THE session and a vacation in the mountains passed, I commenced my
studies as a Sophomore, and under this new dignity fresh trials of my
moral courage every day arose. I was constantly being solicited to
join some scheme of devilment, and though my conscience always bade
me refuse, the voice of the multitude often prevailed, and I was thus
drawn into many an affair of which I was afterward heartily ashamed.
Our class seemed determined to surpass all of its predecessors in
annoyances to the Faculty, the derangement and often destruction of
college property and the “devilling” of Fresh. One of the Faculty,
whose views of discipline were rigid, and who could not brook the
slightest disturbance in his room, was our special mark. Going into
recitation we would load our pockets with gravel and acorns, and by
dextrously throwing them over our neighbor’s shoulder we would keep a
perfect hail of them upon the floor, rendering recitation impossible.
Sometimes a rat would be carried in and turned loose in the room, and
every one would mount his seat in an apparent extremity of terror.
Bugs, reptiles and even poisonous snakes were put on the floor, to run
under the students’ legs and cause a sufficient disturbance to suspend
the lecture.
An attempt to “blow up” the professor was even made by placing a small
quantity of powder under his rostrum; which, indeed, came near being a
much more serious matter than was intended.
One morning, as Ned and I came out from breakfast, we were requested to
go up to one of our classmate’s rooms, where we found nearly the whole
class assembled. The object of the meeting was, so we were informed,
to consider the proposition to “dress” for L——, the professor. To
“dress” for a professor was to attend lecture in the most ridiculous
and grotesque costume attainable, and had ever been regarded by the
Faculty as the highest contempt for their authority, and an offence
meriting extreme punishment.
The proposition was warmly seconded and approved, there being only one
dissenting voice, that of Ned.
When the roll was called for the votes, he rose and said that, while
he regretted to oppose himself to the class, yet the course proposed
tended to defeat the object of their attendance upon the Institution,
and was, therefore, wrong; that it was undignified and discourteous,
and that he could not join them.
Amid cries of “Bootlick! order! Cheyleigh, you’re right! silence!” Ned
took his hat and walked quietly from the room.
When my name was called, poor, weak I, could only respond, “I am in for
anything the class agrees on,” while my heart was throbbing to follow
Ned’s example.
When we assembled, at eleven o’clock, could Falstaff have seen us he
would have thought his troop perfect dandies. Great, tall fellows,
six feet high, appeared in coats whose sleeves scarce reached their
elbow, and pants that were far above their knees. Little fellows
had on clothes that smothered them, and which were stuffed out with
pillows till Daniel Lambert would have been a skeleton beside them.
Others wore pasteboard collars, whose points extended far above their
heads, while a whole window curtain of flaming chintz served them for
a cravat. Some had their clothing on wrong side out, and one man had
reversed his entire suit, putting everything on hind part before. A
few had gone to the trouble of getting up costumes from the stores,
and appeared as demons and devils with most hideous faces, and horns,
hoofs and tails. The most amusing character of all was a rare genius
from the mountains, whom everybody knew as Joe. A man of brilliant
ability and rare attainments, he was a great favorite with the Faculty,
and yet, from his innate love of fun, he was ever getting into some
difficulty. He was attired, on this occasion, in an immense swallow
tailed coat of brown homespun, and tremendous copperas striped pants.
He had gotten a pair of shoe-store signs down town and wore them for
boots, the legs coming up nearly to his waist and the feet about a
yard long. He wore a tremendous pair of green goggles, and carried
around his neck a rusty old log chain, from which was suspended a large
circular clock to serve as his watch. A turn down collar of white cloth
extending to his shoulders like a cape, and a whole sheet crammed in
his pocket as a handkerchief, completed his outfit. He was unanimously
chosen our leader and we marched to the section room. The professor
looked serious and was ominously silent till we were all seated. He
called the roll with unusual gravity, and then, that the desired defeat
of the recitation might not be accomplished, commenced to examine the
class; but the attempt was futile. One would reply that he would answer
the question as soon as he could get his voice up out of his collar;
another, that his pants were almost long enough and were stretching,
and that as soon as they got past his knees he would take pleasure in
telling all he knew. Joe, upon being called on, took out his clock
with a great rattle of his chain, then drawing out his immense sheet,
proceeded to wipe his goggles with it, and then blow his nose as if
it was a trumpet. The ridiculousness of this proceeding called forth
such a laugh from the class that the professor dismissed us in disgust,
first summoning all of us to appear before the Faculty when the bell
rang.
