_Aside._] I’m stewed alive mit [perspiration.](73)
DERRIC.
We’ll talk of the rent at a future period! There is another affair on
which I wish to consult you.
RIP.
Take a chair, your honour.—[_Aside, rubbing his hands together._]—It’s
all right, by de hookey.—[_Aloud._]—Take a glass mit me.
[_They take chairs._
DERRIC.
You know my only son, [whose life you preserved?](74)
RIP.
Yes; and a [wild](75) harum-scarum [dog](76) he is. [_Drinks._
DERRIC.
He [is now stationed in New York, studying the law, and](77) has become
a staid, sober, prudent youth; and [now](78), ’tis my wish that he
should settle in this, his native place, and [that he](79) marry some
honest girl, who is altogether unacquainted with the frivolities of
cities; and I have been thinking that in a few years your daughter will
be grown up, and would make a suitable match for him. True, there will
be some disparity in their ages, but as the years are on the side of the
husband, so ’twill be all the better for the wife, in having a matured
preceptor.
RIP.
Beg [pardon],(80) sir; but it strikes me you are only carrying on your
rigs mit me.
DERRIC.
No, on my honour; and, to convince you that I’m in earnest, I have
brought with me a contract, by which our offspring, when of age, are
bound to intermarry, or forfeit their several fortunes. I shall settle
all mine on Herman, and I shall expect you to do the same for your
daughter.
RIP.
Yah! yah! [ech woll](81); I’ll give her all [I got](82); all my money;
but she must be [d——d](83) smart if she can find [’em.](84) Take a
drink, [Mr.](85) Burgomaster. [_Drinks._
DERRIC.
Well, here are the two contracts, both binding and legally drawn.
RIP.
Yah! yah! [_Drinks._—DERRIC _gives him the pen._] What you want me to do
mit dis?
DERRIC.
Merely sign your name.
RIP.
Me, [put](86) my name to dat [paper], mitout my old woman knowing?—mine
goot [friend],(87) she would skin me. [_Noise in closet._] [Schat! you
witch!](88)
DERRIC.
But I was about to propose, on condition of your signing the contract,
to let you live rent free, in future.
RIP.
Rent free! I’ll sign! but [stop]!(89) my old woman [must] play [old
hob](90) mit me—so put down dat I can break dat contract, if I choose,
in twenty years and a day.—[_Noise._]—[Schat! you witch!](91)
DERRIC.
[_Writing._] As you please.(92) [_Noise._
RIP.
Schat! you witch!(93) [_Drinks._
DERRIC.
Is that a cat, friend Rip? [_Writing._
RIP.
I don’t know if it is a cat—but, if it is my dog [Snider],(94) I
wouldn’t be in his skin when de old woman comes back.
DERRIC.
There, friend Rip, I have inserted, at your request, this codicil:
“Should the said Rip Van Winkle think fit to annul this contract, within
twenty years and a day, he shall be at full liberty to do so.”
RIP.
Yah, yah! [dos] is recht—dat is goot. Now [Mr.](95) Burgomaster, what
you want me to do?
DERRIC.
Sign it!
RIP.
Wass?
DERRIC.
Sign!
RIP.
Give me de [paper](96).—[_Takes it._]—How my head turns
round.—[_Reading._]—“Should the said Rip Van Winkle”—yah, yah! dat is
me.—"Rip Van Winkle—twenty years and a day."—Oh, dat is all
recht.—[_Writing._]—R-i-p V-a-n—[_Noise._]—Schat! you witch!
W-i-n-k-l-e—now, dere he is.
DERRIC.
And there is the counterpart. [_Gives it._
RIP.
Dis is for me, eh? I’ll put him in my breast [pocket](97)—yah, yah.
DERRIC.
Now, Rip, I must bid you good evening.
RIP.
Stop! Take some more liquor. Why, de bottle is empty. Here! Alice!
Alice! get some more schnapps for de burgomaster.
DERRIC.
No, not to-night. [_Rising._] But, should you want any you will always
find a bottle for you at your old friend Rory’s; so, good-night.
RIP.
Stop, [Mr.](98) Burgomaster! I will go and get dat bottle
now.—[_Rising._]—Alice, Alice! [comma see hah!](99)
_Enter_ ALICE.
RIP.
Alice, give me mine hat. [_Alice gives it._] Now, take care of de house
till I comes back: if de old woman comes before I gets home, tell her I
am gone out mit de burgomaster on [par—par—tick—partickler](100)
business.(101) [_Exit, with_ DERRIC.
ALICE _advances, and brings on_ KNICKERBOCKER _from the closet._
ALICE.
So, Mr. Knickerbocker, you are still here.
KNICKERBOCKER.
