LANCELOT LEAVES
There was a place upon the downs to which it was often my special
delight to betake me--a kind of hollow dip between two humps of hills,
where a lad might lie warm in the windiest weather and look straight out
upon the sea, shining with calm or shaggy with storm, and feel quite as
if he were alone in the world. To this place I now sped half
unconsciously, my face, I make no doubt, scarlet with passion and shame,
and my eyes well-nigh blinded with sudden up-springing of tears. How I
got to my hollow I do not know, but I ran and ran and ran, with my blood
tingling, heedless of all the world, until at last I found myself
tumbling down over its ridged wall or rampart of hummocks and dropping,
with a choking moan, flat on my face in an agony of despair.
There I lay in the long grasses, sobbing as if my heart would break.
Indeed, I thought that it was breaking; that life was over for me; that
sunrise and sunset and the glory of the stars had no further part to
play for me; and that all that was left for me was to die, and be put
into a corner somewhere and speedily forgotten.
Troops of bitter thoughts came surging up over my brain. My mood of mind
and state of body were alike incomprehensible and terrible to me. It was
a very real agony, that fierce awakening to the realities of life, to
love and passion, and blinding jealousy and despair, and all the rest of
the torments that walk in the train of a boy's first love. I wallowed
there a long time, making a great mark in the soft grasses, as if I
sought to measure myself for an untimely grave. The strong afternoon sun
drove on his way westward, and still I lay there, writhing and
whimpering, and wondering, perhaps, a little inwardly that the sky did
not fall in and crush me and the wicked world altogether.
A boy's mind is a turbulent place enough, and stuffed pretty often with
a legion of wicked thoughts, which take possession of his fancy long
before evil words and evil deeds have struck up their alliance. Yet even
the most foul-mouthed boy thinks, I believe, nobly, or with a kind of
nobility, of his first love, and a clean-hearted lad offers her a kind
of bewildering worship. I was a clean-hearted lad, and I had worshipped
Barbara; and now my worship was over and done with, and I made sure that
my heart was broken.
I do not know how long I lay there, with whirling brain and bursting
heart, but presently I felt the touch of a hand on my shoulder. I had
heard no one coming, and under ordinary conditions I might have been a
thought startled by the unexpected companionship; but just now I was too
wretched for any other emotion, and I merely lay passive and
indifferent.
The hand declined with a firmer pressure and gently shook my shoulder,
and then a voice--Lancelot Amber's voice--called softly to me asking me
what I was doing there and what ailed me. I always loved Lancelot's
voice: it seemed to vary as swiftly as wind over water with every
thought, and to run along all the chords of speech with the perfection
of music in a dream. Whenever I read that saying of St. Paul's about the
tongue of men and of angels I am reminded of Lancelot's voice, and I
feel convinced that of such is the language of the courts of heaven, and
that if St. Paul had talked like Lancelot he would have won the most
sceptical. The sound of his voice soothed me then, as far as it was
possible for anything to soothe me, and I shifted slightly to one side
and looked up at him furtively and crossly, my poor face all blubbered
with tears and smeared with mire where I had lain grovelling.
Bit by bit I told him my story. I was in the temper for a confession,
and ready to tell my tale to anyone with wit enough to coax it from me.
Perhaps it did not seem so much of a tale in the telling, though to my
mind it was then as terrible as the end of the world itself and the
unloosening of the great deep.
So I hunched myself up on my left elbow, and, staring drearily at
Lancelot through my tears, I whimpered out my sorrows; and he listened
with a smileless face.
When I had done, and my quavering broke off with a sob, he was silent
for a while, looking straight before him beyond the meadow edges into
the yellowing sky. Then he turned and looked at me with a brotherly pity
that was soothing to my troubled senses, and he spoke to me with a
softness of voice that seemed in tune with the dying day and my drooping
spirits.
'After all,' he said, 'you have not lost much, Raphael. She is but a
light o' love, and you were built for a better mate.'
Truly, though I scarcely noted it at the time, it was gracious and
quick-witted of him to assume that I was of a lover's age with the great
lass of the Skull and Spectacles, and unconsciously it tickled my torn
vanity. But part of his speech angered me, and I took fire like tinder.
