SIR--In the course of my study in the English language, which I made now
for three years, I always read your periodically, and now think myself
capable to write at your Magazin. I love always the modesty, or you
shall have a letter of me very long time pass. But, never mind. I would
well tell you, that I am come to this country to instruct me in the
manners, the customs, the habits, the policies, and the other affairs
general of Great Britain. And truly I think me good fortunate, being
received in many families, so as I can to speak your language now with
so much facility as the French.
I am but a particular gentleman, come here for that what I said; but,
since I learn to comprehend the language, I discover that I am become an
object of pleasantry, and for himself to mock, to one of your comedians
even before I put my foot upon the ground at Douvres. He was Mr. Mathew,
who tell of some contretems of me and your word detestable _Box_. Well,
never mind. I know at present how it happen, because I see him since in
some parties and dinners; and he confess he love much to go travel and
mix himself altogether up with the stage coach and vapouring boat for
fun, what he bring at his theatre.
Well, never mind. He see me, perhaps, to ask a question in the
paque-bot--but he not confess after, that he goed and bribe the garcon
at the hotel and the coachman to mystify me with all the boxes; but,
very well, I shall tell you how it arrived, so as you shall see that it
was impossible that a stranger could miss to be perplexed, and to
advertise the travellers what will come after, that they shall converse
with the gentleman and not with the badinstructs.
But, it must that I begin. I am a gentleman, and my goods are in the
public rentes, and a chateau with a handsome propriety on the banks of
the Loire, which I lend to a merchant English, who pay me very well in
London for my expenses. Very well. I like the peace nevertheless that I
was force, at other time, to go to war with Napoleon. But it is passed.
So I come to Paris in my proper post-chaise, where I selled him, and
hire one, for almost nothing at all, for bring me to Calais all alone,
because I will not bring my valet to speak French here where all the
world is ignorant.
The morning following, I get upon the vapouring boat to walk so far as
Douvres. It was fine day, and after I am recover myself of a malady of
the sea, I walk myself about the ship, and I see a great mechanic of
wood with iron wheel, and thing to push up inside, and handle to turn.
It seemed to be ingenious, and proper to hoist great burdens. They use
it for shoving the timber, what come down of the vessel, into the place;
and they tell me it was call "Jacques in the _box_:" and I was very much
pleased with the invention so novel.
Very well. I go again promenade upon the board of the vessel, and I look
at the compass, and little boy sailor come and sit him down, and begin
to chatter like the little monkey. Then the man that turns a wheel about
and about laugh, and say, "Very well, Jacques," but I not understand one
word the little fellow say. So I make inquire, and they tell me he was
"_box_ the compass." I was surprise, but I tell myself, "Well, never
mind;" and so we arrive at Douvres. I find myself enough well in the
hotel, but as there has been no _table d'hote_, I ask for some dinner,
and it was long time I wait: and so I walk myself to the customary
house, and give the key to my portmanteau to the douaniers, or
excisemen, as you call, for them to see as I had no smuggles in my
equipage. Very well. I return at my hotel, and meet one of the waiters,
who tell me (after I stand little moment to the door to see the world
what pass by upon a coach at the instant), "Sir," he say, "your dinner
is ready." "Very well," I make response, "where was it?" "This way,
Sir," he answer, "I have put it in a _box_ in the _cafe_ room." "Well,
never mind," I say to myself, "when a man himself finds in a stranger
country, he must be never surprised. '_Nil admirari._' Keep the eyes
open and stare at nothing at all."
