"Dear Reg," (so ran a letter from Horace which Reginald received a day
or two after Master Love's desertion), "I'm afraid you are having rather
a slow time up there, which is more than can be said for us here.
There's been no end of a row at the _Rocket_, which you may like to hear
about, especially as two of the chief persons concerned were your friend
Durfy and your affectionate brother.
"Granville, the sub-editor, came into the office where Booms and
Waterford and I were working on Friday morning, and said, in his usual
mild way,--
"`I should like to know who generally clears the post-box in the
morning?'
"`I do,' said Booms. You know the way he groans when he speaks.
"`The reason I want to know is, because I have an idea one or two
letters lately have either been looked at or tampered with before the
editor or I see them.'
"`I suppose I'm to be given in charge?' said Booms. `I didn't do it;
but when once a man's suspected, what's the use of saying anything?'
"Even Granville couldn't help grinning at this.
"`Nonsense, Booms. I'm glad to say I know you three fellows well enough
by this time to feel sure it wasn't one of you. I shouldn't have spoken
to you about it if I had.'
"Booms seemed quite disappointed he wasn't to be made a martyr of after
all.
"`You think I know all about it?' he said.
"`No, I don't; and if you'll just listen without running away with
ridiculous notions, Booms,' said Granville, warming up a bit, `I'll
explain myself. Two letters during the last fortnight have been
undoubtedly opened before I saw them. They both arrived between eight
o'clock in the evening and nine next morning, and they both came from
sporting correspondents of ours in the country, and contained
information of a private nature intended for our paper the next day. In
one case it was about a horse race, and in the other about an important
football match. The letters were not tampered with for the purpose of
giving information to any other papers, because we were still the only
paper who gave the news, so the probability is some one who wanted to
bet on the event has tried to get hold of the news beforehand.'
"`I never made a bet in my life,' said Booms.
"We couldn't help laughing at this, for the stories he tells us of his
terrific sporting exploits when he goes out of an evening in his high
collar would make you think he was the loudest betting man in London.
"Granville laughed too.
"`Better not begin,' he said, and then blushed very red, as it occurred
to him he had made an unintentional pun. But we looked quite grave, and
did not give any sign of having seen it, and that put him on his feet
again.
"`It's not a comfortable thing to happen,' said he, `and what I want to
propose is that one or two of you should stay late for a night or two
and see if you can find out how it occurs. There are one or two events
coming off during the next few days about which we expect special
communications, so that very likely whoever it is may try again. You
must be very careful, and I shall have to leave you to use your
discretion, for I'm so busy with the new Literary Supplement that I
cannot stay myself.'
"Well, when he'd gone we had a consultation, and of course it ended in
Waterford and me determining to sit up. Poor Booms's heart would break
if he couldn't go `on the mash' as usual; and though he tried to seem
very much hurt that he was not to stay, we could see he was greatly
relieved. Waterford and I were rather glad, as it happened, for we'd
some work on hand it just suited us to get a quiet evening for.
"So I wrote a note to Miss Crisp. Don't get excited, old man; she's a
very nice girl, but she's another's. [By the way, Jemima asks after you
every time I meet her, which is once a week now; she's invited herself
into our shorthand class.] And after helping to rig old Booms up to the
ninety-nines, which wasn't easy work, for his `dicky' kept twisting
round to the side of his neck, and we had to pin it in three places
before it would keep steady, I gave him the note and asked him would he
ever be so kind as to take it round for me, as it was to ask Miss Crisp
if she would go and keep my mother company during my absence.
"After that I thought we should never get rid of him. He insisted on
overhauling every article of his toilet. At least four more pins were
added to fix the restless dicky in its place on his manly breast. We
polished up his eye-glasses with wash-leather till the pewter nearly all
rubbed off; we helped him roll his flannel shirt-sleeves up to the
elbows for fear--horrible idea!--they should chance to peep out from
below his cuffs; we devoted an anxious two minutes to the poising of his
hat at the right angle, and then passed him affectionately from one to
the other to see he was all right. After which he went off, holding my
letter carefully in his scented handkerchief and saying--dear gay
deceiver!--that he envied us spending a cosy evening in that snug office
by the fire!