Swinging myself round on my elbow, I glanced savagely into Lancelot's
face of compassion.
'You lie!' I growled, 'you lie! She is a queen among women, and there is
no man in all the world worthy of her!'
Then--for I saw him smile a little--I struck out at him. I am thankful
to think that I was too wild and weary to strike either true or hard,
and my foolish hand just grazed his cheek and touched his shoulder as he
stooped; and then, turning away again, I fell into a fresh storm of
sobbing. Lancelot remained by my side, gently indifferent to my fury,
gently tender with my sorrow. After a while he turned me round
reluctant, and looked very gravely into my tear-stained face. We were
but a brace of lads, each on the edge of life, and as I look back on
that page of my history I cannot help but shudder at the contrast
between us, I bellowing like a gaby at the ache of my first
calf-love--and yet indeed I was hurt, and hardly--and he so sweet and
restrained and sane, weighing the world so wisely in his young hands.
'I am very sorry for you, Raphael,' he said, and his voice was so clear
and strong that for the moment it comforted me as a cordial will comfort
a sick man, against my will. 'I am very sorry for you, and because of my
sorrow for you and because of my love for you I will give you a gift
that I would part with to no other in the world. Women are not all
alike, and therefore I will give you a talisman to help you to think
well of women.'
I suppose it would have diverted an elder to hear him, so slim and
simple, discoursing so sweetly and reasonably on a theme on which few of
us at the fag end of our days are ever able to utter one sensible
syllable, but Lancelot always seemed to me wise beyond his time, so I
listened, although dully enough and I fear sullenly. He slipped his hand
into his breast and drew forth a small object which he held shut in his
hand while he again discoursed to me.
'What I am going to give you, Raphael, is the little picture of a lass
who is in my eyes a thing of Heaven's best making. For loyalty, honour,
courage, truth, faith, she is an unmatchable maid. I have known her all
the days of my life and never found a flaw in her.'
Then he opened his hand and I saw that it held a picture, an oval
miniature in a fine gold frame. My mind was all on fire for the black
eyes of piratical Barbara and my blood was tingling to a gipsy tune, but
as I stared at the image in my comrade's palm my mind was arrested and
my fancy for the instant fixed. For it showed the face of a girl, a
child of Lancelot's age or a little under, and through my tears I could
perceive the sweetness of the countenance and its likeness to my friend
in the fair hair and the fine eyes.
'This is my sister, this is Marjorie,' Lancelot said slowly. 'She has
the truest soul, the noblest heart in all the world. I think it will
help you to have it and to look on it from time to time, as it always
helps me when I am away from her.'
As he spoke he pushed the picture gently into my unresisting fingers and
closed them over it. 'My sister Marjorie is a wonderful girl,' he said,
with a bright smile. He was silent for a little while as if musing upon
her and then his tender thoughts returned to me.
'Come away, Raphael,' he said. 'Let us be going home. The hour is late,
and your mother may be anxious; and you have her still, whatever else
you may have lost.'
The grace of his voice conquered me. I rose at the word, staggering a
little as I gained my feet, for passion and grief had torn me like
devils, and I was faint and bewildered. He slipped his arm into mine and
led me away, supporting me as carefully as if I were a woman whom his
solicitude was aiding. We exchanged no word together as we went along
the downs and through the fields. As we came to the town, however, he
paused by the last stile and spoke to me.
'Dear heart!' he said, 'but I am sorry for all this--more sorry than I
can say; for I am going away to-morrow.'
The words shook me from myself and my apathy. I gazed in wonder and
alarm into his face.
'I am going away,' he said, 'and that's how I chanced to find you. For I
waited in vain for you at Mr. Davies's, and sought you at your home and
found you missing; and then I thought of this old burrow of yours, and
here, as good luck would have it, I found you.'
I could only gasp out 'Going away?' in a great amazement.
'I must go away,' he said. 'My uncle that was at sea is in London, with
Marjorie, and has sent for me. He needs me, and I am so much beholden to
him that I should have to go, even if I were not bound to him by blood
and duty, and indeed I long to see my Marjorie.'