Yes, all that’s left of me! and, now that the coast is clear, I’ll give
them leg bail, as the lawyers have it; and if ever they catch me here
again—[_He goes towards the door, and returns in sudden alarm._] Oh
dear! oh dear! here’s mother Van Winkle coming back. I shall never get
out of this mess.
ALICE.
It’s all your own fault! Why would you come to-night!
KNICKERBOCKER.
I shall never be able to come again—the cross vixen will take care of
that if she catches me here.
ALICE.
[There is but one method of avoiding her wrath:](102) slip on the
clothes the old pedlar woman brought for sale, and I’ll warrant you’ll
soon be tumbled out of the house.
KNICKERBOCKER.
With a good thrashing to boot, I suppose. [No matter, if I can but slip
out of the house, I don’t care what I slip into.](103) [KNICKERBOCKER
_sits in arm-chair, and is attired by_ ALICE _in a woman’s dress: on
rising, the petticoats but reach his knees._] Confound the lower
garments! they’re too short [by half.](104)
ALICE.
’Tis your legs are too long [by half!](105); stoop down; [say as little
as possible, and you’ll not be discovered.](106) [_He again sits._
DAME _enters._
DAME.
[Well, I’ve got back and I see Mr. Van Slaus is gone! but](107) where’s
that varlet, Rip; out again? Oh, that Rip! that Rip! I’ll certainly be
the death of him; or he will of me, which is most likely. Alice, who
have you in the chair?
ALICE.
The pedlar woman, aunt, who has come for the things she left.
DAME.
The pedlar woman—hark’ee gossip: bring no more of your rubbish here.
Take yourself off, and let me have a clear house.
KNICKERBOCKER.
[_Aside._] ’Gad, I wish I was safely cleared out of it. [KNICKERBOCKER
_rises, hobbles forward; but, forgetting the shortness of the
petticoats, in curtseying, is discovered by the_ DAME, _from the
exposure of his legs._
DAME.
Odds bodikins and pins! who have we here! an imposter! but you shall pay
for it; this is a pedlar woman, indeed, with such lanky shanks. [_She
rushes up to door and, locks it—then, with a broom pursues him round; he
flings bonnet in her face._
KNICKERBOCKER.
Needs must, when the devil drives—so here goes.
_He jumps through the window [which is dashed to pieces]_(_108_)_—and
disappears._—DAME _rushes up, with broom, towards window._—ALICE _laughs._
DAME.
What! laugh at his misconduct, hussey. One’s just as bad as the other.
All born to plague me. Get you to bed—to bed, I say. [DAME _drives_
ALICE _off, and follows._
*Footnotes*
47 “_speaking off, to the child,_” in K.
48 Not in K.
49 Not in K.
50 Not in K. Instead, “he is so handsome, his figure is so elegant.”
51 Not in K.
52 Not in K.
53 “mein” in K.
54 “Ve’ll” in K.
55 “bate” in K.
56 “broken” in K. Also add “by your knocks.”
57 Not in K.
58 “Tonner” in K.
59 “tink” in K.
60 “finish” in K.
61 “crockery” in K.
62 Not in K.
63 Not in K.
64 “der tyfil’s” in K.
65 “brivate” in K.
66 “goot-hell” in K.
67 “brosber” in K.
68 “tink” in K.
69 “entering” inserted, in K.
70 “I vork” in K.
71 “bit-and-bat” in K.
72 “goot” in K.
73 “bersbiration” in K.
74 Not in K.
75 “vild” and “tog” in K.
76 Not in K.
77 Not in K.
78 Not in K.
79 Not in K.
80 “bardon” in K.
81 Not in K.
82 Not in K.
83 “uncommon” in K.
84 “him” in K.
85 “Mynheer” in K.
86 “boot” and “baber” in K.
87 “freund” in K.
88 In K. “S—ss cat! be quiet wid you!”.
89 “Stob” and “vould” in K.
90 “der tyfil” in K.
91 In K. “S—s cat! you be quiet, or I will skin you as my vife skins
me.”
92 K. adds, “I will take care to get him so completely in my power that
he shall not dare, however he might desire it, to avail himself of
the power which that addition to the contract will give him.”
93 In K., the line reads. “S—s cat! I vill cut off your tail.”
94 “Schneider” in K.
95 “dat ist” in K; also “Mynheer.”
96 “baber” in K.
97 “bocket” in K.
98 “Mynheer” in K.
99 Not in K.
100 “bar-bar-tick-bartickler” in K.
101 K. has also:
ALICE. She wont believe it.
RIP. Tell her—I’ll be stewed fun it’s a fact.
102 Not in K.
103 In K, only “But, never mind.”
104 Not in K.
105 Not in K.
106 Not in K.
107 Not in K.
108 Not in K.