I found my dinner only there there, because I was so soon come from
France; but, I learn, another sort of the box was a partition and table
particular in a saloon, and I keep there when I eated some good sole
fritted, and some not cooked mutton cutlet; and a gentleman what was put
in another _box_, perhaps Mr. Mathew, because nobody not can know him
twice, like a cameleon he is, call for the "pepper-_box_." Very well. I
take a cup of coffee, and then all my hards and portmanteau come with a
wheel-barrow; and, because it was my resolution to voyage up at London
with the coach, and I find my many little things was not convenient, I
ask the waiter where I may buy a night sack, or get them tie up all
together in a burden. He was well attentive at my cares, and responded,
that he shall find me a _box_ to put them all into. Well, I say nothing
to all but "Yes," for fear to discover my ignorance; so he brings the
little _box_ for the clothes and things into the great _box_ what I was
put into; and he did my affairs in it very well. Then I ask him for some
spectacle in the town, and he sent boot boy with me so far as the
theatre, and I go in to pay. It was shabby poor little place, but the
man what set to have the money, when I say, "How much," asked me if I
would not go into the _boxes_. "Very well," I say, "never mind--oh
yes--to be sure;" and I find very soon the _box_ was the loge, same
thing. I had not understanding sufficient in your tongue then to
comprehend all what I hear--only one poor maiger doctor, what had been
to give his physic too long time at a cavalier old man, was condemned to
swallow up a whole _box_ of his proper pills. "Very well," I say, "that
must be egregious. It is cannot be possible," but they bring a little
_box_ not more grand nor my thumb. It seemed to be to me very
ridiculous; so I returned to my hotel at despair how I could possibility
learn a language what meant so many differents in one word.
I found the same waiter, who, so soon as I come in, tell me--"Sir, did
you not say that you would go by the coach to-morrow morning?" I
replied--"Yes; and I have bespeaked a seat out of the side, because I
shall wish to amuse myself with the country, and you have no cabriolets
in your coaches." "Sir," he say, very polite, "if you shall allow me, I
would recommend you the _box_, and then the coachman shall tell
everything." "Very well," I reply, "yes--to be sure--I shall have a
_box_ then--yes;" and then I demanded a fire into my chamber, because I
think myself enrhumed upon the sea, and the maid of the chamber come to
send me in bed: but I say, "No so quick, if you please; I will write to
some friend how I find myself in England. Very well--here is the fire,
but perhaps it shall go out before I have finish." She was pretty
laughing young woman, and say, "Oh no, Sir, if you pull the bell, the
porter, who sits up all night, will come, unless you like to attend to
it yourself, and then you will find the coal-_box_ in the closet."
Well--I say nothing but "Yes--oh yes." But, when she is gone, I look
direct into the closet, and see a _box_ not no more like none of the
other _boxes_ what I see all day than nothing.
Well--I write at my friends, and then I tumble about when I wake, and
dream in the sleep what should possible be the description of the _box_,
what I must be put in to-morrow for my voyage.
In the morning, it was very fine time, I see the coach at the door, and
I walk all around before they bring the horses; but I see nothing what
they can call _boxes_, only the same kind as what my little business was
put into. So I ask for the post of letters at a little boots boy, who
showed me by the Quay, and tell me, pointing by his finger at a
window--"There see, there was the letter-_box_," and I perceive a
crevice. "Very well--all _box_ again to-day," I say, and give my letter
to the master of postes, and go away again at the coach, where I very
soon find out what was coach-_box_, and mount myself upon it. Then come
the coachman habilitated like the gentleman, and the first word he say
was--"Keep horses! Bring my _box_-coat!" and he push up a grand capote
with many scrapes.
"But--never mind," I say; "I shall see all the _boxes_ in time." So he
kick his leg upon the board, and cry "cheat!" and we are out into the
country in lesser than one minute, and roll at so grand pace, what I
have had fear we will be reversed. But after little times, I take
courage and we begin to entertain together: but I hear one of the wheels
cry squeak, so I tell him, "Sir, one of the wheel would be greased;"
then he make reply nonchalancely, "Oh it is nothing but one of the
_boxes_ what is too tight." But it is very long time after as I learn
that wheel a _box_ was pipe of iron what go turn round upon the axle.
Well--we fly away at the pace of charge. I see great castles, many; then
come a pretty house of country well ornamented, and I make inquire what
it should be. "Oh!" responded he, "I not remember the gentleman's name,
but it is what we call a snug country _box_."
Then I feel myself abymed at despair, and begin to suspect that he
amused himself. But, still I tell myself, "Well, never mind; we shall
see." And then after sometimes, there come another house, all alone in a
forest, not ornated at all. "What, how you call that?" I demand of
him--"Oh!" he responded again, "that is a shooting-_box_ of Lord
Killfot's." "Oh!" I cry at last out," that is little too strong;" but he
hoisted his shoulders and say nothing. Well, we come at a house of
country, ancient with the trees cut like some peacocks, and I
demand--"What you call these trees?" "_Box_, Sir," he tell me. "Devil is
in the _box_," I say at myself. "But, never mind; we shall see." So I
myself refreshed with a pinch of snuff and offer him, and he take very
polite, and remark upon an instant--"That is a very handsome _box_ of
yours, Sir."