"The work Waterford and I have on hand is--tell it not in Gath, old man,
and don't scorn a fellow off the face of the earth--to try to write
something that will get into the Literary Supplement. This supplement
is a new idea of the editor's, and makes a sort of weekly magazine. He
writes a lot of it himself, and we chip a lot of stuff for him out of
other papers. The idea of having a shot at it occurred to us both
independently, in a funny and rather humiliating way. It seems
Waterford, without saying a word to me or anybody, had sat down and
composed some lines on the `Swallow'--appropriate topic for this season
of the year. I at the same time, without saying a word to Waterford or
anybody except mother, had sat down and, with awful groanings and
wrestlings of mind, evolved a lucubration in prose on `Ancient and
Modern Athletic Sports.' Of course I crammed a lot of it up out of
encyclopaedias and that sort of thing. It was the driest rot you ever
read, and I knew it was doomed before I sent it in. But as it was
written I thought I might try. So, as of course I couldn't send it in
under my own name, I asked Miss Crisp if I might send it under hers.
The obliging little lady laughed and said, `Yes,' but she didn't tell me
at the same time that Waterford had come to her with his `Swallow' and
asked the very same thing. A rare laugh she must have had at our
expense! Well, I sent mine in and Waterford sent in his.
"We were both very abstracted for the next few days, but little guessed
our perturbation arose from the same cause. Then came the fatal
Wednesday--the `d.w.t.' day as we call it--for Granville always saves up
his rejected addresses for us to `decline with thanks' for Wednesdays.
There was a good batch of them this day, so Waterford and I took half
each. I took a hurried skim through mine, but no `Ancient and Modern
Athletic Sports' were there. I concluded therefore Waterford had it.
Granville writes in the corner of each `d.w.t.,' or `d.w.t. note,' which
means `declined with thanks' pure and simple, or `declined with thanks'
and a short polite note to be written at the same time stating that the
sub-editor, while recognising some merit in the contribution, regretted
it was not suitable for the Supplement. I polished off my pure and
simple first, and then began to tackle the notes. About the fourth I
came to considerably astonished me. It was a couple of mild sonnets on
the `Swallow,' with the name M.E. Crisp attached!
"`Hullo,' I said to Waterford, tossing the paper over to him, `here's
Miss Crisp writing some verses. I should have thought she could write
better stuff than that, shouldn't you?'
"Waterford, very red in the face, snatched up the paper and glanced at
it.
"`Do you think they're so bad?' said he.
"`Frightful twaddle,' said I; `fancy any one saying--'"
"The drowsy year from winter's sleep ye wake,
Yet two of ye do not a summer make."
"`Well,' said he, grinning, `you'd better tell her straight off it's
bosh, and then she's not likely to make a fool of herself again. Hullo,
though, I say,' he exclaimed, picking up a paper in front of him, every
smudge and blot of which I knew only too well, `why, she's at it again.
What's this?
"`"Ancient and Mod--" Why, it's in your writing; did you copy it out for
her?'
"`I wrote that out, yes,' said I, feeling it my turn to colour up and
look sheepish.
"Waterford glanced rapidly through the first few lines, and then said,--
"`Well, all I can say is, it's a pity she didn't stick to poetry. I'm
sure the line about waking the drowsy year is a jolly sight better than
this awful rot.'
"`Though we are not told so in so many words, we may reasonably conclude
that athletic sports were not unpractised by Cain and Abel prior to the
death of the latter!
"`As if they could have done it after!'
"`I never said they could,' I said, feeling very much taken down.