Immediately on our dismissal we held an informal meeting in the
campus and agreed to appear before the Faculty in our costumes. There
was a wide stare of indignation and surprise on their faces as we
filed into the room and took our seats. The professor preferred his
charges, and the president, having called on each member of the board
for an expression of opinion, asked us if we had anything to say in
justification of our offence. No one spoke for several moments, and
they were about to proceed with the case when Joe slowly rose to his
feet and said in solemn tones:
“Mr. President and gentlemen of the Faculty—I have somewhat to say
in behalf of these my friends. Will you be kind enough to state what
length of time you will allow me for their defence?”
He paused and waited a reply, looking as solemn through his great
frog-eyed spectacles as if he was in the High Court of Chancery.
“Speak on, Mr.——,” the chairman replied, “we cannot entertain your
nonsensical proposals for time, but we are willing to allow you to
make any statement you wish, and to give any excuses you can for your
conduct.”
“My friends,” said Joe, turning to us, “do you hear that? Bear me
witness, and see that they accord the full measure of their promise.”
So saying, he drew from under his coat the old clock, and taking
the chain from his neck, he let it clatter with great noise on the
floor, and laid the clock before him on a bench, after the manner of
public speakers. He then carefully noted the time, cleared his throat,
adjusted his specs and began:
“Oh, most worthy Paishdadians, the early dispensers of justice, in
whom are centred the majesty of the Pharaohs, the wisdom of the Magi,
and the dignity of the Conscript Fathers, both Roman and Sabine! I
would not detain you with useless words, but simply tell why we have
appeared to-day in costumes which you, in the plenitude of your wisdom,
have deemed offensive:
“We are unfortunate young men, severed from the endearments of home
and cut off from the paternal exchequer; no sewing sisters’ love, no
darning mothers’ care! Can you wonder that our wardrobes have suffered
such considerable depletion that we must make some changes or renew? As
to renew was impossible, with remittances rarer than angels’ visits, we
wisely chose to change.
“The apparent absurdity of these changes is at once explained by
their utility as well as their necessity. Permit me to enumerate a
few, and point out their peculiar advantages. I have been, as you all
know, of very studious habits; consequently the abrasion of my _sedes
pantaloonorum_ has been constant. As concealment was no longer possible
I exchanged with a smaller friend, whose shortness of leg will enable
him to draw the trite orifices up beyond the reach of vision, while the
brevity of his unmentionables enables me to preserve my respectability
by the display of a new pair of socks, which I borrowed.
“My fat friend here found that his garments were wearing out more on
the inside than the out, and, consequently, exchanges with this starved
anatomy, that the outside may catch up. He then squeezes into the
lean man’s suit, to reduce his pinguisity. My reversed friend here,”
pointing to the man who had his clothes with the front turned behind,
“has been suffering with a chronic crick till his head has twisted
entirely around. With an energy worthy of Ithacus he has resolved to
retrograde through life, rather than submit to the tyranny of his neck
and change his clothes; hence his remarkable attitude and crawfish
gait.
“The other gentlemen present have reasons equally good for the fashions
they have adopted, and which this out-of-the-way place may deem a
little _outré_.
“This much, gentlemen, to show that my comrades, as well as myself, had
cause for our conduct. But I see by the cold regard of your stern faces
that you do not believe me. If it were not for the consumption of your
valuable time I could introduce witnesses to prove what I have stated,
but ‘tis useless.”
“Stop, sir!” exclaimed the president, “we have endured this farce long
enough. Gentlemen,” addressing the Faculty, “what are your opinions of
the offence and its punishment?”
“Sir!” said Joe, with a green, piercing glance, “you have promised that
you would allow me to make my defence, and I claim the privilege.”
“Well, go on, sir, we cannot wait much longer.”
“I shall take my leisure,” said Joe, stooping down to look at the face
of his clock. “Well, I pass on to my secondly, then. My firstly was
a statement of facts; my secondly shall be argument, and my thirdly,
appeal. I do then emphatically deny to you the right of jurisdiction
in our case. You cannot take cognizance, even, of our proceedings
unless you make the University of North Carolina a tailor’s shop and
prescribe the fashions for its students. What right have the Faculty of
a purely literary Institution to say what shall be the cut of my coat,
merely because I am a matriculate? By what authority do you object to
my clothing, so long as it is decent? and I am sure none of my friends
here can be accused of indecency of apparel.