'How long will you be away?' I gasped.
'I do not know,' he answered; 'but it is only a little world after all,
and we shall meet again some time, and soon, be sure of that. If not,
why, then this parting was well made.'
This last was a quotation from one of his poets and play-makers, as I
found afterwards, for the words stuck in my memory, and I happened on
them later in a printed book. But indeed I did not think the parting was
well made at all, and I shook my head dismally, for I knew he only said
so to cheer me.
He laughed and tossed his brown locks. 'London is not the end of the
world,' he said. 'I hope to go further afield than that before I die.
But near or far, summer or winter, town or country, we are friends for
ever. No distance can divide, no time untie our friendship.'
Here he wrung me by the hand, and I, with this new sorrow on top of the
old--that was new but two hours ago--could only sob and say: 'O
Lancelot!' and tremble. I suppose I looked giddy, as if I were about to
faint, for he caught me in his strong arms and propped me up a minute.
'Come, come!' he said; 'take heart. To-day is not to-morrow yet. I will
go in with you to your mother's and spend an hour with you before I say
good-bye.'
Then he gently led me by the arm, and we went into the town and along
the evening streets till we came to the little shop, and there at the
door we found my mother, looking anxious.
Lancelot made my excuses, saying that he had kept me, and telling my
mother of his speedy departure. My mother, who loved Lancelot, was
almost as grieved as I. But he, in his bright way, cheered us; he came
in, and would take supper with us; and though it was a doleful meal, he
went on as if it were a merry one, talking and laughing, and telling us
tales of the great city and its wonders, and all he hoped to see and do
there.
And so a sad hour went by, and then he rose and said he must go and give
a hand to the packing of his belongings, for he was leaving by the early
coach and would not have a moment in the morning. And then he kissed my
mother and kissed me, and went away and left us both crying. There were
tears in his own eyes as he stepped out into the summer twilight, but
he turned to look back at us, and waved his hat and called out good-bye
with a firm voice.
A sullen blackness settled down upon me after Lancelot's departure. I
was minded to rise early in the morning to see him off by the coach, but
I was so tired with crying and complaining that when I fell asleep I
slept like a log, and did not wake until the morning sun was high and
the coach had been long gone. Well, it was all the better, I told myself
savagely. He had gone out of my life for good, and I should see no more
of him. I had lost in the same hour my love and my friend. I would make
up my mind to be lonely and pay no heed. As for the picture he gave me,
what good to me was the face of that fair girl? Lancelot's sister
Marjorie was a gentlewoman, born and bred, as my lost Lancelot was a
gentleman. What could she or he really have to do with the mercerman in
the dull little Sussex town? Marjorie had a beautiful face, if the
limner did not lie--and indeed he did not--and I could well believe that
as lovely a soul as Lancelot lauded shone through those candid eyes. But
again, what was it to me and my yardwand? So I hid the picture away in a
little sweet-scented cedar-wood box that I had, and resolved to forget
Lancelot and Lancelot's sister, and everything else in the world except
my blighted youth and my blighted hopes.
I reasoned as a boy reasons who thinks that the world has come to an end
for him after his first check, and who has no knowledge as yet of the
medicine of time. My mother had but a vexatious life of it with me, for
I was silent and melancholy; and though I never, indeed, offended her by
uncivil word or deed, yet the sight of my dreary visage must have been a
sore trial to her, and the glum despondency with which I accepted all
her efforts to cheer me from my humours must have wrung her heart.
Poor dear! She thought, I believe, that it was only grief for Lancelot
which touched me so; and once, after some days of my ill-temper, she
asked me if I would like to run up to London and see my friend. But I
shook my head. I had made up my mind to have done with everything; to
stay on there to the end, morosely resigned to my lot.
To make myself more sure in isolation I even took the letter which came
from Lancelot but a few days after his departure, in which he told me
where his uncle's house was, and bade me write to him there, and burnt
it in the flame of a candle. As I tossed the charred paper out into the
street I thought to myself that now indeed I was alone and free to be
miserable in my own way. And I was miserable, and made my poor mother
miserable; and acted like the selfish dog I was, like the selfish dog
that every lad is under the venom of a first love-pang.