"`Oh--it was you composed it as well as wrote it, was it?' said he
laughing. `Ho, ho! that's the best joke I ever heard. Poor little
Crisp, what a shame to get her to father--or mother a thing like this;
ha, ha! "prior to the death of the latter"--that's something like a play
of language! My eye, what a game she's been having with us!'
"`_Us_! then you're the idiot who wrote about the Swallows!' said I.
"`Suppose I am,' said he, blushing all over, `suppose I am.'
"`Well, all I can say is, I'm precious glad the little Crisp isn't
guilty of it. "Two of ye do not a summer make," indeed!'
"`Well, they don't,' said he.
"`I know they don't,' said I, half dead with laughing, `but you needn't
go and tell everybody.'
"`I'm sure it's just as interesting as "Cain and Abel"--'
"`There now, we don't want to hear any more about them,' said I, `but I
think we ought to send them both back to Miss Crisp, to give her her
laugh against us too.'
"We did so; and I needn't tell you she lets us have it whenever we get
within twenty yards of her.
"Here's a long digression, but it may amuse you; and you said you wanted
something to read.
"Well, Waterford and I recovered in a few days from our first reverse,
and decided to have another shot; and so we were rather glad of the
quiet evening at the office to make our new attempts. We half thought
of writing a piece between us, but decided we'd better go on our own
hooks after all, as our styles were not yet broken in to one another.
We agreed we had better this time both write on subjects we knew
something about; Waterford accordingly selected `A Day in a Sub-Sub-
Editor's Life' as a topic he really could claim to be familiar with;
while I pitched upon `Early Rising,' a branch of science in which I
flatter myself, old man, _you_ are not competent to tell me whether I
excel or not. Half the battle was done when we had fixed on our
subjects; so as soon as every one was gone we poked up the fire and made
ourselves snug, and settled down to work.
"We plodded on steadily till we heard the half-past nine letters dropped
into the box. Then it occurred to us we had better turn down the lights
and give our office as deserted a look as we could. It was rather slow
work sitting in the dark for a couple of hours, not speaking a word or
daring to move a toe. The fire got low, but we dared not make it up;
and of course we both had awful desires to sneeze and cough--you always
do at such times--and half killed ourselves in our efforts to smother
them. We could hear the cabs and omnibuses in Fleet Street keeping up a
regular roar; but no footsteps came near us, except once when a
telegraph boy (as we guessed by his shrill whistling and his smart step)
came and dropped a telegram into the box. I assure you the click the
flap of the letter-box made that moment, although I knew what it was and
why it was, made my heart beat like a steam-engine.
"It was beginning to get rather slow when twelve came and still nothing
to disturb us. We might have been forging ahead with our writing all
this time if we had only known.
"Presently Waterford whispered,--
"`They won't try to-night now.'
"Just as he spoke we heard a creak on the stairs outside. We had heard
lots of creaks already, but somehow this one startled us both. I
instinctively picked up the ruler from the table, and Waterford took my
arm and motioned me close to the wall beside him. Another creak came
presently and then another. Evidently some one was coming down the
stairs cautiously, and in the dark too, for we saw no glimmer of a light
through the partly-opened door. We were behind it, so that if it opened
we should be quite hidden unless the fellow groped round it.
"Down he came slowly, and there was no mistake now about its being a
human being and not a ghost, for we heard him clearing his throat very
quietly and snuffling as he reached the bottom step. I can tell you it
was rather exciting, even for a fellow of my dull nerves.
"Waterford nudged me to creep a little nearer the gas, ready to turn it
up at a moment's notice, while he kept at the door, to prevent our man
getting out after he was once in.
"Presently the door opened very quietly. He did not fling it wide open,
luckily, or he was bound to spot us behind it; but he opened it just
enough to squeeze in, and then, feeling his way round by the wall, made
straight for the letter-box. Although it was dark he seemed to know his
way pretty well, and in a few seconds we heard him stop and fumble with
a key in the lock. In a second or two he had opened it, and then,
crouching down, began cautiously to rub a match on the floor. The light
was too dim to see anything but the crouching figure of a man bending
over the box and examining the addresses of one or two of the letters in
it. His match went out before he had found what he wanted.