“If, however, you insist upon your right, by what standard do you
condemn our appearance? Do you know what the latest fashions are? Have
any of you seen a Paris paper this year, and are you certain that your
information on these points is later than mine. If so, I cheerfully
waive the right to determine for myself, and submit to your direction.
But why multiply remarks; if you can find us guilty of any infringement
of the laws of the University, behold we are in your hands, to be dealt
with after our sins, but we do protest against being condemned by some
perverted construction of a remote rule.
“And now we know, although you have no right, yet you will try us and
condemn us. We throw ourselves upon your mercy. Oh! be tender with us.
We are young and unsophisticated; we are away from father and mother,
and some of us, alas! are orphans; will you deal harshly with us simply
for changing our fashion? Oh! ye who have sons, plead with those who
have not, and obtain for us clemency. Do not, with puritanic bigotry,
strain at a gnat of a garment and swallow a camel of cruelty. Oh have
mercy! Have mercy! We have suffered the pangs of remorse, our bowels
have yearned over our transgression and groaned for dinner, and we are
ready now to get down upon our all fours and gallop out the door if you
will only speak the word. Speak it—bohoo-oo! Spe-oo-ea-oo-kit!”
He pulled his great sheet handkerchief out, and spreading it on the
bench before him, buried his face in it and sobbed aloud.
The Faculty did not smile, and we were too badly scared to laugh; and
so Joe raised his head soon and wiped his eyes, took up his clock
and chain and put it on again, then leaned back as solemn and sad as
Heraclitus.
The President then rose, and without the slightest appreciation of
Joe’s effort, said:
“Your conduct, gentlemen, has been considered by the Faculty in an
impartial and unprejudiced manner, and their unanimous vote is that you
be dismissed for an indefinite period.
“The farcical character of your defence, delivered through your
representative, and its absurd and contemptible conclusion, place it
too far beneath our notice for any reply; but I wish to say a word or
two to those who have engaged in this affair thoughtlessly. There is
a very mistaken idea among students generally that it is manly and
courageous to resist constituted authority, and that such a course
will gain for them a reputation for independence and spirit. They
forget that in this resistance, and in the obstruction of recitation,
they injure only themselves, and defeat the very end for which they
have come to college. Resistance to tyranny is sometimes worthy of
admiration, but here there can be no tyranny, for the same rights and
protection are guaranteed the students as the tutor, and an appeal to
the right source would prove a far more speedy and effective remedy
than the course pursued.
“Many of you joined in this shameful affair for the want of moral
courage, and scarcely one of you really desired to enter into it.
To those who originated the plot I would say, remember that those
you persuade to join you suffer equally with yourselves, and your
magnanimity will surely deter you from getting others into trouble; and
I would beg those who were led into this, in future to consider the
certain result of their conduct; disgrace and mortification, without a
single point being gained. And I ask you all, does the paltry pleasure
of raising a laugh, repay even the trouble of dressing, much less the
shame each one feels or ought to feel? I hope that you will look at
this question of deportment in its true light and act thereon. You have
heard the sentence, gentlemen, and can retire.”
We sauntered from the room, and, once outside, commenced a Babel of
confused talk, which was broken up by our departing to our rooms to put
on some decent apparel. I sat down and commenced to indite a letter to
father, but found it impossible to write in the excited state of my
mind. As we had to leave the Hill in a few hours after our dismissal, I
began to pack my trunk. Soon after dinner, however, I learned that the
members of the class who had not joined us, had gotten up a petition
for our reinstatement. The Faculty required a pledge of future good
behavior from each of us concerned before they would entertain the
petition at all; and I found to my surprise that those who had been
most anxious to get up the “dress,” and who had been most violent in
their outcry against those who refused to join them, were now the most
solicitous of all that the petition should be signed, and were among
the first to put their names to the pledge. There was one exception,
Joe refused to sign anything or in any way recognize the right of the
Faculty to condemn us. He declared he would stand by the principles set
forth in his speech, and nothing could move him from it. In spite of
his frolics he was a great favorite with the Faculty, and several of
them went to him privately and endeavored to persuade him to sign the
pledge. He thanked them, but firmly declined, and next morning took his
departure. We all gave him three cheers as he drove off to Durham’s,
which he returned by waving his handkerchief till he was out of sight.
True old Joe! The last tidings I had of him were that, as Colonel in
the Confederate army, he had refused parole at Appomattox and gone to
the Dry Tortugas.