I went no more to the Skull and Spectacles; I saw my beautiful tyrant no
more. One day I drifted along in the familiar direction, came to the
point where I could see the evil-favoured inn standing alone in the
dreary waste, hesitated for a moment, and then, as the image of the girl
in the sailor's arms surged up before my mind, I turned and ran back as
hard as I could into the town.
But if I went that way no more, I drifted about in other ways helplessly
and foolishly enough.
I would spend hours upon hours mooning among the downs and on the
cliffs, and sometimes I would sit on some bulkhead by the quays and look
at the big ships, and wish myself on board one of them and sailing into
the sunset. Love for my mother kept me from going to the devil, but my
love for her was not strong enough to put a brave face upon my trouble,
and I was not man enough to do my best to make her life light for her.
But no trouble of this kind does endure for ever, and by the end of a
year the poison had in a great degree spent itself, and with my recovery
from my love-ache there grew up in my mind a disdain of my behaviour. As
I saw my mother's visage peaked with pity I grew to be heartily ashamed
of myself, and to resolve honestly and earnestly to make amends. I
disliked tending shop more bitterly than ever. But there was the shop,
and it was dear to my mother's heart; and so I buckled to, if not with a
will, at least with the semblance of a will, and did my best to become
as good a mercer as another.
Two things, however, I would not do. I would not enter into
correspondence with Lancelot, and I would not go any more to Master
Davies's house. Lancelot wrote again and yet again to me. But I served
the second letter as I had served the first, and the third as I had
served the second. I did, indeed, scrawl some few lines of reply to this
last letter, bidding him somewhat bluntly to leave me in peace; that my
bed had been made for me, and that I must needs lie upon it, and that I
did not wish to be vexed in my slumber. It was a rude and foolish
letter, I make no doubt; but I wrote it with a decent purpose enough,
for I was desperately afraid that I could not hold to my resolutions and
to my way of life if I kept in communication with Lancelot, and was
haunted by the thoughts of his more fortunate stars. Lancelot wrote back
to me with his invariable sweetness and gentleness, saying that he hoped
time would make me amends; and after that I heard no more from him, and
he seemed to have passed out of my life for good and all.
As for Mr. Davies, he too seemed to belong to the old life from which I
had cut myself adrift, and so I went to his shop no more; and as he was
a home-keeping bookworm, he but seldom stirred abroad. And thus, though
we dwelt in the same town, I may fairly say that I never saw him from
month's end to month's end.
The days slip by swiftly in an unnoticeable kind of way in a town like
Sendennis. It was but a sluggish place, for all its sea-bustle, in the
days that now lie far behind me. Our shop lay in the quietest part of
the town, and we took no note of time. Ours was a grey, lonely life. We
had friends, of course, whose names and ways I have long since
forgotten, but we saw little of them, partly because my mother learnt
after a while that I hated all company, and would take no part in any of
the junketings of our neighbours.
I might have made an apt mercer in time, but I do not know, and I do not
love to linger over the two years I spent in the trial. For though I
did my duty fairly well, both by my mother and by the shop, and though
my love-ache had dulled almost to nothing, my passion to go abroad was
as hot as ever, and I thought it a shame that my twenty years had no
better business, and my life no other aim, than to wear out its strength
behind a counter. Let those two years go by.
One evening I was sitting with my mother in the little parlour behind
the shop, she knitting, I think, or sewing--I am not sure which--and I
with my legs thrust out before me and my hands in my pockets, outwardly
idling and inwardly cursing at my destiny. Every now and then my mother
glanced at me over the edge of her work and sighed; but it may have
been, and I hope it was, because she found her task a difficult one.
Suddenly the bell at the front door tinkled. In my younger days I used
to fancy that every ring of that same cracked bell brought some message
from the outer world for me. Well, here was the message at last, though
I never dreamt of it, but just sat stupidly, with my fingers touching my
pocket seams.