"It was hard work to keep from giving him a little unexpected light, for
my fingers itched to turn up the gas. However, it was evidently better
to wait a little longer and see what he really was up to before we were
down on him.
"He lit another match, and this time seemed to find what he wanted, for
we saw him put one letter in his pocket and drop all the others back
into the box, blowing out his match as he did so.
"Now was our time. I felt a nudge from Waterford and turned the gas
full on, while he quietly closed the door and turned the key.
"I felt quite sorry for the poor scared beggar as he knelt there and
turned his white face to the light, unable to move or speak or do
anything. You'll have guessed who it was.
"`So, Mr Durfy,' said Waterford, leaning up against the door and
folding his arms, `it's you, is it?'
"The culprit glared at him and then at me, and rose to his feet with a
forced laugh.
"`It looks like it,' he said.
"`So it does,' said Waterford, taking the key out of the door and
putting it in his pocket; `very like it. And it looks very much as if
he would have to make himself comfortable here till Mr Granville
comes!'
"`What do you mean?' exclaimed the fellow. `I've as much right to be
here as you have, for the matter of that, at this hour.'
"`Very _well_, then,' said Waterford, as cool as a cucumber, `we'll all
three stay here. Eh, Cruden?'
"`I'm game,' said I.
"He evidently didn't like the turn things were taking, and changed his
tack.
"`Come, don't play the fool!' he said coaxingly, `The fact is, I
expected a letter from a friend, and as it was very important I came to
get it. It's all right.'
"`You may think so,' said Waterford; `you may think it's all right to
come here on tiptoe at midnight with a false key, and steal, but other
people may differ from you, that's all! Besides, you're telling a lie;
the letter you've got in your pocket doesn't belong to you!'
"It was rather a rash challenge, but we could see by the way his face
fell it was a good shot.
"He uttered an oath, and advanced threateningly towards the door.
"`Sit down,' said Waterford, `unless you want to be tied up. There are
two of us here, and we're not going to stand any nonsense, I can tell
you!'
"`You've no right--'
"`Sit down, and shut up!' repeated Waterford.
"`I tell you if you--'
"`Cruden, you'll find some cord in one of those drawers. If you don't
shut up, and sit down, Durfy, we shall make you.'
"He caved in after that, and I was rather glad we hadn't to go to
extremes.
"`Hadn't we better get the letter?' whispered I.
"`No; he'd better fork it out to Granville,' said Waterford.
"He was wrong for once, as you shall hear.
"Durfy slunk off and sat down on a chair in the far corner of the room,
swearing to himself, but not venturing to raise his voice above a growl.
"It was now about half-past twelve, and we had the lively prospect of
waiting at least eight hours before Granville turned up.
"`Don't you bother to stay,' said Waterford. `I can look after him.'
"But I scouted the idea, and said nothing would induce me to go.
"`Very well, then,' said he; `we may as well get on with our writing.'
"So we pulled our chairs up to the table, with a full-view of Durfy in
the corner, and tried to continue our lucubrations.
"But when you are sitting up at dead of night, with a prisoner in the
corner of the room cursing and gnashing his teeth at you, it is not easy
to grow eloquent either on the subject of `A Day in a Sub-sub-Editor's
Life,' or `Early Rising.' And so we found. We gave it up presently,
and made up the fire and chatted together in a whisper.
"Once or twice Durfy broke the silence.
"`I'm hungry,' growled he, about two o'clock.
"`So are we,' said Waterford.
"`Well, go and get something. I'm not going to be starved, I tell you.
I'll make you smart for it, both of you.'
"`You've been told to shut up,' said Waterford, rising to his feet with
a glance towards the drawer where the cord was kept.