"Morbleu!" I exclaimed with inadvertencyness, but I stop myself. Then he
pull out his snuff-_box_, and I take a pinch, because I like at home to
be sociable when I am out at voyages, and not show some pride with
inferior. It was of wood beautiful with turnings, and colour of
yellowish. So I was pleased to admire very much, and inquire the name of
the wood, and again he say--"_Box_, Sir."--Well, I hold myself with
patience, but it was difficilly; and we keep with great gallop, till we
come at a great crowd of the people. Then I say, "What for all so large
concourse?" "Oh!" he response again, "there is one grand _boxing_
match--a battle here to-day." "Peste!" I tell myself, "a battle of
_boxes_! Well, never mind! I hope it can be a combat at the outrance,
and they all shall destroy one another, for I am fatigued."
Well--we arrive at an hotel, very superb, all as it ought, and I demand
a morsel to refresh myself. I go into a saloon, but, before I finish,
great noise come into the passage, and I pull the bell's rope to demand
why so great tapage? The waiter tell me, and he laugh at same time, but
very civil no less--"Oh, Sir, it is only two of the women what quarrel,
and one has given another a _box_ on the ear."
Well--I go back on the coach-box, but I look, as I pass, at all the
women ear, for the _box_; but not none I see. "Well," I tell myself once
more, "never mind, we shall see;" and we drive on very passable and
agreeable times till we approached ourselves near London: but then come
one another coach of the opposition to pass by, and the coachman
say--"No, my boy, it shan't do!" and then he whip his horses, and made
some traverse upon the road, and tell to me, all the times, a long
explication what the other coachman have done otherwhiles, and finish
not till we stop, and the coach of opposition come behind him in one
narrow place. Well--then he twist himself round, and, with full voice,
cry himself out at the another man, who was so angry as himself--"I'll
tell you what, my hearty! If you comes some more of your gammon at me, I
shan't stand, and you shall yourself find in the wrong _box_." It was
not for many weeks after as I find out the wrong _box_ meaning.
Well--we get at London, at the coaches office, and I unlightened from my
seat, and go at the bureau for pay my passage, and gentleman very polite
demanded if I had some friend at London. I converse with him very little
time in voyaging, because he was in the interior; but I perceive he is
real gentleman. So, I say--"No, Sir, I am stranger." Then he very
honestly recommend me at an hotel, very proper, and tell me--"Sir,
because I have some affairs in the Banque, I must sleep in the City this
night; but to-morrow I shall come at the hotel, where you shall find
some good attentions if you make the use of my name." "Very well," I
tell myself, "this is best." So we exchange the cards, and I have
hackney coach to come at my hotel, where they say--"No room, Sir--very
sorry--no room." But I demand to stop the moment, and produce the card
what I could not read before, in the movements of the coach with the
darkness. The master of the hotel take it from my hand, and become very
polite of the instant, and whisper to the ear of some waiters, and these
come at me, and say--"Oh yes, Sir, I know Mr. _Box_ very well. Worthy
gentleman, Mr. Box. Very proud to incommode any friend of Mr. Box. Pray
inlight yourself, and walk in my house." So I go in, and find myself
very proper, and soon come so as if I was in my own particular chamber;
and Mr. Box come next day, and I find very soon that he was the _right_
Box, and not the _wrong_ box. Ha, ha! You shall excuse my badinage--eh?
But never mind--I am going at Leicestershire to see the foxes hunting,
and perhaps will get upon a coach-box in the spring, and go at
Edinburgh; but I have fear I cannot come at your "Noctes," because I
have not learn yet to eat so great supper. I always read what they speak
there twice over, except what Mons. Le "Shepherd" say, what I read
three time; but never could comprehend exactly what he say, though I
discern some time the grand idea, what walk in darkness almost
"visible," as your divine Milton say. I am particular fond of the
poetry. I read three books of the "Paradise Lost" to Mr. Box, but he not
hear me no more--he pronounce me perfect.
After one such compliment, it would be almost the same as ask you for
another, if I shall make apology in case I have not find the correct
idiotism of your language in this letter; so I shall not make none at
all--only throw myself at your mercy, like a great critic.