MR. BALFOUR, a Scotch advocate of dry humour, but much pomposity, being
in a large company, where the convivial Earl of Kelly presided, was
requested to give a song, which he declined. Lord Kelly, with all the
despotism of a chairman, insisted that if he would not sing, he must
tell a story or drink a pint bumper of wine. Mr. Balfour, being an
abstemious man, would not submit to the latter alternative, but
consented to tell a story. "One day," said he, "a thief, prowling about,
passed a church, the door of which was invitingly open. Thinking that he
might even there find some prey, he entered, and was decamping with the
pulpit-cloth, when he found his exit interrupted, the doors having been
in the interim fastened. What was he to do to escape with his plunder?
He mounted the steeple, and let himself down by the bell-rope; but
scarcely had he reached the bottom when the consequent noise of the bell
brought together people, who seized him. As he was led off to prison he
addressed the bell, _as I now address your lordship_; said he, '_Had it
not been for your long tongue and your empty head I had made my
escape_.'"