"Durfy was quiet after that for an hour or so. Then I suppose he must
have overheard me saying something to Waterford about you, for he broke
out with a vicious laugh,--
"`Reginald! Yes, he'll thank you for this. I'll make it so hot for
him--'
"`Look here,' said Waterford, `this is the last time you're going to be
cautioned, Durfy. If you open your mouth once more you'll be gagged;
mind that. I mean what I say.'
"This was quite enough for Durfy. He made no further attempt to speak,
but curled himself up on the floor and turned his face to the wall, and
disposed himself to all appearances to sleep. Whether he succeeded or
not I can't say. But towards morning he glowered round at us. Then he
took out some tobacco and commenced chewing it, and finally turned his
back on us again and continued dozing and chewing alternately till the
eight o'clock bell rang and aroused us.
"Half an hour later Granville arrived, and a glance at our group was
quite sufficient to acquaint him with the state of affairs.
"`So this is the man,' said he, pointing to Durfy.
"`Yes, sir. We caught him in the act of taking a letter out of the box
at midnight. In fact, he's got it in his pocket this moment.'
"Durfy gave a fiendish grin, and said,--
"`That's a lie. I've no letter in my pocket!'
"And he proceeded to turn his pockets one after the other inside out.
"`All I know is we both saw him take a letter out of the box and put it
in his pocket,' said Waterford.
"`Yes,' snarled Durfy, `and I told you it was a private letter of my
own.'
"`Whatever the letter is, you took it out of the box, and you had better
show it quietly,' said Granville; `it will save you trouble.'
"`I tell you I have no letter,' replied Durfy again.
"`Very well, then, Cruden, perhaps you will kindly fetch a policeman.'
"I started to go, but Durfy broke out, this time in tones of sincere
terror,--
"`Don't do that, don't ruin me! I did take it, but--'
"`Give it to me then.'
"`I can't. I've eaten it!'
"Wasn't this a thunderbolt! How were we to prove whose the letter was?
Wild thoughts of a stomach-pump, or soap and warm water, did flash
through my mind, but what was the use? The fellow had done us after
all, and we had to admit it.
"No one stopped him as he went to the door, half scowling, half
grinning.
"`Good morning, gentlemen!' said he. `I hope you'll get a better
night's rest to-morrow. I promise not to disturb you,' (here followed a
few oaths). `But I'll pay you out, some of you--Crudens, Reginalds,
sneaks, prigs--all of you!'
"With which neat peroration he took his leave, and the _Rocket_ has not
seen him since.
"Here's a long screed! I must pull up now.
"Mother's not very well, she's fretting, I'm afraid, and her eyes
trouble her. I can't say we shall be sorry when Christmas comes, for
try all we can, we're in debt at one or two of the shops. I know you'll
hate to hear it, but it's simply unavoidable on our present means. I
wish I could come down and see you; but for one thing, I can't afford
it, and for another, I can't leave mother. Mrs Shuckleford is really
very kind, though she's not a congenial spirit.
"Young Gedge and I see plenty of one another: he's joined our shorthand
class, and is going in for a little steady work all round. He owes you
a lot for befriending him at the time you did, and he's not forgotten
it. I promised to send you his love next time I wrote. Harker will be
in town next week, which will be jolly. I've never seen Bland since I
called to pay the 6 shillings 6 pence. I fancy he's got into rather a
fast lot, and is making a fool of himself, which is a pity.
"You tell us very little about your Corporation; I hope it is going on
all right. I wish to goodness you were back in town. I never was in
love with the concern, as you know, and at the risk of putting you in a
rage, I can't help saying it's a pity we couldn't all have stayed
together just now. Forgive this growl, old man.
"Your affectionate brother,--
"Horace.
"Wednesday, `d.w.t.' day. To our surprise and trepidation, neither the
`Day in a Sub-Sub-editor's Life' nor `Early Rising' were among the
papers given out to-day to be `declined with thanks.' Granville may
have put them into the fire as not even worth returning, or he may
actually--_O mirabile dictu_--be going to put us into print?"